They stood in the bedroom. She was dressed in slacks and a Kelly green blouse, ready to go out shopping. He had just finished his shower after a morning of yard work and was standing in front of her wearing a Penn State tee and long gym shorts.

“No…I told you already, Todd. I don’t want to! You know how I feel about it.” Jeannie looked hastily at her watch.

“Look, I’ve got to get going. I’m going to run over to Macy’s and then maybe stop and get some lunch. I’ll stop and take care of the groceries. That should give you about four hours. Just be done by five, okay?” She walked over and kissed him on the cheek, acting as warm as she could muster. She went out to the car, got in and checked her face in the rearview mirror. She had managed to hold back the tears successfully so Todd wouldn’t see her crying.

They had been going back and forth all morning. Todd had begged her to join him for dinner that evening; rather Jeannie was supposed to meet Claire for dinner after her errands. Jeannie had already made it quite clear that Claire could “visit” as long as she wasn’t home; she hated even using that name. What happened to her husband; where had he gone and who was this stranger in her bed?

Todd had reluctantly changed his plans, but still looked forward to the afternoon. Getting ready would only take about a half hour, and with only about fifteen minutes at the end of the afternoon to clean up, it would leave him over three hours to spend en femme at the computer.

Claire had just begun to correspond on line, and her fiction, awkward as it was fairly new, still was well received, earning complements like, “Good start!” “I can see her now…keep up the good work!” “You should let her find herself,” they all said, referring to Todd’s alter ego, Claire, the girl in her stories.
Her fiction was a release for her, like many cross dressers.

Claire received little support for her need to express that half of her. Jeannie had called it, “Your hobby,” stressing “your” to emphasize that she wanted no part of it, and “hobby,” since she saw it merely as recreational instead of being an expression of her husband’s personality.

And really, who could blame her? She was an attractive woman at forty; still about the same weight as when they first married and the very few lines in her face only added character to her beauty.
Why now, after sixteen years should she have to compete; what was wrong with her that she should have to feel less attractive while her husband seemed to be changing slowly. She married a man, damn it, not a woman; it wasn’t fair.

Truth be told, it wasn’t fair. Claire had been “sprung” on her with an almost take it or leave it attitude, it seemed to her...he was being entirely selfish. He had even said,

“Why can’t you see how important this is…come on, Jeannie…for better or worse?” He hadn’t actually said that, but he might as well have, she had thought.

He walked into the bedroom and then into their bathroom about to put his...rather Claire’s makeup on; looking forward to a few hours of being someone beside himself…no, that wasn’t right. She was looking forward to being herself. He looked in the mirror, expecting to become more attractive, but he really didn’t like what he saw. Instead of Claire staring back at him in acceptance, Todd saw himself, and he wasn’t attractive at all. His expression, while not condemning, was still not at all pleased.

“She’s given you so much…can’t you be patient with her?’ He thought to himself, but the words shouted loudly in his head while making no sound.

“She’s hurt…and scared.” His words didn’t accuse, but they still spoke firmly nonetheless.

“And you didn’t even give her any warning…She came home and there you were, sitting on the couch, looking perfect and a perfect stranger at the same time. Can’t you put yourself in her place?”

He began to laugh at the irony of his own question, thinking himself clever, but he caught himself and thought,

“She probably thinks you don’t care for her anymore. When was the last time that you looked at her with love in your eyes?” He had to admit sadly that lately since his wife was so attractive and had such exquisite taste in clothes, each new purchase she made caused him to think more about he would feel in her new dress or blouse than what to say to her to complement the way she looked. A new skirt might be followed by,

“I’d love to wear that with that new silk blouse she just bought,” rather than “Honey, you look terrific.

Todd put down the makeup bag. He walked over to his dresser and grabbed some sweat pants from his bottom drawer. He looked back at the mirror on the back of the bathroom door, noting the man standing there; he wasn’t please with what he saw, and vowed to change that. He blinked back a few tears and walked out of the bedroom, picking up a clothes basket to do a load of laundry. And while he was disappointed, the tears in his eyes were for the disappointment he felt toward himself for failing to remember how much Jeannie meant to him…He would make it up to her.

Claire was a sweet, treasured part of his existence, but she wasn’t nearly important enough to risk everything he had with his wife.

Jeannie was at the Safeway... She was looking for something nice to cook for dinner.

