It had been six weeks since Todd had started work with Donny Arcola. Sadly, as Katie had anticipated, the weeks previous had indeed been the calm before the storm. Only six days after Katie and Claire had talked about getting help, the flashbacks started.

“Todd…you barely paid attention while I was talking…this is hard enough, but if you can’t…”

Jeannie noticed Todd had started to tremble, as if he were cold, but it was a warm day, and he hadn’t complained about being sick.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” She asked, but he looked down at his trembling hands and shrugged almost with a vacant look about him.

At first he felt a mere sensation, which was troubling enough. But soon afterwards, Todd began experiencing physical memories which could not have been imagined nor duplicated. An aroma, a taste, even a visual "memory" or sound might seem real, but only be similar to something you'd heard or seen. Physical memories cannot be duplicated, since the point of reference is something that cannot be imagined.

Todd first began experiencing the physical sensations in a vague sense, but the intensity and "reality" of the flashbacks became so invasive as to be physically repulsive. You cannot imagine being sodomized with the physical sensation of the invasion; it cannot be "remembered" unless it actually happened. You can't imagine the taste of semen or the physical sensation of the contour and form of a penis in your mouth if it never happened.

He was so overwhelmed as to become physically ill. The memories of being forced to perform oral sex came next, with his body so overwhelmed as to get ill to the point of vomiting.

“Honey…what’s wrong. Are you alright?” Jeannie asked as Todd emerged from the bathroom.

“Oh God, Todd, go look at your face…what’s wrong?” She was almost pleading at that point. He rushed back into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He had broken a blood vessel in his right eye, and he had the appearance of new freckles as broken capillaries spread in red blotches across his face.

He was due to see Dr. Arcola the next day, so he called, but got the service instead. He typed out a quick e-mail and sent it off. It was past midnight, but the meds did nothing to help his insomnia. Dr. Arcola had prescribed a sleep inducer, but he was still plagued with insomnia and hyper-vigilance as the memories came more frequently. He wanted to talk with Jeannie but she had already gone to bed/ He sat on the couch and put his head back and closed his eyes

Mean angry faces; actually one face woke him with a start. He heard screams, which he realized were his own.

“Todd, dear God in heaven, what’s wrong?” She was worried; she had never seen him like this…she had never seen anyone like this. He stood in the doorway to the kitchen, bathed from behind by the light over the sink, and shook, almost like he had a chill. Jeannie rushed to his side. Months of defenses from both sides crashed down as Jeannie pulled him into an embrace. As she stroked his hair, he began to cry, harder than he had ever in his life. No words escaped his mouth and Jeannie fought to keep standing as he convulsed while holding her tight.

“Todd….nnnno…it’s okay…I’m here…I’m here, honey...what’s wrong” She patted his back almost like a mother consoling a child as he wept without a sound for nearly ten minutes. And then he spoke.

“I…Innnn know….dear God ….it was him….Uncle Todd….nnnnooooo.” Jeannie lost the battle as they both fell to the floor”

She didn’t have to ask…she already knew what he was going to say. She began to cry with her husband, holding him in her arms and squeezing his neck with her left hand even as she reached up to the kitchen table with her right hand to pull a napkin down to wipe his tears and hers.

“Shhh….nnnoo…honey….I’m here…shhhh.” She said as she held her husband in her arms. Too sad a time to be reunited in love, it felt horrible to be holding her husband as he wept like a child, but she loved him. An odd angry time to recall just why she married her husband, but she remembered once again, she loved him. She had told herself she would always care, but she had almost vowed never to be hurt again. Getting close and caring for him face-to-face was too painful; she had almost convinced herself. But even before she had heard his scream, even before she had discovered him shaking in terror; while she lay in bed trying to sleep herself, she had realized just how much she loved him. All the things that made her angry were not insignificant by any means, but she loved him, and that made those things much smaller;

She had tried to urge him to bed with her, despite her lingering doubts and fears about their relationship. But now, years of devotion supplanted the anger, and she held him as she alternated between weeping and rocking him back and forth like an infant in her arms.

Slowly, over the next few weeks, the flashbacks diminished somewhat, and he was able to cope with them, at least in part, by reminding himself that no matter how vivid and real they felt, they were in the past, and he was safe. A flashback would be greeted with a calmer yet still anxious demeanor, and if he was in a public place, he was able to at least hold fast to that small calm until he was in the safety of his own home. He might cry softly to himself as he left the post office or library, and he was able to maintain some control until he reached the haven of his house, where he would promptly retreat to the bathroom to vomit.

