---

---

Previously...with Danny and Vinnie Pearson...

"Mom can't know anything about this." Vinnie looked at his brother who just nodded.

"I mean if she finds out I'll just kill myself." Danny nodded again.

"How are you going to hide the bill?"

"I don't have to...she already knows I'm going to Dr. Phillips for depression and she won't check the dates."

"Yeah, between you and her and me, we're keeping the mental health profession busy, but at least mine is covered by the US of A. Knock on titanium!" Danny laughed and banged his leg with the hammer he pulled off the dash board.

"Just be sure you change before we get back to the Magliano's, okay. They'll certainly understand, but we don't want to alarm the neighbors." He smiled and patted Vinnie on the shoulder.

"I can't tell you what this means to me, Danny." Vinnie looked at this brother before looking out the window of the truck as they pulled out of the driveway. On a Saturday morning he was happy for two things. Dr. Phillips had agreed to meet him on Saturday mornings, and Vinnie was very glad that at 7:48am, no one would notice that Danny was driving his baby....sister to therapy......

---

And previously...at the Magliano home....

“I know…I just miss….I know I’m not a little girl anymore, but I still need you. I didn’t stay out all night, Mom. Tiffany’s Mom invited me over for dinner and we got talking. We just lost track of time. Check the messages…I bet you’ll find one from me.” With the confusion of the morning’s events, it hadn’t occurred to her. Giada got up and walked over to the phone. After a moment she sat down, her face red, but not from embarrassment.

“I’m sorry…I should have trusted you…especially you, Miri. It hurts me that you had to go to Christina to get some Mom time. It’s just been so hard.”

“I know, Mom, but I’m not going to get younger and smaller, and neither is Jerry. He’s got some serious problems, and you’d be better off listening to him than telling him what a good boy he is.” Adele shook her head.

“But he is a good boy…He’s everything in a son that a mother could hope for.” She looked at them both with pleading eyes; what more could they expect.

“Mom….you’re not listening…It’s not that he’s not a GOOD boy…it’s that….” Miri began to cry.

“It’s not that he’s not a GOOD boy….” A voice nearly identical to Miri’s came from the stairs, which creaked at the footfalls.

“It’s that I’m a good girl.”

Giada turned to see Miri’s twin standing at the foot of the steps, dressed in a copper blouse and tan corduroy mini over brown tights.

“That you are, sis, that you are,” Adele said as Jerry burst into tears…

---

The office of Megan Phillips, Vinnie's therapist...."

"So tell me how you're doing today...do you still want me to call you Vickie?" Megan said as she smiled at Vinnie.

"I'm....I'm not sure..." He put his head down and started to tear up.

"Remember...we're not about judging....here you can be free to be whoever you want to be."

"Oh...okay...” he put his head down again.

"How about we just talk and we can decide about the name later, okay?"

"Okay."

"Now last time we talked about your depression. How are you doing this week?"

"Umm...I...uh...."

"Remember...there's no right or wrong answer...just how you feel and think about what you believe about yourself, okay?"

"Oh...okay"

"Are you eating...has your appetite got any better?"

"Yeh...yesss?"

"Are you still throwing up?"

"Yehh...yess?"

"I need you to be honest with me....have you been trying to vomit?"

"Nuh...no...it hurts too much. It burns every time now."

"You've probably got reflux....Did you tell your mother about the vomiting."

"Nuuhh...no...not yet." Megan shook her head internally while keeping a straight accepting face. She decided to go in a different direction.

"Did your father call you again?" Vinnie nodded and put his head down.

"Is he still asking you to come live with him?"

"Yehhhyesss." He began to cry once again.

"You don't want to go live with him, do you?"

"Mom said I owe it to him...like....he's....he's my Dad you know?"

"Are you still afraid of your Dad?" Vinnie nodded slightly and turned his head.

"Mom says he's changed."

"Do you think he's changed?"

"I hope he has."

