Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

January 31-February 6, 2016

January 31, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today was choir again. I was still a member of the choir, but I knew that Father Immer would hear about what happened in the showers. This would most likely convince the priest and even God that I was a sinner. It did not help that the boys have seen me wear Mulan panties when we were changing to our robes. The boys started laughing and teasing me that I was wearing girl panties. I do not think that Father Immer was impressed, because he did not give me a solo. This was the first time that I had no solo.

Aunty did her best to make our life as good as possible, considering that mom was in the hospital. She tried to bake a cake for us. It's hard eating a burnt cake that was hard as a rock while smiling at the same time. We did not want Aunty to feel bad about trying to be nice to us. I could see that Aunty was trying her best. She was not trying to change me or take me to mad scientists. It just proved that some people can change and learn from their mistakes.

February 1, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Bella would not be at school this week. In a way, this was good as everyone was teasing me about the shower incident and that I wore girl panties at Church. I was hoping that Dad would not hear about this as it was against the agreement that we made last week, that I would be “a boy” when I was outside the house.

When we came home from school, Dad told us that we had to have a family meeting. I knew that it was serious because Billy was there. Dad told us that mom would be coming home on Wednesday. We were all happy and excited. This stopped when we noticed that Dad was silent and not smiling. We stopped talking and asked Dad was there a problem? After some silence, Dad told us that Mom was very sick. She was so sick that she only had a few weeks to live. He did tell us what the sickness was called, but it was some doctor word that I could not remember.

It was hard to believe that our mother would die within a few weeks. She did not want to die in a hospital and wanted to spend her last days at home. My mind was blank as I thought that this could not be true. I loved my mom and needed her. I could not accept the fact that I would soon have no mom.

I hid in my room until it was supper time. I found a Sunday dress that I remember mom loved when we shopped. I did nothing except sit on my bed holding my doll. I felt like crying but knew that if I cried, I would be accepting the fact that mom was going to die.

At dinner, I asked Aunty if I could have a sippy cup. I do not know why I did this. Maybe it was because I wanted to turn back the time and have my mother taking care of me.

February 2, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I woke up and noticed that I wet the bed. I was convinced that my body was regressing to wanting to be a toddler. I tried not to think about it. I took my wet sheets and put them in the hamper. Aunty noticed it and told me not to worry. It did not mean that I was a baby or regressing, it simply was my body reacting to all the stress in my life.

I sat alone at recess today. I did not even feel like talking with Andrew. Aunty was right... there was a lot of things happening in my life. I did not understand how I could be so happy a few weeks ago and so unhappy now. My life was going perfect. I have accepted my identity as genderfluid, and I had a great family. Since then, Bella was bullied so much that she has not been in school lately, I was being teased and bullied and may even be kicked out of the choir. The worse thing was that mom was on her deathbed. I could not imagine a world without mom. I did not even want to think how this would feel. Why did life have to be so hard?

When I came home from school, Dad was fighting with aunty. He was telling her that he was disappointed that I wet the bed again and thought Aunty was behind it. I interrupted their fight and said that aunty had nothing to do with the bedwetting. It just happened. It did not mean that I was becoming a baby.

February 3, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I did not wet the bed today.

Mom came home today. She looked so weak and so pale. Sarah was very quiet and it looked as if she could cry at any time. Aunty and Dad helped mom. Dad put a bed in the sitting room. This would mean that mom was around us all the time and she did not have to use the stairs. Within no time, mom was in bed. I thought she was very brave as she was smiling and acting as if nothing was wrong.

While Aunty and Dad spoke with mom, I had an idea. I told Sarah that we should dress up as this would make our mom happy. So we put on the best dress that we had. Sarah's dress was a red satin one and my dress was a white one with a pink bow. We also wore tights, so it did look like we were two princesses. Sarah started crying and told me she could not be as brave as me. I told Sarah that this was the worse experience in my life and started crying as well. For the next hour, we did not say a word. We just hugged each other as we cried.

We finally went down to mom. She must have seen how red our eyes were. She smiled at the way we were dressed and said we looked so pretty. However, we needed help with our hair. So in the next hour, Mom sat on the edge of the bed and fixed our hair. We did not talk about her sickness. When we were done, mom told us that we should not be sad and feel sorry for her or ourselves. We should cherish every day we had.

February 4, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Everyone was talking about Valentine's day today. It was a day when we could express our love for each other. I had a girlfriend, and that did not go well. I kissed Bella, but we agreed it was not done because of romance, it was done because we were soulmates. Who needed love? I doubted very much that I would ever find true love. One just had to look at my relationship with Annie. I had a crush on a girl who was incapable of thinking about others. She was just interested in how popular she was and she used me as her doll. That was not true love. Why did I even have a crush on a girl like that?

I visited Bella after school and we talked about love. She was also afraid that she was afraid that anyone would love her because she was a hermaphrodite. She also said that she expected I would get one valentines card. When I pressured her to tell me who it would be from, she just laughed and asked me did I not know that Andrew had a crush on me?

I told her about the gym and the fears that I had that I was gay. Bella thought about it and told me it would not be the end of the world. She asked me could I not see how unique I was? She thought that I was too worried at times and could not see what she saw in me. Concerning love, she told me that we were too young for romance. Good friends were more important than romance.

February 5, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

When I came home from school, mom suggested that I spent some time with her. I sat on her bed as Mom asked me how everything was. I opened my heart and told her about Bella being beaten up, the choir and that I even wet the bed. Mom was silent as she knew that she could not help me through the rough times in my life. Then she told me not to worry so much and to analyse everything. My life did seem complicated, but it was only because others could not see the true me. They only looked at what I was wearing and if I followed society's rules. It was pretty much what Bella told me yesterday.

Then mom talked to me about her death. She knew it made the family sad. She knew that we found it hard to accept.

“This is not what I want,” she said, “ I do not want to die and leave my family. The fact is that I will die. This does not mean that I will not be with you all. Every time you look at a star shining in the sky, it is me in heaven smiling down at you. My love and pride for you will never die! I will always be in your heart. In this way, I will never leave you.”

I was confused.. how could she be a star and in my heart at the same time. Mom then gave me a small box and when I opened it, it was a necklace. She explained that this was a family necklace and from generation to generation, it was given from Mother to Daughter. Now it was my turn to have it. I told mom that I would always cherish it and if I ever had a daughter, she would get it.

February 6, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Bella visited me today. She was not in a good mood. She told me that she was not coming back to the school. She was going to a boarding school that was for people like her. It was an LGBT+ school. I had no clue what those letters meant.

I tried not to be selfish and think of myself. I knew that Bella was afraid of coming back to this school. This new school would be a safe place for her. The bad thing is she would live there and only come home at weekends. I know I should have been happy for her and support her. I also knew that I would miss her a lot!