These episodes were happening still too frequently to ignore. He had lost his appetite, and struggled with eating, as certain things, even as innocuous as the taste of corn flakes would cause him to remember. Once, while driving home, he turned on the radio, and in changing the stations, came across an oldies program. The song being played was one his uncle would play frequently on the guitar, and the mere memory of the song caused him to pull over to vomit.

“Talk to me…tell me what’s going on.” She asked him one afternoon after he lost his lunch suddenly. She wanted this to be over; wanting desperately for her husband to be well and whole.

It might have appeared selfish, and it was to a very small extent. But it was entirely understandable. None of us has a complete idea what we are getting into in a relationship, even under the best of circumstances and with as much honest disclosure as possible. She faced the revelation that her husband had a female persona, whom she had met under the worst possible scenario, and yet that was the least of the surprises in store for her. Todd's victimization was even a surprise to him, in no small way, since his memories of the abuse lay dormant for nearly three decades. He and Dr. Arcola worked together, and slowly things came to light that explained why he was unable to remember.

"I...he said that he'd hurt...he'd go after Jerry if I said anything..." Bits and pieces of the coercive threats came to light only lately. You've seen movies or TV shows when the hero is able to resist any threat to his own life, but will agree to do almost anything when faced with the threat against a loved one.

"I’ll kill him...I swear, you little fucker...I'll kill him if you tell anyone," His uncle had said. Why it took so long after his uncles death for this to finally be released, Dr. Arcola could only explain was just..."It happens when it's too much for your mind to hold back any longer." Imagine holding a beach ball under water. When you let go, it doesn't just float to the surface...It launches." He said. "Or like someone dear to me reminded me recently it’s as if scores of icebergs were somehow anchored to the ocean floor. You're in a small boat floating uneasily on the surface, when suddenly, all at once; one of the icebergs is released. It rockets to the surface and capsizes your boat. You're in the water and hanging on for dear life. You finally get the boat up-righted and here comes another berg, repeating the terror once again. Imagine this happening over and over."

Dr. Arcola wasn't trying to scare Todd, only prepare him and Jeannie for what they would expect. Using that analogy, he explained that the flashbacks would grow less intense and less frequent. Todd was prescribed an anti-depressant to mitigate the frequent crying jags he was having, and the medications he was taking began to take effect.

“I can’t deal with this day in and day out, Todd. You’ve got to talk to me.” She said. Jeannie was worn out from all of the emotion; she longed for it to be over. But the tenacity in her; the unwillingness to abandon her love for her husband; she was determined to stand by Todd regardless.

“I don’t want to know the details, how many times do I have to tell you that?” He had accused her, understandably but wrongly…she must want to know everything he had thought. He had just talked with Dr. Arcola, and he needed space...Time to decompress.

“Todd, I don’t want to know. I understand how hard this is for you…Think of me for a change…I need to know you’re okay….Go into the office and shut the door. Just tell me how you’re feeling when you come out, okay?” He could hardly speak from the hour plus of crying he had done with Dr. Arcola, so he nodded yes.

Slowly, with a lot of patience and endurance, she saw her husband return in a way. As his ability to cope increased and the flashbacks diminished, they were able to talk...to finally communicate. While still uncomfortable with the idea, she slowly understood how important Todd's femme persona was to the entire being she knew her husband to be.

She still remained uncomfortable with the whole Claire thing, but they worked out a tentative...a very tentative understanding. Todd had been encouraged by Katie to express himself as Claire through his writing. Continuing to be a part of the community through his blog and his fiction gave him an outlet that was vital to his sense of self while still maintaining a fragile yet increasing peace in the household. Claire would live, even if in a less solid form than she preferred, but it was a balance that was preferable to having no outlet at all.

The whole idea wasn't a compromise per se; it was a resolution that addressed the needs of Jeannie and Todd for the here and now. Whether or not Claire ever made another "appearance" was unimportant. Todd loved Jeannie and she loved him; that wasn't going to change. They were going to start seeing a couple’s therapist to begin to work on the issues of trust; as much as he had been fearful of her rejection,

Todd realized finally that his failure to be honest with his wife nearly cost him his marriage, and nothing was more important than his love for Jeannie. And she, by her acceptance of his need for expression through his writing, had demonstrated that she was willing to accept in some small way the whole person.

