Twice in a Lifetime  an anthology of sequels to Chances Are

From Helen’s Chance

“It’s….I hate myself. I’ll never be what Daddy wanted me to be. I’m not a hero….I don’t even know what I am.” She sobbed into Sandy’s sweater. The woman pushed her back just a bit so they could see eye to eye.

“I’m sure Helen has some clothes to wear, right? We need to get you ready so Jimmy can meet his new sister, right?” She beamed with an acceptance that only a mother, step or otherwise, can have for her child. Helen nodded before looking over at her closet. She turned back and the two put their heads together and giggled like school girls and exactly like they'd known each other all along.

Exotic Thai Restaurant, Davenport, Iowa, Christmas Eve…several years later...

As much as Helen enjoyed her time as chef, finally owning and running the restaurant gave even more purpose to her; as if she didn’t have enough with degrees in Psychology and Social work to back up her cooking. She smiled as her manager handed her a copy of the new menu. Traditional Thai and Vietnamese, which had been less of a challenge than she expected when she first started, but now with a great new Chef de Cuisine, she could concentrate on other aspects of the restaurant. Nom was more than personable and probably even more capable as a chef than Helen ever hoped to be. She didn’t mind, since she had learned very early on with the help of a great mother and terrific step-mom that nothing would hold her back if she had faith.

She nodded and handed the menu back to Liu and pointed at the top.

“Green for the font for the restaurant, but everything else is just great.” She pulled the older woman in for a congratulatory hug. Liu smiled and nodded back before gathering the menu and some other papers.

“I’ll send this to the printers today.” With that she went to walk out, but two men were standing silently and almost patiently at the doorway of the dining area. She bowed her head slightly and smiled; causing the men to step further apart, allowing her to exit. The taller of the two men was an African-American; a vaguely familiar acquaintance to Helen, even if she did recognize the clothing. Blue with a silver bird on the shoulder. The other man was entirely familiar; he wore a gold-looking oak leaf on his shoulder and a grim expression on his face, which was puffy and red. Helen stared blankly at the second man, hoping it was all a mistake.

“Helen….There…there’s been an accident.” He struggled with the last word before putting his hand to his mouth to choke back a sob. The other man stepped forward and placed his hand on the younger man’s shoulder in reassurance over something that could never receive any assurance whatsoever. She tilted her head slightly and her eyes widened as she shook her head no.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am. I am so, so sorry.” The older of the two knew Jimmy Nichols as his instructor in flight school. The younger man, Maj. Jensen Davis had been….had? Tony and he had been best friends. And Lt. Colonel Louis Washington just shook his head; putting his hand once again on the younger man’s shoulder to steady him. And Helen trembled only slightly before she collapsed into the booth where she had stood, fainting dead away.

Helen’s apartment, Davenport, Iowa…some time later...

The few remaining boxes sat next to the front door. Precious memories and unfulfilled dreams carefully wrapped and packed for what was planned for a brief storage. Helen stood by the front window, gazing across the street at the park. She sighed at the sight of a mother watching her little girl kicking high on the swing. Sandy walked in the front door and put her hand on Helen’s shoulder and squeezed.

“You won’t change your mind?” Sandy knew the answer, but still wanted her daughter-in-law to know she cared enough to ask.

“I …. I need a change,” Helen turned and recalled the recently packed pictures from the mantel; vistas and home life and faces from a time only recently removed. To say Jimmy’s smile was infectious would have sold him short in a way, but nothing in that toothy grin would do anything now. He was handsome and sweet and kind and precious; the love of her life was gone. Since Rita’s passing, Sandy had become a close friend to her daughter in law, and as close to Helen as her mother had been. A double blessing. But Sandy had so little strength herself with Jimmy’s death. Still, she tried.

“Change… I guess it’s something good. I’m going to miss you,” Sandy said. It was like just another death in the family as Helen prepared for her move.

“It’s not forever….” She still struggled with speaking the endearment, but Sandy knew that she would always be “Momma;” their way of giving both her and Rita that honor after the two married. And it was still a way she could hold onto Jimmy after his death by keeping that connection between her and Sandy.

“But this…. This was your hope, Helen…” Sandy stared out the window as if the restaurant was right there. Perhaps staying in Iowa could still be a chance but the papers all had been signed and the restaurant was now the dream of a middle-aged couple from Amana.

“I just need some time where I can figure out …. I haven’t been just me forever. I grew up almost without a chance of being me, and Jimmy and me…. we were like one person. I’m ….I hate being alone but I have to figure out what that means… who I am in all of this.

“You’re who you’ve always been, honey. Remember that …. No matter how you started, you’ve always been Helen, right? Your Mom and I …we…I…” Sandy began to weep at the thought. Rita had been taken from them all by the selfish choice of a drunk driver. Tragic at best; even after five years, but then to lose her son? But didn’t Helen enjoy that horrible sameness. Losing her mother and her husband.

“I….I promise I’ll be back.” She hugged Sandy and turned to walk away but stopped.

“You…you helped me see who I was….that it was just right, Momma.” There. She had said it. Sandy raced to her side and pulled her into a hug.

