(aka Bike) Part 1038 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad
All Rights Reserved. |
 |
The next morning I awoke and lay watching Simon sleeping, he looked so peaceful and even innocent. How could I ever doubt him? More importantly, how could he not trust me–after all, I’d saved his miserable neck a couple of times–so he owed me.
I chuckled at the thought–he didn’t owe me anything, he’d actually saved me a few times too, by having the strength to overcome his prejudices to love me. Stella had been a tower of strength and so had Tom. I’d done lots for them, but they had for me too. Stella might be a lazy cow around the house, but she did bump start my whole career in womanhood, both literally and metaphorically.
When I thought about the other members of my family, Trish, Livvie and Meems, plus Danny and Billie and Julie–they had all taught me something about life and possibly about myself as well. I was still worried about Billie or Billy or whoever he wanted to be–I’m not sure what transgender means, because I don’t know if it actually means anything at all, it’s such a nebulous sort of term.
All I knew was that he or she was tucked up in bed wearing a nightie with pink bunnies on it–which shows what a poor biologist I really am–maybe Trish was right the other day, some bloody biologist?
Of course she’s as pleased as punch because it makes her less of a weirdo if everyone else is changing gender–maybe it is contagious? I edged away from Simon–I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I see people making declarations on Gay and TG websites,’proud to be whatever.’ I don’t know if I believe them. I’m not proud to be anything but female, or even human, or myself or foster or adopted mum to my children, wife to Simon and adopted daughter to Tom.
I’m not proud to have been transsexual, neither am I ashamed of it–it just is, or was, and I always saw it as a temporary thing that I passed through. Perhaps I’m deluding myself--as I can never be a normal woman–whatever one of those is. Stella is, but she’s far from normal–I hope, because I can’t say I’d particularly want to be like her, except the ability to have children–and that is a temporary situation, which only lasts about thirty years. Okay, it’s a long temporary situation.
Aw shit, I’m going to get up, lying here musing just makes me get all maudlin. I slipped out of bed and went downstairs. I was sitting in the kitchen watching the clock tick round drinking a cup of tea and enjoying the solitude when the pink bunny wearer complete with fluffy slippers came down and intruded into my privacy.
“Mummy,” she came and sat on my lap, “I’ve been thinking–;” which probably means Trish has been sowing seeds again.
“What have you been thinking?”
“About my name.”
“You’re very lucky to have a name which can be a boy’s or girl’s.”
“I’m not sure I think so–an’ it’s not very feminine.”
“Well I can see one immediate advantage.”
“Can you, Mummy?”
“Yes, if you keep it the same no one will call you by the wrong name, will they? I’d have thought that was the sort of thing which could give the game away, don’t you?”
“I hadn’t thought of that, but what about those people who already know me–they might recognise me if they hear my name is the same.”
“They might recognise you anyway–unless you change your appearance dramatically.”
“How could I do that, Mummy?”
“Change hair colour and style, choose what clothing you wear, to make you look taller or shorter or fatter or thinner.”
“What, stuff a cushion down my knickers?”
“That would make you different and pregnant looking.”
“Ugh–I hated it when my previous mummy was pregnant.”
“Why was that?”
“She was always sick, and then she got so fat, and I knew she wouldn’t love me any more when she had a new baby.”
“How old were you then?”
“Four, I think, and then she died and they saved the baby.”
“So who looks after the baby?
“My dad I s’pose.”
“But he couldn’t look after you too?”
“I did something horrible, Mummy.” He began to cry.
I hugged him to me, “Hey, now nothing can be that bad.”
“It was, Mummy.”
“Do you want to tell me about it?”
“If I do, you won’t love me anymore.”
“Isn’t that for me to decide–and I thought we’d all agreed that we’d all love each other no matter what.”
“You might not love me when you find out.”
“What could you have done that was so horrible that you are frightened to share with me?”
“It’s very bad, Mummy.”
“If you don’t want to tell me–that’s okay.”
“I was a bad boy, Mummy.”
“Okay, but you’re a good one now, or maybe even a good girl, now.” I wondered if he was going to tell me about the sexual abuse–sometimes it screws kids up so much they believe they must have provoked or caused it. I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to hear the fine detail unless it helps him to reframe it.
“I killed my previous mummy.”
I wasn’t expecting that–so what do I do, wait for a full confession and call the police? “What makes you think that?”
“When she was having my little brother, I told God I wanted them both to die.” And they did QED?
“What makes you think you caused it to happen?”
“I did, I was a wicked boy and I should have died too.”
“I don’t think it works like that, Billie–besides, if it did, God must have been having an off day because the baby was born anyway.”
“I prayed for it to happen and it did the next day.”
“Why did you want your mummy dead?”
“Because she was going to have my baby brother, and I didn’t want anyone to share her.”
“So it was jealousy?”
He shrugged and continued sobbing.
“If you had caused your other mummy to die, and I don’t think for one minute that you did, how could we let her know that you’re sorry?”
“We can’t she died.”
“What if I have a way we could do it, would you like to do it?”
“Oh yes.”
“Is that why you want to be a girl–because the boy you, did something dreadful?”