One lovely thing in the midst of all the pain; Todd began to sing around the house. He had a fine tenor voice which when challenged might hit alto on occasion. One afternoon he might sing acapella to a Michael Buble song, the next day might have him harmonizing with Groban or Krall. And all love songs. He was able to remember most of the lyrics, paying strict attention to Jeannie throughout. A nuzzle on the neck with an Italian ballad or a quick peck on the cheek while walking through the kitchen while singing A Whole New World from Aladdin.

Jeannie responded in kind by embracing him and holding him every chance she got, as if by holding him, he would be safe and not return to the horror of only a few weeks ago. They had turned a corner in their relationship. Of course, things might never return to what they were, but honestly, isn’t that the case with all relationships. People and things change, and the relationships that last are the ones where the couple is willing to adapt.

Jeannie had made a choice to love her husband, whatever he was before she wanted to and was learning to love him just as he was. It didn’t happen all at once. And it didn’t happen like the movies or plays or books you’re familiar with. Over time, with much patience and effort, Jeannie fell in love with her husband all over again.

And one thing began to change; the end result still too far in the future to know what to expect. Jeannie read Todd’s blog, which he never hid from her but was meant for him; his friends on line and anyone who chose to read. This one meant a great deal because it was meant for her, even if he had written it for his readers.

I’ve learned one thing that is important; more than anything I can ever imagine…My wife is my whole life…I’ve found that whatever Claire is, however she came to be and whatever she may become, she is a part of a whole being who deeply loves his wife. I feel that in time; perhaps she might see the light of day once again, but even so; if she lives on here to write and encourage and support…that will be enough if it means my wife will be happy and we can regain what we had. To you who read this; I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me…nothing else matters as long as we love each other. Nothing.

A few weeks later:

“I was in Dillard’s yesterday, and you’ll never guess who I ran into.” Gina said as she was combing out Katie’s hair. She had let it grow longer after years of keeping it short; first for Ben’s sake, before she assumed the persona as it were of Dr. Katie Kelly and then just because she and Gina thought it might look nice.

“Whoever it was, I sincerely hope you didn’t knock them down,” Katie said with a soft laugh.

“Jeannie Sinclair.” Gina beamed excitedly. “Things are so much better with them from her point of view.” I know Claire is seeing you every other week. How is that going?”

“She feels more integrated with Todd, and that there might be hope to at least continue with her writing” Katie smiled back at her wife and continued.

“She derives a great deal of comfort; Donny Arcola has every reason to believe that the majority of the flashbacks may be behind Todd, leaving the “two” of them more complete and whole. She thinks that things may be improving enough that Jeannie might eventually be able to handle Claire at least being around when Jeannie is at work…a once in a while thing. Maybe sometime in a few months, but she’s so totally focused on the blog and her fiction that it doesn’t seem to matter much anymore.”

Gina smiled with a grin that said I know something you don’t know.

“Jeannie was in the store and walked up to me with an odd look on her face, like she had something important to share. She pulled me close and hugged me, so tender and sweet, she had a few tears in her eyes and she said, “Big sale today!” She pulled out what she had purchased, and it was lovely. A pair of cobalt blue silk pajamas…oh honey it looked so pretty. But I couldn’t figure out what was so special as to cause her to cry. She reached into the bag and pulled out another pair of the same pajamas, these in ice blue. I figured a sale’s a sale until she held the together by the collar.”

"No…you’re kidding me.” Katie smiled, knowing where Gina was going.

“The cobalt blue was a large and she said she always loved the color. The ice blue was a medium…can you believe that?

Even though it did seem a bit incredible, Katie believed every word her wife told her…ever.

“She kissed me on the cheek and said, ‘pray for me, it’s a surprise I don’t even know I can handle, and it’s just about cuddling and sleeping closely…that’s all.”

“You know, sweetheart, I believe that’s all Claire ever wanted.” She smiled at Gina who put down the comb and walked to the closet. Reaching in, she pulled out a Dillard’s bag and walked back to Katie, who had turned to look over her shoulder.

“You didn’t” Katie said,

“You’re right…I didn’t” Gina giggled, noticing the almost disappointed look on Katie’s face.

Gina giggled once again and reached into the bag, producing two floor length nightgowns, both in black, but with different bodices and lace overlays. She leaned over and kissed her lover passionately. Their tongues danced together for a while. Gina pulled away slightly and kissed her wife’s ear, saying simply.

“Since when do you still wear PJ’s silly”

My Confession as sung by Josh Groban
Words and music by Richard Page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4BOqdeaOsk

More Adventures with Gina and Katie coming soon!