Defender's Dream Angels by Andrea Lena DiMaggio   For every little fault that you have Say I've got three or four The human little faults you do have Just make me love you more

Previously

Somewhere....In the middle of the night...

"Why didn't you stay?"

Donna felt the words pierce her heart once again. She stumbled and fell; her bound hands unable to keep her from hitting the ground hard...the impact broken only by her bare arms. She rolled over, in more pain than she had felt in two lifetimes as she screamed, no sound coming from her throat.....

"Honey...it's a dream....it's a dream."

She shuddered and buried her face in Dani's breast as she cried. Dani stroked her hair, wet with the perspiration that only comes from the terror of facing fear head on and losing; night after night.

In the car on Route 22 East...

“Do we have to eat in?” Jill whined from the back seat. The very attractive woman in the driver’s seat almost channeled her father when she thought,

“If you don’t stop whining I’m going to turn this car around and we’ll just go home.” Dani mulled that for a moment before remembering that the entire police force of Philadelphia would be waiting to arrest her partner for murdering a police officer.

“Jill, we talked about this,” Donna said. The girl looked out the window.

“Jill, please look at me,” Donna said firmly to gain the girl’s eye contact. Jill turned and faced her.

“Honey…we shouldn’t go to a restaurant, even with our disguises; we can’t risk being seen. We’ll get something to take out and eat at whatever motel we settle on, okay. I promise; when this is all over, you and I and Paulette here will take you anywhere you want to go. We can even dress up fancy. Dani winced at both the idea and her 'new' name.

“Promise?”

“Absolutely,” Donna said. Even in the past several years, she and Dani had never gone out ‘dressed fancy,” so it would be an experience they could all share, albeit awkwardly perhaps.

“Still no answer at your brother’s house?” Dani asked, looking in the rearview mirror. Jill looked at her and frowned.

“No…he’s not fucking answering.” The profanity could have been a social faux pas, but Donna took no chances.

“You’re worried about him and your sister, aren’t you?” A minefield she hesitated entering, but it was necessary if risky.

“Fuck yeah… What if they got there before he had a chance to get out?”

Jill looked at her and burst into tears. She started banging her head against the back of the seat until Donna reached out and tapped her wrist. It was a harmless gesture that had no previous meaning for the girl, and it got her attention. She stopped banging her head and looked at Donna.

“Does Jimmy have a place to go? You know…someplace that only you and he know about.” Donna tried to smile and hoped her expression would calm the girl.

“I think he would go to the treehouse. It’s not far from here…our third foster home.”

Donna looked at the map; they had doubled back and were heading toward Kutztown on 22W. She hesitated turning on the radio with the possibility of bad news always looming, but swallowed hard and pressed the power button.

“The Mayor indicated that the budget was negotiable only to a point, and referred to the falloff in state funding for the program. In other news, the investigation of the murder of Detective Marco Spinetti took a strange turn today as it was discovered that Detective Terry Manahan, the former brother-in-law of the primary suspect, Detective Donna Carter, is missing and presumed dead as his car was found in the Schuykill River this morning. Manahan, 39, was retired and working as an IT security consultant. This follows closely on the news that social worker, Ms. Christine Accosta, was found dead of an apparent suicide..” The click of the radio nearly covered Donna’s gasp. Dani reached over and grabbed her wrist softly.

“Maybe he got out; you know Terry…he’s indestructable,” She said even as her own tears nearly matched the ones streaming down Donna’s cheeks. It was not just frightening any more…not just impossible…it had just become personal.

A soft whimper came from the back seat. Donna turned to see Jill leaning against the car window, weeping.

“It’s okay, honey…we’ll make sure that Jimmy and your sister are okay.” She patted the girl on the wrist only to have the girl shake her head no.

“What’s wrong, then? Are you okay?” She shook her head no. Donna half-smiled.

“Your brother…brother-in-law…” She continued to cry.

“That’s sweet, honey…you didn’t even know him...?”

Donna wondered why the girl would cry.

“Bbutt….you’re sad…it hurt you!” The girl dissolved into a torrent of tears as the events of the past several days finally caught up with her. Dani pulled the car into the parking lot of a strip mall and pulled in back. Donna got out and climbed into the back seat. She pulled the girl close to her and held her as she wept along with her.

