The Summer of Love of Linda Piontak Part Two - Broken Vow   by Andrea Lena DiMaggio   Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you see me? Papa can you find me in the night? Papa are you near me? Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you help me not be frightened?

"I can't compete with what you have; I put off...you know..." She looked down at her body, almost in shame. It hurt beyond words that he had forgotten about her impending surgery.

It was hard enough to compete in the outside world of music and school; she felt inadequate despite the assurances of her teachers and the department head. But here, inside, to compete with the pull of new opportunities and friends that Tony gained every day. And now another girl as well...a real girl? She felt incomplete, and nothing, even her surgery might ever change that. She rolled over, buried her face in her pillow, and cried herself to sleep.

"Dad....Daddy?" Linda looked at her father's picture, tears falling almost like rain to the floor. The picture was in a frameless matte, yellowing and cracked. She had another in nicer condition, but the one in her hands had a finger smudge from her father's hand, courtesy of a broken fan belt on the way to the shipout-point when he departed for Iraq.

"I thought he loved me, Dad. I'm...I don't know what I did to turn him away. Did I cling too tight?" His face still smiled, of course; etched forever in time with his child in his arms and his wife by his side. A happy trio. And Mom was very happy once again, now that she had re-discovered love with Laura Menendez. She could almost see her father smiling down at the two women; Ted Piontak loved Susan more than anything, and his love sustained her for so long after he died. Maybe Linda could draw on that love as well.

"It's going to be okay, Lee, honey," she imagined him saying. He never knew the side of his son... really the entire nature of his child that made her a girl, and never spoke the name "Linda." Lee was a nice name, though; not really gender-specific.

"It hurts, Daddy…more than it has ever…Am I wrong…I should just go back to being a guy…it would be better for everyone!” The picture wore the marks of many sad tears and maybe even a few happy ones as well, and the matte absorbed the new ones that fell from her face. Her father would never again speak to her, but nevertheless, she heard his voice in her heart.

“No, Lee, honey…better for no one…” The sound in her heart quickly faded, replaced almost as quickly as the phone rang.

“Hey sweetie,” she heard her mother say.

“Hi, Mom…I was just talking to Daddy.” “Daddy” came out a bit quivery.

“I’m fine,” she said nervously and she bit her tongue softly. Her mother picked up on the word ‘fine.’

“Mommy…hee…” “Talking” to her father and then having a conversation with her mother right away was too much for her, and she began sobbing. She laid the phone down for a moment and looked for some tissue. She couldn’t find any so she grabbed a washcloth from her laundry basket and wiped her face.

“Mom…he’s going to Europe…all summer…you knew? MOM! How could you….He called Laura? Oh…he just told me yesterday, too.” She sniffled before using the washcloth to blow her nose.

“No…Don’t Mom…no…you don’t have to come out…no…oh…okay. Tomorrow? Yeah …okay… Mommy …it hurts so bad….he doesn’t care anymore….I should have never…what? Okay…that’s what….Dahhhdee said.”

She clicked off the phone accidentally. Looking down at her body, she immediately forgot everything her father would have said and what her mother actually told her. She determined that being a girl was the problem. Sitting down on the couch, she picked up a pillow and hugged it like a stuffed animal and began to sob once again, this time so loud that she didn’t hear the phone ring again and missed her mother’s call.

Papa, how I love you...
Papa, how I need you.
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me good night...

At Kellogg's Diner, Brooklyn, New York

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

“No, I haven’t told her.” Tony sat in the booth opposite the ensemble’s cellist. The girl frowned and looked at him askance.

“Why not? Are you ashamed of me?” She frowned and looked out the coffee shop window before saying loud enough to be heard at the diners in the back of the restaurant,

“Tell her, Tony. Both of us deserve that, and you owe it to her as well. She’s probably a good kid, but this has gone on long enough.

“I just don’t want to hurt her feelings.” He didn’t like, but he really was nowhere near telling the truth, either.

“You already hurt her; you told me she was crying when you left. Tell her so we all can move on.” He nodded before she finished.

“You pull this crap on me and you can kiss my ass goodbye!”

In front of Linda's apartment...

