Dorothy Colleen

I need a huge favour!

Folks, I need your help. After writing almost 20,000 words on my Quest story, I realize I made a major mistake at the beginning - I made three characters with very similar names. I want to change two of them, but I just KNOW if I try and do it I'll get confused and miss the name in one place or replace the wrong one in another. Help!

My Quest story has passed into "Novella" territory

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Well, my "Quest" story has officially moved into "Novella" territory. I dont think I can make a novel, but its going to be longer than any piece I've done other than "Trial of the Phoenix". I've got a ways to go, so we'll just have to see what the final tally is ...

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1st blizzard of the season has hit

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Well, its blowing snow outside my door, as the first blizzard of the season has hit. I'm supposed to go back to work today, but between how sick I was yesterday and the driving conditions, I'm not sure that's a good idea ....

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feeling sick

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Well, today I'm feeling super sick. I have a headache, feel like I'm running a fever, and I have thrown up once already this morning. Not only that, my daughter is home sick with her mom, having missed the last couple of days of school, so whatever it is must be going around. I hoped I could do some writing today, but ah, well.

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waiting for help

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Well, the one possibly good thing that came out my dinner with my brother was that he is sending my email contact info and my story "I am Nine years Old" to his friend who works with abused kids. Its possible he will be able to help me, but its really hard to wait for him to get a hold of me.

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A stressfull day

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Well, yesterday was rather stress-filled. First, I had to stay awake longer than normal so I could get new glasses with a "associate appreciation" coupon my work gave me. An extra 10 % on one purchase so with the staff discount added, I got 20 % off. Glasses still cost nearly $ 400, anyway. And of course, because my coupon is in my boy name and I was in femme mode, I had to explain my situation to the sales lady, not fun.

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spent the day cuddling

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Well, my daughter came over this afternoon, and I spent several hours just watching TV and movies and cuddling with her and my mom and my dog. I needed that, and once again I am reminded just how blessed I am to have my daughter, and how much my transition would hurt her. Ah, well.

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An Old Trope Revisited

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An Old Trope Revisited

I was in the change room, getting angrier by the moment. My own mother was pushing girl clothes on me! She’d dragged me into this shop, made me strip, and now had thrown skirts and dresses and girl’s underthings over the top of the door, and was demanding I put them on!

I really couldn’t believe my own mother would be doing something like this. Why would she want to turn me into a girl? Didn’t she love me just as I was? And what could I possibly do but go along with her plan?

Finally, an idea came to me, how I could end this torture.



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This story is 115 words long.

a day that started well, but has gone not so good

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Well, today started promising. I was able to get a whole chapter done on my "Quest" story. But I made the mistake of having MSNBC on in the background, and so when they started talking about the Pen State case I lost my ability to write, or do much more than feel ill. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon.

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struggling with doubts about my gender

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Well, the last couple of days I've been fighting with doubts about my trans status. I'm not sure where this is coming from, unless its anxiety over the possible fight with my ex, and I'm looking for the easy way out - If I'm not trans, no fight, right? I wish I could know for sure if my rape caused this struggle, or not. I could live with either answer as long as I could have some facts on my side. Ah, well.

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watched a pretty dumb movie last night

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Well, last night was a good example on why you shouldnt get a movie based on the blurb. I saw this movie at my work called "Amanda" which said it was about a "player" guy who meets the perfect girl - but dumps her when she tells him she was born a man. I'm not sure what I was hoping for, but it was a pretty pedestrian romantic comedy. He's pretty bad about the trans thing, calling her new vagina "a wound", making me wounder what she would see in him, but he learns he cant live without her, makes a big romantic gesture, and wins her back by declaring that "love has no gender".

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I was red in the face last night and this morning

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Well, at our lunch break last night, a co-worker said I looked red in the face, and then when I got home this morning, my mom said the same thing. It could be a sign of high blood pressure, which would be very bad. If I have to stop the hormones due to high BP I don't know what I'll do ....

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right place, right time

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You ever get the impression that you are in a place for a higher purpose? Well, in my case, it was more than an impression, it was like getting a smack on the head. See, while I was in Slave Lake, one of the girls I was working with told me her son just came out to her as trans, and she had been doing research into it, when along comes me, doing my RLT. I talked with her awhile, and then gave her my e-mail addy so she can get a hold of me if she needs to. The rest of my time there was okay, but that little moment was just ... special.

