Smitty’s Sports Bar, Bel-Air, Maryland, Saturday, February 24, 2024, 11:17 am…

Several guys were shouting over each other, trying to comment on the feed coming from TV set over the main bar.

“Hey, Tommy? Turn on Sports Center! If I want to watch the news, I can ignore it at home!” Kenny laughed at his own joke before taking a long swig from the can of Miller that teetered precariously on the edge of the pool table.

“Get the beer off the table, Collins. So help me, if I have to get new felt one more time…” Tommy watched as Kenny placed his beer on the small table by the restroom.

“Shut up. I’m trying to listen,” someone shouted.

“Pay the fuck attention….Look!” Joey Muldoon pointed to the TV.

“We’re here with Elias Schoenberg; coach of the Johns Hopkins baseball team.” The man on the screen turned and held the microphone between him and the coach.

“This has to be such a blow to your team. Second best shortstop in the league…” The reporter went to continue but Coach Schoenberg held his hand up; more frustrated and sad than anything else.

“Listen….It doesn’t matter right now. The playoffs don’t matter! The game…it’s just a fu…just a game.” He paused and blinked back tears, leaving the reporter what he thought was an opening, but the coach waved him off.

“None of the guys is thinking about anything but the friend they lost.”

“He…he has a girlfriend,” one of the players said, “a girlfriend.” At the word ‘girlfriend,’ a boy behind Coach Schoenberg choked back a sob. The reporter went to speak again. The coach was not going to lose his patience, but his words were going to be measured and firm. He paused.

“Hey, would you guys just shut up? Has any of you seen Phil?”

“He usually comes in right about now” another guy at the end of the bar said.

“Turn up the sound,” Joey Muldoon shouted.

“I have never in my life, coaching or otherwise, met as nice a kid as Michael. His friends...his classmates…Everybody is heartbroken. At this point in time none of us cares if we play another game this season. That’s all I have to say!” He shook his head and waved off the reporter in dismissal before walking away. The reporter turned to the camera.

“This is Bart Jensen reporting live from Johns Hopkins University on the death of star shortstop Michael Biscegila...gone at twenty,” he said dispassionately.

The woman stocking inventory behind the bar gasped.

“Holy Christ,” Maggie Stuart stammered…” that poor kid. I remember when he was little…such a swee…such a sweetie,” she shook her head and began to cry.

“Hey Maggie? Take it outside,” Kenny said, prompting Tommy to throw a bar towel at Kenny’s head.

“No, Collins! You take it outside!” Tommy shouted

“Man… I only…” Kenny went to argue but Tommy cut him off,

“No, Collins. One more word and you’re gone for a month!”

“Can’t she take a joke?” Kenny pointed to Maggie and laughed feebly.

“That’s it, Collins. Shut the fuck up and get outta here.”

Kenny muttered something under his breath.

“Two months! One more fucking word and you can go drink at Wilkins over on Fourth!”

Kenny turned and sidled away, bumping into his best friend at the door.

“Watch it, Phil. Tommy’s in one of his moods.: Kenny walked out as Joey Muldoon hurried up to Phil and spoke.

“Are you okay? It’s been all over the news since last night.” Joey pointed to the TV.

“I’m so sorry man.” Joey bit his lip and wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Yeah? “Phil said.

“Hey, Phil? Anything you need, Just say the word,’” Tommy called out as he helped Maggie to a chair. Maggie looked at Tommy with pleading eyes. “Just like my Billy,” she managed to get out before dissolving once again into tears.

“Phil?” Joey repeated, “We’re all so sorry, bro.”

“Oh….” Phil said flatly

“Seriously, Phil. Anything!” Agnes, one of the waitresses, called out,

“Yeah, Phil.” Joey said slowly; his expression sad and confused.

Phil ignored Joey and walked over and laid a ten dollar bill on the bar.

“Gimme a Bohemian and quarters for the table.”

With tears streaming off her face, Agnes placed the beer and quarters on the bar without a word and walked over to console Maggie. Her sister Maggie.

A moment later Phil had racked and was holding a cue stick overhead in challenge.

Joey turned to no one especially and simply said “Holy Fuck!”

Tommy shook his head; more out of resignation than disbelief.

“Yeah, Joey. “Holy Fuck!”

As things calmed down, Phil turned to the now dark TV screen. He moved his head slowly from side to side and blew out a breath, staring ahead silently before returning his attention to the pool table.

---

---

Previously…

“There’s so much of your mom in you, sweetie. You’ll always want the best for Jenn…no matter what you may have to give away.”

Mickey nodded almost absent-mindedly until he realized Jason was talking about Angela… Caryn’s mom. But maybe that was just what he and Caryn both needed to hear.

Jason held his wife and his daughter, overcome with love for them both.

“I don’t know anyone as sweet and caring as your mom. You’re just like her.”

Perhaps that was the last moment Mickey would share this life with Caryn, but really, the girl was leaving behind a deposit within him that nudged him finally through the door to the person he was always meant to become. Mickey didn’t depart, but in that instant he knew that he… -- that she -- would be the best Caryn Elizabeth O’Connor she could ever be.

---

---

A few weeks later at the Picone home…

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

“Mom? Mommy?” Jenn arose from her bed and ambled slowly to the hallway. She called her mother again, but was taken by a wave of nausea. Connie walked down the hall and caught Jenn’s attention.

“Still feeling yucky, honey?” Connie asked as she touched Jenn’s arm. Jenn winced; more from the unexpected contact than from her aches. She started to nod, but another wave of nausea sent her running back to her bathroom.

“Evie at work just got back after a week of fighting that virus that’s going around. Get in bed but sit up and I’ll grab the Mylanta and some Tylenol, alright?” Connie didn’t wait for a reply but just walked back to the kitchen. In a few minutes she had returned with the medicine and an icepack.

In another few minutes Jenn was sitting in the large recliner in the living room; sipping a mug of Sleepytime Tea.

It’s been a long two weeks, Jenn. Dr. Jacobs from…”

“You already told me, Mom!” Jenn said with more than a bit of impatience in her voice,

“He’s a shrink. I’m worn out from grief. I’m worn out from crying. Got it right so far?”

“Yes,” Connie said in a near whisper. Jenn picked up on that, but things got worse as Connie began to sob. Jenn got up quickly and immediately teetered a bit, but after righting herself, she walked to the couch and put up her hands in apology.

“Oh, Mommy. I am so sorry.” By then they were both crying. Jenn sat down and leaned on Connie’s shoulder.

“Jenn… I loved Mickey like he was my own. He was…” Connie began to sob.

“Just like Daddy.”

“Oh honey, I am so sorry.” It was so sad that Connie somehow felt responsible for losing the love of her life in a horrible accident half-way around the world. Bobby Picone was just days away from returning from Afghanistan only to be killed while transporting Afghani children to the airport. The irony slammed hard into both mother and daughter,

“Oh, Mom… This wasn’t your fault. Nothing was your fault. I’m just… It’s…”

“Oh, baby…” Connie touched Jenn’s arm as softly as she could. Jenn shuddered only a bit. Connie looked at her daughter; the girl who barely had recovered from losing her fatheronly to move all too soon into mourning the boy she hoped to marry.

“Mom…Please…listen, okay? This isn’t your fault… But…. I wanted to be just like you mommy and now I am.” Too much like Connie. Jenn winced only a bit as she shook her head no.

“Why did Daddy have to die?” She looked away, hoping Connie understood.

“Why did Mickey have to die? Why, Mommy? Why?” She brought her hands up to her face and sobbed.

Connie felt helpless. She had no way of knowing how to help Jenn. No answers. No strength. The only thing that still remained seemed too small, but it was big enough.

Connie wasn’t terribly religious but she did have faith that somehow her god would see them both through the worst time in their lives. And just around the corner, as it’s said, hope and faith and love were just about to unite to make everything alright.

---

---

At the O’Connor house a few days later…

“Caryn? Have you talked to Jenn?”Angela asked as she walked into the kitchen. Caryn looked up from her phone.

“I just texted her. She’s still got that bug that’s been going around. I asked Daddy and he said with everything she’s been through it’s probably that her immune system took a beating.”

“You…you don’t think…” Angela said as she grabbed two waters from the fridge.

“No mom. She does sound a bit beat but so much better. She hasn’t really been able to get going…You know?” Caryn didn’t have to add the word ‘since.’

“She was only taking two electives this term. Mrs. Wells and Ms. Frazier just went ahead and gave her full credit for their classes. I…I just wish I could do something to…you know?”

“Me too, sweetie. Like Nana used to say? Come ho detto. dalla tua falena alle orecchie di Dio!”

“Ummm? Yes?” Caryn questioned.

“Your mouth to God’s ears!” Angela said with a soft laugh.

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Caryn had thought about it. But the more the new girl became herself, the greater trust she had that everything would indeed be alright. And the more she became herself, the more she thought about what would be best for Jenn alone.

