From Jeanette’s Story…Kelly Walsh High School, Casper, Wyoming…

“Your insides don’t match your outsides…” Naomi said proudly.

“Thanks.” The girl waved and walked out.

Kelly Walsh High School, Caspar, Wyoming…..a few years later…

“Ms. Applegate?” Jeanette looked up from her desk to see a smallish teen standing in front of her. His face wore a look of deep concern.

“Yes, Jason?” Jeanette hoped he wouldn’t need much help since she was too tired to deal with anyone else’s problems; even if they were the problems of a kid as nice as Jason. He proved her point; albeit in a manner that didn’t do anything to help her cause.

“I saw you before class…. I was sitting in the back and I don’t think you saw me.” He said cautiously, as if he had been eaves-dropping .

“You …you were crying. I’ve never seen you cry before, Ms. Applegate.” She put up her hand to interrupt, but he continued.

“If you’re crying it must be important. Anything I can do?” There wasn’t a single thing Jason could do other than extend the sympathy he already had, which was more than enough as Jeanette Applegate shook her head even as the tears streamed down her cheeks. Not wanting to do anything that anyone might take wrong, the boy just stood there and nodded before walking out of the classroom; his own tears a way of showing a solidarity with her for which he had come to understand only recently after a trip to a nice therapist.

At the Applegate home...

“I….” Jeanette looked at Rick and quickly turned away.

“Babe…please? I know how much this meant to you…to us. But it isn’t your fault.” As he spoke, he stepped closer and put his hand on her shoulder, which she quickly pulled away; the gesture speaking of being unworthy of love and care. She tried to walk away but he gently grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand up to his face where she felt his tears. They weren’t for the disappointment, but she didn’t accept that and went directly to self-condemnation.

“Damn it, Rick. You should have just married Regina Petersen. At least this wouldn’t have happened.” She unconsciously looked down at her abdomen. His eyes followed the movement of her glance and he placed his hand on her stomach as he pulled her into a hug.

“No, Rick. I’m serious. She’s gorgeous and she can give you what I can’t,” Jeanette sighed without realizing she had spoken in the present tense; as if that was still an option.

“I have all I need right here!” He tried to kiss her cheek but she pulled away.

“What the hell can I offer? I’m not even real!” Jeanette wasn’t given to frequent questions about her ‘authenticity,’ but they did pop up enough to frustrate Rick. He sighed and hugged her tighter, causing her to try to pull away. Strength and love mixed together well, and she remained in his embrace.

“You’re the kindest, most caring person I know. You give me love and joy and wonderment every day.” She shook her head no in confusion.

“I don’t get you.” She did, but in this case it wasn’t a surprise, given her own lack of self-esteem. The face she presented to her students was one of confidence; even of bravery. The way she felt inside spoke of fears of falling short and failing; actually a testimony to how strong she actually was to put a brave face on every day in spite of herself.

“What’s to get? I married a pretty woman who loves me. How can things get any better than that, hon?” The question begged some sort of answer, but she went to her deepest place of shame and regret.

“We’ll never have any kids. Never. And it’s all my fault.” It was, in a sense, in that she presumed too much at the time of her surgery in believing that everyone was kind and understanding and open-minded. The adoption agency didn’t see it that way. Rick and she didn’t have the energy at the moment to seek any help and resigned themselves to the decision by the agency to turn them down.

For anyone at all, feeling rejected can be so sad and painful. Feeling completely responsible for the foolish decisions of others compounds that, and Jeanette was at a place of giving up, had that been an option. But God often finds ways of making things work where men and women may fail. Either way, the moment screamed for relief that wouldn’t come and Jeanette fell into her husband’s arms and wept.

At school a few days later...

“Ms. Applegate?” Jeanette looked up to see her pint-sized angel. The boy seemed different, and she realized he was wearing a bit of lip gloss and the slightest hint of eye shadow.

“I wanted to tell you that my Dad and I have been praying for you and your husband. Dad says that even when we don’t know why someone hurts, it’s enough to ask for help when they do. He said something about feeling a breakthrough coming. I hope that helps.” Jason smiled before taking his seat. Jeanette didn’t know if it helped that prayers were offered, but it felt good to know someone cared enough about her and Rick to pray. She held out no hope that any prayers would be answered, but to her wonder, they would be, and in a way no single person on the face of the earth would have anticipated.

That afternoon, Jeanette was getting ready to leave for the day when a girl walked to the doorway of the classroom. She hesitated and turned to leave.

“Carrie? Don’t go…come here, okay?” She smiled and the girl nodded meekly before walking slowly to the front of the room. Jeanette tilted her head and smiled.

“I…” The tears on her cheeks and the redness in her eyes spoke of more than just a teenage breakup or a bad grade. She also noticed the girl’s long sleeves had ridden up, revealing bruises on her wrists. Hastily applied makeup did little to cover up the darkening blotch around her left eye.

