What is my Transition about?

What is my transition about?

Well, it might be easier to start with what it isn’t.

Its not about sex.

Let’s make something really, really clear. I don’t fancy boys. Never had a crush on one as a kid, never had butterflies in my tummy about talking with one, never dreamed of having one kiss me.

So put aside any thoughts about me making myself more attractive to men. Its just not the case.

As for being a transvestite, well, the simple fact is that I dont get any sexual charge from women’s clothes. None. they are just what a woman wears, so that’s what I wear.

To further that point, its not about the clothes.

I wear pants and a shirt most days. Dresses and skirts are saved for special occasions - just like most women my age. Yes, there are times when I want to be more feminine, but I’m a practical woman , and so end up in comfortable, durable clothes. And as for underwear, that’s even more practical, as the only person who will ever see them is me.

Its not about attracting attention.

My happiest moments during this transition have been when I’ve gone out and had no special attention paid to me. I was seen as just another woman going about her business, and it was marvelous. That’s one reason I’ve picked the wardrobe I have, so I dont get people staring at me.

This isnt about making people feel sorry for me.

Anyone who knows my story knows I’ve had a few bad things happen to me. But I know others with lives that make mine look like a walk through the park. I’ve been pitied, while it can feel good to have someone empathize with me, a person gets tired of being the object of pity pretty fast.

I’ve thought more than once that I know people are judged by how they treat “the least of these”, but I would be just as happy if “the least of these” was somebody other than me. Frankly, I would like to be worth more than just pity.

This isnt about my rape, or “hating” being a guy.

Look, my memory of those years is beyond hazy, but some things I can recall, especially now that I’ve started working on recovering from my assault. And my best recollection indicates that I blamed my wanting to be female for my rape. In fact my memory suggests that my rapist used that desire as a means to help keep me under his control.

I believe, and what evidence I have supports this, that rather than creating “Dorothy” to deal with the rape, I buried her along with the memories of the rape, and tried to create a male persona to function in the day to day world. The more I recover from what happened to me, the more Dorothy began to emerge, or rather re-emerge from hiding. That’s a close to proof of this as I can produce.

So what’s my transition about?

Well, I’m hoping for a sense of peace, a feeling of being in the right skin for the first time in my life. I’ve already started to get close to that, having a relaxation of tension and generally a better attitude towards life in general. I’m a BETTER person now, by any measurement you care to make, and that’s what this is all about.