“Shhh…shhhhh….it’s okay.” She rocked the girl gently in her arms, almost as much for her own sake as for Jill’s. Dani reached back and grabbed Jill’s hand and squeezed.

“Shh…shhhh.” She joined in the sad chorus as the couple found that they had become more than fond of the girl. The three had grown in that one small moment. Jill had just taken a significant step by her display of empathy for Donna’s loss. And the couple had just grown closer to each other and to the girl as they took a giant leap into parenthood.

You may not be an angel
Cause angels are so few
But until the day that one comes along
I'll string along with you

“Nobody’s been here for quite some time, honey. Maybe his foster parents went to the FBI like we told them?” Donna prayed desperately that she was right; anything other than following those instructions would likely have resulted in the parents' deaths and Jill’s brother being held captive; the thought of which turned her stomach in disgust.

“You think the feds might have them in protective custody?” Dani looked at Donna and saw the frown and shake of the head.

“Well…That’s promising,” Dani said as she shook her head in return.

“Why don’t we go get something to eat at that Chinese restaurant I saw just before we got her? I think maybe we can risk it since it’s almost seven and it’s already getting dark. The motel up the road seems like a good bet as well.”

Donna wasn’t going to let fear rule their decisions; the bad guys might have resources, but they couldn’t cover the entire state, could they?

“May I be excused?” Jill looked at Dani, not so much for permission, since she was going to the ladies room. She was seeking approval, since displaying ‘table manners’ was something she was trying to master. Dani nodded and smiled.

“What are we going to do?” Dani bit her lip before continuing; one of them needed to broach the subject, and since she was already talking?

“With Terry gone…” Donna gasped but bit her tongue to keep control.

“With Terry gone, we don’t have anyone to turn to. I’d say drive to Harrisburg and contact the FBI, but who knows where this goes?”

“We go to the source. It started in Jill’s home; we go to her family’s house. No one will expect it.” Dani looked at her as if she had two heads.

“Isn’t that a bit drastic?” She shrugged her shoulders.

“What do you suggest?” Donna snapped, but immediately grabbed Dani’s wrist.

“I’m sorry…I’m just…” The look in Dani’s eyes told Donna she understood. She was going to continue but just then Jill and the waitress arrived. The girl walked around the table and hugged both women from behind before sitting down.

“Well…thank you. What was that for?” Dani asked as she looked at Donna and raised her eyebrows.

“Because…besides my sibs and my mom…Mrs. Muller? You two are the only people who ever cared for me.” She stuck her tongue out a bit in thought before adding,

“And you’re the first people besides them to treat me like a person….like a girl. That’s all.” She smiled and placed her napkin in her lap.

“Well…you are a girl, honey.” Dani smiled and rubbed her shoulder. She pulled her hand back quickly, since the gesture was univited before the girl corrected her.

“That one’s okay…nobody mean ever rubbed my shoulder before. I should just write it down, huh?” She giggled. Dani shook her head in amazement at the girl’s strength.

“Nikki?” Jill grabbed Donna’s sleeve. She had forgotten the name until the girl’s prompt.

“What, honey?” Donna paused. She had begun to use terms of endearment nearly on a regular basis with the girl; something she was unfamiliar with even going back to when she was married to Jean.

“When did you know?” The girl didn’t wait for an answer and asked,

“I mean…I knew when I was little… me and Stacy were playing…she was younger than me. And I wanted to…you know… be just like her and Mommy. Mommy let me try on Stacy’s dress. She and I were the same size even though I’m two years older than her…I guess I was a runt, huh? Anyway…I was like …six maybe? So when did you know?”

“I think that’s a hard question to answer; maybe when I was seven and when I was thirty-one.” She laughed softly and Dani nodded.

“Why? I mean…why two different times?” Jill asked before taking a bit of Moo Shu Pork.

“When I was little, I wasn’t sure…sorta like the feelings were there, but my Mom and Dad…” Donna’s voice trailed off as she remembered the disappointment of her first occasion.

“I had gotten into my Mom’s closet and I put on a blouse of hers with a belt around my waist, like it was a dress. I climbed into her shoes and walked into the living room. My Dad was watching a ball game or something. He looked up and started laughing; not a nice ‘oh that’s cute’ laugh, but really loud and cruel.

