I have talked a bit about about my first girlfriend before, but I was talking about her to a co-worker last night, and it occurred to me to account our time together in one post.

I was going to university and being a book person, I explored the many libraries of my campus, looking for new things to read, That's when I saw her, the pretty blonde who sometimes helped me check out my material. I was smitten from the first, and totally out of character for me, I actually managed to do something about that - I asked her to join me for a walk.

Some random thoughts:

I was watching the first season of "Heroes" the other day. I'm a lot like Peter from that show - I was the family screw-up while my brother overcame our background to become a success. And yet he would drop everything to help me in any way possible.

I wonder where my poetry muse went? Its been a long time since I've written a new original piece.

My ex hasnt noticed the earrings yet. I wonder how big my front will get before she notices that?

In the entry before last, I compared my transition to a journey. Keeping with that theme, here is a list of some stuff I hope I've got packed for my particular journey:

Patience. There are going to be lots of times when I'll feel like I'm standing still, so I'll need this.

Persistence - Its a long trip, and I know I'll be tempted to quit, so I'll really have to have some of this packed.

A sense of humor - I'm going to make mistakes, maybe even make a fool of myself sometimes. Having this will help a lot.

There are a lot of clubs in the world. There are dance clubs, and country clubs, athletic clubs and book clubs. And then there is this club. Some famous people are members. Oprah is, for example. Its not exclusive, but it sure can cost to be a member. But once you're in, you belong for life. There isn't a secret handshake, but some members say they can recognize a fellow member without them saying a word.

What is this club?

The sexually abused.

One club nobody ever wants to join, but estimates say 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will become members.

Well, last night, as I was talking to my mother, she mentioned that my ex had said that "you treat him like a woman, so that's why he acts like one", referring to me. I did a double take, and asked her when this came up, and she said it happened during their fight the day before. I'm not sure quite what to make of this, but it could mean things are about to come to a head with her on the transition issue. Wish me luck.

Well, yesterday was a pretty tough day for me. It went well until I got a phone call from my ex asking me where my mother was with Sam. I knew mom was taking her to a show, so I told the ex they probably are running late, maybe picking up some food for supper. Now, I was supposed to go to my ex's and pick her up and take her to her job at the doctor's office at 6, and she phoned twice more before then, getting more angry that my mom hadn't shown up with every call.

She and I were talking on the BC chat site, and she made me a pretty little Lolita dress. Since then, my mental age has been about seven or so - I spent the rest of the night on the chat site looking for my teddy and trying to get people to join me for a tea party. Okay, so it was fun to let my inner girl out like that, but now I worry she wont want to go back in ....

Ah, well.

Had an amazing moment at work last night. I was in a good mood, but then I went from being just happy to something beyond anything I've experienced. I had this feminine energy flowing through me, filling me. I felt so female that if I spontaneously had a sex change I wouldn't been at all surprised. It put an extra wiggle in my walk, that's for sure. I rather hope this happens again. Here's hoping and praying it does.

Well, I've just about survived Christmas dinner with my ex. I'm glad I had Sam, but we also ended up having Jason and Joel, the two boys who are the sons of my ex's best friend. Sam sees them as cousins, so they had to be included, I guess.

It wasn't horrible, but I hated having to hide the present Mom got Dorothy, and I dont feel very well, like I'm coming down with something.

I guess it could be worse. By next year I might be fighting my ex for the right to see my child at all.

Ah, well

Been struggling with a feeling of impending doom the last couple of days, which is why I wrote "Five years gone". Not sure why, but it might have to do with the stress at work and getting some negative feedback over my speed there from my supervisor. I hope I can get through this feeling, but much more importantly, I hope the doom doesnt happen.

Yesterday, when I was getting dressed, I noticed I'm getting a little definition in my breasts - they seem slightly more "perky" and I have cleavage. It looks a little different from the "moobs" (Man-boobs) I have had up to now. It might just be my imagination, since I have had no "growing pains" there, but I'll take it.

I had an interesting moment at work. A customer was waiting for service at the jewelry counter, so I paged for a cashier person to come over. As I was walking away, his wife came up, and said she had had no luck finding someone to help them. Then the man pointed at me and said, "She paged for us."

"She."

This was no sales person hoping for my business, nor even a co-worker with an obligation to be tolerant, but a customer, a stranger.

Went and saw "The Muppets" tonight. Its a good film, and there was one moment that I especially enjoyed. The main human character says to his muppet brother:

He said: "You've always believed in others, but that's easy. Now you have to believe in yourself, and figure out who you want to be. Because that's what growing up is all about."

I thought it was profound.

I know most trans-people try to be as stealth as possible - some going as far as changing towns to escape from their past as the opposite gender. But for me, because of my circumstances, this simply isnt an option for me. I have no choice but to be up front about who I am and what I'm doing. There are many times when I wonder what it would be like to be treated as a woman, full stop, but I doubt that will happen. Ah well.

Well, last night went much more smoothly, despite my being in some physical pain. But the topper was when I had to tell a co-worker (who is always rather silent around me) that he had to take a pile of pallets outside. He dropped them in the freezer section of the store instead, and then shook his head, Once I got out of range of him, I started giggling, because it occurred to me to wonder if he was being sexist - he just didnt want to take an order from a girl. Wouldn't that be a hoot?