Easy As Falling On A Bike.
by: The Angbonz consortium
part: 300-4.

I stormed into the house in an almost blind fury, slamming the door behind me. A moment later the door bell rang, if it was that woman, I was going to slap her one!

I opened the door and Simon stood there bemused holding his nose. I burst into tears and jumped on him to apologise, knocking his glass of wine all over his shirt. It obviously wasn't my day.

The door began to slam shut and I just managed to get my foot to it, my keys were on the hall table. It would have been a locksmith job as I'd got the spare back from that woman.

I led Simon into the house, took the glass from his hand, then stripped off his jacket and shirt, dropped the shirt in a bucket of cool soapy water, ran upstairs for a spare shirt, with a flannel and towel. I washed him, dried him and pulled his shirt on him, whilst he stood like a mannequin. To think I missed out on Barbie and Sindy.

After he was dressed, I led him to the kitchen, sat him down and poured him a glass of Dad's whisky. He took a sip of it, coughed twice and smiled.

I kissed him gently on the tip of his nose and asked him if it hurt.

"No the kiss didin't hurt, but that bloody door did."

"I am so sorry my darling, I was so angry that I forgot about everything except escaping that evil woman."

"What did she do to deserve such a powerful epithet?"

"Pity it wasn't an epitaph!" I said back angrily.

"Look babes, it wasn't me who upset you and as I wasn't party to it, I'd like to learn the whys and wherefores."

"She accused me of not being a proper woman." I said and began to cry. "Do you think I'm not a proper woman?"

"Babes," he said cuddling me, "if I didn't think you were perfect, would I be wanting to marry you?"

"I don't know, I don't know anything any more."

"How did the conversation come up, you were only out with her two minutes?"

"She asked me if you were gay."

"That was nice of her, the bitch!"

"When I first met her she thought Dad had a son, so the story came out."

"Ah, I see. So she didn't know about the surgery?"

"I don't know. Maybe I over reacted."

"Why what happened?"

"I told her that I could give her husband a better shag than she could."

Simon appeared to blush for a moment. "Was that wise?"

"I wanted her to know I could, that I wasn't just role playing as a woman, that I was one in most functioning elements. She got very cross."

"I'm not entirely surprised."

"She started it."

"Okay, okay, I wasn't siding with her just seeing how your response upped the ante."

"Yeah, I suppose so. In which case the next exchange was even worse."

"What than being a better lover?"

"I wish I'd put it like that." I sighed and Simon shrugged.

"How did you put it?"

"Well she told me the possession of a vagina didn't make me female. And I responded, "So I see." Did I do wrong?"

"Not exactly, but it wasn't a behaviour likely to win friends."

"I suppose not."

"However, Stella would have been well pleased with such a short, sharp riposte."

"Wow the Queen of the put down! Do you think so?"

"Unlike Stella, I don't say things for effect alone, so if I said it, I meant it."

I sat on his lap cuddling with him, "I love you Simon Cameron," I said and leant over to kiss him as he picked up his Scotch. This time I left him to change his own clothes while I hid in the bedroom.

After the dinner I made, we watched some telly together, although 'watched' would have to have a qualified meaning, because I don't think either of us really watched it, just followed the noise and the pictures.

When we went to bed, I avoided giving him any encouragement to think about a certain three letter word. I mean, I told him we should be able to have a cat.

His response was quite funny, "Does that mean the next time you say you're about to have kittens, I get the pick of the litter?"

Well I thought it was funny for Simon.