Twice in a Lifetime  an anthology of sequels to Chances Are

From Allie’s Chance

“So I have the two of you. I love you both dearly, but I can’t keep this up. I feel like I’m in a circus and I’m spinning pie plates….something starts to slow down and it all looks like everything is going to come crashing down. You need to talk…you love each other, so there’s nothing either of you can say that should make a difference. This is your chance!” She sighed, hoping she was reaching then both.

“Dad?” A one word question that was vague at first hearing, but the nod by the older man gave everyone hope that things would change.

Hunterdon County Democrat – Wednesday, June 13, 2018:
Blake and Bernice Russell of Flemington, New Jersey are proud to announce that their daughter, Alison Miriam Russell-Cannizaro of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, has been accepted into the Doctorate of Nursing Education Program at Drexel University. Ms. Russell-Cannizaro holds a Master’s Degree in Nursing Education and a Master’s Degree as a Nurse Practitioner. She is an adjunct professor at Drexel University. She and her Life-partner, Dr. Regina Russell-Cannizaro, PsyD, PhD, are employed by the Health and Wellness Center of Ardmore, Pennsylvania.

Ardmore, Pennsylvania, 2020…

“You get to those papers on your desk, sweetie?” Allie called out to Regina from the bathroom between face washing and teeth brushing, so to speak. Her voice sounded only a wee bit sudsy. Regina poked her head into the bathroom and smiled.

“On it right now. We still getting together after work with Andrea and Betty?” She looked out the window as if to ‘see’ the clinic down the street where they had met. If it hadn’t been for Betty, the two might never have connected, but it was Andrea who really pushed them once they met.

“Unless something comes up, but you’re not on call and I’m on vacation.” She giggled, since it was odd for Allie to be the one with time off, but it was really only for a few days. She leaned closer and rubbed her partner’s tummy, seeking some movement.

“Greg and Marsha seemed to be taking some time off as well. It’s more like them turning over and going back to sleep than any kicking the past few hours.” She shuddered.

“Oh, don’t….honey? They’re okay. They just seem to respond to my voice with a little more…” She paused and pulled her hand away, raising it up as if to get attention.

“See….they waltz for you and cha cha for me.” She patted Regina’s tummy once again before lifting her hand to touch her partner’s face.

“Have I told you how much I love you?” A stock if well-intended question. Regina nodded and kissed Allie’s cheek.

“Every day in every way….I love you too!” She grabbed the bottle of Scope and took a swig.

“Ewwwww….orange juice and mouthwash….ewwww.” She spat the liquid in the sink, just missing Allie’s pajama top.

“Gotta run.” She kissed Allie once more and hurried down the hallway.

“Love you!” she called before running out the doorway. Allie cocked her head and listened. Hearing the car drive off, she walked back to the bedroom where she closed the door, and opened the closet. Never one for dressing up, it was a rare if odd and completely understandable occasion. Pulling off her pajamas, she grabbed an outfit hanging on the back of the closet door. She padded on the thick carpet over to Regina’s dresser. Pulling out some items, she proceeded to get dressed for the day; the moment, actually.

“Not bad,” she sighed. She closed the closet door and looked at herself in the mirror. Standing across from her was a woman who very strongly resembled her, but with one decided difference. While it was merely a throw pillow, the bump in her outfit gave her the appearance of a woman who was ‘great with child,’ as her grandmother might have said. She turned slightly and viewed herself in profile, with her hands placed on her tummy. It was really meant to be a way of connecting; she wanted so much to be a part of what Regina was experiencing.

And of course, they had made careful plans that allowed for her ‘pre-change’ condition to bring their hopes for children to fruition. But in spite of that connection, there was something deep inside, perhaps, that Allie missed. No womb meant no birth on her part. And as silly as that might sound to some, considering the blessing they were about to enjoy, she began to cry softly. Incomplete, some might say.
And inauthentic, Allie would say all too frequently, despite reassurances by Regina. She was so ‘into’ her grief that she didn’t hear the bedroom door open. Regina stood there, almost incredulous but for the tears in her own eyes.

“You’ll make a great mom, honey.” Regina said. Allie turned; her face grew beet red and she shook her head.

“This isn’t…I’m sorry…I…” She stammered. Regina stepped closer and drew her partner into a warm hug; faux and authentic baby bumps coming together softly. Allie kept shaking her head, and by then was unable to speak but for saying ‘I’m sorry’ over and over. Regina stroked her hair and kissed her cheeks; oddly savoring the salt of Allie’s tears, which were dear to her. She kissed her again and spoke.

“It’s alright, Allie….it’s alright.”

Regina lay next to Allie; her hand had found its way into Allie’s mess of bed-hair and her fingers were happily entwined with a large curl that draped over Allie’s temple. She played with the tress and cooed wordlessly in Allie’s ear; the soft breath sending a chill at the back of Allie’s neck.

“Mmmmmm,” Regina purred. Allie starred awkwardly at the wall as she found herself unable to escape Regina’s attention. She rolled over further; the tangle of hair pulled Regina with her and she found herself under her spouse; uncomfortable and unworthy in a way.

