A Love of Providence Part One - Eve of Acceptance   by Andrea Lena DiMaggio   Can I show you what you are for me Angel of mine, can I thank you You have saved me time and time again Angel, I must confess It's you that always gives me strength And I don't know where I'd be without you

Christmas Eve the previous year...

“I love you so much, Ter….You are my life…you rescued me…I was lost…you found me…I was broken…dear God you saved me…”

Joey moved up and began to kiss her wife’s neck and shoulders, biting and nudging and kissing softly. Tenderly, with so much love and wonder and thanksgiving, Joey turned her attention to pleasuring her wife. Soft, gentle hands caressed Terri’s body, once again touching her chest as if it were made out of fragile crystal, wanting so much to love and afraid of hurting or leaving her uncomfortable. Her hand moved further down until it found the soft mound. She softly ran her fingers through the hair, almost combing it with her nails. Gently she massaged her, touching carefully at first, then with increased but still gentle attention. Her head slowly lifted away from her lover’s face as she brought herself lower….kisses brought sensitive areas awake as she moved down Terri’s body. A small patch of skin, awash in feeling amidst the numbness, came to life with an almost spark…Terri moaned as her lovers hands gave way to kisses and licks…a tenderness of a different kind; responsive, eager, ready…she stroked her lover’s cheeks as tears flowed like a cleansing river after a storm as tension and worry and sadness vanished in a final, wonderful moment…

Another time, perhaps, and Terri would have felt guilty and even selfish. Joey was no longer responsive…she was sensitive in areas she had never really taken note of before, while old familiarity gave way to indifference as she moved closer to the final change. But here and now, Terri knew that what they just experienced was for Joey’s benefit as much as her own…Joey needed to feel important and that she was unselfish and loving and caring. Just like a birthday rather than Christmas Eve, only one would receive a gift that night, but the giver felt alive and happy and whole for the giving, as much as if witnessing a friend open a pretty package and being overjoyed at the look on their face.

Terri held Joey in her arms as the girl wept out of relief, the tension of the day melted as she kissed away Joey’s tears. Years of feeling unimportant and insignificant were replaced by feelings of belonging…and that Joey was discovering that she could love just as much as be loved.

Summer the following year...

"Joey? Sweetie...are you home?" Terri tossed her bag on the dining room table and walked into the kitchen. No usual aroma of cooking; she noticed the kitchen was nearly spotless, the stove empty of any pot or pan.

"Joey? Honey?" Terri walked back into the dining room. April and Lainey and the kids were over at Erica and Mark's for dinner and likely would be gone all afternoon. She wandered down the hall, almost like a child playing hide and go seek.

"Come out, come out wherever you are?" She chuckled at the playful mood she was in. Her outlook had become so much brighter lately, having found a new joy in the relationships she was developing with the people at Erica and Mark's church. As she walked down the hall, she almost tiptoed, trying to keep the playfulness going. Her lighthearted mood disolved quickly as she heard crying coming from their bedroom. She opened the door and found Joey sitting on the bed, looking at a letter she held in her hand.

"What's wrong, hon?" she asked as she stepped next to her lover. She put her hand on Joey's shoulder; Joey grabbed her hand kissed it. Terri felt tears on Joey's face as she kissed her cheek.

"I...Dale says she can't sign...just yet. I...I can't...." She put her head against Terri's stomach and began to weep. Terri kissed the top of Joey's head and stroked her cheek with her fingers.

"Oh, god, no...baby..." Terry was devastated, certainly for her own sake, but so much more for Joey. They had been looking forward to planning Joey's surgery, and this was more than just a huge setback.

"She thinks I haven't dealt with the abuse and....what....happened. She says I'm not ready." Joey looked up at Terri, almost as if it were her fault that Dr. Gorzelnick had denied their request.

"But didn't Dr. Arcola okay you? Sure...Of course...he had no problem. And Katie Kelly gave her recommendation. Why won't Dale okay it. Everybody thinks you're doing marvelously. What could possibly be the problem.

"She says I'm not sure if I'm doing it for you or for me....I don't know. This isn't fair. I told her I wanted to please you, but I never said that was the reason.

"I know, I understand where she's coming from, but she's not listening to you. Maybe if we set up an appointment together? We've been working with three doctors for nearly two years, and with one psychiatrist and our therapist giving their blessing I'm sure we can convince her." Terri tried to put on a brave face; it was confusing as to why she had been denied.

"What does she say in the letter?" Joey looked at her and tears cascaded down her face and onto her lap.

"She says that she's reluctant to okay surgery; that she feels we're living out an O'Henry story, whatever that means."

"I know what she means, but she's wrong. I understand, but she's got to listen to me." Terri shook her head, but she wore an expression that didn't seem hopeful.

"I...I wanted...to...please you." Joey stammered through her sobs.

"I know, Joey, I know." Terri's eyes filled with tears. No matter how many times they had this discussion, the outcome seemed to come to the same conclusion. She failed in her attempts to assure Joey that it wasn't important how things worked between them...it was the love they shared...the deep respect that each had inspired in the other, and the devotion that each had as well.

"Babe...I know you do, but if you never changed...if suddenly you changed you mind, or it became impossible, it would make no difference to me. You are my girl, and I love you more than I have ever loved another human being. Please know that no matter how things turn out, you have brought me healing and new life, and I love you, okay?" Terri stammered over her own words as her sobs matched the intensity of the woman she loved.

"You....you... gave up....you could have..." Terri had forgone breast reconstruction. Joey had demonstrated to her exactly what she had tried to show Joey; that the bodies they wore; the fleshy clothing, as it were, had become unimportant as they derived immense acceptance and love from each other. Love that was completely unlike anything either of them had ever known.

"I guess Dale is right then," Terri laughed, but there was no humor but the mood had become sober and bitterly ironic. Like the couple in the Gift of the Magi, both of them were willing to sacrifice what they wanted for the benefit and love of the other, save for the fact that their deference toward each other had been perceived as a detriment rather than the supreme example of selfless love. That the surgery would take place, they had no doubt. Hopefully soon, but Terri needed Joey to know that the two of them were complete just as they were. Whatever took place from then on would be a confirmation rather than a change as they learned just how beautiful they were.

"Hold me?" Joey looked once again into Terri's eyes. It wasn't a plea per se; Terri would be there for her in every way no matter what. More of an acknowledgement that Terri was exactly whom Joey had been meant for, and she for her.

"Always, my heart, always." Terri said as she pushed Joey back on the bed gently. Their sobs were soon replace by soft crying and the sounds of kisses and coos.

"I love you, Terri," Joey said as she wept. "I want to be everything I can be for you. I love you so much."

"You are everything I've ever wanted in life and then some. I'm the luckiest woman in the world. I love you." Terri said as her tears fell like a soft shower on the garden of Joey's soul.

"I love you."

Angel of Mine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWel19vTMZU