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Previously:
 

"I didn't do anything wrong....I fucking didn't do anything wrong. He took the best part of me....and threw it away...And I gave the rest of it away for free. No more...no more. I'm not the one who did something wrong here. I was a little girl and he fucked me...him.. not me...not me." She turned and looked at Terri, who was looking at Dale, who simply nodded, blinking back tears of her own. Terri opened her arms and pulled Joey close to her. The girl fell into her and rocked back and forth, sobbing bitterly and saying over and over,

"Not me...not me...not me...I was a little girl...he had no right....not me....not me."

Dale picked up the clipboard in front of her and looked at the letter she had written in anticipation of the work she knew would get done.

"I am in agreement with both Dr. Arcola and Dr. Kelly, and find that Josephine Katlyn Carlucci is a fit candidate for Gender Confirmation Surgery. Procedure should be scheduled at the recommendation of Ms. Carlucci's attending surgeon, and should proceed at their agreed convenience. I remain, respectfully, Dale Gorzelnick, MD, PsyD"

She signed the letter and placed the clipboard on the coffee table in front of her and blew out a breath.

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Please note: this episode features some flashbacks from the Providence: the Valley series.

A few months later, at the hospital after surgery:

"Welcome back, sweetie." She looked up to see her lover's eyes filled with tears as she gazed down at her.

"Ohhhhhh...owwww." She tried to raise herself out of bed, but no strength and increasing pain pushed her softly but firmly back down.

"I know, honey...I know." Terri leaned closer and placed a cold washcloth on Joey's forehead and began to wipe her face. She dabbed gently around the eyes. There was something almost sacred about Joey's tears, and Terri wanted to preserve them as long as possible.

"April is in the waiting room with Diane. Lainey's home with the kids; she'll be by later." Terri leaned closer and kissed her wife on the lips like a doting mom.

"Mmmm...mooommm." Joey's eyes were filled with tears in anticipation of the answer more than pain at that moment.

"No...Honey...." Terri shook her head only after Joey's head tilted back with eyes closed. Joey's mother wouldn't be coming; the anaethesia still wearing off. Susan Carlucci had died years ago, a brain aneurysm exploded after one too many slaps to the head from Joey's dad. Her dad refused to hold even a memorial service and had her remains donated to the local hospital.

"She....I'm her ...little girl." True enough; Susan had treasured her child as much as she could, but years of abuse from her husband left her unable to reach out after Marco kicked his erstwhile daughter out of the house. Joey's eyes began to flutter and Terri kissed her on the forehead.

"Sleep, babe...I love you." She squeezed Joey's hand and sat down in the chair next to the bed. Joey fell back into sleep, but it was not a restful sleep at all.

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Years before:

It was a nice summer day when Marco Carlucci came home in the middle of the afternoon when his boss let everyone off early after the company picnic. He came home to find his son dressed in his sister’s clothing. The child was reaching over to unzip his uncle’s pants, when his father yelled. Joey’s uncle feigned sleep, and acted as if he was horrified and disgusted by the boy’s behavior. Marco believed his brother and beat the child with his belt until welts appeared on his legs.

“You little faggot; you whore!” The words echoed throughout the house, but not loud enough to drown out the wailing of the poor child. And like we’ve seen elsewhere, the crying was loud enough to startle the neighbors, but not nearly important enough for anyone to intervene.

That it went on unabated for years would be an understatement. Joey finally left the house on the eve of her sixteenth birthday with nothing but an old dress of her sister Amelia's and a brooch that her mother had gotten from Joey's great-grandmother. It might have seem odd that she was short haired and wore the dress over her tee shirt and jeans, but it was more of a 'fuck you' statement since her father stood on the porch of the house and cursed her as she left.