“Tell me, honey. It’s okay.” Okay meaning okay to talk to someone who would listen; the marks on the girl’s arms indicated that nothing at all was okay.

“I….we….I’m….” She stammered, shaking her head. It might have been providence; certainly a coincidence, but more likely something more divine than that. The girl wore the same look on her face that Jeanette had seen before; if not a thousand than at least hundreds of times. That look that says ‘I’m not worthy of love.’ The same look that Jeanette saw in her mirror every day. While it was probably a bit risky hugging a student, nothing could make things more painful for Jeanette than they already were, and she pulled the girl close as Carrie sobbed into her shoulder.

“Daddy found out….he wants me to abort.” A painful demand from anyone, but to demand that the girl ‘get rid of’ his grandchild? She looked at the girl’s bruises without comment and her glance was enough for the girl to answer.

She shook her head; the look in her eyes almost seemed to agree and disagree at the same time. “He is so angry.” Nothing else was needed to say, but the girl continued.

“Lonnie told me he’d give me the money…like he’s being….but when I….” Carrie bit her lip and pouted; a curious but understandable reaction since her feelings swayed more toward disbelief and disappointment than the likely underlying sadness and feelings of hopelessness. More for Jeanette to realize and then to step out of her own disappointments.

Responsible?’ Jeanette thought. Pressure and anger and hurt from all sides. She already knew there was nowhere else to turn to; at least in the familiar sense. A foster family might be arranged, but who knows how things would work out for the girl.

“I don’t know what to do.” She pled, looking for answers that Jeanette wanted to offer.

“I don’t know, either, Carrie, but we’ll think of something, okay?” The kind offer was accompanied by the even kinder and most wonderful look that the girl had ever seen and she dissolved in Jeanette’s arms in tears of relief. And Jeanette felt a sense of relief that was surrounded by an even bigger sense of gratitude and honor that the girl had come to her, of all people she would add. But really it was all about blessing even if she didn't realize she was the blessing as well as the blessed.

At home...

Carrie fell asleep on the couch and Rick covered her with a blanket before walking to the bedroom where he found Jeanette sitting on the bed nearly weeping.

"What's wrong?" As if anything was wrong at that point; they had rescued a girl in need and perhaps rediscovered the grace behind their sadness in the process.

“I feel so guilty.” How anyone who extended as much love and understanding that Jeanette had for the girl could feel guilty remained another example of self-deprecation in her repertoire. Rick shook his head and half-smiled. Nothing he could say would sway her from her opinion. It was something that she had to walk out in the midst of their decision. They had talked about adopting or fostering a special needs child, but their schedules were too involved. And if anyone other than Jeanette was asked, they would have said that her love and care for her students both in and out of class more than made up for any lack, as if that could even be a consideration.

The day before Christmas break...

“Dad and I agreed.” The student before her seemed so much more at ease now that she had decided to move forward with a period of transition. Jason had the support of several friends and her father and had even picked out a new name after finally coming to grips with her true gender.

“If you don’t mind? I’d like to shorten it but I really want to use your name? Would it be alright to call myself Jen?” It was nice that both of them got to get in synch crying-wise as both of them shed tears of joy.

And in the end of the beginning, it was settled. Carrie had moved in with the Applegates. Between home-school curriculum and tutoring, she would able to finish just a few months late. And It would have been enough to put Jeanette more at ease about their decision; on the eve of her eighteenth birthday after much wrangling with the system, Carrie Lynette Belasco would gain a new family and a new name. Carrie Lynette Applegate. Odd for a young woman to be adopted so late in life, but it ensured her of a safe and welcoming home for her and the baby she carried. Barely eleven years older than the girl; Jeanette would become a de facto grandparent. But the best was yet to come, to Jeanette’s supreme wonder; both to the love of a grateful child and an even more loving God.

Paradise Valley Christian Church, Casper, Wyoming, Christmas Day…”

“Ms. Applegate?” Carrie stood at the back of the sanctuary. Jeanette was brushing back a stray hair on the girl’s forehead. She half-frowned and spoke.

“I told you…please, would you mind calling me Jeanette. I’m not your teacher right now.” She laughed softly.

“That’s just it. You’re not my teacher right now, but I have to call you something…both you and Mr. Applegate.”

“Jeanette and Rick, like I said, honey, it’s okay.”

“Okay, I guess, but if it’s all the same to you?” Rick’s eyes widened in relieved recognition. He nodded even before the girl had said the rest.

“Yes?” Jeanette tilted her head in puzzlement.”

“I’m just going to call you Mom and Dad.”

Next: Callie's Victory

Count Your Blessings
Words and Music by
Irving Berlin
as performed by
Miss Diana Krall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJb-DSKAuMA