“I was so scared then…even to be me with my Mom….but you helped me then by giving me hope. And I’m scared now, but I have hope that somehow it will all work out. It hurts so bad, Momma…..Oh god I miss them but…:

“I know, honey. I loved my son, but it feels like I miss Rita more…and I feel so guilty.” She looked at Helen for some sort of forgiveness. The girl shook her head, but not in denial, but instead in anxious agreement.

“It feels like it will never be the same, Momma. Why can’t it be the same?” They held each other and continued to cry. It indeed would never be the same. But often hope comes not in what is retrieved or preserved, but rather in what remains or what might come.

Portland City Grill, Portland, Oregon, about two years later….

“Helen? You okay? You seem a bit distracted,” the petite woman sidled up to Helen and gave her a hug. Helen winced. Being the daytime manager was challenging enough, but Lelani Soriano was aware of the moment. An anniversary no bride should ever have to commemorate.

“Oh, honey….I am so sorry,” Lelani half-frowned as Helen shook her head.

“It’s today, isn’t it?” Helen nodded. Her eyes were only a bit red, and she smiled weakly and nodded.

“Come sit down. Evening shift starts in a few and it’s really slow right now.” The kind woman ushered Helen to a table at the back near the kitchen. She kissed Helen’s cheek and walked over to the drink station. A few moments later she had returned with two cups of coffee. She placed a cup in front of Helen and sat down facing her.

“I’m doing better than I thought I would. I guess… I’m so sorry,” she spoke the words at Lelani, but they were intended for another.

“Oh, honey….” Lelani reached over and held Helen’s left hand in hers; fingering the wedding ring that remained on Helen’s hand.

“He knows….you can’t help how you feel. And he knows you miss him more than anything. From what you told me he would understand...really, honey.”

Lelani’s words, as needful and kind as they were, did nothing to stem the tears that began to pour down Helen’s cheeks. From guilt over a lack of emotion to an almost inescapable feeling of being out of control. Lelani looked around the near-empty dining room. Apart from a couple of young women at the front of the restaurant, the only company they had were the other servers and the new sous-chef. Lelani got up and walked around the table. Sitting down next to Helen, she pulled her into a motherly hug; stroking her hair.

“I should have…I forgot, Nanay…. How could I forget?” Grief is hard enough to bear under the best of circumstances, but with everything else going on in Helen’s life, the last thing she needed to feel was guilt.

“He knows, babae, he knows.”

“But what about….”

“What about what?” A voice came from over her shoulder. Vilma Soriano stood next to her mother and placed her hand lightly on Helen’s shoulder.

“Nanay is right, sinta…. “She nodded at her mother and continued.

“You have nothing to be ashamed of. I will never be able to….” Helen looked up at Vilma and nodded slowly; not at the thought of replacing Jimmy, but of knowing Vilma would understand how she needed to stay connected to Jimmy’s memory while moving on. Vilma smiled and continued.

“You take as much time as you need….forever even, if that’s the way it will be, but I’m here for you whenever you’re ready. God bless Jimmy Nichols, sinta….” Vilma kissed her on the cheek and walked away quickly.

“Nanay? I’m so sorry….I had hoped…maybe it’s too soon? ” She apologized for something entirely unintentional, as if she had invited grief to hang on and interrupt her life. Lelani just continued to stroke her hair.

“Shhh….shhhh…..” The older woman whispered even as she looked back over her shoulder in time to see her daughter wave. As kind and unobtrusive as Vilma wished to be, she was not going to give up on Helen, no matter what or who might stand between them. If grief was willing to hang around, Vilma was willing to be even more patient; that idea that patience really means ‘far from anger.’ She wasn’t angry at all but sad instead for the hurt that Helen bore.

Helen’s place, Grace Apartments, Portland….

Helen hadn’t even made it to bed after work, and had fallen asleep on the couch. The soft, toned-down strains of Lara Fabian came from the tablet next to her head; the only other sound being the soothing purr of the small cat who mimicked Helen’s sleep with her own.

“Helen?” A voice spoke; the whisper still seemed to cut through ever other sound. And another voice.

“Honey?” Helen sat up enough to prop herself with her right elbow. Two figures seemed to fill her vision though no one was there. She heard the voices; joined almost as one repeat her name. She shook her head.

“Jimmy?” She heard no other sound other than the purr from the cat; louder still than moments before.

“Mommy?” Instead of a voice, she almost felt their presence, though she still saw nothing. But in a moment, a peace she had sought for so long, even from many years before, filled her heart, and while she heard no other words, she still heard two words in her heart; spoken in unison in a visitation, perhaps, but really in a dream of her own making and need....and hope.

“It’s time.”

Two years later…Portland State University….

“I’m so proud of you!” Sandy leaned closer and kissed her daughter –in-law on the cheek. She was soon joined by two petite Filipinas. Lelani Soriano beamed with pride over the woman who stood tall; cap and gown and honors and awards aside, she was proud of Helen for so many more reasons but mostly for one great one. She hugged both Sandy and Helen as her hand reached out to pull her daughter close. Vilma Soriano stepped up to the three women and as much as she could, embraced them all. A moment later she held Helen in her arms; echoing what was said only moments before.

“I’m so proud of you!” Helen looked at her and smiled.

“Are…are you glad you waited?” Helen said nervously. Vilma smiled through tears and nodded, using her gaze to indicate two rings on her left hand.

“I certainly am, Dr. Nichols…. I certainly am!”

Next: Lauren's Calling