Disassociation

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Of all the aspects of myself that give me trouble, (which are many, and profound) the one that is on my mind at the moment is my ongoing internal narration. I seem to have an author within, recording and commenting on my thoughts and actions from a third person perspective.

I believe the medical term for this is disassociation.

This ability to be not-fully present was born and forged in the fire of my abuse, a survival skill I used to endure my helplessness. But its a two-edged weapon, because essentially what I did was drive myself crazy to try and stay sane, and its a habit I cannot seem to entirely break.

Somehow, I must reconcile this Narrator, make it part of me the way I have finally acknowledged Dorothy, or I will forever be at risk to disappearing within myself.

The only trouble is, I don't know if I can do it alone, and its hard to trust councilors and therapists, because they all have their own biases and agendas, and I would like the being I am molding myself into to be Me - not someone else's idea of who I should be.

Ah, well.

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I used to Disassociate a lot!

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I thought it was just multi tasking but then I finally did crash and spent 4 years in some very intensive psychotherapy. I thought it was just daydreaming then; the lights would be on but no one was home. They kept gently confronting me about it and I finally realised that it was a problem.

It can be dealt with with a lot of love and care. I spent a lot of time in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and still check out some times but it is no where near as disruptive as it was.

There is hope.

Hugs

Gwendolyn

I learned to do something similar

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Gwendolyn's picture

I learned to do something similar because of physical pain. Most of the time when I have to walk anything more then a few blocks, my mind and body will completely disconnect. I'll travel pretty much on autopilot and let myself think about anything else.

If I have any advice, it would be that it sounds like you know what you want to do. Yes therapists are all different, even more so then a family doctor. If you feel that you would like to try talking to someone about this, there isn't any reason for you not to try a few people out to see if you can find someone you're comfortable with. Most therapists should have no problem with you doing this.

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