“Maybe I’ve just been too busy with work…maybe I’m not doing enough to build him up” She thought about getting a new negligee, but the emphasis in the house was entirely too much on clothing lately. She was reaching for a steak when she bumped into someone with a familiar face.

“Jeannie Sinclair, you dear. I haven’t seen you for weeks.” Gina Kelly stood facing her friend, who she hadn’t seen since she and Katie had started attending a Saturday night service at another church nearby, owing as much to convenience as Katie’s transition. She gave Jeannie a welcoming hug, which soon turned awkward as Jeannie noticed the petite blond standing behind Gina. Gina turned back, realizing that this was one of those inaugural moments she and Katie would have to expect that might occur impromptu anywhere. She smiled and Jeannie blinked twice as her eyes widened in recognition.”

“I’m glad to see you Jeannie; you’re lookin’ well and as attractive as ever.” The soft feminine brogue was disconcerting since Jeannie had been over to the Kelly house several times with Todd, but still…here, she had no idea…

“It’s me, yes.” Katie said softly. “As ever was.

Todd was sitting in the living room folding towels. ESPN was on, and it was half-time at the Penn State — Michigan game. He was singing to himself when Jennie walked in from the garage with some groceries. She looked and saw that Todd was exactly as she had left him; she’d returned an hour earlier than expected; not to “catch” him but just to sit down and have a talk. His appearance meant that Claire hadn’t visited.

“I’ve got some sausage and peppers and potatoes cooking in the oven. Let me get my sneakers on, and I’ll help you with the bags.”

He slipped on his sneakers without tying them and walked quickly to the garage, pausing long enough to kiss Jeannie on her cheek before going out to the car.

You’ll never guess who I ran into at Safeway.”

“Donovan McNabb,” Todd teased, seeing that with the thousands of people living in the area, he would never have guessed.

“Gina Kelly from church. Met her and her…husband.”

“Oh yeah, how are they anyway…haven’t seen them in weeks since they started going to that new church on Saturday…it’s a plant from ours, isn’t it?” Todd asked.

“Well…let’s just say you wouldn’t recognize Ben.” Jeannie said.

“I remember he’s a psychologist…did he grow a beard?”

“Quite the opposite,” Jeannie said without elaborating. “They’ve invited us for dinner tomorrow and I accepted.” She had wondered at the invitation, and if Ben would actually even be there tomorrow, if at all.

It’s something we’ve wanted to do.” Gina said squeezing Katie’s hand. Her display of affection looked quite natural which well it should have, but it still made Jeannie uncomfortable. There was and IHOP near the Safeway and they treated Jeannie to lunch.

“May I ask you a personal question?”

“Besides that one? I’m sorry…I say that all the time. Of course.” Gina said.

“Is…are you…did you….” No matter how many times she started, each attempt ended awkwardly and unfinished. Katie anticipated where Jeannie was coming from and said simply,

“No…actually, we’re quite happy with the way God made me…for the most part.” Katie smiled with a warm expression and was going to continue when Gina interrupted.

“Briefly, yes to up top, no to down below,” Gina said laughing at her own remark.

“It’s really a matter of several considerations.” Katie said. “I’ve begun to work full time counseling in the community, primarily with transgender male to female, either living as or transitioning completely with surgery and such.” She smiled as Jeannie looked uncomfortable. “You’d be surprised. Even the most conservative statistics, and I use that term loosely, indicate that most cross dressers are heterosexual men. I’ve nothing to back that up other than that the CD’s I’ve worked with are hetero, and many of them are married and lead otherwise normal lives. The transsexuals that I’ve worked with have been varied in their experiences and ultimate goals; some remain with their spouses or girlfriends after surgery and some are in relationships with men…an interesting mixture to say the least.”

“Can you tell me something? My Todd…” It was touching how she referred to him as “My Todd.”
“He’s got it in his head that is…well he insists that he has a female side to him.” More of a statement, but the implied question was, “why?”

“Actually, that’s really a good way of putting it. While much of our perception of our sexual identity comes from environment…how we were raised, and our appearance…our bodies, we often also form our self-conception of our identity by how we think and feel apart from any external influence.”

“I don’t follow you,” Jeannie said.

“Without going into it all, just think of how you feel about Todd. Apart from this one thing, which I’m not saying is small...it’s huge. But other than that, has he changed at all; is he as kind and thoughtful as he ever was?”

“Yes…maybe more so…He always tells me he loves me. He’s always doing extra things to make things easier for me even though he works at his job full time as well.”

