Just got back from lunch with a friend from the local trans support group. It was really nice, especially when they said I'm more feminine than most of the other members, some of whom have already transitioned fully.

Well, despite still fighting the flu, I had a productive day. I got my laundry done, and took my bottles to be recycled. I took the money I got from that and spent some on getting my hair done, which was a nice experience for me since I asked them to do a more feminine style, and they had no issue with it. Again, the amazing tolerance of Canadians comes through.

Well, chapter 7 of "The Dead Kid Returns" is up. It might have to sustain everyone for a while, I'm a little blocked.

Okay, so this is a little weird. I'm on my way home this morning, and the song "Lose Yourself" comes on, and I just start crying, tears running down my cheeks as the song plays. I mean, I know I'm a bit more emotional than normal, but I hadnt expected that. Anybody else have a song that makes them cry for no good reason?

Well, its official. I've got aches, chills, runny nose, the works. Gonna be a bummer at work tonight.

Well, my little link about TG kids seems to have produced some interesting responses, the one everyone is talking about is the person who seems to feel disappointed that we are not all a bunch of sissy masochists. In honor of him, I wanted to produce a list of questions that would generate some anecdotal evidence that we who are transgendered actually do exist, and my own answers.

1: When did you first notice a gender variance in yourself? My memories are hazy, but my best recollection puts it just before my sexual assault, so that would be about 7 years old.

Just wanted to say sorry. It might be a while before I have a story ready for you guys, my writing has dropped to a crawl, and I'm not really sure why.

Well, just got back from getting my car fixed. As we thought, it was a bent rim, so I got off kinda lucky. Still sent me back 300 bucks, so I'm going to have to rein in the budget for a bit. Ah, well.

My mom said that today at breakfast. Made me cry. I wish I could help her, but I dont know how....

I've kinda reached a place where I'm being forced to choose between moving forward and risking what I've already accomplished. See, the next steps are kinda tricky - I have to somehow navigate the ex, change my name, and then I'll be as close as I think I can come as surgery is not likely. But the risks are high too, I flop it with the ex and I worry I'll be tempted to just go back into the closet until I die. I think that's why I've been delaying putting my name change in high gear, much less confront the ex. But standing still isnt much of a option, at least not for long. Ah, well.

I'm feeling very fragile at the moment. The wrong thing at the right time or even the right thing at the wrong time, and I will crack.

I thought my piece "last entry" was dark, but the piece I just posted is worse, and to make it harder, its autobiographical. My apologies.

Well, my last piece took a great deal out of me. I'm not even sure where all this darkness came from ...

Man! Its COOOOLD! Minus 35 degrees Celsius. Gonna stay that way for a couple days too. BRRR....

Well, I was going to work last night from the trans group Christmas dinner when a massive snow storm hit. I thought I was doing pretty well when disaster hit - the car in front of me span out of control, ending up sideways across two lanes of traffic. At this point I felt like I had three options: I could aim for the concrete barrier to the right of me, the raised island to the left of me, or I could just hit the breaks and hope. I touched the breaks, knew I was going to slide, and so aimed for the island.

I was incredibly stoked to read that Diana (Moongoddess) had come out to some people at her bingo hall. Of course now our bar of expectations for her goes up and I expect any day to read that she's going to the hall enfemme and getting called "Di" wherever she goes.... (just kidding hon, take your time, do it at a pace you can handle.) Anyway, after reading that I hoped it could be the start of a trend where some of our closeted authors make the choice to come out. Lets make 2012 the Year We All Stopped Hiding!

Well, I just got back from the endocrinology doctor, and he has doubled my prescription of estrogen. Maybe now I'll start seeing some results.

As for the letter I'm writing for my ex, I'm still working on it. I really, really need to find to a way to approach this with her. Right now, I'm struggling with finding the right words. Ah, well, it will come.

Well, last night at work I started working on a letter to my ex. Not to send, since she doesnt read well, but as a way to collect my thoughts. I've been getting a little nudge from my conscience about coming clean, and I think it might be time. Only problem is, I have NO idea what I can say to her that she would be able to hear. If I do this wrong, I could wreck my relationship with not only her but my daughter as well. Pray for me, if you would.

My sister-in-law posted a very nice comment on my Facebook page about my essay, "What is my transition about?", and I want to share it with all of you: