Dorothy Colleen

had an interesting conversation at work

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Last night, one of the janitors came up to me, and asked me why I have two names, so I told him about transitioning. He asked me which name I prefer, and I told him "Dorothy." He said, "Cool. Nice to meet you, Dorothy." Then he went on his way. Pretty cool, yes?

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Becoming whole

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When I first went online looking for answers for my gender issues, I came across a site called Daily Strength that I found very helpful. (My profile can be found here: http://www.dailystrength.org/home/profile ) One of the features is the ability to create a goal, and I decided that mine was to "become whole". I wasn't 100 % clear what I meant by that, and in fact my idea of "wholeness" has radically changed. When I joined that site, I viewed my need to be female or as feminine as possible as a form of addiction, and hoped that somehow I could be cured of it.

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A Bedtime Story

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A Bedtime story

“Tell me again about Mama, Daddy.”

The first time my son had asked me that question, I hesitated to respond. I thought “What good could come of reliving our grief?”

But then I recalled how the grief and loss I felt when my dad died had been multiplied by the fact that everyone refused to talk about him, as if he had never existed. So I put aside my own grief, and shared with my son, and now it was a nightly ritual.

“Bobby, are you sure you want to hear this again? Its a sad story, remember.”

wondering about talking to my ex

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As I mentioned in my last entry, I got a hug from my ex last night. Well, she had also tried to get me to talk to her, and even said, "I'm not your enemy" It made me think that the time may come very soon for me to come clean with her. Too bad I'm such a scardy-cat. Ah, well.

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toying with doing more of my life story

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I'm mulling over the possibility of doing more of my life story. Between "I am Nine Years Old" and "Night Entries", I've covered most of my childhood until I turned 18. But that leaves a lot of years between then and now to talk about. The big question, is how would I do it? Any suggestions?

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Why is being transgender so complicated?

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Why is being transgender so complicated?

(Based on Avril Lavigne's "Complicated", here's a link to the original:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NPBIwQyPWE

Uh huh, life sucks like this

Uh huh, that’s the way it is.

‘Cause life sucks like this

And that’s the way it is.

(Verse 1:)

Sometimes, wonder what I’m striving for

‘cause I’ve always failed before

But if you could look in me, you might see

I’d like to be myself at last

no more controlled by my past

This is the message I send

tired of having to pretend

(Chorus)

I am a contact junkie

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Today reminded me of just how much a contact junkie I am. At various times today I curled up beside my mother while she slept on the couch, had my daughter use me a jungle gym, and even managed to get a hug from my ex. I'd been jonesen for this level of contact for a while, so it feels good, but eventually the high will wear off, and I'll go back to craving it again. Ah, well.

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satisfying my inner geek

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I know the story was a while ago, but writing my last Phoenix story was memorable enough that I wanted to bring it up again. See, I've always loved team-up stories in the comics, so creating a team up with Phoenix really hit my sweet spot. Anyone else have a special story they've written?

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my vist to the endochrinology office

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Well, my visit went as well as I could have hoped. The nurse took my BP, my weight, and my height, and then the doctor checked my heart, and my lungs, and took a medical history. He then went over what the hormones should do for me, and the risks involved. Then he gave me a permission slip to sign, and a sheet to take to a lab for my blood work. I'll go get that done in the morning, and hopefully, when I see him again in Oct., I will be given the green light to start the hormones.

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almost passed out at work

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Well, I've been pushing myself too hard, apparently. Just after 3 am last night, my body decided it had enough, and I nearly collapsed. I caught myself at the last moment, but it was a wake-up call in more ways than one. I'm going to take it very easy the next couple of days, and be as good shape as I can for my appointment with the endo doc on Wednesday. Hugs to all.

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I wish I could make a map for my new story

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I'm working on my story based on on my D and D experience, and I really wish I could include a map of some kind. Most fantasy stories have them, and it may help the reader figure out where they are, and I always enjoyed them when I saw one. Its too bad I cant figure out a way to make one for the story ....

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one of my friends at work got hurt last night

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One of the few people at work who is kind enough to call me Dorothy got hurt last night. She's been struggling with back pain the last couple of days (She missed Sunday night because of it), and I guess her back went out again, and she went home halfway through the shift. I hope she'll be okay.