“And the other part of him…Claire, did you say?” Katie asked. Jeannie nodded and Katie continued.

“Do you see her as a friend or a threat?” Gina asked.

That one was easy…at least she thought so until she actually answered the question.

“A threat…yes…I’m…I’m not sure.” She hesitated. As uncomfortable as it felt the first time she “met” Claire, after the initial shock wore off, she found that it was almost nice. Claire was complimentary and sweet, almost like a sister

“You know, it’s only recently that Todd has been more attentive to Claire than me.”

“Why the change, do you think?” Katie felt she knew the answer, but wanted Jeannie to say it first.

“He’s scared?” She asked a question that answered itself.

“Why do you think he’s so scared?” Gina asked, adding “so” to reflect Jeannie’s accompanying expression, which was fearful as well.

“I think he’s afraid of rejection?” Again almost a statement; Jeannie remembered that Todd’s family life was horrible, and that his father basically demonstrated a disdain for his oldest son.

“Seein’ how common that is, you’re probably right.

Gina looked at Jeannie and smiled, gripping her hand while hold on to Katie’s as well.

“Even though I started falling in love with Katie the first time I met her, I have to say I felt threatened, and I know how much rejection Katie experienced growing up.”

“I love him too much…how do I get past this? If this…if she’s really a part of him?” Jeannie asked

“How do you get past anything difficult in your relationship with him,” Gina asked.

“I guess I just try to love him and understand as much as I can.”

“Isn’t that what real love is all about?” Katie asked. “You are not compelled to accept everything he says or does, nor is he obligated to do the same. What we are required to do is love and accept each other in spite of what we do.”

“Which means….you talk…he listens…he talks…you listen…and you pray together and pray some more. And you have to be honest with yourself..." Gina jumped in once again, providing Jeannie with a wife’s perspective. "Just how much of you is attracted to Claire, and how does that fit in with how you view yourself....I know I struggled with it myself, and I had to arrive at my own decision...I'm sure you will, too."

“Say…why don’t you and Todd come over tomorrow afternoon for dinner; Ben still makes an appearance now and then…it’ll be low key, and you can talk or not, okay?

Todd brought the rest of the groceries into the kitchen. Jeannie smiled and picked up a Macy’s bag from the table and opened it. She held up a brand new dress she’d bought. Burgundy silk number, sleeveless and full-skirted. She held it up for his approval. Todd looked at it draped against her body and remembered the talk he had with himself while she was out.

“God, I can’t wait to see you in that…You’ll look gorgeous.” He stepped up to her and kissed her passionately, probably much more passionate than in recent memory.

“I love you so much.” He tried not to, but tears came to his eyes. “I haven’t told you that enough lately.”

Jeannie kissed him back and smiled before saying,

“You are my very own sweet husband. I thank God for you every day. I’m sorry that I haven’t understood you. I won’t pretend this is going to be easy, no matter what happens, but I’m going to listen to you when you talk, and I hope you’ll do the same for me, okay?”

Todd nodded and kissed her again.

The next afternoon, Todd had just finished mowing the lawn and was standing in the kitchen drinking an Aquafina.

“I forgot to tell you something yesterday about Gina and Ben.” She actually did forget, owing mostly to the nice talk and the nicer sex later; it actually did slip her mind.

“Ben is living outwardly as Katie almost full time. Gina says that Ben puts in an appearance now and then in their relationship, she said that Ben would be there today so as not to make it too awkward.”

Todd was actually relieved. The whole cross dressing thing was too much to deal with right now. He really wanted to focus his energy on his relationship with Jeannie. It had occurred to him that whatever might become of Claire, it was more important for him to show Jeannie how much he loved her.

After his shower, Todd walked back into the bedroom. Jeannie had finished dressing. She was wearing a lovely mint green cotton sleeveless full-skirted dress along with white sandals. Todd admired his wife for a few seconds, taking in how beautiful she was to him.

“I called ahead and asked Gina for a favor. She pushed back dinner a half-hour so we would have time to get ready.” She smiled wryly and pointed behind her. Draped on the bed was the dress she had purchased the day before.

“Katie is going to be there today instead of Ben. I thought it would be nice for someone else to get to know Claire.” She winked at him and said,

“Besides, burgundy is your color, silly! Now let’s get you dressed.”

The Sky and Dawn and the Sun as sung by Celtic Woman
Words and Music by Celtic Woman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQN9gr-Hb_Q

Next: Claire Loves Jeannie