Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

March 27-April 2, 2016

March 27, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today was Easter. It meant that we had a week off from school. It also meant that we ate Chocolates for breakfast.

Dad did not go to church today. Sarah and I asked Aunty if he was sick and if he would ever be better again. Aunty tried to put her best smile on and say that Dad just lost the woman that he loved. He was mad that this would happen and confused. Dad was probably afraid of how he could move on and what the future would be. It would take him time. The best we could do was to support him and try to understand how he felt.

Granny overheard the talk and said it was rubbish. We all got over mom’s death and were having a normal life. Besides that, we now had her. Both Sarah and I pretended not to listen to granny. What would I say to her? Granny could never replace Mom. We did not even want her here. None of us would ever get over the death of Mom. We would just learn to live with it. There would always be a hole in my heart and I would always miss my mom. I just wanted to make her proud of me as she looked down at me from Heaven.

Sarah and I practised in the afternoon for the talent show. Sarah was a good dancer and she had a good voice. It was fun when we practised. It was just as much fun as singing in the choir. I will also be honest. I was a bit mean because I knew that when I was dressed as a drag kid and practising, it annoyed Granny. It was fun to provoke her.

March 28, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I slept in today. There must be a benefit of a week off of school. Another good thing was that I did not have to experience everyone at school avoiding me or teasing me. They all knew that I was now a drag kid and they thought this meant I was gay and would be performing at strange adult places. This was not true of course. I considered it a fun thing to do, where I could dress up and make everyone happy.

Bella was home for the week. This was the best thing about the Easter holidays. I missed her so much. She asked me if I was now a drag kid because I could provoke people. Bella explained that just like in school, people who have seen me perform would not understand why a teenage boy would dress a woman and pretend he is a female performer. They would think that I was gay. This got me thinking. Maybe I did like the idea of provoking people. Maybe I did like pushing people's boundaries and telling them that it was not wrong to dress the way we wanted to.

Aunty overheard us talking, and told me that I should never be ashamed of being genderfluid. I should show my feminine side when I wanted. When Aunty left us alone, Bella was quiet. Then she said that she did not know if she liked Aunty, According to Bella, it was Aunty that convinced me to first wear a dress. It was Aunty that took me to the mad doctor. It was Aunty that convinced me to be a drag kid. Aunty may well be acting as if she was reformed, but would she accept if I decided to stop showing my feminine side?

March 29, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I thought a lot about what Bella told me yesterday. Did she not like that I was genderfluid and would be performing as a drag kid? I could understand that she did not like Aunty. Aunty forced me to wear a dress when I did not want to. Aunty took me to the mad doctor that screwed with my mind and body. It was still embarrassing that I was so short. No one believed me when I told them that I was 13! At the same time, I decided that I was genderfluid. Anything that aunty suggested was just a suggestion. At the end of the day, it would be me that decided what I wanted to do or not.

Sarah, Bella, Andrew and I went swimming in the swimming hall today. I love swimming! We mainly splashed around and just had some fun. It was as if time stopped and real life was locked outside. It is strange when I went swimming. I felt like a little child again who just wanted to have fun again. It was as if the water cleansed me from all the worries and speculations that I had. The others agreed when I told them that it was a shame that we could not go swimming every day.

Reality struck me when we were home again. Granny told Sarah and me that she thought it was wrong that we did the talent show. According to Granny, the talent show was a part of the Liberal agenda that wanted to teach children it was normal to crossdress and be gay. The liberals wanted to destroy traditional morals and beliefs. This meant that Granny would not be going to the talent show. I did not care if she did or not. The only reply was that I told Sarah that it was time to practice.

Why did everyone think I am gay?

March 30, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I love school holidays. There was just one thing bad about it. That was Granny! She was constantly there and constantly bugging us. She expected us to be like children 50 years ago. She was one of those people that thought that children should be seen and not heard. Not only did she give me problems about being genderfluid, but Sarah also started to constantly hear granny's views and opinions. Granny did not like Sarah's style. She thought she should always have pigtails and wear fluffy dresses and petticoats. She wanted my sister to dress like a girl a hundred years ago!

