Defender's Dream Nightmares! by Andrea Lena DiMaggio   I used to walk between the shadows Lost in a world that moved too fast I was afraid I`d always be alone Then I saw your face at last

Previously

“You okay?” Dani knew better than to ask that question without being ready for an answer.

"I had a dream...that I could fly from the highest tree...I had a dream."

"Why didn't you stay?"

"Always the girl....what about me? Wasn't I important enough to save?" Donna felt the words pierce her heart once again. She stumbled and fell; her bound hands unable to keep her from hitting the ground hard...the impact broken only by her bare arms. She rolled over, in more pain than she had felt in two lifetimes as she screamed, no sound coming from her throat.....


"Honey...it's a dream....it's a dream."

Donna looked up to see Dani's face looking down with the same concern that each night brought; love that held and caressed and cradled. She began to weep...a routine almost as ingrained and scheduled as the morning paper hitting the front porch or the neighborhood dog barking at the same squirrel...morning after morning.

She shuddered and buried her face in Dani's breast as she cried. Dani stroked her hair, wet with the perspiration that only comes from the terror of facing fear head on and losing; night after night.

The Eagles Mere Inn in Williamsport the next morning

"And the festival will be celebrating the diversity of the city, rich with history. It ends on Sunday, but we'll have our cameras there all week. And Bret Michaels will be back in town to kick off the festival Tuesday afternoon. Dale?" The woman shuffled her papers and looked sad. The girl sitting on the bed turned up the volume to the TV set.

"And some sad news. Virgil Hughes, former Mechanicsburg police officer and currently a Captain in the Philadephia Police Department, was killed in a one-car accident outside York yesterday evening. Hughes was two months from retirement and had planned on resettling back home in York. He was 47 and leaves a widow and two children..." The channel quickly changed as the girl pointed the remote, shuffling through station after station.

"Breakfast!" Dani said just then as the doorway closed behind her. She put down the drink tray and bag from Dunkin' Donuts and smiled like a little girl.

"I love this show," she said as she opened the bag. She handed the girl a sandwich and a cup of coffee as Mark Dascasos bowed to Cat Cora and Soue Chef Darien Jaynes. Dani sat down and took a sip of her coffee just as Donna came back into the room; having to shower down the hall in the common bathroom. The girl turned and looked at Donna before remarking casually.

"You look like shit!" She smiled pleasantly before she caught Dani's glare. She shrugged her shoulders and held her hands up as if to say sorry before continuing.

"Well...you look like you just walked outta hell...my uncle used to say that...I never knew what that meant." Dani shook her head at the girl and half-frowned.

"I hope you never do, kid, really." The girl smiled at her and turned once again to face Donna, who was drying her hair with a too-small towel. Dani turned to her as well and raised her eyebrows as if to ask, "You okay?" Donna looked back and half-smiled, her expression the same as every other morning, which silently spoke,

"As good as I'm going to be...I'll be okay." Almost as much a part of morning obaltions as brushing her teeth or combing her hair. Dani reached over and grabbed the last coffee and sandwich and handed it to Donna just as Dacascos revealed the secret ingredient - Catfish. Donna started to laugh and the girl turned.

"What's so funny about Catfish?" Donna was sipping her coffee by then and Dani fielded the question.

"It fits since we've been swimming in shit since this whole thing started." She laughed softly. That laugh? Maybe the one thing that soothed Donna’s soul, like a riff from B.B. King or a run by Diana Krall or Groban’s tenor. She turned and snuck a look in the mirror over the dresser to catch her partner smiling at her. Dani noticed and stuck out her tongue before mouthing, "I still love you, you brat!"

I close my eyes and see tomorrow
My dreams begin and end with you
I hear you say you`ll be there
Always be there
I must believe it`s true

Route 78E outside of Hamburg, Pennsylvania

The Toyota Corolla breezed by exit after exit; Dani had no idea where to drive other than Donna’s occasional “nope, not here.” She had left everything but her purse in the police cruiser. The packet from Social Services was missing when she and Jill had gotten out to the car. Maybe Spinetti had brought the packet inside the house and it had gotten lost when the shooting started.

She tried to put together a tentative destination based on her vague memory of the map included with the packet; it had two red circles but she didn’t recognize any of the town names on 78 as they drove east; closer and closer to home and maybe jail or worse. She had no alibi other than a very nervous girl sleeping fitfully in the back sear of the car. The radio revealed what she had missed while taking her shower. With Hughes dead, she could only hope that someone at Social Services would straighten out the whole mess.

"Are you kidding me?"

Dani looked at Donna while trying to keep an eye on the road. Captain Hughes was her only connection to the case; everything was discussed with the office door closed. With Hughes dead, nobody knew the specifics of the assignment, and she just appeared to everyone as a cop gone bad. Even her Captain back at SVU had only communicated with Hughes, from what she gathered, so that was a dead end as well. She hoped desperately for Captain Shaunnessy's sake that whoever killed Hughes didn't consider her a threat as well. Dani shook her head and mock-pouted.

"I wouldn't count on Social Services if I were you....someone wants..." She paused and mouthed.

"Someone wants her dead," before continuing.

"Someone wants this case closed. If Hughes was killed...Him and Spinetti and that girl from Channel Six? Too much of a coincidence. I'd bet the farm that Social Services either has a mole or that information you got was prepared by someone who wanted to set you up." She muttered under her breath as a car cut them off. She shook her head and her hands tensed her grip on the wheel; she worried about the car until it sped off.

"We have nothing that links me to an actual case other than that I was supposed to interview Jill and her brother. Speaking of which," She used her head to indicate the girl in the back seat.

