What is my Transition about?
What is my transition about?
Well, it might be easier to start with what it isn’t.
Its not about sex.
Let’s make something really, really clear. I don’t fancy boys. Never had a crush on one as a kid, never had butterflies in my tummy about talking with one, never dreamed of having one kiss me.
So put aside any thoughts about me making myself more attractive to men. Its just not the case.
As for being a transvestite, well, the simple fact is that I dont get any sexual charge from women’s clothes. None. they are just what a woman wears, so that’s what I wear.
To further that point, its not about the clothes.
I wear pants and a shirt most days. Dresses and skirts are saved for special occasions - just like most women my age. Yes, there are times when I want to be more feminine, but I’m a practical woman , and so end up in comfortable, durable clothes. And as for underwear, that’s even more practical, as the only person who will ever see them is me.
Its not about attracting attention.
My happiest moments during this transition have been when I’ve gone out and had no special attention paid to me. I was seen as just another woman going about her business, and it was marvelous. That’s one reason I’ve picked the wardrobe I have, so I dont get people staring at me.
This isnt about making people feel sorry for me.
Anyone who knows my story knows I’ve had a few bad things happen to me. But I know others with lives that make mine look like a walk through the park. I’ve been pitied, while it can feel good to have someone empathize with me, a person gets tired of being the object of pity pretty fast.
I’ve thought more than once that I know people are judged by how they treat “the least of these”, but I would be just as happy if “the least of these” was somebody other than me. Frankly, I would like to be worth more than just pity.
This isnt about my rape, or “hating” being a guy.
Look, my memory of those years is beyond hazy, but some things I can recall, especially now that I’ve started working on recovering from my assault. And my best recollection indicates that I blamed my wanting to be female for my rape. In fact my memory suggests that my rapist used that desire as a means to help keep me under his control.
I believe, and what evidence I have supports this, that rather than creating “Dorothy” to deal with the rape, I buried her along with the memories of the rape, and tried to create a male persona to function in the day to day world. The more I recover from what happened to me, the more Dorothy began to emerge, or rather re-emerge from hiding. That’s a close to proof of this as I can produce.
So what’s my transition about?
Well, I’m hoping for a sense of peace, a feeling of being in the right skin for the first time in my life. I’ve already started to get close to that, having a relaxation of tension and generally a better attitude towards life in general. I’m a BETTER person now, by any measurement you care to make, and that’s what this is all about.
Comments
Hmm...
Hmm.. I think you've chosen a subject that's difficult for people to comment on. A decision to transition (and what you hope to realize from that) is a very personal one.
It's very easy to offer offense unintentionally when discussing the subject.
Specific approaches to gender identity issues are as varied as the people who have them.
I'm not sure what else to say besides offering the hope that your transition takes you to the place you feel you want to get to.
thanks, Kalkin
I sent a copy of this to my brother, I hope it helps him understand me.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
Difficulty in commenting
I suppose the best way one could comment would be to echo your own writing. I remember when I came out to my boss, and his first remark was along the lines of sexuality, so I had to give one of my prepared lectures about the difference. So...
I have dresses, I have skirts, I have just taken delivery of a gorgeously plain mid-calf tailored skirt by Ann Harvey from the Debenhams sale, but I spend almost all of my time in trousers or cycle shorts. My 'homewear' is almost always a floor-length skirt on the basis of comfort and warmth. It is what I have on now, along with a sweatshirt. My underwear is rather devoid of lace and frills. While I have a number of pairs of heels, my usual footwear is either a pair of workboots or other flats.
Nothing sexual here either. I am what I am, and what I am is boringly normal, which is all I want. That should chime with a lot of people here, just like your own declaration. In a little while I will be going out to a bike shop and the post office, and then to work. Dresses and heels will not feature, just as they don't on any of my other female colleagues. There will be no sexual thrill from pulling on a pair of plain knickers once I am out of the lycra cycle kit.
I am not what I am because of any rape or mistreatment; deliberate abuse in my life was limited to a constant series of beatings ranging from minor to straight-to-hospital, the PTSD arising from other sources. The beatings were largely because of my GID, not the cause of it.
So, Dot, there you have me. I am not the same as you, nor am I particularly different. We are what we are: thankfully boring, ordinary, women. Long may it be so.
boring, ordinary, women?
no way. You are an extraordinary woman, in many ways. Thanks for commenting.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
For the most part Dorothy, you and I are on the same page
but for different traumas in our lives... i honestly believe, and you can agree or disagree, that we were born female... not physically though... so the transition is for us, for our comfort, for our peace of mind... not for anyone but ourselves... i agree, it is not sexual, not to be noticed, not to stand out...it is just to be...me.
We are truly sisters Dorothy, in our souls and on our journey. thank you for writing this.
Hugs You Tight,
Diana
Proud Member of Team Dorothy
Proud member of Bailey's Angels
And I'm proud to call you my sister, hon
Yes, for peace of mind, we must do what we must. Thanks for commenting.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
I like the upfront beauty of this.
Sometimes really the best way to describe something is to explain what it's not. This will likely strike a chord in a lot of people Dorothy.
Powerful stuff, but the truth often is:)
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey...a proud supporter of Team Dorothy.
Bailey Summers
thanks, Bailey
I really appreciate the comment, hon. Hugs.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
a standing ovation
The idea behind any successful transition is *never* to stand out. If you do stand out, you are doing something wrong.
(I lived by that rule since going full time back in '05)
We cannot all be models, nor other types of 'stick girls' (Skinny girls that have almost no meat on them at all like the ones you see in ads, and general tv programming.)
The aim to be female is not the search for physical beauty that will be very fleeting anyways.
>> Foxxe Wilder >>
exactly, Foxxe
Just to be us. Thanks for commenting.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
Peace of mind
Like Kalkin, this is something that I find is difficult to comment on because it's so very personal to you, although there are some constants in it we will all recognise. My own transition has been very different in a number of ways (I'm a straight girl for a start) but I think you articulated what your transition means to you very clearly. It also takes a lot of courage to write something so autobiographical.
I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
*hugs*
"Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Thanks, Tychonaut
I felt a lot better for doing this. Thanks for commenting.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels