Been struggling with a feeling of impending doom the last couple of days, which is why I wrote "Five years gone". Not sure why, but it might have to do with the stress at work and getting some negative feedback over my speed there from my supervisor. I hope I can get through this feeling, but much more importantly, I hope the doom doesnt happen.

Yesterday, when I was getting dressed, I noticed I'm getting a little definition in my breasts - they seem slightly more "perky" and I have cleavage. It looks a little different from the "moobs" (Man-boobs) I have had up to now. It might just be my imagination, since I have had no "growing pains" there, but I'll take it.

I had an interesting moment at work. A customer was waiting for service at the jewelry counter, so I paged for a cashier person to come over. As I was walking away, his wife came up, and said she had had no luck finding someone to help them. Then the man pointed at me and said, "She paged for us."

"She."

This was no sales person hoping for my business, nor even a co-worker with an obligation to be tolerant, but a customer, a stranger.

Went and saw "The Muppets" tonight. Its a good film, and there was one moment that I especially enjoyed. The main human character says to his muppet brother:

He said: "You've always believed in others, but that's easy. Now you have to believe in yourself, and figure out who you want to be. Because that's what growing up is all about."

I thought it was profound.

I know most trans-people try to be as stealth as possible - some going as far as changing towns to escape from their past as the opposite gender. But for me, because of my circumstances, this simply isnt an option for me. I have no choice but to be up front about who I am and what I'm doing. There are many times when I wonder what it would be like to be treated as a woman, full stop, but I doubt that will happen. Ah well.

Well, last night went much more smoothly, despite my being in some physical pain. But the topper was when I had to tell a co-worker (who is always rather silent around me) that he had to take a pile of pallets outside. He dropped them in the freezer section of the store instead, and then shook his head, Once I got out of range of him, I started giggling, because it occurred to me to wonder if he was being sexist - he just didnt want to take an order from a girl. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

Of all the aspects of myself that give me trouble, (which are many, and profound) the one that is on my mind at the moment is my ongoing internal narration. I seem to have an author within, recording and commenting on my thoughts and actions from a third person perspective.

I believe the medical term for this is disassociation.

This one was one of those stories that went in a different direction once I actually started writing it. Once I saw one of these angels at my work, using one as a springboard to a story just seemed natural. The only question was, what kind of story?

I had a funny moment at the bank today. I went in to get cash for my mom, as I am now paying rent here, and the clerk took my card, looked at the male name, looked back at me, and went "But... but.. your hair, your ....." So to save her, I told her I was transitioning, and the card was in my legal name. She got the money for me, and I thanked her for making my day. Funny, yes?

Well, I had the worst flashback I have ever had. I'm still shaky. About the only good thing to come out of it was the story I just submitted.

Sounds like a car pool, doesn't it? Well, in this case Stu is for Stewart Copland, Andy is Andy Summers, and Gordon? Gordon Sumner, AKA Sting. I had The Police going full blast all the way home this morning, and just sang along as I drove. Fun.

Well, I finally heard back from the councilor my brother sent my info to, and I tried my best to craft a response to him. In all honesty, I'm not hopeful that anything can come out of it, but you never know.

Well, I would like to share my day in "male drag". It started when I got home from work at 7 am, and got into the only male dress outfit I have - pants. dress shirt, and suit jacket, and waited until it was time to pick up my ex and my daughter. Once we got there, we found out we had a couple of hours to wait until the ceremony, but my ex had to get into the line, so I started to wish I had grabbed a nap before we left, as I found being on my feet for that long rather tough.

Well, after a week of being home sick, my daughter is back, and full of life as always. Is there a better sound in the world than the giggle of a little girl?

Well, I just wanted to send out a big "Thank you" to those who read and enjoyed "A Tapestry of Stars" enough to leave a comment. Thanks to all of you.

I'm going to post my TG day of remembrance story now. I hope you guys like it, and remember to leave a comment!