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The Dead Kid Returns - Chapter 2: The New Kid

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The Dead Kid Returns

Part 2: The New Kid

The new kid came into the class, and almost nobody noticed. When the new kid had first shown up, there had been the usual introductions, but almost immediately after, the new kid seemed to fade into the background, forgotten.

Except one girl, who watched the new kid move, and wondered.

Her name was Bethany Ann Cooper, and she was regarded as a bit odd, because she once said that she remembered a time when a dead kid had come to the school, and even claimed to have given this dead kid a kiss.



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This story is 101 words long.

day 1 in Slave Lake

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Well, I had my first shift here in Slave Lake, and it went okay. the hotel is nice, but I dont expect to have a lot of time to look around the town between work and sleep. Interesingly, one of the staff here has a son who just recently came out to them as trans, and has been doing some research on it, so she wanted to ask me how I'm finding it. My responce is "so far, so good." The hotel has a internet kiosk that charges by the hour, so I can check in on you wonderful people, so behave!

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I'm on my way to Slave Lake

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Well, I'm just about to leave for Slave Lake Alberta. They changed my destination, and now I'm going to be there an extra day, so more than likely this will be my last chance to talk to you guys until Friday. Wish me luck, I'm a little nervous.

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Going to be away Tuesday and Wednesday

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Well, I'm going to be away Tuesday and Wednesday, as my work has asked me to go to a store in the far north of Alberta for two shifts. I'll stay in the town overnight between them at hotel on Walmart's dime, and my meals and gas will be paid for as well. I could use the extra work, but I'll be without a computer for the two days, so more than likely you guys wont hear from me until I get back. Super hugs to all.

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a sign of growth?

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Well, last night I had an incident that shows how much I've changed in the last while. See, I was on my way to work, and I stopped in at sub place to grab lunch, and the kid behind the counter said "What can I get you sir?" Now, I was in my wig, my wal-mart clothes, and was carrying a purse, so "sir" just wasn't the pronoun I would have preferred him to use. But while not that long ago an incident like that would have sent me spiraling downwards, I immediately thought "poor kid, needs better glasses, cant tell sirs from ma'ams." I think its a good sign, dont you guys?

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"We girls"

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Last night, I was putting cardboard into the baler (a device that squishes it down and makes it ready for recycling) with another lady, and we were trying to figure out if the baler was full. She asked one of the guys to help us make a bale if it was needed, and put it this way - "We girls need a strong guy like you to help us."

It came across so naturally, like she never even considered me as anything but a girl, and it kinda made me tear up with happiness.

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The Dead Kid Returns - Chapter 1, Beth's Story

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Author's note: Consider this a teaser. No idea when more might come.

The Dead Kid Returns

Part One: Beth’s story

The dead kid didn’t show up for class again today, and nobody knew what that meant.

When the dead kid first missed a day, the debate went up and down the schoolyard as to what might have happened to it. But as days went by, and still no sign of it, people started to forget that the dead kid had ever been there.

Except one girl..



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This story is 88 words long.

the results of my experiment

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well, my little experiment with tampons is over. While the feeling was slightly uncomfortable, it wasnt horrible. Assuming it felt at all like what a g-girl feels like once a month, I have more appreciation for what they go through ...

mostly, for me this was mostly about being able to be stimulated there without feeling "dirty." In doing this, I took a little more ownership of my body today, and that's a good thing

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trying an experiment

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I have had a curiosity about tampons for many years, and today, as an experiment, decided to try one in my "back door". We'll see how it goes, and I'll give you guys a full report when my little experiment is over.

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"Girl lessons"

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Well, I was thinking about "girl lessons", and I want to go into some detail on the subject. See, because of what happened to me, I not only fought against my need to be feminine like my life depended on it, whenever I did give in and let Dorothy out, I struggled with feeling like I could never really be a girl anyway - never look like one, never really act like one. Compliments like the one I got yesterday are helping me move past those anxieties, but very, very slowly, and it still comes up on occasion. So keep cheering Team Dorothy, its really making a difference....

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Interesting comment at work

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Well, I had an interesting comment at work from Aurelia. She said "I can't even picture you as a tomboy". Gee, wasn't it just the other day I commented on Steph's "Too little, too late" that I needed girl lessons? Maybe I dont after all....

