Disassociation

Of all the aspects of myself that give me trouble, (which are many, and profound) the one that is on my mind at the moment is my ongoing internal narration. I seem to have an author within, recording and commenting on my thoughts and actions from a third person perspective.

I believe the medical term for this is disassociation.

This ability to be not-fully present was born and forged in the fire of my abuse, a survival skill I used to endure my helplessness. But its a two-edged weapon, because essentially what I did was drive myself crazy to try and stay sane, and its a habit I cannot seem to entirely break.

Somehow, I must reconcile this Narrator, make it part of me the way I have finally acknowledged Dorothy, or I will forever be at risk to disappearing within myself.

The only trouble is, I don't know if I can do it alone, and its hard to trust councilors and therapists, because they all have their own biases and agendas, and I would like the being I am molding myself into to be Me - not someone else's idea of who I should be.

Ah, well.