The main goal for Granny was to make me a normal gentleman. For her, it was a sin that a boy would wear makeup and dress like a girl. Granny was certain that I would end up living a sinful life as a homosexual. I did not even know what I would do with my future. I did not know if being genderfluid was just a phase. Granny had no idea who I was and that I was happy.

This must be the reason why she told Dad that I should be sent to a military school to discipline me and sort me out. I heard about military schools. They were like boot camps that must have been horrible. Aunty got mad when Granny suggested this and then they started arguing about what was best for me or not. I thought it was good Billy was not here. He would complain that I was once again the centre of attention. The thing was that I did not want to go to any military school and I did not like when people discussed what was better for me.

Dad did not answer. He was drunk and could hardly hold his head up. I did not want to hear Granny and aunty argue about me, so I stormed out of the room while shouting at them to leave me alone.

March 31, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

I had a scary experience. When I woke up this morning, I could see Mom standing at the door of my bedroom. She was like a white cloud and the whole rum lit up. She was smiling. I was afraid and wondered why mum would appear to me as a ghost. She was smiling and said nothing. Her smile made me feel less afraid. I was sure that even though she was a ghost, she would not hurt me. She disappeared when I heard Sarah shouting as she was asking what we should do today.

Bella came over and we were eating what Easter chocolate we had left. When Sarah went, I told Bella that I thought that I was going crazy. I told her that I have seen mom as a ghost. Bella did not think I was crazy. She said that she knew how much I missed mom and it could be my imagination. Then Bella said that she thought that it could be real. If what I did see was real, then it would be something good. It meant that Mom would always be with me and protect me. The fact that she was smiling meant that she was proud of me.

Sarah came back and said we should practice for the talent show. We would be performing tomorrow. This made me very nervous. Not only would I be singing and dancing, but I would also be dressing as a drag kid. Everyone would probably think I was a sissy and gay. When I talked about how nervous I was, Sarah started to laugh. She said people would also think she was a boy and a sissy. My sister did have a talent for making me smile and stop being so serious.

April 1, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

The talent show was today! It was a strange day to have a talent show. It was April fool's day. So when they announced the winners, how would we know if they were fooling or not?

Aunty drove us and helped us get ready. We did not expect Granny or Dad to come. Sarah was very excited about it. She was planning what we would buy when we were famous and millionaires.

We both had our hair in ponytails. We wore a small bit of make-up and a bit of mascara. We wore white gowns with some glitter on them. We had normal sandals. They were not high heels as neither Sarah nor me liked high heels.

When the stage curtain opened, I just stood there. Would everyone hate me or tease me? The music started but I did not start. Then Sarah poked me as the song restarted. Everything then went perfectly. I quickly forgot my fears and was having so much fun. I was so proud that I could perform with my sister. It also gave me confidence. I was showing the world that it did not make me weird because I wore a dress. I was showing the world that I was happy and I was having fun. Towards the end of the song, I looked out at the audience. While some looked shocked, most were smiling and clapping. I even saw Dad standing at the back of the audience.

We did not win. Sarah did not mind. She thought it was so fun and wanted to do it again. I felt very confident and also wanted to do it again. Dad came backstage and told us that Mom would have been so proud. He was also very proud. This felt better than if we did win!

April 2, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Bella was going back to her school soon, so I visited her today. I told her that I did not like it when she went back to school as I would miss her a lot. Bella smiled and told me that I had Andrew and Annie. I thought it was strange that she mentioned Annie. Bella could see this and reminded me that I always had a crush on Annie. Annie now was a changed person and was being herself. She was much nicer when she did not try to be someone others expected her to be. She was sure that I would be happy with Annie.

Did I consider Annie a friend? Did I still fancy her?

When I came home, I could see that someone was in my room. When I looked around, I could see that all my girl clothes and makeup were not there!