Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

March 20-26, 2016

March 20, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

I woke up smiling today. For the last 8 months, I have been confused about my gender identity. People judged me and thought I was weird. This did not make any difference. I was different from others. I have finally accepted this. I had a few friends that supported me and were there when I most needed them. I was blessed with a sister like Sarah. The most important thing was that I loved myself and was proud of who I was. If people did not like this, then that was their problem.

It was hard being in Church. Dad still stayed at home, It was hard for me to sit and watch the choir sing. They got their wish that I would no longer be in the choir. I was so sad when it happened but now I decided to be positive in life. When one door is closed, another door is opened. I may not be able to sing in the choir anymore, but this must have meant that other things were waiting for me,

I was speaking with Andrew after church. He was happy that I was once again positive and smiling. When Andrew told me that I was an expert in feeling sorry for myself and being the victim, I could see his point. I gave him a hug for being such a good friend. It did not bother me who saw me hugging him. It did bother granny. She told me that she was sure that he was “one of those homosexuals” and he was a bad friend to have. I just shrugged my shoulder at her comments. What did she know about having friends? Even her daughters did not like her.

March 21, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Annie told me she wanted to speak with me today. She had tears in her eyes as she said, “I have been a bad friend to you. I have treated you as a baby and I have embarrassed you so many times. I was jealous of how close you were to Bella. I was confused and did not know how to be a girlfriend. I treated you like a baby doll because I thought that this was what you wanted. I have no excuses for the way I acted. I do think you're brave and you are cute. You are nice. I do not care if you wear dresses or pants. What I am trying to say is that I am sorry for the way I have acted. I hope you can forgive me and we can be friends.”

Annie was crying and I hate when people cry. I told Annie that I forgave her. To be honest, I did not know if I trusted her or not. This being said, everyone needs a second chance.

Aunty picked Sarah and me up from school. She wanted to give us a treat so we went to a cafe where we had some cake. While we were eating, we planned how we would do the talent show and what we would wear. Both Sarah and I were very excited about the show. Aunty told us not to worry about Granny. She was just a dominant and bitter old woman and hopefully would leave soon.

I was more worried about Dad.

March 22, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I looked in the mirror today. While the other boys at school were getting taller and stronger, I was not growing at all. It was hard to believe that I was 13. I looked like a ten-year-old. There were no signs of any muscles in my body. I knew that this was because of the mad doctor and what she did with me months ago. I just wondered if I would ever grow or if would I look like a small child for the rest of my life.

The new teacher wanted to speak with me after school. She knew that I felt like a boy and a girl and this made me genderfluid. She also knew that I was being bullied.

“I do not understand why,” she explained, “I suppose some people feel uncomfortable when someone is different. They feel that in some way that a person with gender identity problems is being abused or has no boundaries. They do not understand how hard this is for you. You have to understand and accept the way you feel. I just want you to know that I will not judge you. I will treat you like any other student here. I will also respect that you are genderfluid. You can also come to me if you need someone to speak with.”

I did not know what to think about the new teacher's statement. It was nice that she respected me.

There was a terror attack in Belgium. 32 people were killed and hundreds of people were injured. I do not understand terror. They say it is some Islam terror group. I do not think that God wants people to murder others in his name. I felt sad for the families of those that were killed and injured. It made me think of what the teacher told me earlier, that we do not like when people are different.

March 23, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Something strange happened at school today. Annie was always the most popular girl in my class. She was also the prettiest. Today she was teased just as badly as I ever was. The reason was that she was drawing hearts in her notebook. “A loves A”. Everyone laughed at it and everyone suspected that it was me that was in the heart. I was a bit confused. Did Annie still love me? This could not be the case. When we were boyfriend and girlfriend, it did not work. Annie treated me as a doll when she insisted that I wore a diaper and a dress when I visited her. Annie did indeed apologise for this. This being said, did she still love me or did she miss me as her living doll?

I thought a lot about this while the others were teasing Annie. During lunch break I found her sitting by herself. I sat down next to her and offered her one of my sandwiches. We did not say much except that I told her that being teased was like being tortured. I reminded Annie that she was very popular, so things would be better. Annie responded that it was the price she had to pay for wanting to be a friend with someone that nobody understood

Billy visited us in the evening. I suspect he visited us when he was hungry or wanted his clothes washed. After we ate, he came into my room.

“You know that I could never understand why my brother should be a sissy and be the centre of everyone's attention,” he said, “However you are who you are and you do not care what others think. I can respect that. When I was your age, I wanted people to like me and I spent a lot of energy on making others like me. I tried being good at sports and wearing the right clothes. I tried being popular at school. At times, I felt as if I was pretending to be someone that I was not. I respect you and the way you want to be. Mom also wanted you to be happy. I just hope you do not let the fact that you are a sissy define you. What should define you is how you make the world a better place. This also means having true friends and being happy.”

Billy was right. However, he should have given that speech to people that judged me on whether I wore dresses and mascara or not.

March 24, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Everything went back to normal for Annie. It was as if everyone forgot about her hearts in her notebook. She was once again the most popular girl in the class. Annie did tell me that she appreciated that I supported her yesterday when things were hard for her. She told me that I was a good friend. This made me think if I considered Annie as a friend. I forgave her for everything she had done to me, but could I forget it?

Granny was on the warpath at home. She wanted to throw all my girl clothes out. When she said this, I yelled at her to get out of my room and leave my things alone. This made Granny mad and told me that she intended to bring me on the right path again. She warned me that it was best that I shaped up and stopped being such a sissy.

I shouted back at her that what I wore and how I dressed did not define who I was. If she did not like me or respect me, then I did not care. I reminded her that no one liked her and she was not wanted. Why could she not just leave and go back to wherever her life was?

March 25, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Sarah and I practised for the talent show today. I will be honest, this was just as much fun as singing in the choir. Sarah had lots of good ideas and it was fun practising with her. Granny did not like that we were practising and told us that she already said that we would not be in the talent show. When we told Granny that she did not decide what we would do and what we would not do, Granny said that she would tell Dad. Dad just mumbled when Granny complained to him. He was still half drunk and in another world. He did have enough energy to say that we could perform in the talent show, as mom supported it. Granny was mad at this answer.

Sarah told me how hard it was for her to live without her mother. She was confused. Both Aunty and Granny were here and they both wanted to decide. Dad was still grieving and he was like a zombie. This confused my sister. I hugged her and told her that things will get better, and she always had me as a brother. I would never leave her.

March 26, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I tried to speak with Dad today. This was impossible. He was sitting in his chair. He has not taken a bath for a week and in one hand was holding a glass of wine and looking at a picture of Mom. I felt as if I should support him and help him, but I did not know how.

Bella and Andrew visited in the afternoon. Bella said something interesting. She was now good friends with Annie. She thought that Annie did all those things to me because she was trying too hard. In other words, Annie tried to treat me the way she thought I wanted to be treated. I admitted that I did not know what relationship I had with Annie. I was confused. Was Annie nice or did she just want me as her doll?

I told Bella and Andrew that I was once again happy. I was genderfluid but I was also so many other things. I was good at school, I would be good at the talent show, I was a good brother and I had good friends. If people did not like that I was not a normal teenager, then I would not let that bother me. Bella laughed and asked, “What is normal anyhow?”