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Pink Angel

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My store is selling something called a "Pink Angel" - basically its a lawn ornament that lights up, looks like an angel with a trumpet, and is pink for breast cancer awareness. My story sense tells me there must be a story in there for here somewhere, but I really dont have the time for it. Anyone want to take a shot?

Arguing with my muse

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Well, the last couple of days, I've been arguing with my muse, and its been going like this:

Me: Time to get working on "Quest"

Her: I'm bored of that story. I wanna do something else.

Me: Like what?

Her: Like a sequel to "The Dead Kid,"

Me: Hmmm. Okay, lets see what that looks like ...

(Later)

Me: I dont know, it might be too close to the first one.

Her: Not a problem. We could do another autobiographical story.

Me: I do like talking about myself...

(Later)

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"The L - Word"

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I just finished watching the last 2 seasons of "The L - Word", and found it interesting. The most fascinating character was Max, a Female - to - male transsexual, who in the last season gets pregnant, and has a lot of problems dealing with that fact. Its well worth checking out, if you get a chance.

Self Portrait

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Self Portrait



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This story is 2 words long.

I went for a pedicure today

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Well, I did a bottle run today, and took the money and got a pedicure for the first time. Even though I was in pants and without a wig, the staff treated me well, even when I asked for pink nail polish on my toes. Its funny how much a little thing like that can make me feel so much better.

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Got some gifts, and its not even Christmas!

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Well, I wanted to mention the generous people who seem to come my way. At the TS group meeting, I got a new wig, a new purse, and a book on clothes and makeup tips for trans people. Then my neighbor gave me two seasons of "The L - Word" to watch. That, plus how amazing my co-workers have been about this whole thing really is a fantastic gift in its own right, and that's not even counting all the support I get here as well. I am so blessed, and so grateful.

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Dodged the bullet

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Well, either my ex didn't notice my wig, or she chose to not mention it when I picked her up last night. Part of me is breathing a sigh of relief, the other part of me realizes all this means that the confrontation is still to come ...

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Has the brown stuff hit the fan?

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Well, I may have set myself up for disaster a lot sooner than I planned. I was driving home this morning, and I had some bottles belonging to my ex in my car, so I figured I would drop them off on my way. So I hit the corner near her house, and she's there, watching my daughter walk to school, so I told her about dropping off the bottles. Why does this mean bad things? Because I was still wearing my wig from work when she saw me. Right now, my only hope is that it didn't register with her, or WW III will start ahead of schedule ...

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an apology in advance

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just a quick little apology. I may not comment much on stories for a bit. I'm trying to focus on my "Quest" story, so I may not be as active as I have been. Doesn't mean I'm not enjoying stories, but my brain is elsewhere.

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about "There was a point"

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Well, I'd like to take a second and talk about my latest piece, "There was a point". I had a horrible nightmare in which I replayed a portion of my abuse, except in the nightmare I played both parts - the abuser and the abused. After I woke shaking and crying, I was left with the story, which took about 5 minutes to write. Just goes to show something beautiful can come out of pain, yes?

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There was a point ...

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There was a Point …

Once upon a time, a little girl fell under the spell of an evil man. We don’t need to record the details, but suffice it to say he broke her, until she no longer acted, or even thought and felt for herself, but just did what she was told.

Then one day, by luck, the evil man went away, and she was free, but there was a problem. She hadn’t acted or thought or felt for herself in so long, she no longer knew how.



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This story is 91 words long.

looking back, looking forward

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Well, yesterday while I had the day off, I went back over my blog here, and its hard to believe how much has changed for me from the beginning. Then, I was still struggling with accepting myself as a woman inside, still hoping somehow I could be the male person everyone wanted me to be. And even as I started to accept myself internally, I struggled with feeling like there was nothing I could do - no way I could pass dressed as a woman, much less begin a transition, and yet here I am, on my way, able to go out unafraid, accepted at work, and even started hormones.

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After the Halloween Party

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After the Halloween Party

Ugh … I got to watch how much I drink, my head hurts.

But what a party?

My buddy Paul always did know how to host em …

And then there was that chick.



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This story is 36 words long.

a funny moment at work

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I had a bit of a funny moment at work yesterday. I was walking down the main aisle, and I could hear someone bringing a pallet behind me. I glanced behind, and saw one of my co-workers, and for some reason I thought, "Is he looking at my butt?" I had to restrain myself from adding a little extra wiggle to my walk, and I don't know why I felt like that.

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