"I don't believe you," I heard her walk around the bed too quickly for me to be able to turn and face away from her. "You've been crying, what's wrong?"
"You know what's wrong," I sobbed at her.
"Well I might if you tell me."
"I'm not a real woman," I sobbed.
Easy As Falling Off To Sleep (and more interesting than this).
by wassername 'n her cat.
part: 17.8333' dozen.
"You quite like her don't you?" said Stella.
"What do you mean?"
"You've been looking out of that window quite wistfully since you spoke to her."
"I was wondering if it would stay light long enough for a bike ride," I lied.
"I don't believe you, you're looking as broody as an old hen."
"What do you mean?"
"You're thinking about children."
"Don't be ridiculous, I can't have children, besides I can't stand children." I turned and walked briskly out of the room, then ran upstairs to my bedroom and flung myself on the bed.
Stella was absolutely right, the bitch or should that be witch! Damn her, how can she read my mind like that? Then my irritation turned to sadness. I don't know what sort of father I'd have made, so what sort of mother is a non starter. No matter how clever the scientists and doctors get, I still won't be able to have kids, I don't have ovaries nor a womb. I can't even produce sperm anymore after taking hormones for so long.
I felt a tear form and run down my cheek, then one formed in the other eye and copied the process. Before long drip of scalding salt water were running down my face and I was howling.
Until recently, I was so involved or consumed by avoiding anyone guessing about me that I hadn't much thought about anything else. Now I had time to begin to plan beyond becoming as female as I could, and something important was lacking.
I began to question what I was? I patently wasn't much of a man, and it began to look as if I wouldn't make much of a woman either. I was so envious of Janice Scott having Jemima, and she had been envious of me because I was marrying a title. I felt so angry, she was so superficial, why should she have children and me not? Life was so unfair. I did the only thing any self respecting Victorian heroine would do, I howled some more.
"You alright?" asked Stella's voice.
I was too full up to say anything, but nodded, my back towards her.
"I don't believe you," I heard her walk around the bed too quickly for me to be able to turn and face away from her. "You've been crying, what's wrong?"
"You know what's wrong," I sobbed at her.
"Well I might if you tell me."
"I'm not a real woman," I sobbed.
"Oh, back to that are we. Why not this time?"
"You know why."
"Oh the kiddiwinks business?"
I nodded, feeling a fresh batch of tears run down my face.
"I don't have kids, so doesn't that make me less than a real woman?"
"Don't be silly," I sniffed, "you just choose not to have them." I felt myself blush very hard when I thought back to Stella's recent termination.
"Yes I suppose I did, how wise that was remains to be seen. Ironic I suppose, here you are wishing you could get pregnant and I killed a baby. Oh poor Cathy." She rubbed my back.
Maybe life was ironic, or even moronic. I knew that lots of real females couldn't conceive or carry a pregnancy for a multitude of reasons, so what did I have to complain about?
"You're entitled to do what you want with your body," I offered as non judgementally as I could. "After all, you're not telling me what to do with mine."
"You're merely correcting an oversight," she said to me.
"Perhaps you were too."
"Yeah, some oversight that was," she said bitterly, "stupidity, it's my middle name."
"That would make you SS Cameron, sounds like an old boat." I said and chuckled.
"Old boot," she laughed, "is more like it."
We sat together for a little while comforting the other, which was nice.
"You could always have some sperm frozen."
"What?"
"You know in a sperm bank, they freeze it and it could be used at a later date."
"What for?"
"Making babies."
"What?"
"In vitreo stuff, you know test tube babies."
"Where are they going to get the sperm from?"
"Didn't you do lessons on the birds and the bees? For a biologist you don't seem to know much about it, do you."
"What! I do tutorials on reproductive cycles. I also know my goolies don't produce sperm any more."
"Ah, that could make sperm storage a bit difficult."
"How about impossible?"
"That too."
"So there we are, I'm destined to be a simulacrum."
"Isn't that book by Tolkien?"
"No that's the Simarilion, or something."
"Oh," she looked at my feet, "I wondered if I was going to have my very own Hobbit."
"Very funny! Your feet are nearly as big as mine."
"Yes, don't remind me." She paused for a couple of minutes, "So how do you feel about the surgery?"
"Okay, why?"
"No second thoughts?"
"No, none."
"Good."
"Why, did you think I was having some?"
"Not at all."
"Or did you think it could be a mistake?"
"No, why should I?"
"No reason. I'm sorry I fell apart earlier."
"All things considered, it doesn't seem incongruent with your life as it is."
"Yeah, congruence, wonderful word isn't it."
Comments
Nice one
Nice navel contemplating chapter.
It made a change from those screaming kid chapters and I can now go to bed without having resort to pain killers for a headache.
It's a shame that our heroine can't have kids, but she is mum to Spike and the other little furry animals and that might help a teeny bit.
Anyway, with so many unwanted children she may want to adopt but no doubt, in fullness of time, we'll find out.
Remember folks, dormice are for life, not just for Christmas
Sue
Re: Nice one
I definitely agree with you, Sue! This chapter was a great change of pace.
As for our heroine being unable to have children, I'm still holding out hope that Cathy will be found to be intersexed during her SRS and have fully functioning female reproductive organs! (I realize I am writing this LOOOOOOONG after Angharad wrote that part of the story; but I have forgotten much of the original story in the seven and a half years since I'd last read it.) Of course, as you have pointed out, adoption is an alternative if I have guessed wrong!!!
As for the plural of dormouse, shouldn't that be dormeeses? ;-)
Jenny
good
yeh no screaming kids this chapter but i feel so bad for cathy. she really wants a child. guess we will have to wait and see what happens.
thanks for another good chapter
with hugs sara
Nice change of pace...
... Introspection is useful, in moderation ... Sounds like Stella's showing her understanding of Cathy yet again. I quite understand her "sudden" realization that she can't have a kid at an emotional (rather than intellectual) level. THat's gotta be shocking.
Thanks for the thought provoking episode.
Nice chapter
Our hero is just proving how much of a real woman she is by suddenly feeling bad about not being able to have children. Sure would be nice if she was wrong about the sperm. Poor Cathy. There is still a surrogate.
Perhaps Cathy Is Wrong About Being A Mother
There is a wonderful story posted here by the author "Maggie The Kitten" "The Rose" where a trans-girl Cindy was actually capable of conceiving and giving birth. And Janet Stickney has stories where a trans-girl gives birth after her body is readied. Please Angharad, let our heroine be a birth Mum, seeing her getting wonky and sending poor Simon to get her pickles and ice cream in the middle of the night is too hilarious to NOT contemplate.
But I must admit that Stella was there for her sister when reality struck her in the face. Truly, Stella's choice has haunted her and I feel that she will in time come to crave being a Mum too.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Nice change of pace
I was wondering where Cathy's sudden awareness of her maternal instincts was going to lead, now we know. Very realistic, I would think - she's had so little time to think out all of the implications. Certain issues were bound to come bubbling up... something tells me that the other shoe hasn't dropped yet, tho!
He conquers who endures. ~ Persius
Moving On
Nicely done! That one caught me by surprise! I mean the idea that a couple of encounters with Mima could make Cathy wistful about not having children of her own.
Well, you have to know that I'm rooting for her and I hope she gets through this and the surgery, too.
I assume that she and Simon can adopt. They don't give transpeople a hard time about that sort of thing in the UK, do they? I mean, I would have thought that, with the Gender Identity Act or whatever it's called in place, they would be eligible but perhaps some (un)civil servant somewhere has taken it upon him (or her) self to make sure that 'these people' don't get to adopt.
Jenny Grier (Mrs.)
x
Yours from the Great White North,
Jenny Grier (Mrs.)
Nice chapter
There recently was an article about a Doctor who is trying to perfect womb transplants.Maybe in the not so distant future it will be possible for TS women to have children.Although not only will medical science have to advance but so will peoples attitudes about us as well.Amy
Babies
I knew this was coming. Cathy may not be able to have children, but she is going to be a wonderful Mom. There are going to be some lucky kids (plural) who will know this to be a fact.
Hormones ?
Now we go for the downward ride. Congruance, isn't that the porridge served to prisoners? Bad joke?
More bad coming? Hang on Stella, They are warming up, "Rocking around the Christmas Tree ", Christmas in 3 days
Cefin