This can be the worst time of year for people like me, who are trans. Far too many of us are either rejected by our families, or forced into the closet to please them, and that stings even more during this season, which is often seen as "family time." How can we endure it? More specifically, how can I?

I'm so not looking forward to work tonight. I'm so anxious that things arent going well, that I'm almost having trouble breathing. Ah, well, have to tough it out.

Well, my latest story took a lot out of me. Its total fiction, but I cried writing it. I hope you guys like it.

I bought a 3 dvd set of Jim Henson movies: The dark crystal, Labyrinth, and Mirrormask. They are incredible, and its interesting that two of the films have teen girls as the lead characters. Its also kinda interesting how much I could identify with these two girls, and how much I learned from them. Just one of those things, I guess.

We got a phone call from my aunt Pat last night, saying that her eldest son has cancer. Apparently, he had some before, and was cured, but the new one isnt the same as the old. I guess he is estranged from his dad, and Pat is angry that the boy's father cant put aside their differences because he's sick. It reminded me of the rest of my family, who have taken the ability to hold a grudge and perfected it into an art form. One of these days I should find a way to come out to them, but as they are not part of my life much, if they reject me, I dont lose much. Ah, well.

Well, last night I was starting to feel a wave a grief coming on, and I got to wondering what I could do to endure it better. Just when things started to look bleak, the song "The only girl in the world" came on over our intercom. Somehow, the song got me out of my rut and made me feel better again. Neat trick, that. I'll have to remember it the next time.

Well, I think the hormones are starting to have an effect on me, but not in a good way. Several times last night I was in tears, frustrated with my lack of strength. Overall, the day sucked, and I left feeling like pretty much a complete failure. Ah, well.

I'm having trouble figuring out my ex. Yesterday, after the Christmas do at my brother's, I took my daughter home, and since I didn't have to work, I came into my ex's house for a bit. While I'm there, my ex starts playing with my hair, complimenting me on its softness and length, and making suggestions to help cover up my bald spot. Then today, when I was dropping off my daughter, she noticed I now have pink gloves, and gave me the third degree for their color. Like I said, she confuses me.

Well, Christmas at my brothers went pretty well. My daughter had a lot of fun decorating their tree, and then we made marshmallow snowmen while sipping hot chocolate. So what if I didnt get to wear a pretty Christmas dress?

Well, I'm going to be stuck in boy mode tonight, as my daughter and I will be going over to my brother's place and helping them trim the tree. It was really nice of them to think of inviting my daughter, so I'll keep the girl stuff to a minimum.

Well, last night was kind of a mixed day. First, just before we started, I said to one of the other girls, "Shoot. I forgot to bring my boobs" By which I mean the little inserts that I use to give me some shape. She started laughing, and said, "Sorry, Dorothy. I just thought there are days when I wish I could forget mine at home."

Well, I just got home from seeing the gender specialist. He's going to send a letter to my work asking them to respect me enough to include my female name on my name tag. Otherwise, things are going well. I told him about my flashbacks, and he gave me a prescription for Ativan to help me calm myself if I'm having one. I dont know about meds, but it might be better than trying to handle it on my own.

Well, I survived my brother's birthday party. I love my brother, but I have been finding it increasingly hard to be around him with his and my sister-in-laws rejection of my transition. The use of my male name, the total silence if I bring up anything to do with my transition, it just wears on me. I was going to get him a gender-neutral card, but decided he could just deal with the fact I'm his sister for once, and got a nice card from a sister to her brother for him instead. He did thank me for it, but I got the distinct impression he was ignoring that part of the card. Ah, well.

Well, I've got my new glasses, and I feel pretty good about it. They are ladies, but not so fem I can't wear em around the ex, and I think they look cute. Much happiness.

I am a girl by sufferance. I was not born a girl, didnt have a girlhood to learn the nuances of being a girl. I do not believe I really "pass" as a girl by any objective standard. So I am a girl by sufferance. My girlhood can be taken from me by words - "Him", "Sir" or my male name. It can be taken from me by actions - isolation, rejection, contempt. No "natural" girl will ever know what that feels like, to be "tolerated" like I'm some crazy person that no one has the energy to argue with.

Well, my ex will get sworn in as a Canadian citizen today, and we are going to attend. I have to be in "male drag" - my mother's expression, giggle.