“Dunno,” she shrugged.
“Did something bad happen to you, Billie?”
“My uncle played with me and made me play with his willie until some white stuff squirted out the end of it.”
“What did you think of that?”
“It was, like, totally yucky–I mean, I never have white stuff squirt out of mine, it was only his that did it.”
“I think all men’s willies do it, Billie, did he make you do it again?”
“Yeah, loads of times–an’ he used to play with mine but it never squirted, though it would go hard and feel funny. Then he put his finger up my bum and I squealed and Daddy came in. They had a tri’ffic row and I never saw him again–he told Daddy that I liked him to touch me.”
“So he told lies.”
“Yes, and Daddy believed him–I was sent away after that.”
“I see. Billie, I don’t think you did anything wrong either to your mother or to your uncle. I believe your mother died just of complications in childbirth, it happens sometimes, and as for your uncle–he doesn’t sound a very nice man.”
“How can I tell my old mummy I’m sorry?”
“We’ll write her a letter and burn it–I’m assured it goes straight to wherever she is now.”
“But she’s dead, Mummy.”
“Doesn’t matter, for an important letter like this, the angels deliver it personally.” I didn’t believe it, but she might.
“Can we do it, Mummy?”
“Of course, sweetheart.”
So that was what we did. She wrote a short note, and the two of us went up the garden to the bonfire site and I took some matches. We set fire to the letter and watched the smoke go up into the sky. Then we hugged and came back in and had some breakfast.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos!
Click the Thumbs Up! button below to leave the author a kudos:
And please, remember to comment, too! Thanks.
Comments
One of the best chapters
Angharad,
A beautiful chapter, thank you for sharing your wonderful gifts!
Diana
The Daily Dormouse
ALISON
My dear girl,you continue to excel.Just beautiful!!
ALISON
Thank you so much for that, Angharad
Thank you so much for that wonderful, moving chapter, Angharad.
Kris
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
For a non-believer
Cathy seems to believe a lot. But then, she loves a lot and sometimes we do and say things we're not really sure about, to make those we love feel better.
1038 and still EAFOAB sparkles.
Susie
Well that was certainly unexpected...
I mean wow! As usual, you have outdone yourself.
Great chapter!
Abby
Just one word ...
WOW!
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
Holly
Doubts About Billy
With all the trauma the child has experienced, I hope that the child is helped to deal with his trauma before he is allowed to proceed down the T road. In this chapter he faced really rotten male role models. Why would he want to emulate those he saw, and then his father took his brother's word over his own child, and that at a time when they are both trying to deal with the death of the mother. I am totally agast, and can not imagine how he could be healed or even led to deal with the trauma. I do not think he is T at all.
Much Peace
Khaduuj
Bike pt 1038
Once Stephanie talks to Billie about this and Billie tells the family, no doubt about it, Simon and his dad will make things happen.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
I would hope
that this stays between Cathy and Billie and also includes Simon and of course Stephanie. It's really not a good idea for this child to have to share any of her hurt with her siblings unless it's something that's spontaneous that (s)he chooses to say. Her healing is the most important issue at this point, and the family has enough going on wihtout worrying about making things "happen."
She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Con grande amore e di affetto, Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Gritty
A grittier episode than usual, content-wise, but handled deftly and with great sensitivity. EAFOAB continues to impress!
Letter burning
Ooh, I love my episode summary spreadsheet :) I knew Cathy had done a ceremonial letter burning with one of the other children before, and every combination of letter/burn/fire I used as search criteria in the archive turned up every 50 episode block. So then I turned to my spreadsheet and searched every sheet for "burn"...
Episode: 690
Published: 03/07/09
Summary: The interview between Sam Rose and Livvie and Cathy continues. Cathy helps Livvie to identify her feelings and conflicts, and Sam approves. Later, Cathy gets Livvie to write a letter saying goodbye to her parents, which is then ceremonially burned.
-oOo-
Apart from that ceremonial letter burning, Cathy might need to do a spot of blue light psychotherapy to help Billy overcome the actions of his uncle, similar to what happened here with Danny...
Episode: 852
Published: 24/12/09
Summary Cathy returns downstairs to find Billy and Livvie playing Tiddlywinks. Danny and Trish reappear – eye still looking sore. A few days later, Cathy tries healing. This time it seems to assist in psychotherapy, helping him lock up his bad memories and dispose of them.
EAFOAB Episode Summaries
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
A sense of déjà vu
I remember Cathy using the same burning letter technique back in parts 690 and 691 to help Livvie. It worked well then, and I expect similar results here.
I wonder if Cathy will pursue this uncle—the shit—he needs to be held accountable for his actions, and also to make sure that he's not presently involved with other children. On the other hand, maybe there's an opportunity for a reconciliation with Billy's/Billie's biological father at some stage down the track.
A&B, it must have been really tricky writing this part of the EAFOAB series. Not only were difficult matters handled sensitively, but at times it must have been a nightmare deciding (and keeping track) of which pronouns to use with Billy/Billie. Thank you both.
Psychological Strategies
Bike Archive
Bike Resources
Very Asian too
We burn money at funerals and do ancester worship with that. Silly, I know but remember, these rites are for the living to give them peace.
