The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1157 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

Simon and I were just getting comfortable for a five minute cwtch when the phone rang.

I picked it up off the bedside table, “Hello,” I almost chortled down the phone because of what Simon was doing to me at that moment.

“Mummy, can you come and get us?”

“Is the film over then?”

“It is for us–they threw us out of the cinema.”

“Why? What did you do–no don’t tell me over the phone, I’ll wait till I get there.”

“What’s all that about?” asked Si as I put the phone down.

“It seems the two girls got kicked out of the cinema.”

“Eh, what were they doing–throwing ice creams at the screen?”

“I have no idea but I shall find out when I collect them.”

“When’s that?” he asked blowing on the back of my neck.

“Now, “ I got up off the bed and began to straighten the few items of clothing I still wore, before redressing.

“Make ‘em wait for half an hour, it’ll do ‘em good.”

“After what happened last time, I don’t think so.” I finished dressing and grabbed my bag and car keys. “You could always come with me.”

What–um–yeah, okay.” He rolled off the bed and pulled on his trousers and the top he’d been wearing, slipped on his trainers and followed me out, grabbing his jacket as I pulled on my coat.

We chatted in the car until I spotted the girls and they came running over to the car. They were surprised to see me driving my own car and for Simon to be in the passenger seat. Usually he drove, mind you, I think Julie was surprised to see him there at all.

I pulled the car up the road until I found a spot where I could park and they could tell me what happened.

“We got into the film–there were loads of women in pairs there,” started Julie.

“Given the content, is that surprising?” I said quietly.

“Nah, s’pose not, anyway the film began and we had this group o’boys behind us an’ they kept kicking the backs of our seats.”

“So why didn’t you move seats?”

“The place was pretty full and we were there first, so they shoulda moved–I mean they shouldn’t be kicking our seats anyway.”

“So what did you say?”

“I asked ‘em politely to stop.”

“How politely?”

“She said, ‘Hey dickhead, lay off the kicking my seat’,” laughed Phoebe.

“I didn’t,” denied Julie, “I called him dickbreath.”

Simon snorted and I felt like banging my head against a wall somewhere private. “What happened next?”

“He told me and my lesbo girlfriend to do something very vulgar and get lost afterwards.”

“And, what did you do or say?” I asked as patiently as I could.

“It was her idea,” Julie blamed Phoebe.

“Um–well it seemed like a good one at the time,” said Phoebe shrinking down in her seat.

“What did you do?”

“We, um snogged in front of them.”

I had to admit I wasn’t expecting that, but I tried to keep a straight face while I could hear Simon trying not to laugh or gasp, unless of course he’d had a heart attack and was in death throes–it was hard to tell.

“Yeah, they made all sorts of obscene suggestions then, so I sprayed ‘em.”

“You sprayed them, Phoebe?”

“Yeah, sorrrreeee, I shook my bottle of Pepsi and held my thumb over the end an’ sprayed ‘em. Boy were they pissed.”

I wasn’t entirely surprised.

“One o’ them grabbed me, an’ Julie like decked ‘im with a straight shot to the side of ‘is ‘ead.”

“Yeah, me ‘and still ‘urts.”

“An’ that’s when they like chucked us out.”

At this point Simon lost it completely and I couldn’t decide if he was laughing or crying–it transpired he was doing both–I always know I can count on his support, except he couldn’t speak for laughing for ten minutes–and then his suggestion wasn’t what I’d have offered.

“Oh I needed a good laugh,” he said wiping his eyes, “C’mon let’s pop in the pub on the way home.”

I was so astonished I made no murmur of protest, I mean children I was responsible for had perpetrated lewd behaviour in a public place and then started fisticuffs–we should be punishing them, not celebrating, even if it was amusing.

Simon told me to pull into the Green Knight, and we went and found a table in the corner while he went off to get drinks–cokes for the girls and a St Clements for me.

“Why did you have to hit him?” I asked Julie who had some bruised knuckles.

“’Cos he wouldn’t let ‘er go, when I asked him nicely.”

“Did other people see you?”

“Oh yeah, all the women roared when we like, kissed.”

I’ll bet they did–why me? Why do I seem to find myself in this world which is spinning round quite happily and some idiot, often one of my family, does something stupid which disrupts everything? Okay, what they did was cheeky rather than funny–only a man would find it funny or sexy. I thought it was embarrassing. What would I have done? Moved seats–too many witnesses unless the police are called and then one could complain about kicking the seats. Why were teenage boys there anyway, apart from to watch the girls or women, especially in pairs who went to watch it–although listening to the critique of it on Radio 4’s Front Row it is a chick flick, but one which is handled very sensitively in dealing with same sex marriages and sperm donors in the US. They also had an interview on theToday programme with Julianne Moore, after which the interviewer declared himself to be star struck by the lovely Hollywood actress.

“Here,” Simon passed me the tray of drinks from which he removed his pint of Randy Stoat or whatever the real ale was called. I took a good sip of mine when he said, “I got a double vodka put in that,” which caused me to irrigate the table and cough like mad, much to the amusement of the girls. “I owed you that,” he said and went off to the gents.

Julie handed me a paper napkin thing which had been on the tray and I mopped up the mess I’d made. I couldn’t actually remember the last time I’d nearly caused him to choke to death, but I thought it was a pretty mean trick, and if he fancied going back to what we were doing before we came out, he had another think coming. Nah, I thought I’d have a lesbian experience instead, getting a girl to suck on my boobs and so on–only, I think when she’s only about three months old, they call it motherhood.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/today/hi/today/newsid_9134000/9134446.stm