Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

October 25-31, 2015

October 25, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

This would be a good week. We had a midterm break and that meant no school. I also now knew my true identity.

I slept well after opening my heart to everyone last night. I think everyone was in shock, which was a surprise, as I do not know how they could be shocked. It's not like that every time someone thought of me in the past, that they thought if I was transgendered or not. Everyone seemed to have their own conclusion. I felt at peace that I made my own conclusion.

I should have suspected that things would not go my way. The usual chaos that we had every Sunday morning did not happen. Billy was not hogging the bathroom and it seemed that no one was up. It was quite strange that I did not have to use the toilet in the back yard as a toilet because my family was in a panic to be ready for Church. Dad told me that he would be driving me to Choir. The family had other things to do.

Noah laughed at me when he saw me at choir. He asked why I was wearing jeans with flowers and a girls jumper. I looked at him and asked what is the law that only girls can wear clothes like this. The boys started teasing until Father Immer came and said its time for mass. Noah did not stop his harassment. He whispered things during mass. I was becoming more and more agitated. When he whispered that I was a sissy for the hundredth time, I lost control. I shouted in a loud voice, “ I admit that I am a sissy”.

The church went silent after they heard this.

After Church, I stood outside as people gave me strange looks. Bella gave me a hug and her Granny said that she admired my courage. Even Annie came up to me and gave me the second hug she ever gave me. She did not say anything else and went back to her family. These were nice people. Everyone else gave me a look as if I had some disease.

In the end, I was left there by myself. I was waiting for Dad to come and drive me home. I sat on a wet bench in the cold rain. I started to think of what Jesus thought of sissies. I started to think of the teasing I would get when I was at school. I was wondering why Annie ignored me until now. Why was she suddenly interested in me? Why did my life have to be so complicated? Why could I not be normal?

An hour after Dad was supposed to come, he finally showed up. He did not say anything in the car. The same happened at home. Everyone was silent. I spent most of the day on my bed with Rosie, the porcelain doll.

October 26, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I was woken up today by my mom that said the police wanted to speak with me. I started to have an anxiety attack because I thought they wanted to speak about the mobile phone. I gathered what courage I could and went down to the officers. They asked a lot of questions about my aunt that was in jail accused of trying to murder my mom. I felt a bit awkward that the police was asking me all this. She was my aunt. She was family. I told the police what I knew. I knew nothing about any attempt to kill my mother. I could not understand why any sister would try to kill another sister. The only thing my aunt did was to start confusing me saying that I should have been born a girl. I was happy when the police were finished questioning me. It was funny is that they thought that they were going to question a boy. They did not expect to find a girl. Dad was so quiet.

When the police went, Dad lost his patience. He told mom that the next day she was to buy new boys clothes. He refused to believe that his son wanted to wear girl clothes. He gave his lecture on how immoral it was. It was not normal for a boy to want to wear a dress! Dad was very serious when he said this and warned mom that there was no discussion.

Dad didn't care if I was in tears. He didn't care if Sarah was in tears. He didn't care if mom wanted to discuss it. In fact, he felt proud that he put his foot down.

On top of this he said that as a teacher, he heard that Bella was transgendered and Andrew was gay. According to him, they were a bad influence. He told me that I was not to hang around with them anymore or be friends with them.

I went up to my room thinking that my life was over. I fell asleep crying.

October 27, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I woke up with more pains and voices saying that it was OK to like being girly. After Dads laying down the law before, I tried thinking that he was right. No other boy in school was a sissy. It was not normal. I was refusing to be the boy that God wanted me to be.

I tried thinking these things and tried to understand Dad, The thing was that he was wrong! Traditions and customs have dictated that boys and girls should be treated differently. It was a weakness if a boy acted or dressed like a girl. It was a sin if this happened. I did not believe this. I did not choose to be a sissy. It is simply the way I am. If I am not allowed to be who I think I am, it is not respecting me. It's not as if I don't hurt anyone. When I am dressed as a girl and doing girl things, I feel complete and happy. Did Dad care if I was happy?

Mom and I went shopping for boys clothes. It felt like a chore that I had to do and hated. Mom was also quiet. To make it worse, when the salesperson measured me, Mom said it was true. I was not growing. In fact, I was smaller. This was reflected in the clothes that mom bought. They were not for a 13-year-old. I looked like a small boy.

On the way home, Mom told me to cheer up. I said that I hated Dad, Mom did not respond.

October 28, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

My girl clothes were taken away today. Dad also wanted to take Rosie, the doll that Sarah gave me. However, I screamed at the top of my voice that he will never get permission to take her. I would fight to the bitter end. I made a promise to Sarah that I would take care of the doll. Dad surrendered by saying I was as dramatic as a drag queen.

Annie came by to visit me which was such a surprise. She did not stay long when she saw that I was dressed like any other boy. When she went, Sarah reminded me that Annie ignored me for years and never was interested in me. Why was she suddenly interested in me?

I stayed in my room all day as I did not want to see Dad. Billy visited me and said it was time for a serious brother talk. In fact, he did not know what to say. He thought all transgenders and sissys were gay, and yet he knew that I loved Annie. He could not figure this out. Billy then went on how things changed in the family. We were once a happy normal family. Since I started to question my identity, the family has become a mess. He reminded me that everything was about me now. Mom and Dad did not even care about the problems that Billy had, because they were too occupied with me.

Billy thought everything was our aunt's fault. I started to wet the bed when she was in the house, and she tried to convince me that I was a girl in the wrong body. Billy did not think that forgetting my suitcase was a mistake. Our aunt wanted me to be a girl. On top of everything, he did not trust the doctor I went to. Billy asked me if I was stupid enough not to ask myself why she wanted me to listen to the music, what were the shots and what was the pill I took every day. He asked me if I really wanted to be a sissy or was I being conditioned?

At any case, he asked me to remember that Sarah and he were also members of the family

October 29, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

I thought of what Billy said when Mom gave me the tablet. What was it for?

Today we did the photo session with Mr Lewis. Dad came to make sure it was properly done. This made things less fun as I didn't want to be around him.

The clothes were skater clothes for boys. Mr Lewis said that I had perfect Skaterboy hair. I will admit that for the first time in days I smiled. The photoshoot was an escape. I didn't feel bad in boy clothes, as I was pretending to be someone else. The clothes were also cool. It was like all my worries disappeared when I was pretending to be someone normal.

Mr Lewis thought I did great. Dad said nothing.

October 30, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Back to normal on the worse mid-term holiday ever. Once again I stayed in my bedroom. Mom came several times to see how I was and so did Sarah. We had some fun drawing and colouring. Sarah gave me a hug several times to give me some sympathy. She is the best sister that I could have.

I was walking downstairs to say goodnight to everyone when I heard mom ask Dad did he want me to hate him. There was some silence and Dad answered that he was so ashamed of me and humiliated. He reminded mom that he was a teacher at my school and had to hear everything.

I walked back upstairs with tears in my eyes.

October 31, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Bella, Andrew and me met secretly in the park today. They both wanted to know why it was a secret. I told them everything that happened this week. I also said that Dad heard that Bella is transgender and Andrew is gay and this makes them a bad influence on me, so I was not allowed to be their friend.

Andrew protested saying I was old enough to decide my own friends.

Bella whimpered that she was not transgendered

I asked what I should do?

To be continued

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