Cathy is an awesome Mommy.
Kim
Hell Money
In many Asian food markets, there's a section of religious paraphenalia, usually just a few shelves, a few feet wide. In amongst the ceremonial offering cups and the incense and the plastic Buddha altars and Confucian figurines, is some paper stuff, some that looks like modern "play money" (and some that looks like ancient certificates, or maybe napkins with gold-painted edges, with room to write things on.) I find it amusing that the English translation is "Hell Money". I'm sure there's a good story behind that.
This image may disappear, so no guarantees:
We still have no devils Kirk :)
However, we have a place where departed souls go to which is not a hell per se but that is how it's been translated for some reason. The nearest approximation would be more like underworld, an eastern version of Hade's domain but is ruled by Dragon spirit Gods.
Kim
burning letters.
heard this one about burning letters and sending them to heaven before.
Yes, It's load of old twaddle but the ritualistic old symbolism is an excellent method of helping small children to somehow escape their troubles.
There is occasionally a similar symbolism at a higher adult level when adults are persuaded to try and somehow parcel up their fears, or worries or whatever, and put them in a secure place where they can contain them or control them or even locate them if they return to a need to address them later in life.
Dunno, it works for some.
Hope it works for little Billie.
One of the hardest types of transsexualism is where where the individual doesn't want to go all the way.
The individual want's to live as a woman, permanantly, present as a woman publicly, (Even so far as growing breasts,) but then wanting to function sexually as a man with another woman.
Sexually (in her head) the individual is a man but externally she is a woman.
I often hear other transexuals accusing such 'inbetweenies' of being frauds.
I wonder if Billie is one of these, (Like me.) If he is, the problems during childhood and early years are not so traumatic as they can be for a 'full transsexual' but in later life, living the lie and continuing to present as a man becomes more of a burden.
Well that's all for now.
Still loving it.
It'll be facinating to see how Billie turns out and absolutely vital for the psycho's to get the diagnosis right.
(I call psychiatrists and psychologists psycho's cos; but it's personal war.)
Still loving it Angharad.
Please don't ever stop. (Hope that isn't too much of a bummer to drape over your shoulders.)
Love and hugs.
OXOXOX.
Beverly.
And there was
me expecting a chapter about Stephanie's contract with the household, But what a lovely chapter this was Angharad, Your ability to surprise is as ever unsurpassed, Thanks for sharing it with us.
Kirri
Pride
It's a funny word. I've never understood why I should be proud of my country or nationality; I had nothing to do with where I was was born - it just happened because that's where my mother happened to be at the time. I have a few personal achievements of which I'm a bit proud but being English isn't one of them. So Gay Pride (or any other sort of pride) seems to me to be an alien concept. Cathy's right; being transgendered is merely a condition to accept like any other over which we have no control.
I'm possibly even more anti superstition than Cathy is (I don't have any magical blue light skills) but I empathise with her need to reassure young Billie. When my father was getting near to death he asked me if I though there was an after life and I merely said I didn't know, which is true in a way but I actually think it's so unlikely as to be almost certainly not the case. We have to compromise and lie at times when to tell the truth as we see it will hurt unnecessarily. You see a god isn't a necessary condition for human behaviour to be decent.
Robi
I'm going to
take a shot in the dark and say maybe the father might as been as bad as his brother. If one ended up a pedo then who knows what the father might have been like...violent?
Poor kid.
Bailey Summers
Poor, poor Billie. First he
Poor, poor Billie. First he loses his mother, gets sexually abused by his uncle and then to cap it all, his own father rejects him and basically throws him out. All this before the child is 9 or 10 in age. What pair of scumbags his father and uncle are. The uncle even more so, as he could be out there causing even more damage to young children. Cathy and Billie have a lot of work, mentally and maybe physically for Billie. Is s/he or is s/he not TG? Only Angahrad and Bonzi know for sure and they are not talking until 'forced to do so'. Great Chapter and very much needed to set 'the table for Billie' and her transformation or lack thereof. Jan
I read your very emotional episodes and think that
you'll have a hard time surpassing them but you continue to do it. Wow, where did Cathy get this wisdom? Maybe she really is an angel or has some kind of devine guidance.... or maybe she's a really smart, compasionate woman who loves her family.
letter writing
it might be i think someone said term twaddle, but it helps it helps
Appears no one in the comment section looks at asian beliefs much, In Japan they have tons of memorials/shrines where letter writing and placing @ shrines is taken very seriously. Maybe what they do is "twaddle" also. but hey us humans seem to be the only life form that seems to CREATE whole belief systems to compinsate not having to believe anything or worse, not having to take responsibility for one's own actions.
I don't think I like Billy's dad much
A pervert is molesting his child, and he takes the perverts word for it. A four year old is into sex, that is both sick and stupid.
Good thing Billie was sent to a home
Oh my, you reached out to us readers with this posting Ang.
Poor little kid, for 5 years he thought the reason his mom died is his praying to God for them to die.
Then the uncle playing with Bilie's penis and then making Billie play with his .
How could his father believe a 4yr old wanted to do this ?
Cefin