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Only after years of abuse with one failed connection after another (they could never be considered relationships), she finally found a family; first with Lainey and April and the kids, but then with Terri. A wounded soul herself, Terri was the most giving and forgiving person she had ever met. They were oddly attracted; at least they wondered what drew two dissimilar people together. Really, it was their uniqueness that drew them close. Both had suffered the pain of rejection in their own way. And both of them had been nearly irreparably harmed by physical pain and disfigurement. That Joey's disfigurement was from birth so to speak made no difference

The truth was that both saw each other through accepting eyes. Joey saw Terri's malformed chest, not as a disfigurement so much as a disappointment and heartache for Terri; a reason to feel close and supportive to a new friend. Terri saw Joey's boyish (truly) body as no more than a phase she was going through like a growth-spurt or the change a girl goes through passing from pre-pubescence all the way into womanhood.

Separately they had been viewed as almost the human counterparts to the playthings on the Island of Misfit Toys, only they were misfit women. Never accepted apart from a few people; and certainly struggling for self-acceptance, together they made a perfect fit. They loved each other from almost the start and their love had grown stronger with each passing day. Now, for at least one of them, some might have believed, healing had come; the girl was now whole and complete in a sense. But what of the other woman? What about Terri?

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Months before:

Terri O’Hara was convinced that Joey was the best thing ever to happen to her, and she was right. What she was also convinced of, or rather had been convinced of, is that nothing else good would come to her. She was rebelliious and headstrong, according to her parents.

“You are a disappointment to us,” her mother had said.

“No daughter of mine…” her father had said frequently, with him filling in the end of the sentence with almost everything she had chosen to do. Her relationship with her former girlfriend April had been a major source of contention and strife, since her family didn’t believe her when she said she was ‘different.”

“It’s just a phase you’re going through; just like with that Canderlero boy you dated,” her mother chided her.

“Mom…boys were a phase. I’m gay.” She had challenged her mother in front of her sibliings, and that would never do.

“No…you’re not…you’re being stubborn as always. It’s just about getting back at us…You’ll see.” Her mother raised her voice and pointed at her.

“Why is it always about you and Daddy? Can’t you see that this is who I am…I love April.” That wasn’t entirely true, but it wasn’t false either. She felt connected to April at the time, and as they both said, the sex was great. But there wasn’t any love in the truest sense. Oh they loved each other as much as two folks can who are incapable of committing and are self-absorbed; that she would discover after they broke up.

“You don’t care about our feelings. You’re so selfish!” Her mother said. “You’re breaking your father’s heart.” That Mr. O’Hara was incapable of feeling to begin with made no difference. That her parents were more interested in their social standing made no difference. Status and not their daughter was what mattered. It would have been painful enough to be abandoned by family, but then the other shoe dropped.

---

“I’m sorry, Ms. O’Hara, but that’s what we’re faced with.” Even with an excellent medical plan, Terri was dealing with prohibitive medical expenses after her mastectomies. Her insurance had been cancelled due to a clerical error in her HR department and neither they nor the insurance company was willing to compromise. So she was caught in the middle with no way of paying for reconstructive surgery.

“You can think about getting it done later when your insurance problems are solved,” the doctor said sympathetically. She wanted to help, but she was booked solid for several months. She wanted to provide the services for free, but her lawyer reminded her that she had just finished paying her final premium for malpractice insurance, and the cost for the following year was going to be over six hundred thousand dollars annually. She tentatively penciled Terri in for November, and since it was only February… Terri ended up moving back to her home town, where she reconnected with April and met April’s new family and in turn, met Joey.

---

At the hospital in the present:

“Terri….Terri….” Joey screamed. Terri jumped up and leaned over the bed as Joey awoke from the nightmare.

“Oh….oohh.” She cried as the pain returned.

“I’m here, honey. It’s okay.” She started to think about that old 10CC song, The Things We Do For Love, and then she corrected herself.

