Easy As Walling Up A Dyke.
by: bonzi and angharad (still coughing)
part: 300-1.

I was pleased that Margaret and I had settled our differences and I explained to Simon as he drove us in the 'loan' car towards the chip shop. If I'd got things wrong we could have a long wait, but I assumed that Melvin would need to go in an hour or so before the shop opened to help get enough food ready to be able to open.

The car we'd been loaned was a Fiat Uno and I didn't like it, neither did Simon, but it was better than walking. He took a newspaper with him and so I got the job of watching for Melvin. Talk about boring, it was beyond belief, making the observation of paint drying, quite exciting by comparison.

We sat there for twenty minutes, during which time, two people passed us. I wondered how passing trade would impact such a business, not very much it seemed. I was so deep in this thought that I nearly missed Melvin walking up towards the shop, it was Simon who spotted him.

As he drew level with the car, I jumped out and accosted him - well it was better than saying I solicited him, that would make me a solicitor!

"Melvin, could I have a word?" I said which distracted him enough for Simon to cut off any retreat.

"Marion, I mean Char..Cathy!"

I moved him closer to the car. "You didn't perchance tell Bennett where I lived did you?"

"What Gordon?"

"You know any others, not including the family in Pride and Prejudice?"

"Nah, not really."

"So did you tell him?"

"I mighta done, why?"

"Did he ask what sort of car I drove?"

"I can't remember, why?"

"Did you speak with him after the meeting in the pub?"

"What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?" he asked loudly.

I gave Simon a 'Stella' glance and he didn't go straight into the Monty Python sketch. I was amazed, it proved he was capable of learning new behaviours, so why was it so difficult to get him to pick up his dirty underpants from the bathroom floor?

"Just answer the questions sunshine," I said in a Michael Caine parody, which of course he missed, not a lot of people know dat.

"Yeah, he called me that night after I got off work saying how amazing you looked and so on."

"And?"

"He asked me what you were doing so I told him, then he asked where you were living, well I said in Portsmuff, an' he said, 'What are they commuting?' or something similar. I said, 'No, and told 'im where you lived.' Did I do somethin' wrong?"

"Somebody did about a grand's worth of damage to my car."

"Oh shit!"

"We have a witness who saw im in the area, I just wanted to make sure it was him."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know yet."

"You gonna tell the police?"

"I might, but then again I might just cripple him. Or I could get Simon to make one phone call and tomorrow he wouldn't exist."

"What? I thought you were a lady?"

"I am, which is why he isn't dead already."

"Jeez Cha... I mean Cathy, I didn't think you were a bearer of grudges."

"You didn't see what he wrote on the car, or actually scratched."

"Oh shit!"

"No Melvin, it wasn't that. He seemed to think that I may be homosexual and used the vernacular for that. Obviously, I am not lesbian, so he got that wrong as well."

"I think he might have meant that, 'cos you are engaged to Simon."

"Good lord, do you think so?" I was getting so good at lying, I could even feign surprise.

"Yes you silly bugger."

I gave him an old fashioned look, "That is one thing you cannot accuse me of." He looked puzzled. "I don't have the necessary equipment."

The penny dropped. He laughed, "That's very good, Char..Cathy."

"So where might we find your erstwhile friend?"

"Erm, dunno." It was obvious he was lying.

"Simon, could you please help Melvin remember?"

Simon who'd been silent so far, made himself look rather larger than usual and stepped towards Melvin. Amazingly, his amnesia passed very quickly.

"Give me your mobile, Melvin." I demanded.

He went to protest but handed it over.

"Save us two nice pieces of plaice, won't you? See you in about an hour. I'll give this back then. Don't try to call him on another phone or Simon might start breaking bits off you instead. Do you think Bennett will look good in dresses from now on?"

"I, erm, why?"

"Well because men's clothes will be so inappropriate after we finish with him."

"You're not going to hurt him, are you?"

"Only to an equivalent amount to the damage he did, about a thousand pounds, which I reckon both his testicles and the other dangly bit would cover."

"You wouldn't do that to him would you?"

"I won't, Simon will. Show him the cutter, Simon." Simon produced a farm implement from his pocket, or it looked like one. It was actually a can opener which I hadn't been able to work out how to use. Melvin went pale. "See you later Melvin, remember no phone calls unless you want your balls in batter frying with the sausage that hangs alongside them."

He shook his head so vigorously he made himself dizzy.

"We drew up outside Bennett's flat just in time to see him go sprinting down the street. We followed in the car, we didn't for long, he ran out in front of a passing taxi and got thrown up into the air, landing with a rather sickening crump. We left him there as a small crowd had gathered and drove back to the chippy.

Melvin tried to avoid eye contact as he saw me enter the shop. "Plaice and chips twice please, with a mushy peas and carton of beans."

He told me the price and I paid him, he'd obviously fried the fish because we didn't have to wait. As he handed them to me, I said, "We didn't actually see Bennett, he skeddadled and got himself run over."

"What?"

"Yeah, a taxi cab hit him, so we kinda thought someone must have called him."

"I..i...i..it wasn't meeee!" he said, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"I'm glad to hear it, Melvin. Oh here's your phone." I threw it to him and he dropped it into the fat fryer. "Oops!" I said for him.

After a little phoning around, I managed to find to which hospital, Bennett had been taken, Southmead of all places. So I sent him some flowers from the car resprayers, saying, 'Thanks for the business.'

The fish and chips were delicious again. Must go and see Melvin again before long. I wonder if his phone still works?