Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

August 16-22, 2015

August 16, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

The greek holiday was finished. It was great to see mom again. However, there was a lot of confusion when Mom and dad saw me. They did not expect their teenaged son to be wearing a dress and tights, with pigtails! Aunty tried explaining the situation we were in. They were the only clothes I could wear.

The humiliation did not stop there. Aunty told Mom and Dad that I had to wear diapers because I wet the bed. She told them that we visited a psychiatrist where she said I had a gender identity problem. All this was too much information for my parents. Mom said that she needed to rest and Dad just sighed when he looked at me.

Today when I woke up, I went to my dresser and put on jeans and a t-shirt. I was back in my old clothes. They did feel strange on me, and I felt like I was wearing someone else's clothes. Sarah looked sad at me and Aunty frowned.

Choir went ok. The boys started talking about some voices that were broken. I knew that when I became a teenager, my voice would get deep. This did not happen yet. The other boys then picked on me and told me that I would have to grow first. One boy said my long hair made him think if I was a girl. One boy even said I was so small, it would not surprise him if I still wore diapers.

I was happy to be home. I spent all afternoon with my mother. We did not do much except sit and were together. Sometimes being with someone in quietness is enough. When Dad was there, I told them that it was wrong that I let aunty dress me up as a girl. I admitted that I was confused.

Dad accepted my apology while mom said she read that teenagers had to find out who they were. She asked me did I feel comfortable being a girl. I looked at her and said I was a boy! Dad smiled and teased by saying a “diaper boy”

August 17, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I fell out of bed today. I still wet the bed every night. I was used to the diapers now and did not try and think too much about them. I tried not to think that it was something a baby had to do. I know I will get better sometime.

Aunty must have been in a bad mood or disappointed that I wore boy's clothes yesterday. When I got up, she had girl clothes put at the bottom of my bed. It was a skirt and a glitter tank top. I think she expected me to wear them. My aunt probably thought that I was such a sissy, that I missed wearing girl clothes and would love the chance to wear them again.

I tried 14 days as a girl in Greece, and I am still unsure about how I felt about it. I ignored the clothes on the bed and wore my old boy's clothes again.

Otherwise today I helped take care of mom. I asked her could I see the new Disney film that was coming out this week. Mom said that she could not take me. When I asked Dad, he told me that a lot was happening. He had no time to take me to see any movie. This now became a mission for me. I wanted to see the movie.

August 18, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

When I came down to visit mom today, I could see that she had her parenting books all around her. This made me want to sigh and hide.

Mom explained that she had a long talk with my aunt and she now needed to read a lot to understand how I felt and what I needed.

She started by saying that she knew that I started wetting the bed and it was wise that I wore diapers to bed. She had to read a lot about it and was surprised at how common it was. She found out that 2-3% of boys my age wet the bed.

“Do not be ashamed about it.” She said, “You do not have any day accidents. We must look at the positive side. The other thing your aunt said is that a psychiatrist thinks you consider yourself a girl. You think that God has made a mistake. You felt more yourself and at ease when you were a girl in Greece. This is also getting common. More and more children consider themselves transgenders. I am confused as to why you have your boy clothes on.”

I tried telling mom that I was a boy. However, she said that a psychiatrist cannot be wrong. I was holding on to my identity as a boy because I was afraid of what would happen.

Why can't everyone just forget Greece and what the psychiatrist said?

August 19, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I had a lot of thinking to do. My life was now in a mess and I wanted it back to the way it was. I sat under a large tree in the corner of the garden and figured I needed to think.

Aunty and my sister thought I was a sissy and mom was slowly getting on their side. Dad thought the idea was disgusting and Billy thought I was a wimp. The fact is that I did dress up as a girl in Greece. I did like the different attention and I did like when people thought I was pretty. The fact was that I knew I looked like a girl. Even when I was dressed as a boy. I looked like a tomboy.

Then the psychiatrist said I wanted to be a toddler again. This was hard to understand as I really looked forward to being a teenager. Still, I wet the bed and wore diapers. I even fell out of bed sometimes and used a crib in Greece. I always have a pacifier in my pocket. Is all this because I feel safer when I was acting like a toddler?

Now I had to think of the reality. I am a boy with a boy's body. I am a teenager. I am in love with Annie. On top of this, I knew that I would be bullied and teased non-stop. My classmates would not accept if I started to wear the girl's uniform. I would be an outcast and people would think that I am weird.

I remember my plan as a teenager was to be cool and to get Annie to love me. I have to get back to my plan and be as cool as I could. I had to show my aunt and everyone who agreed with her that I am a boy

Project Cool Allie is back in motion!

August 20, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

When I came down for breakfast Dad and mom and Aunty were arguing. I was starting to think if Aunty was starting to live here. She was never here so much until she became obsessed with me.

Dad shouted no. Then the women were saying that he needed to support me. Dad shouted at the top of his voice that I was not wearing a girl's uniform to school. The women continued to tell Dad on why he should let me. No one considered that they should ask me what I thought

It didn't matter. The doorbell rang and it was the police. They asked mom if she had any enemies. This was strange and everyone went quiet. The police explained that the accident mom was in was no accident. Someone tampered with the car and wanted to hurt my mother!

I doubt I will sleep tonight. Someone wants to kill my mother.

August 21, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I didn't sleep that well last night. In fact, I fell out of bed.

Nothing much happened today. I tried to speak with Sarah so she would help me persuade mom or dad to take us to the new Disney movie. Sarah just looked at me and did not respond. This made me sad. I mean we were so close when we were in Greece and now it was as if she was ignoring me.

August 22, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Mom was up today and walking around. This made me so happy. It means that things are getting back to normal. Mom even told aunty that she did not need her anymore. This upset Aunty and was quite defiant when she said she was still needed here.

I agreed with mon. I would even help aunty pack!

There was a lot of commotion outside. I ran to the door and could see that Sarah was so excited. She told us that a new family was moving in.

Then I saw her. A girl my age was moving in with an old woman. The girl was like a goddess. I had to remind myself to breathe as I looked at her. I didn't want her to look at me as I probably looked like a lovesick puppy.

The question now is who do I love more, Annie or this new girl?

To be continued