“Jill…Jill, honey…look at me,” Donna leaned over the seat and tapped the girl on the knee. Jill pulled back with a look that could only be described as horror mixed with surprise

“NOOoooo!” She shouted, almost in an ear-splitting scream. Dani was disracted enough to miss the next exit as she turned her head. The girl cowered in the seat against the door.

“Oh…shit.” Donna realized that she had just triggered a flashback with an innocent touch; innocent of course to her, but a sad and terrifying reminder of the past. The girl began to cry and she banged her head repeatedly against the seat back. Donna spoke firmly and just loud enough to interrupt the girl’s sobs.

“Jill, Jill…look at me…It’s safe…you’re here in the car with Paulette and me,” she said, remembering to use their adopted names.

“You’re in a car, Jill and you’re safe…Do you hear me?”

The girl looked at her and nodded before wiping her face with her sleeve. It was only then that Donna noticed the girl had a teddy bear in her lap.

"She must have had that in her backpack," Donna thought.

She brought the bear to her chest and cuddled it; smothering it almost while continuing to rock back and forth, her head-banging becoming less pronounced. She cooed in the teddy’s ear softly as her sobbing subsided. Donna made a mental note to ask the girl later in a more benign setting if she was aware of any more triggers so they could steer clear of that psychic minefield.

Lehigh Valley Mall, Allentown, Pennsylvania

After a quick potty stop and more coffee and food at McDonalds, they pulled the car into the mall in Allentown off of 22. Driving around back, they felt reasonably safe that they could rest for a while. It was almost noon, and the sun beat down on the windshield of the Toyota, reflecting a hot glare off the dashboard. Even with the windows down the car was steamy, even for a fairly brisk day in March. Dani put down the novel she was reading and nudged a barely-sleeping Donna. Her nightmares only happened at night, ironically, and she was at least able to get some reprieve, even if she still slept fitfully.

“Honey…You’re talking in your sleep.” She reminded her with a look of the eye toward the sleeping girl in the back seat as if to say, “She might get frightened.” Donna sat forward and set her seat upright.

“It’s just…I can’t get his face out of my mind. He smiled, Dani….like he knew he was going to die and it was okay.” She sniffled and blinked out tears as Dani reached over and touched her partner’s face.

“There was nothing you could have done…if you had stayed the girl might be dead…and you, too.” She bit her tongue, remembering back to a time in the recent past where she had almost lost Donna when her partner literally took a bullet for her from a murderer. Her own eyes began to mist up, but she quickly regained control. Time enough for sad memories after this nightmare was over; if It ever did end. She took her Diet Coke out of the cupholder and raised it.

“To Spinetti…a pain in the ass in life…but a hero in death. I didn’t know you, Detective, but I am so grateful you save my baby’s life.” She was about to add another toast when a voice came from the back seat.

“What the fuck…not Spinetti!” The girl’s voice was almost a soft sing-song, belying the shock on her face.

“Yes, honey…that was his name. I’m so sorry you had to see that.” Donna wondered if the girl would ever be able to function without sad and scary memories. Between the hell of the abuse she and her siblings underwent and then witnessing not only the death of Detective Spinetti but her foster mother as well. Donna's thoughts were quickly interrupted as the girl spoke again.

“His name was Spinetti?” She tilted her head and her eyes widened in surprise, but she didn’t seem sad or scared at all.” Donna looked at the girl and spoke.

“Yes…that’s his name...but you just said it yourself.” The girl looked at her as if she had two heads and said,

“No, not him…the other guy.” Donna looked again at the girl and failed to notice Dani’s eyes widen in a mixture of surprise and fear.

“Which other guy…we came alone…it was just him and me, honey. There was nobody else.” Donna shook her head as the girl’s expression became impatient.

“Not him, stupid the other guy…the guy who interviewed me the first time.” Her tone was rude, to be sure, but she was growing frustrated, unable to get Donna to understand what she was trying to say. Dani had figured it out…at least up to a certain point.

“There was another Detective named Spinetti that you talked to?” Dani smiled at the girl who smiled back warmly.

“See…she understands.” She paused for a moment in thought. Her face grew red and she bowed her head before saying,

“I’m sorry…you’re not stupid.” She tried to smile past her embarrassment and Donna helped with a smile back and,

“It’s okay Jill.” She turned to Dani and raised her eyebrows before Dani asked.

“Jill, look at me...this is important. What did this other Spinetti look like?” The girl thought for a moment and spoke.

“You know who Martin Scorcese is? Gangs of New York…that Lewis guy creeps me out. The Departed? Why did they have to kill Anthony Anderson…I hate when they do stuff like that. And DeCaprio is so pretty. I wish I had a boyfriend like him….You ever see The Island? He was really good in that but I don’t know why he made that movie…And then he got killed in the Departed of course. I cried when I saw that. Mom told me we couldn’t watch it but I watched it anyway.” Dani nearly shouted, not from impatience, but the girl would have kept going.

“You’re saying that the “other” Spinetti looked like Martin Scorcese?”

“Yeah, except he had red hair. Same eyebrows though.” Dani turned to Donna, fully expecting that both of them would have the same expression; horror and desparation. The girl had just given a fairly accurate description of newly-appointed Deputy Police Commisioner Patsy Spinetti.

Donna may not have said it, but she was thinking exactly same thing as Dani shook her head.

“Son of a fucking bitch!”

I found my way even in the dark
Though at times it seemed too far
Somehow I knew even at first sight
That love is anywhere you are
Love is where you are
Love is where you are

Next: Angels

Love is Where You Are
As performed by
Diana Krall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLEJAyYor9E