I'm feeling very fragile at the moment. The wrong thing at the right time or even the right thing at the wrong time, and I will crack.

I thought my piece "last entry" was dark, but the piece I just posted is worse, and to make it harder, its autobiographical. My apologies.

Well, my last piece took a great deal out of me. I'm not even sure where all this darkness came from ...

Man! Its COOOOLD! Minus 35 degrees Celsius. Gonna stay that way for a couple days too. BRRR....

Well, I was going to work last night from the trans group Christmas dinner when a massive snow storm hit. I thought I was doing pretty well when disaster hit - the car in front of me span out of control, ending up sideways across two lanes of traffic. At this point I felt like I had three options: I could aim for the concrete barrier to the right of me, the raised island to the left of me, or I could just hit the breaks and hope. I touched the breaks, knew I was going to slide, and so aimed for the island.

I was incredibly stoked to read that Diana (Moongoddess) had come out to some people at her bingo hall. Of course now our bar of expectations for her goes up and I expect any day to read that she's going to the hall enfemme and getting called "Di" wherever she goes.... (just kidding hon, take your time, do it at a pace you can handle.) Anyway, after reading that I hoped it could be the start of a trend where some of our closeted authors make the choice to come out. Lets make 2012 the Year We All Stopped Hiding!

Well, I just got back from the endocrinology doctor, and he has doubled my prescription of estrogen. Maybe now I'll start seeing some results.

As for the letter I'm writing for my ex, I'm still working on it. I really, really need to find to a way to approach this with her. Right now, I'm struggling with finding the right words. Ah, well, it will come.

Well, last night at work I started working on a letter to my ex. Not to send, since she doesnt read well, but as a way to collect my thoughts. I've been getting a little nudge from my conscience about coming clean, and I think it might be time. Only problem is, I have NO idea what I can say to her that she would be able to hear. If I do this wrong, I could wreck my relationship with not only her but my daughter as well. Pray for me, if you would.

My sister-in-law posted a very nice comment on my Facebook page about my essay, "What is my transition about?", and I want to share it with all of you:

By making me a character in his story, he took what was a tough day for me (I'll tell you guys later why), and turned into the most amazing day I've ever had in my life. I'm having to sit further away from the keyboard to type this so I dont drown the thing in my happy tears....

Thank you Bailey, thank you.

A friend of mine pointed out a couple of things I forgot to mention, that I should DEFINITELY remember to bring along:

A roadmap - as my friend said, sometimes, you need help finding the right pathways, so having a map is a good thing. He recommends a pocket New Testament as a roadmap, and I agree.

another thing he recommends is faith. Without it, I will weaken like I would if I failed to take water. I can only concur.

Lastly, he wished to remind me of one Person who will be with me on this journey - my Lord and my God. Without Him, the journey, and indeed my life, would be a waste.

Okay I know the idea is from "Mastercard" but here would be mine from today:

Leather ladies shoes with a wedge heel - 35 $

my first set of earrings - ruby studs, to be exact - 65 $

Being a couple of small steps closer to being the person I want to be - priceless.

You know, waaaaaay back when I sometimes gave in to my need to be a girl, I would just assume becoming one was pretty much impossible anyway. I could look with envy at the lives of females, but I could never have one. I would look down that path, and see impassible mountains and large guarded gates between me and my desired destination. But now that I'm finally trying to make it happen, I'm finding it almost easy. Those "mountains" are turning into gentle hills, those "gates" are not only unguarded, but unlocked, and open at a touch.

Well, when I got to work last night, I was called into the manager's office. Of course, I started panicking, thinking I must have really done something wrong. Imagine my surprise when all he wanted to do was give me a new ID badge - with the name "Dorothy" on the front. I proudly wore my name on my chest, and I don't think I could have been happier all night long. In fact, looking down at my name helped short-circuit a flashback. I'm so up about this, I may not come down for a week.

I am coming to recognize how I have allowed the events of my past to make me paralyzed in the present. After having my ability to act or think or feel for myself broken, its going to take some doing to learn how to take charge and to no longer be a victim. Its not going to be easy to break this, but break it I must, if I want to be more than a pinball in a pinball machine, as a friend said. I have to learn to trust myself to make decisions, to live with the consequences, and to stop being a deer in the headlights, because we all know how that turns out.

think we've all asked that question on occasion. But maybe it has special meaning for trans people like me. More than anything, I feel a need to know if my gender issues were caused by my rape, or would I have them regardless? I believe I was always going to be Dorothy, no matter what, but I don't know that there is any way to be 100 % sure while I'm still alive. The only real proof I have that I am on the right track is that I have made significant progress in dealing with my past, and there's no sign of a decrease in how much I want to be a woman physically.

Well, I know I wanted to keep this blog more positive, but today was not a good day at work. I ended the day accidentally slicing through a water bottle, spilling the contents all over me, and the floor. To add insult to injury, I was running so late I ended up having to leave the skid for the day staff to finish. Worst of all, my response to all this stress was to get very angry, and I almost said something nasty to my supervisor, but reined myself in in time. Here's hoping today goes better, I have a headache now.