"Aaaarrgh!"
"Stella, those were my ear drums you just shattered."
"This isn't the way to Tom's, this is the hos.... I am not going into a hospital."
"Unless you really want to see what street fighting is all about, you'd better do as you are told."
Easy As Falling Off A Bike
by Angharad
part 209.
"You mean to tell me, you went at that gorilla without any practised moves?"
"Yeah, why?"
"So how do you know they're going to work?"
"You don't, but neither do you when you practice them. If they always did, you'd have taken out both of them and I could have stood there swooning at my hero." I batted my eyelids.
She punched me on the arm.
"Bloody hell Stella, that hurt."
"I don't believe you."
"What don't you believe?"
"That you don't do any training for martial arts."
"I ride a bike when I can. I don't like hitting people. It's about head stuff. You learn how to make the best of any situation. It's about belief, self belief."
"So did you believe you were going to take out that bloke?"
"I dunno, I didn't stop to analyse it."
"You are bullshitting me, aren't you?"
"What about?"
"Bristol Street Fighting."
"Took you long enough to work that out."
"So what was all that then?"
"All what?"
"Cathy, stop answering questions with a question."
"Why?"
"Aaaarrgh!"
"Stella, those were my ear drums you just shattered."
"This isn't the way to Tom's, this is the hos.... I am not going into a hospital."
"Unless you really want to see what street fighting is all about, you'd better do as you are told."
Stella looked startled as I spoke with deliberate menace.
"You have only recently come out of an emergency situation, you took a blow to the guts, I want to make sure it's okay."
She opened her mouth to speak.
"No it was MI5 who trained me, along with a whole pile of dolphins who can neutralise bombs, tap telephone lines, open tins of tuna and do the Times crossword."
I saw her visualising each of the stupid scenarios I had just described. "That is ridiculous."
"What is?"
"Dolphins being able to write the answers in the Times crossword."
"They have a special waterproof copy, or do it on line."
"Oh, that's different." She kept a straight face until we got out of the car then she nearly fell over giggling. Her tummy was hurting as she laughed, so I felt vindicated in bringing her to the hospital.
We sat around for three hours while we waited for different people or tests to be carried out. I sat around for three hours, Stella was whisked off every so often. They all knew her by name of course, so I hate to think how long it would have taken if we were just ordinary punters.
I found a copy of a sunday supplement which mentioned our mapping project and why we needed to do it as thoroughly as possible. However, my reading was disturbed by some kid standing to the side of me and staring at me.
It is unnerving to have someone stare at you. It is doubly so when it's a kid, they don't filter what they say. They just say it, usually very loudly. Did she realise my original gender?
I could feel my blood pressure rising as I pretended not to notice her. My heart was thumping. Was she going to say anything? Could I slide across and strangle her without anyone noticing? Nah, they have CCTV.
I read the same paragraph for the ninth time, her eyes were still boring into me. Was she one of these autistic kids who stare at things for hours?
"Mummmmmmmmmmy, dat wady has dirty mark on her face, her jacket has a hole in it. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"
"I don't know darling, perhaps she fell over, come along and stop bothering her."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she squealed so loudly I wondered if the fire alarm was going to come on.
"Come along Jemima, do as Mummy tells you."
"Nooooooooooooooooo," she squealed, at only ten thousand decibels, as her mother eventually grabbed her and dragged her away.
"Sorry about that," she said as she grabbed the noisy brat.
However, Jemima had other ideas and held onto my chair, which in turn was fixed to the floor, presumably to stop drunks throwing them at each other. She also seemed to have more hands and arms than normal children, because each time one was prised off, it's neighbour grabbed hold. All of this was accompanied by her mother remonstrating with her and her squealing like an enraged fire engine.
A nurse and one of the admin staff came to help shut her up, she was waking up patients in the mortuary.
The kid was like superglue, she held on and held on. Finally they shifted her and I breathed a sigh of relief. A second later the sound of small hoof beats was accompanied by something jumping onto my lap, which then clung to me.
"Jemima, please come with Mummy and leave this lady alone."
"Noooooooooooooooooo!" she shook her head and damaged my remaining auditory nerves. "Stay wiv wady."
"I'm sorry about this." The mother tried to separate her from me, but Jemima was having none of it.
"Why me?" I said silently to myself.
"Why you gotted dirty mark on you face?" she said looking at the side of my face.
"I fell over and my head touched the ground," courtesy of some gorilla who has an even bigger headache. I smiled as I thought that.
"You need wash."
"Yes Jemima, I probably do." I could see her mother standing and shaking her head as she wondered what to do next.
"Shall we go to the toilets and wash it off?" I asked her.
"Yes, Jemima wash it doff for you." She jumped down off me and grabbed my hand. Then we went to the toilets and I knelt down while she wiped a wet paper towel over the mark on my face. Fortunately, it didn't hurt so I probably did it with a dirty hand rather than bashing it. Once she'd wiped it off, she dried it with another paper towel.
Her mother stood and watched from the doorway. I don't know what she thought. Finally Jemima was finished and she took my hand and led me out.
"I'm sorry about this erm.. I'm Janice Scott."
I was just about to say my name when the tannoy announced, "Would Lady Catherine please come to reception."
"Sorry, that's probably me." I excused myself as the woman's mouth gaped wide open, and I deftly transferred her troublesome child to her rightful carer.
"We're sending her up to gynae for the night, we think she's okay but just in case."
"Can I pop up and see her?"
"The way she was swearing at you, I'd let her calm down a bit first."