"Because your Mom thinks he has or you trust him?" Vinnie turned his head away and gasped a sob.

Megan switched gears once again.

"What did your mother say to you last week when she was upset about you forgetting to take out the trash?"

"I should have...she's got so much to do."

"What did she say?"

"She...she was upset."

"I know that...What did she say to you?"

"You....you...you're just like your father."

"The same father that beat her and you and Rick and Danny?"

"Yeeehhhhyes."

"Do you want to be like your father?" He shrugged his shoulders and moved back against the couch as if he had a chill.

"No."

"You're just like your father, aren't you?" She poked.

"No...I'm not."

"You'd rather be someone good...not like your father, right."

"Yes." He choked back a sob.

"But you can't be good because you're just like your father."

"No...stop."

"Vickie? That's your name? Because Vinnie is just like his father, right?"

"No...no...stop."

"If you're a girl you won't be anything like your Dad?" She said, switching gears.

"Girls aren't like their Dads, are they?"

"Stop."

"If you're a girl you don't have to be mean or cruel, right?" Vinnie's eyes widened.

"What?"

"Vickie can be the good girl so that Vinnie doesn't have to be just like his Dad, right?"

"Yes....yes." He began to weep.

"But you don't really want to be a girl...right?"

"I have to be...I have to...Mom...she just won't....she wants me to."

"Wants you to what?"

"Not be like Daddy...I hate him...I so fucking hate him...."

"He hurt you, Vinnie, didn't he?" She already knew, this was old ground, but like any good investigator, she knew it was good to retrace her tracks.

"Yes...." He sobbed.

"And he hurt Danny and Rick, didn't he?"

"Yes."

"And you don't want to hurt anyone."

"No...not like him...I don't want to be a boy....I hate it...I don't want to hurt my Mom...I don't want to hurt anyone. Fuck...I hate myself...please let me die...it hurts too much....I can't....I don't want to..."

"Vinnie...it's okay...you don't have to hurt anyone...you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

"I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to be so bad. I didn't mean to hurt my mom...she's been through so much and I'm just a fuck up....I can't do anything right..." He put his head against the back of the couch and sobbed. His face clenched and he started to hyperventilate. Megan leanedover and patted him on the back. Slowly his breathing returned to normal, but he still sobbed, almost a low wail.

"It's okay, Vinnie...you did really good...you worked hard today....you're a good boy ...It's okay." She wasn't blindly endorsing anything, but Vinnie needed affirmation. The affirmation that his abusive father never gave him; returning love with cruelty and unrealistic demands. His mother blamed all of her sons for the sins of their father.

"I don't ...I don't want...I'm sorry."

"You don't want what?" She knew, but it was important for him to voice his feelings. Anything he said at this point would probably have been timely, but he needed to understand why he felt the way he did.

"I'm so so sorry." He began to sob again. She smiled at him in a way that said 'don't worry, it's okay."

"I don't know...but I can't be a boy." He collapsed once again as his sobs took him. Megan sat back and blew out a breath before leaning over and handing Vinnie bottle of water and pointing to the box of tissues lying on the couch beside him.

A few moments later he looked up

"Does this mean I'm not a girl?" He cringed. Some of him wanted to regain some sense of the self he grew up with, but a some of him also wanted to hold onto the new part of him that was growing into Vickie.

"I can't really say. What do you think?"

"Maybe? I wish I could be what everyone wants me to be. Am I that fucked up, Megan?"

"No...you're not 'fucked up at all,' okay?"

"I wish I did better."

"It's okay, Vinnie...you did very good. I'm so proud of you."

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me
Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

---

Seventeen minutes later…

“Dan, do you have a minute?” Megan stood at the receptionist’s desk.

“Sure, Doctor. What can I do for you?” With no one in the office on a Saturday morning besides her and Vinnie and Dan, Megan felt free to talk.

“You know I can’t violate a confidence, but Vinnie gave me permission to discuss a few things with you. Has your father been calling the house again?”