It still hurt to give up any thought of a life that was more than just a friendship with Jenn, but Caryn had vowed to her parents and to herself and maybe god that she would take the adventure that came to her, as C.S. Lewis once said. That whatever her old self wanted, no matter how true and right it might have been, it was for Jenn’s benefit alone that Caryn fought.

“Take the adventure…” Caryn said absentmindedly.

“What, honey?” Angela asked. She pushed one of the bottles of water into Caryn’s hands.

“Narnia. You remember when Daddy would read to us? The Last Battle where everything looked hopeless. They trusted anyway. Taking the adventure that came to them? That’s what I have to do. No matter what, my adventure is to be as Jenn’s best friend.”

“Yes, honey, but I do remember how terribly hard it was until everything turned out alright.” Angela used her hand to urge Caryn to drink.

“Alright. Yes, Mom.” That part of them that was Mickey suddenly thought about the story. She tilted her head and remembered to a time years ago when her… her other mom read the same book to the little boy. She sighed when she suddenly remembered what Mommy Katie said.

At the same moment, Caryn said, “Jill Pole;’ once again aloud instead of musing silently.

“Oh yes,” Angela smiled and patted Caryn on the arm, evoking a start.

“You were just like her. Brave and adventurous!” That reminder became somewhat uncomfortable at first. Mickey remembered her own Mom saying the exact same thing to the little boy.

“But Mommy…she’s…she’s a girl…” To which Katie remarked almost casually, “Yes, honey. She is!” As the memories melded together Caryn realized that just being her…the new Caryn…was the adventure that came to both of them; the girl who always had been and would continue but also that new part of her who was destined to become her as well.

“Further up and further in,” Angela said, quoting the book. Caryn looked around at the newness of the house that had always been her home and repeated the words with a broad smile.

“Yep, Mommy! Further up and further in.” Mickey sighed just a little inside, knowing that sacrifice was part…the Lion’s Share, actually, of the destiny for both new and old. They began to cry.

“Oh honey? Caryn? Why are you so teary?”

“You know I will do everything I can to see Jenn happy. Please tell me you have faith in me? I want to make Jenn happy,” Caryn said. She paused

“I…It’s just that I’m afraid, Mom…that I’ll just get all selfish and let her down.”

Their premature departures and arrivals left both Caryns feeling that fear that was driven by misplaced guilt. And while Angela only heard one voice, a recently emerging pair of altos mixed in only a little bit of sadness as both new and old continued.

“I… it will be a very good thing to see this through, Mom, but I’m afraid I’ll never be happy.” Angela scooted over her chair and hugged her daughter as she cried.

“I know, baby girl. I know.” Angela pushed a wisp of Caryn’s hair aside and kissed her forehead while repeating “I know, Caryn, I know!”

After a few moments she pulled back just a bit from Caryn to arm’s length and spoke.

“I don’t know why or how, honey, but with god as my witness, I truly believe everything will be alright.”

“Really?” both Caryns asked; not in doubt but only with the need to hear their mom again. Angela kissed Caryn’s forehead again and smiled.

“Really! Now drink your water!”

---

---

A while later…

“Daddy?” Caryn beckoned Jason over and pointed to her phone as tears fell from her chin?” He said nothing; leaving her to say what she needed to say. His smile and nod silently eased her next words.

“I…” She pointed to the phone again.

“Jenn’s mom says she’s worried that I’m trying too hard…That Jenn just needs a little more time...”

“I ruined everything.” Caryn put her head down; her sobbing gettting so intense as to shake the table. Angela walked in and saw Caryn.

“What’s wrong?” she mouthed silently. Jason put his arms out a bit; palms up.

“She’s feeling guilty that she hasn’t…” he mouthed.

“We both know who she gets that from,” Angela whispered back as she patted her chest.

“Caryn? Honey? Let’s move to the couch, okay?” Jason said as he touched her shoulder. She got up slowly; almost like sleep walking. She might need to talk at any second, but what she desperately needed at that moment was a hug that went beyond ‘there, there.’ Jason walked her over to the couch and sat her down next to Angela.

“Oh Mommy…it hurts so much,” Caryn said haltingly between gasps.

Angela went to speak, but quickly dismissed the idea. Yes, the heartache she and Jason and Caryn had endured after Lisa died was bad enough, but they all worked though that horrible feeling of angry self-accusations from the guilt of just surviving. It wasn’t that Angela was wrong to want to comfort Caryn with the words ‘I know.’