“You’re okay, honey…and the doctor says everything went well…You’re finally where you need to be.” Terri realized that while it was probably something that Joey had thought about in regard to their relationship, the SRS was absolutely for Joey’s benefit. She really understood why many people had taken to renaming it Gender Confirmation Surgery…there was no reassignment, since Joey had been a girl…now a woman…all along. The surgery was the final key in addressing the need to make the inside and the outside of the woman match.

Joey fell back into a more restful sleep; owing mostly to the hand that held hers. Terri looked upon her wife and began to cry, not angry or sad tears, but tears of gratitude and joy. She recalled the moment of revelation as she discovered just how much she was capable of actual love.

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At home, months before:

It was late afternoon. She didn't expect anyone to be home. April had decided after much self-debate, not to return to UPS, and instead assumed much of the responsibility of the financial end the store, with Lainey and Diane still handling the customer interaction. When not at an occasional play date, Deedee still spent a lot of time at the store with her parents. Terri had finally finished her degree, and was working at Second Chances Animal Shelter and Veterinary Hospital as a Vet assistant.

So Joey was completely surprised when she stepped out of the hall bathroom after her shower, only to come face to face with Terri, who was standing in the hallway in her own robe, expecting to take a late afternoon shower before dinner. Joey’s robe had fallen open and she felt naked and exposed. She looked into Terri's eyes, and found herself less anxious as Terri smiled. Then she looked down at herself and began to cry, mostly out of embarrassment for the moment, but somewhat out of inadequacy as she considered her "lack." Not at all feminine, she was boyish and "flat," leaving her to feel not at all like the girl she had become.

Terri looked at her and picked up her anxiety and shame immediately. She smiled once again, saying nothing, but her eyes began to mist up. She reached over and held Joey's hand. Then she took both their hands and placed them on Joey's chest over her heart. She took her other hand and stroked her cheek while continuing to smile and cry. She lifted Joey's chin and kissed her cheek, and said,

"It's okay, I understand."

Joey's expression was one of wonder and sadness; she didn't understand why Terri would cry. She was about to find out, and this moment, like others we've seen, would be transformational for both women.

Terri took her hand off Joey's chest. She opened her own robe, revealing her own lack. She took Joey's hand and placed both of their hands on her own chest over her own heart. A chest that was no longer feminine, but flat and scarred. She took Joey's other hand and placed in on her own cheek. She leaned forward and kissed her once again on the cheek and said softly,

"It's okay; we're really not so different, are we?" She kissed her once again on the cheek and closed her robe. She smiled once again through her tears and walked into the bathroom and closed the door.

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At home, a few months after surgery:

They lay in bed. Terri stroked Joey’s hair, and kissed her tears.

“I’m so sorry…I….” Joey looked apologetically at her wife and wept bitter tears.

“Shhhh….shhhh….” Terri continued to kiss Joey as she cooed softly, like a mother comforting a child after a nightmare. It wasn’t a nightmare, but it felt like that to Joey.

“I…I….wanted…it….special….Terri…I’m so…sooo.sorry.” She buried her face in Terri’s hair.

“It is special, honey….” Terri choked back a sob. Both of them were well aware that things would be different after the surgery, and they could only hope that things would continue to improve. But Terri needed Joey to hear what she had to say.

“N…nnnnothing has changed. Nothing will change but my love for you…it will grow and become even more precious…dddo….do you understand?” Terri wept even as she kissed the tears from Joey’s face.

“I love you….I love you so much….it’s alright….shhhhh….shhhh.”

Their lips met and the passion grew. No need for anything else; the kissing wasn’t just merely sufficient or a substitute for what was not yet possible. It was beautiful and tender and sacred unto itself; no need for anything else as they fell into each other, their souls mingling and comforting and coming more alive than ever before. A love of providence; two misfits who became a match; a marriage made in heaven as some might say.

“I love you,” they cooed together; an odd but completely harmonious union of tenor and alto almost sung, tenderly and softy with much love. Con grande amore.

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Kiss from a Rose
words and music by
Seal
As performed by Katherine Jenkins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mBE9MAtAA0