“Yeah…He keeps bothering Vinnie…wants him to come live with him.”

“I’m concerned about your brother. Have you noticed him vomiting a lot at home at night?”

“Yeah…I asked my Mom about it and she said it’s probably some bug.”

“Well, I’m concerned that it’s more than that. Vinnie told me your father threatened to regain custody; and that if your brother doesn’t agree to live with him, he’ll make it very hard on your family.”

“Son of a bitch…O, jeez, Doc. Sorry. That’s my father for you…he can’t regain custody…the court ruled that Mom has legal and physical custody of Vinnie until he’s of age, and Rick and I are both legal…you know?”

“Well, I’m worried that Vinnie might have an ulcer. I’ve left several messages for you mother and she hasn’t returned my phone calls. Vinnie needs to see his family doctor at the very least, and probably needs to see a gastro doc ASAP….” Megan shook her head and stared back at the hallway where Vinnie was just exciting the restroom. He had changed into his boy clothes.

“Vinnie…could you give me and your brother just a few minutes?” Vinnie nodded and walked past them and into the waiting room.

“I’m sorry to put it this way, but your mother has been pressuring him to move in with his Dad…I won’t go into the details, but he’ll be talking to you as soon as you leave. Suffice to say that most of your brother’s emotional issues stem from the abuse you and he and your other brother went through with your Dad. Your mom is enabling him all over again, and it’s causing your brother to be physically ill. He’s compensated as best he can, but he needs more help than just counseling.”

“What can I do to help?” Danny looked over thru the pass through at Vinnie who sat reading a Manga book he’d brought.

“I’ve written a letter explaining what Vinnie and I have talked about regarding his health for your mother. I’m sorry, but if he comes in next week and your mother hasn’t set an appointment for him, I’m going to have to notify Social Services. You remember what that was like, right? Vinnie told me they helped out when your Dad and Mom were fighting all the time.”

“Yeah…they helped, but they were like velcro…hard to shake ‘em once they get into the home.”

“Yes…they are, but they have a job to do, and your mother has to see how important this is to your brother’s physical and emotional health. If she doesn’t arrange for an appointment, I want you to urge her to consider it, and explain to her the consequences if she fails. Will you do that?”

“I’d rather not, but I will. And if she doesn't, I'll call up and make the appointment myself...don't worry!”

“I’m serious. They probably won't remove him from the home since he’s already fifteen, but they will be involved in the family until he gets the help he needs. So talk to her, okay?”

“Alright….” Danny started to tear up and Megan grabbed his arm.

“Dan…it’s going to be okay…I know you’ll see to it. You still seeing Dr. Bastien over at the VA Hospital?”

“Yep…I guess issues for guys like me don’t go away too quick.” He looked absentmindedly at his image in the glass over the reception desk, paying particular attention to the scar that traversed his face.

“Vinnie says you’re doing very good…better than anyone hoped for. I’m glad for that. Say hello to Cilla for me, okay?”

“Sure, Dr. Phillips. Doctor?”

"Is my brother a girl?" Dan took in a deep breath, fearing the answer; not the specifics, but the idea that any answer to Vinnie's confusion was long in coming.

"I can't tell you what we talked about, Dan. I'm sorry. But I think Vinnie is ready to open up to you...Ask him, okay?" Megan really didn't know the answer, but it wasn't important at the moment. The boy needed his brother's help and Megan was confident that Vinnie had all the help he needed from Dan.

---

A while later in the truck on the way to the Magliano home…

“She tell you what we talked about?” Vinnie looked out the window as the scenery flew by.

“Just the part about you being upset about Dad and moving and throwing up.” Dan tried to ease the tension.

“Wanna get some lunch? We got time before we go over.”

“I’m not hungry…I feel like crap. But I’m not gonna bail on you like Rick!” (or Daddy, he thought.)

“Okay…do you want to tell me anything else?”

