Well, I think the hormones are starting to have an effect on me, but not in a good way. Several times last night I was in tears, frustrated with my lack of strength. Overall, the day sucked, and I left feeling like pretty much a complete failure. Ah, well.

I'm having trouble figuring out my ex. Yesterday, after the Christmas do at my brother's, I took my daughter home, and since I didn't have to work, I came into my ex's house for a bit. While I'm there, my ex starts playing with my hair, complimenting me on its softness and length, and making suggestions to help cover up my bald spot. Then today, when I was dropping off my daughter, she noticed I now have pink gloves, and gave me the third degree for their color. Like I said, she confuses me.

Well, Christmas at my brothers went pretty well. My daughter had a lot of fun decorating their tree, and then we made marshmallow snowmen while sipping hot chocolate. So what if I didnt get to wear a pretty Christmas dress?

Well, I'm going to be stuck in boy mode tonight, as my daughter and I will be going over to my brother's place and helping them trim the tree. It was really nice of them to think of inviting my daughter, so I'll keep the girl stuff to a minimum.

Well, last night was kind of a mixed day. First, just before we started, I said to one of the other girls, "Shoot. I forgot to bring my boobs" By which I mean the little inserts that I use to give me some shape. She started laughing, and said, "Sorry, Dorothy. I just thought there are days when I wish I could forget mine at home."

Well, I just got home from seeing the gender specialist. He's going to send a letter to my work asking them to respect me enough to include my female name on my name tag. Otherwise, things are going well. I told him about my flashbacks, and he gave me a prescription for Ativan to help me calm myself if I'm having one. I dont know about meds, but it might be better than trying to handle it on my own.

Well, I survived my brother's birthday party. I love my brother, but I have been finding it increasingly hard to be around him with his and my sister-in-laws rejection of my transition. The use of my male name, the total silence if I bring up anything to do with my transition, it just wears on me. I was going to get him a gender-neutral card, but decided he could just deal with the fact I'm his sister for once, and got a nice card from a sister to her brother for him instead. He did thank me for it, but I got the distinct impression he was ignoring that part of the card. Ah, well.

Well, I've got my new glasses, and I feel pretty good about it. They are ladies, but not so fem I can't wear em around the ex, and I think they look cute. Much happiness.

I am a girl by sufferance. I was not born a girl, didnt have a girlhood to learn the nuances of being a girl. I do not believe I really "pass" as a girl by any objective standard. So I am a girl by sufferance. My girlhood can be taken from me by words - "Him", "Sir" or my male name. It can be taken from me by actions - isolation, rejection, contempt. No "natural" girl will ever know what that feels like, to be "tolerated" like I'm some crazy person that no one has the energy to argue with.

Well, my ex will get sworn in as a Canadian citizen today, and we are going to attend. I have to be in "male drag" - my mother's expression, giggle.

Well, I just got confirmation - a little story I wrote will be displayed at the local TG Day of Remembrance event. It will be posted here on Sunday, so all of you can read it too.

Well, my "Quest" story has officially moved into "Novella" territory. I dont think I can make a novel, but its going to be longer than any piece I've done other than "Trial of the Phoenix". I've got a ways to go, so we'll just have to see what the final tally is ...

Well, the one possibly good thing that came out my dinner with my brother was that he is sending my email contact info and my story "I am Nine years Old" to his friend who works with abused kids. Its possible he will be able to help me, but its really hard to wait for him to get a hold of me.

Well, yesterday was rather stress-filled. First, I had to stay awake longer than normal so I could get new glasses with a "associate appreciation" coupon my work gave me. An extra 10 % on one purchase so with the staff discount added, I got 20 % off. Glasses still cost nearly $ 400, anyway. And of course, because my coupon is in my boy name and I was in femme mode, I had to explain my situation to the sales lady, not fun.

Well, my daughter came over this afternoon, and I spent several hours just watching TV and movies and cuddling with her and my mom and my dog. I needed that, and once again I am reminded just how blessed I am to have my daughter, and how much my transition would hurt her. Ah, well.

Well, today started promising. I was able to get a whole chapter done on my "Quest" story. But I made the mistake of having MSNBC on in the background, and so when they started talking about the Pen State case I lost my ability to write, or do much more than feel ill. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon.

Well, at our lunch break last night, a co-worker said I looked red in the face, and then when I got home this morning, my mom said the same thing. It could be a sign of high blood pressure, which would be very bad. If I have to stop the hormones due to high BP I don't know what I'll do ....

Well, part 2 of "The Dead Kid Returns" got half as many comments as part 1. I wonder why?