Angela simply didn’t know. She and Jason had known each other since middle school. Life-long friends who became lovers long before Caryn and Lisa were born. No matter what fate would allow, they married the loves of their lives.

Caryn would never know that kind of love if things continued to go as they were. There were no guarantees that their daughter would ever be happy, as sad as that prospect seemed to be.

“Daddy? Am I a good girl?” The two Caryns both asked, but it was Mickey who needed to know. Jason pulled over a kitchen chair and sat down. Angela gently tugged Caryn’s chin around.

“Of course you are.” Jason smiled at his wife. Angela was a lot like her daughter, as funny as that reversal might seem. She wanted to fix this. But reassurance sometimes requires unnecessary proof; the hearing what we already know to be true that often bears repeating.

“Why do you ask?” Jason said; all the while smiling at Angela. She nodded that she understood.

“Mommy and Daddy think you’re alright.” Angela said. That word again. Both girls cringed at the thought. Old Caryn did have Jenn to lose in a way and Mickey had everything to lose all over again. But this new Caryn in him… in her did want every bit of happiness to bless Jenn Picone. Truth be told, it was becoming abundantly clear to Caryn Elizabeth O’Connor that they indeed had become the good girl both new and old were meant be.

“Mommy? Daddy? I…I have a secret.” Caryn wept; not out of guilt or shame or compulsion. Both girls wept because to be the Caryn they were meant to be was to say goodbye to Jenn. To release her to be whoever she was intended to be and to let her find someone…anyone but Caryn.

The kindest thing she would ever do in her lifetime seemed to be that her only choice was to let go of the only thing she ever wanted. The awkward teen who never confessed her love and the boy who became that same girl who had to say no to herself. At least that’s what she …what they thought….

---

---

Meanwhile, at the Picone house…

“Jenn? Are you okay? You’re awfully quiet!” Connie stood outside Jenn’s bedroom. A moment later Jenn opened the door; her face pale and wet with perspiration Connie shook her head; not out of correction or even out of fear. It was more like something her mother would say in times like this, but Connie only thought it,

Jesus, Mary and Joesph! This cannot be happening.

She gently took Jenn by the hand and led her back to her own bedroom.

“My sweet baby girl! This is not flu. It’s not a virus.” Connie walked Jenn into the bathroom and sat her down on the toilet. She started a checklist in her head before asking questions. Something told her…just how things were going.

“You love Raisin Bran but it doesn’t taste right?” Jenn nodded and Connie continued.

“You went for a nice walk on Saturday but just wasn’t into it yesterday? Right?” Another nod.

Connie put her palms together in from of her face; a mixture of prayer and deep thinking. She asked, or rather showed,” You…” Connie used her hand to indicate something coming up and out of her mouth. Jenn nodded again, but much slower. Somehow Connie had already known. She grabbed a Walgreens bag hanging on the bathroom door.

“You okay for some Rosehip tea?” Jenn nodded but added, “I think so.” Connie place the bag on the vanity and kissed Jenn on the forehead.

“I’ll put the kettle on. Call me if you need me.”

“What’s in the bag, Mom?”

“I think I’m in the mood for saltines. You?” Connie didn’t wait but walked out and down the hallway. She was just reaching the kitchen archway when Jenn called out,

“Not funny, Mom,” Jenn shouted. Connie hadn’t meant to be so abrupt, but everything in her being just felt that something wonderful was about to happen. She only just then noticed it had gotten awful quiet. She turned to walk back down the hallway when Jenn’s voice came through clear as a bell and awfully loud.

“Mom? MOM? MOMMY! MOMMY!”

As confusing and even more challenging as things were about to become, Connie stepped quickly to the bedroom and stopped only for a couple of seconds. She thought about her own mom and remembered another phrase from when she was a kid

“Grazie Dio per la mia dolce ragazza……Thank you god for my sweet girl.”

Connie smiled and stared at the doorway but just close enough to hear Jenn crying, She quickly added, “Spero che sia una bambina! Please take care of my baby,” beforer rushung to her daughter's side

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

To be Concluded

My apologies. This chapter got big enough so as to be unwieldy, I've completed Part 5, which will be the concluding chapter. Thanks!

---

---

Quotes are from the book, The Last Battle
the final book in the series, The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis

The Call from the Soundtrack for the Motion Picture
The Voyage of The Dawn Treader
based upon the book bt C.S. Lewis
Words and Music by the artist
Regina Spektor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNsQewlFtEs