Jeannie was still sitting on the couch when Claire; rather Todd got home. As anxious as Todd was to talk, Jeannie was not, and made it clear even before Todd sat down.

"I know you want to talk, but I'm not ready to. I don't know what to make of all this...it's almost as difficult as when I saw Claire for the first time. There are too many emotions coming at me from all directions." She paused and took a sip of her coffee before continuing.

"I still love you, but I am so angry right now." She looked at the papers sitting next to her on the couch and said,

"This is all too much for me to handle right now. I feel like I went through the wringer, and I am so upset." She looked away and choked back a sob

"Jeannie..." Todd began, but she cut him off.

"No...Not now." Almost like a child, she jumped up off the couch and threw the book in her lap at the fireplace. "I need to be alone...tonight"

Todd stood in the doorway as she walked away. Even at her angriest, she usually would kiss him. Sort of like, "Don't worry, we'll get through this." Not tonight, and Todd wondered how many more nights like this would pass before she was ready to talk.

"Good morning...Jeannie." Todd looked up from the paper to see his wife. It was Saturday morning, and they usually ate breakfast at the diner down the street. Jeannie was dressed, not to go to breakfast, but much more like she was going to work.

"Phil asked me if I could look at the Stephens account, and I told him I would...I should be back by four. Would you do some laundry?" Her tone was professional, as if she was speaking to a co-worker.

"Shhsure..." Todd stammered. He tried one last time before she left. "Jeannie..."

She cut him off with, "I don't want to talk about it...just drop it...Todd." At least she called him by name, but her cold refusal almost mirrored the rejection he felt as a child when his mother refused, likely for the very same reason. Tears came to his eyes, which he immediately tried to hide. Her perception of him as her husband had changed, maybe even as a man, and he was sure the tears would be seen as a sign of weakness...feminine.

"I want to go to church tomorrow. If you want to come with me, we can go for lunch afterwards." That part of the routine seemed to be intact, but it was the way she said "I want to go to church," that bothered him. He wondered if she wanted to "pray" about his problem...perhaps even seek counseling. Todd to be sure, was confused himself. He had considered himself a Christian...maybe more with a small "c," and was conflicted since much of what he knew and had grown to accept about himself was contrary to the teachings of the church they attended. He needed to find another place of worship. Sure it was wrong, but pressing the issue was almost pointless. Why would he want to continue to attend there? It would be like walking into Ming's Palace down the street and being upset that they didn't offer Meat Pies or Fish and Chips. He wasn't going to force the issue at this point, though. He had no energy for anything other than the preservation of his marriage, and any conciliation would likely help to at least warm the home up and get rid of some of the frost in the air.

"I'm writing 'cause she is upset, and I don't know how to get past her defenses enough to convince her I still love her. I've been crying all day, and I'm so tired of it all. It's just not worth the effort...to have my way. I'd give it all up in a heartbeat if I thought she'd let me in." His message had been sitting there, sent nearly three hours before. His friend...sister...interesting relationships had sprung from his involvement on the site He hadn't know "her" all that long, but she was understanding; having gone through the challenge and almost arduous task of convincing her own wife about her transgender status.

"You've got to give it time....she still feels betrayed, and her guard is up. I had a different reaction from my wife," "Nina" had said She knew before we married that I was transgender...We have an understanding about Nina that grew over time. Even knowing before the wedding, my wife was still nervous and reluctant about embracing this part of me. How much more difficult for your wife when you surprised her?" Nina's note said.

"And she had just bought a new outfit to impress her husband, if I recall your note from last week. Her own identity as a woman was hurt by that. So she's going to need time to take this all in. You said she read some of your stories...what became of that?" Nina wrote and sent the message. Todd read her response after going back on line later in the afternoon after doing some chores and some laundry. He pondered Nina's question and wrote back.

"It's been three weeks since she read the stories, and her only comment was more about how she could understand how I "turned out' the way I did, like I had some sort of deficiency or illness. We did end up talking about how distant my mother grew after she found me, but that's as far as that went. And we'd already talked about how my father beat me, so that really wasn't an issue for the moment. It's like I wrote last week...it's "Now that we know,” I can be 'fixed” or worse yet, healed.

The pastor wants to get together with me next Monday after work to "talk," but I know already where he's coming from since he's spoken a few times about the subject. He’s kind enough as it goes you know..."hate the sin, love the sinner." But it just reminds me of when my mother was little. She went to a Parochial school; I don't even know what denomination. She was left-handed, and they tried to change her...Did you know that the word "sinister" means left-handed. Her brain is wired to write with her left hand and they kept hitting it with a ruler and placing the pencil in her right hand. I wonder if they'll smack my head every time I have a thought about Claire.lol"

Todd sent the message to Nina, and didn't hear back for several days. Nina had a family emergency and spent no time at all en femme or on line. When she did respond, she wrote back the following;

"Dear Claire; know that you are in my thoughts. I know it's hard, but you'll have to be patient. Even though you've made a good effort to set this aside, the temptation is to bring it all back out again with any small success in your relationship with your wife. Your focus has to be on your wife and her needs right now. Anything less could be perceived as you cooperating just to get your way. It took almost two years before Nina was able to "come out" at home, and only in "baby steps" as Bill Murray put it. You've waited this long...I know it's hard and it hurts like hell, but be patient, sweetie."

“I know this must be frustratin’ and all…how do you feel today?” Katie looked at Claire, who was sitting on the couch as usual. What was unusual was today the first time she had worn any of ‘her” clothing to a session. They had agreed that she could change while there, and change back so that her appearance wouldn’t further upset Jeannie”

“I’m tired….I seem to be running out of ways to be nice to Jeannie, and she isn’t responding much to what I have done.” She looked away, as if to find strength.

“My time with the pastor was predictable, and very uncomfortable.” She looked around and Rocco was actually at her feet with a brand new pack of Kleenex.

“He went through all of the reasons why it was wrong, but he was kindly and didn’t say anything condemning.” She dabbed her eyes with the tissue and continued.

“The thing is, up until we started having this issue, we hardly went to that church at all. In fact, we had plans to attend that Saturday night church you guys have been attending. And the other part of this whole process is that she said she’d like to talk with Gina concerning all of this, seeing how you folks have a lot of experience in this area. Makes no sense to me, seeing how you’re really an example of success at something she’d rather avoid.”

“I knew about her and Gina ‘cause Gina was surprised about it as well. I think Jeannie really wants to get past the whole issue, and Gina has always been very friendly with her. It’s like she can trust Gina, and that’s a good thing, even if it is a little awkward. I trust that my wife will have at least the “right” answers to Jeannie’s questions. I believe they’re getting together on Saturday afternoon for lunch. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see”

It was becoming increasingly clear that Claire wasn’t just a way for Todd to ‘dress up.” Claire indeed had been around much longer than she had remembered.

“Do you tell her you love her?” A question directed physically to Claire, but in fact toward Todd.

“Every day! I kiss her on the cheek as much as she allows, and she’s not shying away. I think there have been a few times when she wanted to respond, but she still is upset. She doesn’t act angry, and more than once I found her crying to herself when I entered a room abruptly. It’s like she wants to understand and accept me, but something just keeps getting in the way.”

“I think your blog last week, “Why I dress,” would answer a lot of questions about her husband and how it all fits together. Now I’m not one for manipulation, but I think I’m going to download that and give it to Gina to give to Jeannie on Saturday. Something they can go over together. I’ll make sure that Gina tells her ahead of time so that she doesn’t feel put upon or surprised. If she refuses, no real harm, but she may just agree to have a look see. It certainly is less intense than anything in your fiction, and it may be a way for you to talk to her without talking, if you follow me.”

Katie smiled and offered Claire a bottle of water, which she accepted. She was crying less, feeling more secure in herself despite the continued….it couldn’t be called rejection at this point since the frost had lessened. Despite the continued lack of acceptance; it seemed more than ever that things were going to change….no indication of sooner or later, as some might say.

“So I understand you two went for a walk?” Katie asked. Claire smiled and said,

“It was such a surprise…I mean for Todd.” There was no disassociation; just an easy way to keep track of who was where when…and how it all related to Jeannie

“I had just loaded the dishwasher and she walked over and grabbed my hand. I went to kiss her, but she pulled away, but still holding my hand. We ended up going for a walk, but it felt so…detached. I think she just wants to work up to our trust slowly. I understand, but it hurts.” Claire started to cry and her face turned red from embarrassment.

“Todd may be a little out of his league when it comes to romance….maybe like a lot of fellas, but Claire misses the cuddlin’ and kissin’, yes?” Katie looked with understanding and continued,

“She’s that part of you that really, if you want to say, that Jeannie fell in love with first…the sensitive part of Todd, the sweet and attentive part. Now I’m not sayin’ all men fall short in that area, but for you…I believe you said…” Katie purposely failed to finish the sentence.

“She couldn’t believe how well she related to me…she even said it herself again the other day…it was like she had another girlfriend to confide in.” Claire’s face once again reddened with embarrassment.

Katie looked at Claire and broke into a wide grin, prompting Claire to almost look sideways at her. She smiled again and said,

“Now I’m not promisin’ anyting, dear one, but I think you may have figured out just why she is so…reticent to embrace your persona.” Katie smiled yet again.

“I’m not goin’ to say just yet, but I have an idea that may explain what appears to me more than anything to be her fears…let’s just let her talk with my wife and maybe we’ll we will see what we will see, yes?”

When You Say You Love Me as sung by Josh Groban
Words and Music by Robin Scoffield and Mark Hammond
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO5xwaqU8PQ
Next: Confession