“Ahhhhh…no?” Vinnie said with a laugh…

“Yeah…it was rough…like when you said you talked about your buddies and when…” Vinnie looked down at the prosthetic foot that peeked out from under Danny’s pant’s leg.

“Jeez, Vin…that must have been really hard.” Danny looked over and saw tears in his brother’s eyes. He half-smiled in sympathy, making it easier for Vinnie to talk.

“It was like throwing up with words….like when it was over it felt horrible and good at the same time.”

“Been there; done that,” Danny said as he shook his head.

“I’m not sure of everything I want…but I think I’m pretty sure I do want to be a boy…at least I think I’m sure. Am I fucked up? I mean…here I am wearing a girl’s sweater and jeans to Megan’s and it actually felt right…but I'm not sure about being a girl….Megan says it’s really about not wanting to be like Daddy…the not wanting to be a boy part. We haven’t figured out the girl thing, but she says I’m sorta ….”

“Delayed!” Danny interrupted.

“Did she talk to you about this…that’s not fair…”

“Vin..she didn't say anything..…I’m going thru the same thing. We got beat down and fucked over by Daddy’s behavior and even Mommy’s, too. My therapist says that sorta slows how we develop emotionally. So if you’re fifteen, which you are…that means emotionally you could be as young as eleven or twelve, so it sorta fits that you might be…confused or just not there yet, you know?” Danny’s laugh was comforting.

“I went through the same thing when I was your age…never told anyone but Dr. Bastien about it until now…some boys go through it…thinking about being a girl or being like a girl. And some don’t….either way, you’re okay. I mean if you wanna wear girl’s clothes…Hell, if you actually are a girl…you’re still my sib…okay?” He reached over and patted Vinnie’s wrist.

“Thanks, Dan…you always know what to say.” Vinnie smiled at him through grateful tears.

“That’s because I figured out a long time ago that if I don’t know something…someone else will, and I ask a lot of questions. One thing though….” His face grew stern.

“What?” Vinnie feared the worst.

“You missed a spot of eye shadow. There’s a pack of handi-wipes in the glove compartment. Wouldn’t want to have to answer a lot of questions your first day on the job.” Dan laughed softly as they pulled up in front of the Magliano house.

Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
When you're the shining star
Even though it seems like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself
It's the only way

---

Meanwhile at the Magliano home...

Adele got up and walked to the staircase where Jerry stood. She pulled him into a hug and whispered,

"I know...believe me, Jer...I understand." Jerry turned and faced her and nodded before walking over to his mother. Giada pulled him into an embrace and looked upward as if to say, "what did I do wrong?" Miri noticed her mother's expression.

"Mom...It's okay...there's nothing wrong...nobody did anything wrong." Under any other circumstances she would have been thrilled that the attention was off her for a change. Instead she smiled and spoke softly to answer the questions Giada left unasked.

"Talk with him Mom...Adele and I can get breakfast going. I'll bring you two some coffee for starters, okay?" Giada nodded and the two sat down on the couch as Adele stood up. She kissed them both and walked into the kitchen, quickly followed by Miri.

"What should I call you?" Giada asked, looking into the fairly confused face of her son.

"Mommy...I don't know...I'm so ...I just don't know what's going on." He looked down at his sister's clothes on his body and grimaced in embarrassment.

"Do you want to be a girl?" She asked slowly, hoping to hear the 'right' answer while fearing the 'wrong' one. She heard neither.

"I...I don't know. It's like some days I wish I was different...like you." He became embarassed at the word different and his face began to grow warm.

"I know...not odd but like me and Adele and Miri?" She tried to sympathize. It was hard going through Adele's transition; she felt she hadn't done enough to counter her own neglect before she got sober as well as Mario's physical abuse of the whole family.

"Was it hard with Anthony...before he became Adele?" Jerry looked in his mother's face, expecting a quick answer. She sighed and looked up at the ceiling, almost calling out for help.

