This isn't exactly what I think was intended by the February music challenge, but it is very much musically inspired. So without further ado…
As is often my practice before bedtime, I was relaxing listening to some music when a thought struck me. The music in particular was Johan Sebastian Bach's three part inventions. I know that might seem like an unusual choice for someone who has spent the better part of the last 30 years playing rock, blues and country in bars, but I've always found that Bach relaxes me. Maybe it's the mathematic precision, or the fact that most of his work has been held up as examples of how to correctly do things in music theory classes since, well since it was written so I've been intimately familiar with it for the vast majority of my life. Whatever the reason, there's something about Bach that let's my mind relax.
Back to my story, as I was listening to the way the parts intertwine while still maintaining identifiable identities, I realized that my life is very much like those inventions. I can easily identify multiple aspects of my life that seem to exist apart from the others, yet without all of them I wouldn't be complete.
The first part that comes to mind is Jill. The truth is that Jill exists mostly in my soul, but makes her presence known throughout my life. She influences every thing I do and decision I make, usually without my being consciously aware of that influence at all. I guess you could say that Jill is the soprano voice in the invention that is my life.
The bass, on the other hand, is me as husband and father. Like Jill, my role in this aspect of my life directly affects every single thing I say or do. Sometimes me Jill and me husband and father may conflict with each other, but even when that is the case I'm forced to accept that I couldn't be who I am without either one of them.
Adding further color to things is me the musician. This part of my life may not dominate each and every decision like the other two, but it definitely brings color to what otherwise would no doubt be a passionless existence. Fact is, without music I fear that the conflicts between the other aspects of my life would soon drive me past the point of no return. So even though being a musician doesn't necessarily influence all the decisions I make, it does offer me emotional release that makes it so I can continue to exist despite the battle between being a family man and Jill.
In Bach's inventions, the different parts wind in and around each other, sometimes conflicting and other times complimenting one another. But always, the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. That's where the real comparison comes in.
Me Jill could maybe exist apart from anything else, just as me the husband and father or me the musician might be able to do so. But put them together and I become a much more well rounded person, in ways other than my waistline. The thing that really brings that idea home is the fact that I wouldn't want to try being me without all those individual parts feuding for dominance.
As number 15 in B minor comes to a close, I realize I'm getting rather sleepy. That was the whole reason for listening to them in the first place, after all. So off I go to let Jill, the musician and the husband and father in me move their never ending conflicts to my subconscious for a while so I can get a little rest. Goodnight to all the parts of me.
Comments
Very well put
And I can certainly identify with this one.
Inventing Me
Jil, with all of your musically based stories, THIS short story says everythibg about you.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Want to start a club?
....The Fairly Successful At Dealing With What Is Rather Than What Might Be - Club?
But put them together and I become a much more well rounded person, in ways other than my waistline. The thing that really brings that idea home is the fact that I wouldn't want to try being me without all those individual parts feuding for dominance.
I feel like singing the old Samantha Davis, Jr. song? "I gotta be us?" Thank you for brightening my day by helping me know I'm not alone!
She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Dio benedica la mia bella amici, Andrea
Love, Andrea Lena
Three People in One
Where have I heard that before?
You have certainly made this concept much more concrete than it has been for me before.
You might say your story struck a chord with me.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
This hits home for most of us.
I wrote a poem called The Sum Of All Of Me, and in that popem I pretty much say what you have written here. This is a good write, and even if it is inspired by you the musician, then that in my humble opinion is musical. We are all the sum of our internal parts, physically, mentally, and socially. Now while there are a lot of people in the tg community that are not a part of the social aspect, they are a part of the other two. But they want to stay in the closet so they don't become embarrassed by being "outed" as a "guy in a dress". Hogwash!!! I have only been in the closet to either get an outfit out, or put one away.
We need socialization so that the mainstream can see that there fear of us is unwarranted, and to have that socialization we need that inner strength that makes us proud to be who we are. If I tried being a guy, I would fail miserably, so, I am the sum of all of me; my identity, my physical deformity that needs a little correction, my mentality, and my socialization.
So okay, sombody calls you a name. Stick and stones and walk away. And never get involved with anybody you feel deep inside is really no good for you. We are the sum of all these parts, and much, much more. Thank you for sharing.
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."
I don't want to hurt anyone,
And I don't really know if this needs to be said. But, anyway, my 3 or 4 in one combo, as above, was killing me.
I guess most of us know about gender dysphoria; I had that, shaky self-esteem, major depression (that was sometimes relieved and sometimes not) and other psych problems. I would have been better off, in many ways, if I could have kept the male part in the make-up of myself, but I was frightened by how badly I was feeling. I had gone from begrudgingly accepting the guy stuff, because I thought I had no other choice, to knowing how fantastic it was for everyone to treat me as a womyn, and hating my time spent as a man.
I went full time, without a therapist, without HRT, not as some test, but as a needed escape from what was driving me insane. I had to rid myself of the male facade and some little bits that had ruined my life up till then. I'm a womyn, an athlete, a parent, a partner/lover and a nerdy engineer/mechanic. I'm a persyn, a mother, sister, daughter, a reader/commenter and a friend. I sometimes regret that I'm not more, but that's life.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Ready for work, 1992.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Minusing all but the important part.
Renee:
I think that you will understand this more than lots of others. It is a huge conundrum to address, this changing one's body to the other gender. Yet, it is easy to remember the person I was so that I can compare that to the person I have become. We know that around half of us kill ourselves rather than address the problem, and it was truly a near thing with me. But if I had done it, the cause would not have been because I saw transition as a mistake but rather the inner family angst that at times just took the breath from me.
There is simply no avoiding the fact that Khadijah Gwen is a far superior person to Gwinn Elton. She is happy, bubbly,ebullient, gentle, meek, kind, and gosh, happy! Gwinn was serious, irrascible, depressed, and a sod. There really is no choice is there?
Khadijah