In the spotlight

2014 Back to school contest entry

From the moment it was announced that for our graduation we would be wearing the traditional gowns and caps, I knew my moment was coming.

For as long as I could remember I’d struggled with my gender, and as high school was coming to a close my ability to continue to hold back the truth - that I had always felt like a girl, on the inside, was eroding faster than a sandcastle during a tidal wave.

I would have to plan very carefully - if anybody figured out anything was up, they’d just stop me from getting my diploma.

First, I went to the drama room and looked at the costumes, but then I decided none of them would work. I needed to send the right message, so I kept looking.

Then I caught a break. My next-door neighbor was going to be on vacation for a week, and asked me to come into her place and feed her cat. Then my parents announced that the same week they were going to be out of town for several days as they were taking a second honeymoon. This would leave me free to go between the two houses without anybody noticing, and perhaps I could find the perfect thing to wear under my gown ...

It turned out that my neighbor and I were very close in size, and she rather liked dresses and skirts, so I tried several outfits before I found just the right one to wear. I smuggled it back to my own room, and added a pair of nylons and a bathing suit of my mothers to give me as close to a woman’s shape as I could have.

The day of my graduation, I was prepared - under my track pants and a bulky sweater I had the swimsuit, the nylons, and dress. We were to be given our gowns a half-hour before the ceremony, so I would just excuse myself, run to the washroom, pull off my male clothes, and put back on the gown. Then I would run out to join the other graduates and pray nobody noticed anything wrong before my name was called.

Just this once, I was glad my last name started with a “B” ...

The ceremony started, and after a few boring speeches I didn’t really pay any attention to, they finally started calling out the names.

Then they called my name, and I shook as I walked up.

I was surprised at how many people were applauding ...

My principal handed me my diploma, and my moment had arrived, I tossed my cap, ripped off my gown, and showed everyone in the auditorium what I looked like underneath.

“This is who I am!” I said, pointing to the dress. “Not this name!” I added, shaking my diploma in the air. “I’m a girl! I’ve always been a girl!”

I actually started crying, which caused my principal to usher me off the stage.

I could hear the vice-principal calling out the next name as the principal ushered me back into the school and into her office.

“Now then, young man. What exactly was that display about?” She said sternly.

“The fact that ‘young man’ doesn’t apply to me. I’m a girl. And I am so tired of trying to be something I’m not.”

She sighed, and said, “I am going to have to call in your parents.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’ve graduated, this summer I turn eighteen, and I can make my own choices. I don’t know what my options are, but I know there’s no way I can pretend anymore. Its killing me. They can decide if they’d rather have a dead son or a live daughter.”

“Then a live daughter it will be.”

I turned at this, and saw my mom and dad standing in the doorway.

“You ... heard that?” I said, and my eyes began to tear up.

“We followed the two of you. For obvious reasons, we wanted to hear why you would do this.”

“I’m sorry Mom and Dad ...”

“Well, you should be. If you’ve been feeling like this, why didn’t you come to us? Do we strike you as monsters that you didn’t trust us? Dad asked.

“How could I say I’ve always felt like a girl, Dad. How could I disappoint you by telling you I was not able to be a son for you?”

“The way you just did might have worked.” Mom said. “We love you, we may not have understood, but we’d never reject or hurt you.”

“And if you’d come to me, or the school councillor, we would have tried to help too.” My principal said.

“I’m sorry. I so sorry.” I was weeping by this point.

My mom and dad circled me, and they both hugged me.

“So what happens now?: I managed after a long while.

“Well, for starters, I will ask the school counselor to find the name of a good gender therapist, if your parents are willing.”

“If that’s what my child needs, we’ll do whatever we can.” My mom said.

“In the meantime, there is a graduation dance starting in an hour. If it were up to you, would you like to go as you are now?” the principal asked.

“You mean ... as a girl? Of course I would! But ..”

“But before you go, I think you need a little peaches and cream on your face ... daughter.” My mom said with a smile.

“You okay with this, Dad?” I asked.

“Someone said that the choice was between a live daughter and a dead son. I’ll .. take the daughter, if I get a vote.”

“Of course you do. Thanks.” I said.

“Go with your mother and get done up right. If you’re going to be a girl, you better do it as well as you can.” He said, gruffly, but then he smiled and hugged me.

“Go, shoo.” The principal said. “ I’ll get the information, and call your parents.”

I walked hand in hand with my mother toward the ladies room.

And toward the rest of my life ...

End.