"Anthony...Adele knew for a very long time she was different. She maybe had some doubts, but she was convinced...and then helped me and Dr. Cruz understand that she was a girl all along...that she just needed help, you know with the right treatment and medicine and stuff...the operation was like...I'm searching for a word." She looked back at Jerry and he smiled and said,

"Completion...I think that's the word she used..." Jerry echoed his mother's sighs.

"Yes...completion. Do you think that there' something...missing, honey?"

"Sorta...like I should be more than what I am...but sometimes this doesn't feel..."

"Right?" Giada interjected, but Jerry's train of thought wasn't derailed by the pause.

"No...not right...when I dress in Miri's clothes I always feel closer to you and Miri and Adele...like somehow I belong."

"Oh...honey...you belong...you're a part of this family...we love you."

"I know you love me, Mommy, but sometimes it feels like you and the girls don't like me very much." He looked back over his shoulder toward the kitchen door.

"And when Miri dressed me up for the first time....I asked her to...please don't be angry with her?" His eyes begged.

"When I dressed up it's like I joined a club...like the club of the Magliano Girls or something....like you and me and Miri and Adele were all special...important...like I mattered." Giada's eyes widened as tears began to flow.

"Oh honey...you've always mattered. Always...I'm so sorry." It was like the two of them stood in the surf and the undertow of guilt and shame was pulling them down beneath the water. The lifebuoy came in the form of a question, bringing focus back to how and who caused what had happened in the family.

"Mommy?" Miri said as she walked into the living room with a tray with a carafe and some mugs and a creamer.

"When will we ever be over Daddy?" A very simple question without a simple easy answer except it was something that Giada had been mulling over for some time.

"Never, honey." Miri nearly dropped the tray at her mother's quick response. Giada laughed softly.

"But we get better every day." Adele and Jerry's disappointment was mirrored by Adele, who entered the living room with a tray filled with bagels and cream cheese and some orange juice and cups.

"There's something I think I need to tell you, Mom." Jerry said almost apologetically. With a sister who struggled with self esteem as a former boy and a sister who struggled with self esteem as a twin and his own issues of self esteem, Jerry actually knew his mother would understand, even if he didn't."

"I'm pretty sure of one thing." His words may have been confident but his tone wasn't as he lowered his head; once again almost feeling that he was about to let his mother down.

"This is good and all and I feel good about it…like this is who I’m supposed to be." He shrugged his shoulders and looked over at Miri, who nodded and looked at her mother as if to say...'go ahead, tell her!"

"Yes, honey...that's good...but what else...you've got that look about you." His mother smiled and he smiled back.

"I think...I think I like boys." Jerry smiled sheepishly.

“Really?” Miri laughed and stuck her tongue out at her sib.

“Okay…I know I like boys.” Jerry started to speak in nervous defense when the doorbell rang. Forgetting his apparel he rose and quickly walked to the door, missing Miri's frantic waves of caution. He opened the door. Standing in front of him was Vinnie Pearson.

“Hi…you must be Miri? My brother is getting some stuff out of the truck. He said your brother Jerry was going to help us with the roof today. Would you go get him, please?” As Vinnie smiled at the boy, his twin slid into the doorway next to her brother, having only heard her name being mentioned.

“Hi…I’m Miri…” She stopped and stared at Vinnie who stared at Jerry as everyone realized at the same moment what had just happened.

“I’mmmm….I’mmm….” Jerry stammered, trying in vain to hold back his tears before running upstairs. Giada stood up and walked to the door followed by Adele. Vinnie looked past her up the stairwell as if to follow the fleeing boy as Danny walked up the porch steps and stopped. Seeing the blank looks on everyone’s faces, he asked,

“Did I miss something?”

“Yep…you sure did, Danny…you sure did.” Adele said with a sheepish grin.

You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me (This is me)
You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing

Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

Next: Sisters

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This is Me
Words and music by
Andy Dodd and Adam Watts
As performed by Tiffany Alvord
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJlu6Y8w6M8&feature=related