"That's Stella."
"Yeah, I knew her when she was a ward sister. Don't go there," she said winking as I was about to ask.
"I'll come back tonight."
"Yeah, might be safer."
I went off to the police station and gave a statement. I explained why Stella couldn't and they asked if she could as soon as possible. Life was not getting any simpler.
"What happened to the woman those gorillas had?"
"She's at a detention centre while immigration sort out if she's legal or not. If not they send her back."
"I hope someone notifies her family."
"If she gives them her name."
"Why shouldn't she?"
"If you were forced into prostitution would you be happy to talk to anyone in authority?"
"Well the police would be alright."
"Would they? Who knows what they told her and she believes. Some Russian cops are as bent as a four pound note. She might think the same about us."
"Surely not!" I sounded indignant even to myself.
"Lady Catherine, you're lovely woman but you are so innocent. If it had gone wrong out there, you could have ended up dead or in the same boat as the woman you rescued."
"What!" I gasped.
"So in future, leave the crime busting to the police."
I left feeling about two inches tall.
Comments
Another fantastic episode.
Another fantastic episode. Where on earth did that bizarre child come from?
Children and sweet and unpredictable
Sure, she was bizarre but she was sweet too. She was concerned about Cathy and wanted to help. Just didn't quite know how to go about it.
Still wondering when the dynamic duo goes in to rescue the russian woman.
Woody
I wanna see...
... those dolphins do the puzzle!!!
I wonder if Cathy will EVER listen to folks that tell her to let the police do the policing... Hmmm. MAYBE, if they start being there when she needs them to be there.
I'd love to hear about Cathy's reunion with Stella... And what Stella's family has to say.
I wanna see... ... those
Dolphins? What dolphins? I'm sorry but you don't have a high enough security clearance to see them....
lol
Re: I wanna see... ... those
Hey, don't forget that those dolphins also open tins of tuna! Preferably those are tins of dolphin-friendly tuna! ;-)
Jenny
I Guess That Lady Catherine Cameron Needs To Learn
That she should not take on any gorillas. But if she hadn't acted, Stella would have been sorely hurt. Personally, Cathy is a bit like Mad Marcie in that BOTH seem to get into misadventures without thinking things through and THAT is a part of the charm of both ladies.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Dunno about Bristol Street Fighters but ...
... there used to be a Bristol Street Motors in Derby once upon a time. Perhaps they've gone the way of BMC and Rover into the never land of British motoring history.
The only thing that doesn't ring true to me in this series (haha!) is the continuing reference to our Cathy as 'Lady Catherine' when she isn't ... yet, at least. I don't think this would happen in so-called 'real life'.
EAFOAB is the perfect example of what might happen when a mad woman is let loose with a word processor and access to the internet- mayhem! Entertaining mayhem, granted, but mayhem never the less. I'm giving up on the 'Archers' and concentrating on Angharad's insanity :)
thanks
Geoff
Don't give up on the Archers....
... just persuade Angharad to help out with the scripts. Eddie Grundy would never be the same again!
Audrey.
Eddie?
Shirley that would be EDWINA?
"Oooh-arrrr. This season, I are mostly wearing D&G..."
Sorry, pinching a bit from the Fast Show is probably frowned upon, but the dolphins did read it first and decided they wouldn't mind.
Bloody excellent Ang.
NB
Cathy and Stella should just
Cathy and Stella should just put on their superheroine uniforms and leave them on. They are too much fun together. J-Lynn
A wonderful episode!
This shows that even if you are her friend, she will still do whats best for you, even if you don't like it. Just more of her compassion :)
Great spot of writing there :)
Hugs
Diana
About the ending of this instalment
Ooooh! I *love* the way this one ended!
I also liked Jemima. I've known kids like that but most kids aren't mean just determined to assert their independence which isn't always convenient for the parents. (Been there; done that!)
Jenny Grier (Mrs.)
x
Yours from the Great White North,
Jenny Grier (Mrs.)
The Plod...
...should count themselves lucky that Cathy seems a bit bashful and reserved around them. Otherwise, I can picture her tearing them a new a___hole on the subject of their general efficiency. "Leave the policing to you? I'd be only too happy to. By the way, how long did you say those warrants were outstanding on those two creampuffs Lady Stella and I had no difficulty at all subduing?"
o it is a lovely
chapter i can not wait to find out how stella get back at cathy. what will happen next i can not wait to find out
I hope we shall see…
…some more of Jemima: she seems like a character who ought to be developed, and I bet she'd love Spike. But I doubt whether Spike would love Jemima—she would probably disappear down Cathy's cleavage again and I can just hear the delighted giggles from Little Jem. (I bet you never knew a lettuce could giggle, didjer?)
Hugs
Gabi
Gabi.
Wonder kid
If the girl really was waking up patients in the mortuary, I'd figure the hospital would want her to sign on for exclusive services in a hearthbeat. Also, 10000 decibels sounds like a military strength accoustic weapon. Since noise levels above 90 are considered harmfull, I guess 10k would be pretty much lethal.
Hugs,
Kimby
Hugs,
Kimby
Well,
She wants kids. She needs to get a taste of what they can be like.
I suspect the two gorillas are going to be in jail for a while, especially given whom they attacked.
What's the attraction with kids?
There's a song, Don't tug on Superman's (Superwoman) cape. Cathy is amazing !!
Simon better watch his P's and Q's , or is he going to get it when they're married
Great, great ,keep it up ! Agn
Cefin