I wanted to talk for a moment about my last story, "Justice?" When I started with the idea, I planned to make it two stories - "The Defense" and "The Prosecution" Basically, first we would see her grief at the rape and death of her sister, and her need for some kind of justice. Then we would see the other side - the insanity of trying to take the law into her own hands, and the horror of the method she used to try and punish them. But the story took on a life of its own, and I was left with her awaking to her own guilt, and making the choice to seek the punishment of the law for her actions.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm a little wigged out by how super hormonal I am - crying one second, laughing the next, total emotional roller-coaster thing. If I'm like this now, what the heck am I going to be like if they let me take estrogen?

I just found out that Chaz Bono is going to be on "Dancing with the Stars." Obviously, he is the first trans person to be a contestant, and I'll be pulling for him to win.

I had a nightmare yesterday. I dreamt I heard a woman's voice telling me to be careful, that "They" were coming close and that I was unarmed. The fear in the voice was enough to wake me, and I found it hard to go back to sleep again. Here's hoping today I sleep better, I don't need to be driving to work drowsy.

Well, I weighed myself yesterday, and I'm doing petty good. I'm down to 270 lbs. which is as light as I have been in a long time. Yay!

Well, today is not going well. I had the idea of creating a little Spells R Us story, something light and fluffy and full of wish-fulfillment. So I started with the simple idea of me (with a different name, but me, nevertheless) running into the Wizard. Unfortunately, its not going according to plan. I may end up with the most depressing SRU story in history ....

Ah, well.

This morning, I was using my electric shaver to remove the hair from my arms, legs, and chest when my dog decided she needed to investigate the noise. You'd think a dog would be scared of a shaver, but she seemed to think I needed comforting during the procedure, as she nuzzled me as I worked to remove my hair. I love my little dog.

I wanted to take a moment to talk about my last couple of pieces. First, to put "Night Entries" to bed, I wanted to mention that its sort of Maeryn's fault. I was reading her story "Trick of the Mind.", and I kept seeing the little blerb at the start saying it was for the challenge "Written from the heart." I started thinking - what if I wrote something from the heart? What would it look like? And then the idea of an autobiography just seemed to fall into place. Then I made the choice to write it like I had a diary in those days, and the story flowed from there.

Well, I was a little bit down when I woke this morning. I struggled with the questions; "What am I doing this for? If I can't be female between my legs, what's the point?" I felt like "I'm going to die a freak, no matter what" I'm doing a bit better now, thanks to my friend Kylie, but those feelings are still there to some extent. Pray for me.

Am I being stupid, that I'm actually disappointed with how few people commented on "Night Entries"?

Last night, I ended up spending most of my shift dealing with "The Voice." Some people probably have heard "The Voice" - its the one that tells you that you are not enough - not good enough, not smart enough, in every aspect of your life, you're not enough. Pray I can drown it out, before I start feeling like I should apologize for taking up space and breathing valuable oxygen....

Well, "Night entries" part 4 is up, and I'm glad its done. Meanwhile, I had a super hard weekend at work, and I'm sore.

Keep me in your prayers, everybody. The idea I got was to create a diary of my 13th year of life. Its going to be scary, and hard to write at times, so I may need all of you hanging on to me.

Well, I'm making some contingency plans in case things really go into the crapper here. I may have to get a second (third, maybe, since I'm also helping the ex and taking care of my daughter) job. Under those circumstances, I don't know when I would sleep ... The other thing I can do is figure out where I can save money - without totally sacrificing my dreams of being able to at least be on hormones. "Tight" don't even cover it. Ah, well.

Well, just when things started to go well, my mother got a notice from her bankruptcy lawyer. Apparently, she has not been paying him, nor has she been doing what he told her to do. So now he is suing her to get a garnish on her wages to make her pay. I'm trying to get her to talk to a professional counselor, its clear she's not making good decisions, but I'm not having much luck. She told me the reason why she has kept this from me is because she thought I was too fragile myself until very recently when I started working as Dorothy, by which point it was too late for me to help much.

And I guess it went okay. I was rated a 3.25 out of 5, so above the minimum, but not as good as I hoped. I'll have to try and do better by the next evaluation.