Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

November 15-21, 2015

November 15, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Billy was arrested for using drugs. This of course shocked the family. We all now had to cope with the fact that Billy was a drug addict. He was allowed home but had to appear at court in the future. The problem was that Billy was 19 and would be tried as an adult. He could be in jail for a long time! When Billy did come home, he went to his bedroom and shouted that he did not want to speak with anyone. A few hours, he shouted that he was not a drug addict.

Everyone in the choir knew. Besides Noah teasing me that my voice was not broken and my hair was in a ponytail. Now Noah teased that my family were convicts and drug addicts. He even joked that I was on drugs that were making me smaller and a girl. It was hard to concentrate on singing, as I wondered if it was right what mom said, that I was becoming smaller. What were the tablets I got every day and the injections from the doctor?

Father Immer told me that he had to speak with me after. He told me that he heard about Billy and wanted me to stay strong. I broke down into tears and told him everything was my fault. God made me a boy and I liked dressing as a girl and doing girl things. God must have hated me and blamed me for everything that happened in the family. Father Immer rubbed his chin and told me that God loves me. What Billy has done was his responsibility and not my fault. He agreed that I was very girly at times but reminded me the clothes that I wore did not define who I was. God was more interested in my heart and my personality.

At least he did not say I was going to hell. That afternoon I googled about drugs and being a drug addict and the consequences. I decided that it did not look like a good life and I would always say no to drugs.

November 16, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Today, we did not go to Bella's house after school. Mom said that we needed to have a family meeting.

She started by saying that the family was in a crisis. We all had problems and this had been causing chaos in the family. There was only one solution, and that was for the family to understand each other and support each other. She asked us to think that if there was no love, then what did we have?

Mom started with herself. She admitted that the problems she had with my aunt were consuming her. She did not understand why her sister would try and kill her. Mom also agreed that she has not been the best mother. She was passive at times and very unsure what to do. Mom's confession bought tears to all of us. We told her that we loved her.

Then mom told us all to think about Sarah. She was only 10 years old and she had to deal with family members that had several problems. This could not be easy for a young girl. Mom reminded us that Sarah needed to know that we loved her and had time for her, despite the problems that we had. She promised Sarah that she would do her part by having special mother and daughter days.

Then mom looked at Billy and informed us that Billy was just like Sarah. He was now 19 and this was a hard time for him. Mom had a long talk with Billy and they agreed he would get help to keep away from drugs. Mom did not believe he was an addict, as he only tried them once. She explained that Billy thought that all the attention was about me and he had no one to go to about his problems. I felt sorry for Billy.

I gulped when mom said it was my turn. She told me that she did not care if I was a boy or sissy or transgendered. She reminded me that I will always feel loved and safe at home. She was worried that I would be teased by the school. However, the world does not revolve around me. I had to understand that others had problems. I needed to find my identity and be happy!

Then she looked at Dad and told him to stop being so old-fashioned and childish. She told him that we need a father, not someone who ignores us or gets mad all the time. She warned dad to accept our good sides and bad sides.

I was quite proud of mom and surprised. Does all this mean there is now peace?

November 18, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I am so tired of having pains every morning and hearing these voices tell me it is ok to be a girl. I would not complain today. I was doing my best at not being the centre of attention. I did not want to be the reason why this family was breaking up.

I was dressed as a boy when I was at home. The clothes mum bought looked like they were meant for a boy much younger. When I told her I was teased because of this, she said it was because they were jealous. The best time of the day was when Bellas grandmother took care of us after school. I would then dress up as a girl and this made me feel so happy. It was at these times that I felt like I was the true me. Besides that, I looked pretty.

When I got home, there was a letter from Alberto. He was the boy that I met in Greece. He wrote telling me to be brave concerning my identity. He also said it was bad if I pretended that I was something that I was not. He saw the model pictures of me in Greece. He thought that I had a lot of talent. I was surprised that people in Greece could see me.

Dad came in and said that tomorrow he will be home early and we could spend time together. I do not know if this was good news or bad news.

November 18, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Mom was in a strange mood today. She was told that Aunty was being released from jail and would not be prosecuted. This was also because mom refused to testify against her sister. This did not stop mom from being upset. She kept asking herself what she should now do.

Dad suddenly was interested in me again. It must have been mums warning. He decided that we should do a mans thing and that was bowling. I will admit right here and now that I was no good at bowling. Dad was close to an expert at it and tried to give me a lot of advice. I thought it was fun until Dad kept on getting mad at me for not being good enough. He did not even think I was trying.

On the way home, he talked about when he was a boy, they all teased a sissy. He did not expect that his son would be like the boy from his childhood. Dad admitted that he thought it was ok for Sarah to dress as a boy. Dad could not accept if a boy dressed as a girl. Dad admitted that it was hard for him to accept this side of me. It was easier to accept that Billy tried drugs. It was difficult for him to accept that we were so different. Dad finished by saying that maybe a haircut would help.

That night in bed, I thought that Dad could be trying his best. Maybe I should cut my hair.

November 19, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

On the way to school, I saw Mr Lewis said hello to me. He was my agent. He thought I could be famous. Mr Lewis joked and asked why I was not growing. He thought that I looked smaller. I told him that Dad suggested that I cut my hair and I would probably agree to do it. Mr Lewis stopped smiling.

I was with Andrew and Bella at school. When school was over, I noticed that Andrew left a book. I picked it up so I could give it to Andrew. I noticed a heart with the letters “A loves A” on it. Did this mean Andrew loves Allie? Who did Andrew love? It could also be Annie. I could hear my heart racing fast. I did not know what to do. I decided not to ask Andrew, as I would not like the answer.

After school, Sarah and I were at Bella's grandmother. I dressed in an old petticoat dress. I felt like a princess! Bella could see that there was something wrong with me. I did not want to tell her about Andrews book. I just changed the subject.

Mom came early and didn't say a word when she saw me in a dress.

November 20, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I didn't sleep well. Mom did not say a word about finding me in a dress. The school was the same as usual. I didn't say a word to Andrew about the love message in his book.

When I came home, Mom said that we should walk. She hugged me and told me that she noticed I was trying not to be noticed. There was no talk about being a sissy and I even agreed to cut my hair. Now she knew that I was dressing up as a girl at Bella's grandmother. Mom told me that she supported me, and thought it was a good idea. She would say nothing to dad.

November 21, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today something excellent has happened. Mr Lewis came over and told us he had good news. There is a series being made for Netflix. They had a boy already set up for the main role, but he has pulled out of the project. The series was about a boy from space that tried to live on Earth. Then Mr Lewis said it would be dumb to cut my hair, as it could help me be remembered.

Dad sighed and said it least it could be trimmed.

To be continued