Well, when I got to work last night, I was called into the manager's office. Of course, I started panicking, thinking I must have really done something wrong. Imagine my surprise when all he wanted to do was give me a new ID badge - with the name "Dorothy" on the front. I proudly wore my name on my chest, and I don't think I could have been happier all night long. In fact, looking down at my name helped short-circuit a flashback. I'm so up about this, I may not come down for a week.

I am coming to recognize how I have allowed the events of my past to make me paralyzed in the present. After having my ability to act or think or feel for myself broken, its going to take some doing to learn how to take charge and to no longer be a victim. Its not going to be easy to break this, but break it I must, if I want to be more than a pinball in a pinball machine, as a friend said. I have to learn to trust myself to make decisions, to live with the consequences, and to stop being a deer in the headlights, because we all know how that turns out.

think we've all asked that question on occasion. But maybe it has special meaning for trans people like me. More than anything, I feel a need to know if my gender issues were caused by my rape, or would I have them regardless? I believe I was always going to be Dorothy, no matter what, but I don't know that there is any way to be 100 % sure while I'm still alive. The only real proof I have that I am on the right track is that I have made significant progress in dealing with my past, and there's no sign of a decrease in how much I want to be a woman physically.

Well, I know I wanted to keep this blog more positive, but today was not a good day at work. I ended the day accidentally slicing through a water bottle, spilling the contents all over me, and the floor. To add insult to injury, I was running so late I ended up having to leave the skid for the day staff to finish. Worst of all, my response to all this stress was to get very angry, and I almost said something nasty to my supervisor, but reined myself in in time. Here's hoping today goes better, I have a headache now.

Well, my brother sent me a friend request on face book. Here is hoping he likes what he sees ....

We were on coffee break, and one of my co-workers told me this story: She had tried to explain who I am and what I'm doing to her daughter, who is 11. The girl said, "So he is a boy who wants to be a girl?" Then she paused and said, "Smart." I thought it was kinda cute and funny.

I know I've been a bit of a Negative Nelly lately, and as good as it might be to get those kinds of feelings out on paper (or on computer screen, as the case may be, its past time for me to start focusing on the positive. So, I'm going to list all the things for which I am grateful.

This can be the worst time of year for people like me, who are trans. Far too many of us are either rejected by our families, or forced into the closet to please them, and that stings even more during this season, which is often seen as "family time." How can we endure it? More specifically, how can I?

I'm so not looking forward to work tonight. I'm so anxious that things arent going well, that I'm almost having trouble breathing. Ah, well, have to tough it out.

Well, my latest story took a lot out of me. Its total fiction, but I cried writing it. I hope you guys like it.

I bought a 3 dvd set of Jim Henson movies: The dark crystal, Labyrinth, and Mirrormask. They are incredible, and its interesting that two of the films have teen girls as the lead characters. Its also kinda interesting how much I could identify with these two girls, and how much I learned from them. Just one of those things, I guess.

We got a phone call from my aunt Pat last night, saying that her eldest son has cancer. Apparently, he had some before, and was cured, but the new one isnt the same as the old. I guess he is estranged from his dad, and Pat is angry that the boy's father cant put aside their differences because he's sick. It reminded me of the rest of my family, who have taken the ability to hold a grudge and perfected it into an art form. One of these days I should find a way to come out to them, but as they are not part of my life much, if they reject me, I dont lose much. Ah, well.

Well, last night I was starting to feel a wave a grief coming on, and I got to wondering what I could do to endure it better. Just when things started to look bleak, the song "The only girl in the world" came on over our intercom. Somehow, the song got me out of my rut and made me feel better again. Neat trick, that. I'll have to remember it the next time.

Well, I think the hormones are starting to have an effect on me, but not in a good way. Several times last night I was in tears, frustrated with my lack of strength. Overall, the day sucked, and I left feeling like pretty much a complete failure. Ah, well.

I'm having trouble figuring out my ex. Yesterday, after the Christmas do at my brother's, I took my daughter home, and since I didn't have to work, I came into my ex's house for a bit. While I'm there, my ex starts playing with my hair, complimenting me on its softness and length, and making suggestions to help cover up my bald spot. Then today, when I was dropping off my daughter, she noticed I now have pink gloves, and gave me the third degree for their color. Like I said, she confuses me.

Well, Christmas at my brothers went pretty well. My daughter had a lot of fun decorating their tree, and then we made marshmallow snowmen while sipping hot chocolate. So what if I didnt get to wear a pretty Christmas dress?

Well, I'm going to be stuck in boy mode tonight, as my daughter and I will be going over to my brother's place and helping them trim the tree. It was really nice of them to think of inviting my daughter, so I'll keep the girl stuff to a minimum.