“”Look what your son is doing,’ he said. Not Don, or my son or our son, but ‘your son.’” She shook her head.

“Gee, that wasn’t nice. Did it hurt?” Jill looked straight at her. It was the first time since they had met that she had initiated eye contact; another step, perhaps.

“NO, it wasn’t nice and yes, it hurt… a lot. My Mom started to laugh with him and just pointed at him, not me, and said, ‘Oh, no, you’re not blaming me for this.’ Like there was something wrong. And that was the last time from then until I married Jean.” She sighed, both at the memory of her loss and the re-kindling of those feelings of shame and guilt that accompanied her relationship with her late wife.

“Honey,” Dani interrupted, “You have nothing to be ashamed of; Jeannie understood and accepted this part of you, right?”

“Yes…It was on our honeymoon. She and I had just…well…” Donna began to blush.

“You two had sex, yeah...that’s what happens…I’m not a baby.” Jill laughed.

“She turned to me and looked me straight in the eye. It was like a thing out of a movie; she just smiled and said, ‘I know.’ Hell, I didn’t even know and she knew. We spent the whole night talking. We missed our flight to Aruba and had to take one out that evening, but it was good. By the time we got to Aruba, she was kidding me; calling me Donna.” She began to mist up.

“Hey, none of that!” Dani said as she handed Donna a napkin to wipe her tears.

“She actually knew you were a girl?” Dani asked the question, not for herself, but for Jill’s benefit.

“We had only wanted one child, and we actually talked about me transitioning after…”

Donna hadn’t planned on going there, but it was the natural progression of the conversation. She paused long enough to wipe her face once again before excusing herself. She turned and instead of walking to the ladies room, she walked out the door to the car, forgetting that it was locked. She leaned against the roof and began to sob.

“Are you okay?” An elderly couple was walking toward the restaurant entrance and the wife paused.

“It’s okay… she lost someone and it’s been a long day,” Donna looked up to see Dani standing next to her waving to the couple as they walked into the restaurant. Dani turned and gathered Donna into her arms.

“Too much loss, honey…I’m so sorry….let it out. It’s okay…Let it out.” Donna shook in her partner’s arms, weeping for missed opportunities and horrendous loss; for departed loved ones and deferred dreams. And the son she’d never know this side of heaven.

I'm looking for an angel
To sing my love song to
And until the day that one comes along
I'll sing my song to you

She stood in the hospital. The doctor came and consoled the man, patting him on the back. She wanted to say something but her voice would not utter a sound. She went to take a step closer but she felt shackles around her legs and arms. The nurse brought out the tiny form wrapped in the little blue blanket.

“He did nothing wrong…..She...I did nothing wrong...” She felt the shackles fall off her limbs as the voice came from within her… She wept until she could cry no more. A soft hand touched her face and another voice called to her.

“Donna…wake up honey…it’s another dream…wake up…..

Dani looked down at her and her own tears fell onto Donna’s face.

“I…I….it was me, Dani….it was me in the dream…I’m the girl and I’m the man…what does it mean.’ Donna already knew; at least she thought she knew and wanted desperately to be right.

“You’re who you are, honey…You weren’t born the day we met…you weren’t born the day we went to the court house…you weren’t even born when you dressed in your mom's clothes! You’re who you are…all of you…the one who never got to hold her son…the woman..yes, the woman who loved her wife ….and… the.. The woman I love so much.”

Dani buried her face in Donna’s neck as they both wept; finally, after so many years of frustration and sadness and fear and doubt…set free.

Jill lay on her bed and watched the sleeping couple lay quietly, holding one another. She tried to be quiet but soon her sobs were heard by the resting couple. Dani looked over at the girl and back at Donna, who smiled and nodded. She patted the bed and pointed. Soon all three slept peacefully for the first time in quite a while and the last time for a while as well.

For every little fault that you have
Say I've got three or four
The human little faults you do have
Just make me love you more

You may not be an angel
But still I'm sure you'll do
So until the day that one comes along
I'll string along with you

Next: Demons

I'll String Along With You
Words and Music by
Al Dubin and Harry Warren
as performed by Diana Krall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mAKNZtAyBA&feature=related