Well, yesterday while I had the day off, I went back over my blog here, and its hard to believe how much has changed for me from the beginning. Then, I was still struggling with accepting myself as a woman inside, still hoping somehow I could be the male person everyone wanted me to be. And even as I started to accept myself internally, I struggled with feeling like there was nothing I could do - no way I could pass dressed as a woman, much less begin a transition, and yet here I am, on my way, able to go out unafraid, accepted at work, and even started hormones.

I had a bit of a funny moment at work yesterday. I was walking down the main aisle, and I could hear someone bringing a pallet behind me. I glanced behind, and saw one of my co-workers, and for some reason I thought, "Is he looking at my butt?" I had to restrain myself from adding a little extra wiggle to my walk, and I don't know why I felt like that.

Well, thanks to all the loving support I get here, I'm doing better. Now with that crisis behind me (hopefully), I wanted to talk about my boy name. I'm not sure why I've been so reluctant to share it, going so far as to create a pseudonym even in my autobiographical story "night entries". I'm gonna have to mull this one for a bit.

Well, I got the green light. I started female hormones today. (Does a little happy dance)

I've been thinking hard about why I have such a hard time sometimes with the idea of moving forward. It has a lot of factors - a lot of fear of losing my child, some general anxiety about the necessity of this transition, to name two. But one major factor is the fact that the closer I get to being female, the closer I get to the heart of my abuse. It was the justification my attacker used for his use of me, and it led to me making a connection between being girly and being hurt. I hope I can move past that part, eventually.

But the next couple of stories won't be filled with sunshine and puppies. Sorry.

Last night, one of the janitors came up to me, and asked me why I have two names, so I told him about transitioning. He asked me which name I prefer, and I told him "Dorothy." He said, "Cool. Nice to meet you, Dorothy." Then he went on his way. Pretty cool, yes?

When I first went online looking for answers for my gender issues, I came across a site called Daily Strength that I found very helpful. (My profile can be found here: http://www.dailystrength.org/home/profile ) One of the features is the ability to create a goal, and I decided that mine was to "become whole". I wasn't 100 % clear what I meant by that, and in fact my idea of "wholeness" has radically changed. When I joined that site, I viewed my need to be female or as feminine as possible as a form of addiction, and hoped that somehow I could be cured of it.

As I mentioned in my last entry, I got a hug from my ex last night. Well, she had also tried to get me to talk to her, and even said, "I'm not your enemy" It made me think that the time may come very soon for me to come clean with her. Too bad I'm such a scardy-cat. Ah, well.

Wednesdays are like my Saturday - I finish my week of work Tuesday morning, and am back to work Thursday night. I've already gotten my car maintenance done today, and I'm really going to enjoy having the night off tonight.

There are times I worry about my dark side. There are occasions when part of me seems to want to go back to being a toy again. That frightens me to no end.

Well, my visit went as well as I could have hoped. The nurse took my BP, my weight, and my height, and then the doctor checked my heart, and my lungs, and took a medical history. He then went over what the hormones should do for me, and the risks involved. Then he gave me a permission slip to sign, and a sheet to take to a lab for my blood work. I'll go get that done in the morning, and hopefully, when I see him again in Oct., I will be given the green light to start the hormones.

My writing has slowed to a crawl. Some days, I'm managing a sentence a day, and that's not an exaggeration. So it may be quite a while before anything new goes up. Sorry all.