Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

April 10-April 16, 2016

April 10, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Granny was in a bad mood when we were going to Church. She was just on the phone with Billy and told him that he should go to Church. Billy apparently told her that he did not believe in God so why should he go? This upset Granny that blamed our parents for our upbringing. Sarah got mad and told Granny that we had the best parents.

After Church, Granny sat down with me to have a talk. She knew that I hated her and she knew that she threatened me by using my sister as a pawn. She just thought that I was too young to decide and tell the world I could be a girl when I wanted. "I have done some research on this," she said, "and there is not enough research. I personally think that you cannot separate the body that you have from your emotions and mind. These things are combined. Would you have been a sissy if your aunt did not force you to be one? Did you accept it because you thought it made you unique and special? Was this your choice or were you brainwashed?"

Later that evening, I was with Bella and Andrew. We did not have much time as Bella had to go back to her school. Bella noticed that I was quiet and Andrew told her that he was told by Annie that Granny was forcing me to accept I was a boy. I snapped at both of them and said that maybe Granny is doing the right thing. Maybe I was brainwashed by Aunty, doctors and the media. I never liked people thinking I was a girl before Aunty changed me. Bella told me that this was not me talking. It was Granny talking through me. I left in a rage. People would never accept me and would always want me to be one way or another way.

I thought that maybe had some compassion and cared about me. Other times I doubted this. Later tonight she told everyone that since Aunty had gone and Dad was not capable of taking care of us, she would be seeking custody of us. Sarah shouted no and ran out of the room. I said nothing

April 11, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Why Did Dad not say anything when Granny say that she wanted custody of us? Why did I just accept what Granny told me? Why did I not tell her that I was genderfluid? Was this because she had power over me, or was it because somehow I believed in what she said? I looked at some videos on youtube about drag kids. I never realized how much time they used at defending that they were drag kids and how the world should accept this. I also noticed that some wore outfits that were very adult-like. Maybe Granny was right. It could be immoral.

After school, Granny took me to the hairdressers. She was still trying to show me that she could be nice and told me my hair would not be so short. When I looked in the mirror, I could see it was a lot shorter. They called it a pageboy style. I did not know if I liked it or not. It did not make me look like a boy. Some would be confused if I was a boy or a girl.

Annie was waiting for me when I came home. She was shocked that I cut my hair. When we were alone, she asked me if I was now Granny's slave. She wanted to know if I was afraid of Granny. I told her I did not want to speak about it. In a way, I was but I also could see Granny's reasoning. Annie told me that she bought some of her clothes. I looked at them and thought they looked so pretty. Despite how much I liked them, Annie was told to take them home. Annie sighed at this and told me that she was so worried about me.

April 12, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Everyone noticed my shorter hair at school. Andrew said it made me look like a tomboy. Noah went as far as to push me against the wall and tell me that I can stop trying to be normal. It was far too late for that. He shouted so everyone could hear that I would never be accepted and would never have real friends. Everyone at school would see me as a sissy and a baby that just was mentally disturbed. I went to the bathroom and cried for a long time.

Today was not all that bad. The video that Sarah did went viral. People loved her voice and thought it was sweet that we made a video where we remembered our mother. We showed the video to Dad hoping it would make him smile. He did not react. He just looked at it with blank eyes.

April 13 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I could not concentrate at school. For the last year, I have been confused as to my identity. I was born as a boy and yet wanted to dress and act like a girl. I was so happy when I finally accepted that I was genderfluid. I loved looking pretty and loved doing the talent show. Now Granny managed to convince me that it was wrong. It made me an outsider and it screwed with my mind that I could not see the difference between good and wrong. The problem is that people still were telling me how I should look and feel.

I decided during a class where I should be understanding maths that I would do what I felt and let people have what opinions they had. I was happy before when I did this and I could be happy again. I was a boy now and it was time for me to live the identity that God gave me. I just needed some hobbies that would help me live a normal life and try to forget everything that happened in the last year.

Billy visited after school. Sarah told him that Granny took all my girl things. Billy told me that he used to think that this should be done long ago. However now he thought that my happiness was more important than whether I wore a dress or not. He wanted to know why I did not stand up to Granny. "You stood up to everyone else including Dad when you insisted you were genderfluid," he said. I told him that maybe it was time for me to grow up and stop fighting social norms. I tried to convince him that I was happy. I do not think Billy believed me. He sighed and told me that I was the most complicated person he ever met.

April 14 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today started with a huge drama. Dad was not home. So we all went out searching for him. I was very worried about him. He was no longer the Dad that I knew or needed. Sarah could not stop crying. She kept on saying that he was dead like her mother was. I used more time consoling Sarah than looking for Dad.

We could not find him. When we came home, he was there. Granny said that he was found sleeping by moms grave. I felt sorry for Dad, Not only did it rain all night, but it seemed so sad that he had done this. Granny told us to go to school and she would think about how we could help him. On the way to school, Sarah was telling me she did not trust Granny. I smiled back and said that maybe Granny did have a heart after all.

Annie wanted to speak to me after school. She admitted that she was confused about why I accepted what Granny did to me and why I did not fight back. I told her that the genderfluid days were just a phase and I was happy being a boy. Annie smiled and told me that even as a boy I was cute. I was blushing as she told me that she was always there if I needed someone to talk to.

Life is a constant change and people change. I could see how I was changing and I could see that Annie changed a lot. I remembered when I had a crush on her and to be honest, I think that I still had a crush on her!

April 15 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

The teacher asked me to speak with her after class. She wanted to know if I was OK as she thought that I was different. I laughed and told her that I was different. I no longer wore a girl's uniform. The teacher wanted to know if I was being forced. I looked down at the floor as I told her that this was my own choice. It was also getting annoying that no one believed me when I told them that the genderfluid days were over and I was happy.

When I came home. Sarah was also on my case. She told me that Granny was an evil witch and was worse than the witches in Disney. She should not force me to be someone that I was not. I got mad at my sister and asked her if she ever considered that Granny was just helping me. She opened my mind to what I was doing wrong and she cared about me so that I would not be despised and everyone thinking that I was weird. I asked Sarah if she ever considered that Aunty brainwashed me and I was doing all the genderfluid things to cope with the fact that I was not popular at school. It was a deep black hole that I was sinking in. Granny saved me.

Sarah thought for a minute and then said, "Or maybe it's because you have no fight left in you and you now let Granny decide who you are."

April 16 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today was a day when I felt like an orphan. I was with Andrew, Bella and Annie and this was fun. It helped that no one discussed my gender and we had fun baking a cake.

When I came home, Sarah was crying. She told me that some men came and took Dad away. Granny tried to explain that Dad would now be getting help at a psychiatric hospital and would come home when he felt better.

Sarah was yelling at Granny telling her she killed my mom, and now made my dad leave as well as killing my spirit. I did not say anything. I went to my room and started crying.