Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

May 1- 7, 2016

May 1, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

There are only 60 pages left in this diary. I am surprised when I look back at it and how I changed so much. I have noticed two things as I was reading this. The first is that being a teenager was not what I suspected. So many people have had an influence on me. This was both good and bad. I could see that I would never have become feminine if it wasn't because of my aunt. It just did not just my aunt. Others tried to influence what I should wear or act. Was it their fault or was it my fault? I listened too much to others and this only confused me and frustrated me. It was when I listened to myself that I was most happy.

I visited Bella today. She was sad that I was being forced to go to military school. She told me that she was not going to tell me how to act or dress. Bella was however worried about me. She told me that even when I was treated badly, and when I was most confused, I smiled and had happy eyes. It's been a long time since she has seen me smile or have happy eyes. Maybe this was because my Dad was sick, or maybe I missed my mother. Maybe it was because of something else. Bella hugged me and told me to find happiness. Then we changed the subject and played a game. I wish that Bella did not have to go back to her school. I needed her.

Granny wanted to know why I did not accept Father Immer's offer to rejoin the choir. I did not answer her. Deep down I wanted to be in the choir. At the same time, I knew that Granny wanted me to be in the choir. She would have to wait until I decided. I no longer trusted her and was not going to do everything she said.

May 2, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Sarah was in a great mood today. Her latest video on youtube was a huge success. She was planning to do another video but could not decide what song she should do. I admire my sister. She does not care what Granny thinks and does what makes her happy. At the same time, she makes people happy. It made me think of when I had courage and did something special. I loved modelling. Now there is no way I wanted to model, I want to hide from everyone.

In history class, we learned about boycotting. It was an English landlord that did not care about his tenants. They had enough of him and decided to ignore him. He became invisible in their lives. This was now called boycotting, which is a withdrawal from commercial or social relations with (a country, organization, or person) as a punishment or protest.

Annie was teased a lot today. Noah of course told everyone that she wet the bed. I tried to console her and tell her it would get better. She had lots of friends and if they were real friends, they would support her. Annie told me they were calling her pee pants, diaper girl and baby. This made me think if she was sorry that she told me that she wet the bed. Annie held my hand as she said that she knew I did not tell anyone. It was Noah. Despite she was being teased, she was happy that I knew. Annie did not understand my humour when I told her "Welcome to my world"

May 3, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

After school, Annie asked me if I would visit her house. I must admit that this gave me some anxiety. Every time I visited Annie before, she dressed me as a baby girl. At the same time, she was being bullied at school and she was not used to this. Even her so-called school friends were not speaking with her. I agreed to hang out with her.

We had a great time. We did not talk about her problems at school or my problems. She did not dress me up or anything like that. We just talked about things. She did show me some clothes she just got. They were so pretty and looked so cool. Annie smiled as she saw my reaction and told me that I could not hide the gender-fluid side of my personality. She still said that I could have her old clothes. I changed the subject by telling her that she should show people the side of her that I knew. She did not have to put on an act to be popular at school. I like the way she was now and not when she was pretending to be someone else.

On my way home, I was thinking if I should have taken her old clothes.

Granny was frustrated and wanted to know where I was. I did not answer her. I decided to boycott Granny. I will pretend that she does not exist. It was more of a protest from my side. It was me taking the first step to take control of my life.

May 4, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

During the lunch break, I was sitting on a patch of grass with Annie and Andrew. The bullying of Annie was getting worse. It seems as if Noah was becoming worse. I think he has mental problems. As we were sitting there, I was joking by saying that we were the outcasts of the school. We were the black sheep. We were the weirdos. This made us all laugh. We could see that we were truly friends and would always be there for each other. After we stopped laughing, Andrew leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Then there was silence. Andrew was apologising. I considered it a kiss from a friend. The problem was that we were in the playground and everyone saw the kiss. They would not see it just as a friendly kiss.

At home, I tried not to think so much about the kiss. I am sure Noah would remind me about it for ages. I looked on the internet for information about the military school. It looked very disciplined and structured. The uniforms did look very smart. Some of the activities looked fun as well. It worried me that I thought some of the boys there were cute. I was sure that being at a military school would not be so bad. This did not mean I wanted to go, Sarah and me promised each other we would be there for each other. I would miss Annie and Andrew. There was also the fact that it was a military school. I was a pacifist and wanted nothing to do with war or anything that glorified it.

Andrew kissed me yesterday and I thought the boys at the military school were cute. It is obvious that I am becoming gay.

May 5, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

At school, everyone was talking about the kiss from Andrew. Andrew did not seem to mind about it. He started admitting to everyone that he was gay. I admire him. It takes great courage to come out of the closet and not care what people think. Of course, this meant that I was accused of being gay. I was so used to being bullied and teased, that it did not make a difference.

The bullying of Annie was getting worse and worse. All her friends that she had no longer wanted anything to do with her. She was called names and sometimes she was pushed and shoved. I was afraid someone would beat her up like what happened to Bella months ago. On the way home, Annie started crying. She did not like being teased and she was afraid that things would get worse.

All this made me mad. Teens can be so mean. They tease me for being different. Andrew could be expected to be bullied for being gay. Annie was now being bullied for wetting the bed. The doctor told me once that there were a few teens that wet the bed. It does not make Annie weird or strange. She will get better. The whole thing confuses me. I mean Annie was the most popular girl at the school. She had lots of friends. Now they wanted nothing to do with her. This makes me think that popular people do not have friends. They have friends for as long as they are popular. I only have a handful of friends, but we support each other in good and bad times. I am very lucky.

Annie must be so confused. She had no status at the school and her so-called friends ignore her. On top of all this, I could see that Annie was terrified. She does not want to end up in a hospital like Bella was.

May 6, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Everyone at school thinks that I am gay. They don’t even ask. They just call me the worse names that people call gays. In a way it makes me smile as it's good they are certain about my sexual identity. I am not even sure if I am gay or not. It's funny how people come to a conclusion after one kiss.

When I came home, Granny was arguing with Sarah again. It was Granny threatening Sarah not to do a video for youtube again. Sarah wanted to know why she was not allowed. People liked when she sang and thought she was good. She made people happy. Why was it so bad? This to me seemed like a good question. It was not bad for Sarah to do these videos. She did not hurt anyone. I think it was because Granny wanted full control of what we did and what we did not do.

That night, the ghost of my mother suddenly was sitting on my bed. I was no longer afraid when this happened or spend time thinking if she was a ghost or just my imagination. Mom told me that things will get better. She loved her children and her husband. She asked me to have patience with Dad and be there for Sarah. She also told me once that she did not like Annie or trust her. Now she thought that Annie was good for me and smiled as she said she knew that deep down I still fancied Annie.

May 7, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Granny was trying her best to be nice to me. I knew that this was all an act. I ignored her and boycotted her. This frustrated her. The more I ignored her, the more she tried to be nice. The only thing I said was that Sarah and I were going to visit Dad. Granny got mad at this and said we were not allowed to visit him. Sarah told Granny that she had no right from stopping us to visit our Dad and how would she stop us… locking us in a cage? This made me laugh. At the same time, it could be something Granny would do.

Dad seemed much better today. He spoke a bit more than he had ever done since Mom died. He told us that the staff were very nice and helped him a lot. He asked us how things were at home. Sarah and I did not want to make things worse by telling about how bad Granny was. I do not think we needed to. Dad said he could see that we were not happy.