“Mmmmm.” Another coo. As serene as Regina sounded, her voice was almost a counterpoint to the silent tears streaming down Allie’s face. Guilt had joined with the other feelings to accuse her.

“Why….” So many questions remained in a life outsiders would have determined was as complete as for what anyone in their right mind could hope. But nothing truly is settled as long as we draw a breath. Should haves and could haves often visit us and push us back to doorways and windows that were never opened or had been closed. Allie thought of another time years ago….

“Do you know how much I love you?” The young man said hastily even as he looked over his shoulder. An alcove in an abandoned hotel cum makeshift hospital could only provide so much cover. Jimmy Taliaferro was as brave as anyone you might meet, but he feared being discovered; his own misplaced guilt over rules and regulations that held fast and cruelly told him and Alan that they could never be as long as they continued to serve with honor. Ironic.

But life has a way of sorting itself out; half-truths sadly becoming all too real. The next morning didn’t greet excitement and hope for a bright future. That night; only forty minutes after they parted, Jimmy Taliaferro was struck by a Hummer driven by a man who had just enough to drink to cause inattention after a very long day, and before Allie Russell ever had the chance to stand before God and Man as Mrs. Taliaferro, she was left a widow with a very huge and fearfully irreparable hole in her heart....

“I….” Allie went to protest as Regina climbed on top and began kissing her. The roundness of her tummy felt odd and comforting and sad all at once as Allie turned her face away.

“You’re a parent, Al….” Regina said as she pulled Allie’s face back. No one ever called her Al. Her parents always called her Alan and then Allison or Allie. Only the lover from her past. The husband she should have had. And the feelings of betrayal and disloyalty over a memory that was slowly fading; more guilty and shame just for enjoying what life had brought to her in the woman who sought to comfort.

“You know you’re a mother, right?” Regina said; almost playful but for a near-serious look. She kissed Allie’s nose.

“NO…I’m not. I’m….. I’m nothing. I’m not a father…not a mother. Dear God, Reg….I’m not even a woman.” She went to get out from under Regina but the woman would have nothing of that. She pinned Allie’s arms against her breast and leaned closer; a look crossed her face that shouted ‘this is for you own good.’

“You are my wife and I am your wife and we are going to be mothers to the child you gave to me to bear. I don’t care what came before this moment so long as you understand that this is what was intended for us all along. Not the past…. Not any other person.” A look of hurt and confusion grew as Allie began to cry without words. Regina shook her head.

“I’m sorry Jimmy got killed, Al….but what do you think he would say if he saw you now? Aren’t you exactly who both of you dreamed? Aren’t you the woman he loved?” Regina put her head on Allie’s chest and began to sob. For the two of them. For a man she had never met. For the child in her womb. Allie pulled her hand from Regina’s grasp and touched her cheek.

“I know he loved you, Al….” Regina spoke haltingly as her sobbing ebbed. That name again. What would have been almost a cruel invective from anyone echoed the blessing it had been years before. She wasn’t replacing Jimmy; Regina Marie Russell-Cannizaro had succeeded her predecessor. His shoes weren’t too big to fill since no one was ever intended to fill them. She followed in the path he had started alongside Allie; continuing where he left off.

“I’ve been…. I wanted to ask you….” Regina said; her hesitation from hope rather than fear. She looked into Allie’s eyes and saw a growing peace that couldn’t have come from her words alone. Somewhere else in time and space a soft tenor had joined her alto to sing to the woman in her arms. A blessing that became apparent as Allie began to smile even as her own crying subsided.

“Yes?” Allie almost whispered; only a small bit of apprehension mixed a great deal of hope of her own.

“Since the little ones are going to be coming soon, I think it’s time we settled on a name, okay?” Regina lowered her gaze slightly in apology. Now it was Allie’s turn to coax and encourage. She reached up and pulled Regina into a kiss. First on the lips; softly and tentatively. Then on the cheek just in front of Regina’s right ear.

“I….the girl should be named for your Nana. Julianna? Would that be okay?” Allie kissed her cheek again.

“Yes….that would be wonderful. May…May I ….” She smiled with an odd almost elfin grin. Allie tilted her head slightly and squinted in suspicious if happy anticipation. Regina nodded and her smile grew wider. She looked away as her tears welled once again in loving eyes before she spoke.

“Our little boy? I can’t imagine a better name…..” Allie shook her head ‘no;’ that denial that speaks of the too wonderful to be true feeling we all have at the best times. Regina nodded even as her tears spilled onto Allie’s cheek. She smiled once more and spoke one word.

“Jimmy?” Allie began to sob; release from the past to accept the blessing of the present and hope for the future. Regina fell into Allie’s arms and the two wept tears of sadness and joy. A few minutes later Regina lay on her side. Allie’s head was resting on a pillow wedged against Regina’ body; both still crying as Allie’s tears cascaded down the large refuge that enveloped their babies. Regina stroked her hair and resumed the cooing that had begun the night as they drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

Next: Helen's Hope