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Feeling better, and about "The Big Mall"

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Well, I'm feeling a touch better today. I'm trying to not look too far ahead, nor worry about the stuff beyond my control, and that's helping.

Meanwhile, I wanted to take a sec and talk about "The Big Mall". Its one of those stories that had a life of its own. My original idea was simple - a woman like me meets the Wizard,, little bit of magic, and a satisfying ending. But my lead character had her own ideas as to what she needed, and finally I had to concede to her wishes. I think it worked out rather well, dont you?

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SRU - The Big Mall

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SRU: The Big Mall

Edmonton isnt the first place you think of when you think “tourist destination” But there is one site that brings people from all over the world to see it - The Big Mall. Its real name is West Edmonton Mall, but nobody calls it that. Its always just been - The Big Mall. At one time, it was the biggest in the world, and I think its still in the top three.

My little SRU story is nearly ready

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I'm just about ready to publish my little SRU story. Its very different (I think) than anything that has been done in that universe. I rather hope you like it.

By the way, I want to say I'm really proud of all the people who commented on "Justice?" We got a good range of opinions, all well thought out, and yet stayed civil with each other as each person stated our views. Well done, one and all.

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About "Justice?"

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I wanted to talk for a moment about my last story, "Justice?" When I started with the idea, I planned to make it two stories - "The Defense" and "The Prosecution" Basically, first we would see her grief at the rape and death of her sister, and her need for some kind of justice. Then we would see the other side - the insanity of trying to take the law into her own hands, and the horror of the method she used to try and punish them. But the story took on a life of its own, and I was left with her awaking to her own guilt, and making the choice to seek the punishment of the law for her actions.

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Justice?

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Justice?

This one has some strong themes including forced femininization Please read with care, and comments, as always, are appreciated.

The detective came into the interview room, and placed a tape recorder on the table. A pretty young woman followed him, and took the seat he indicated.

Had a nightmare yesterday

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I had a nightmare yesterday. I dreamt I heard a woman's voice telling me to be careful, that "They" were coming close and that I was unarmed. The fear in the voice was enough to wake me, and I found it hard to go back to sleep again. Here's hoping today I sleep better, I don't need to be driving to work drowsy.

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Near the Threshold

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Near the Threshold

Ever had an “ah ha!” moment? Where everything you think about changes? I had one. It started in an very odd place - my local swimming pool. I had just finished my swim, and I headed for the change areas when I made a simple mistake. I turned left instead of right, and walked into the woman’s change area. In my defense, I can’t see well without my glasses, and I was tired from my swim, so I missed the sign, and just went in.

A Letter to My Step-Father

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A letter to my step father

Dear Ken,

I had the urge to write to you, to finally end the hold you have on my soul. You caused me a lot of pain, back in the day, and its long past time for me to deal with it. In some ways, you had the odds stacked against you from the day you came into our lives. You were being asked to replace my fallen father, and instead of a couple of normal kids, you were saddled with one mentally wounded boy, and me - a broken human being stuck between genders.

Well, this isnt working out according to plan

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Well, today is not going well. I had the idea of creating a little Spells R Us story, something light and fluffy and full of wish-fulfillment. So I started with the simple idea of me (with a different name, but me, nevertheless) running into the Wizard. Unfortunately, its not going according to plan. I may end up with the most depressing SRU story in history ....

Ah, well.

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fighting off PTSD

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I woke up a bit shaky today, with flashbacks coming on and off all day, but I managed to keep my head, and focused on things like my little dog. Then this evening I decided I should write a letter to my step-father, since most of my flashbacks today were about him. I may publish it, I don't know yet. Anyway, the day ended on a good note with my daughter coming over. We took the dog for a walk, and ran into a huge desert tortoise being walked by its owner. My dog actually didn't mind the creature, and gave it a good sniff on its behind like it was a fellow dog.

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I've got a silly little dog

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This morning, I was using my electric shaver to remove the hair from my arms, legs, and chest when my dog decided she needed to investigate the noise. You'd think a dog would be scared of a shaver, but she seemed to think I needed comforting during the procedure, as she nuzzled me as I worked to remove my hair. I love my little dog.

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