“Hi, mom,” Linda hugged her mother as she got out of the cab. Laura walked around from the other side, her face already awash with tears. She shied away from Linda’s proffered hug until the girl grabbed her arm and softly pulled her into an embrace.

“I’m so sorry, honey…I don’t know what I did wrong.” Laura already blamed herself for her son’s behavior, but she didn’t raise a selfish boy; he chose that path all by himself.

“I know…I know.” The girl was hurting but true to form was the comforter as she patted Laura on the back.

“She’s been crying since Thursday, honey.” Susan said before looking more carefully at her daughter. Linda was wearing jeans and an old shirt and she had pulled her hair back in a ponytail. She wore no makeup, leaving her mother to guess the worst.

“Damn it, Linda, no!” Susan rarely swore, at least in anger, but she was upset more than she had been in years.

“It’s his choice to be a fool,” Susan looked over at Laura who nodded reluctantly. They had talked a great deal throughout the flight. While all three of them loved Tony, it was Linda who needed their support, and not sympathy, but encouragement; she wasn’t a weak little girl, but a woman who needed to know she was loveable and important and worthy of respect.

“We are going up to your apartment and you are going to change your clothes, young lady.” Wearing jeans and an old shirt is fine, but Linda needed to remember that she wasn’t a boy acting like a girl; she was a woman, and her mother wanted to remind her of that.

“And some makeup, too,” Laura said, wiping her face with her coat sleeve. She smiled, but looking at the somewhat boyish appearance of her former future daughter-in-law caused her to burst into tears once again.

Later

“Yes.” Simple answer to a complex question.

“Is he coming over now?” Laura looked angry, and Susan looked very nervous for her partner.

“I said yes, so…yes.” Linda shrugged her shoulders and half-smiled.

“I’m going to give that boy a piece of my mind.” Laura grew agitated and jumped up, beginning to pace.

“Laura…Momma…” Linda had already begun to refer to Laura in an affectionate, family-like manner. She was family, but her role in Linda’s life would always be step-mother, she realized.

“It’s okay. I didn’t say anything, but he already knew you were coming since your phone call the other day. I don’t want this to be a confrontation. He’s going to come over here, and he’s still going to be my…bbeesstt… frrr…iend…ohhh kay?” She shook her head. She wished things were different, but she had felt for a while things were…off.

“I…I…I’mmm not going to abandon him. He’s still a part of my life… eeevennn…even though it’s pppasst.” She wanted to be strong. Her faith told her to forgive, but there wasn’t anything in her with enough strength to let it pass. She didn’t want to be angry. She wished they could still be friends, and maybe in time they could say that, but now, today…she was hurt, as much as anyone can endure without dying, and he would know, even if she spoke no words, that he had broken her heart.

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

That evening...

The doorbell rang. Laura jumped in her seat with a start. Linda looked up slowly, her face red from crying. Susan calmly walked to the door and opened it. Tony smiled sheepishly and shrugged as if he knew something was wrong.

“Come on in, Tony.” Susan hugged him quickly but there was no emotion in her embrace. He walked over to Laura who just looked up at him and stared, her eyes saying everything her anger toward her son prevented her from speaking. Linda rose slowly and hugged Tony, the embrace filled with emotion, but not of anger, as he expected, but not with friendship either. It was as if she had already said goodbye even though no words had yet been spoken.

“I just wanted…I...you…” He stumbled over his words, like he were speaking at his own execution. Linda commuted the sentence.

“Tony,” she said softly as she walked over to her mother. Standing next to Susan, it almost looked as if she drew strength from her.

“Let me speak, okay?” Not a demand, a simple request, but the last one she would utter as Tony’s girlfriend.

“I should have known something was wrong a long time ago. You’ve made nearly no effort to be any part of my life for weeks. I postponed my surgery until January just so we could spend some time together, and you didn’t even acknowledge what a sacrifice that was for me. I’m not complaining, and I don’t want you to be sorry for me; I’m not sorry for myself.” She paused, hoping that she actually was growing strong enough to put self-pity and shame away.

“I’m angry with you, but I’m really more angry with myself.” Laura bristled at the remark; her son had treated this girl badly and she was almost apologetic. Her expression changed at Linda’s next few words.

“I deserve more than this. I never expected the universe, but you didn’t even give me your world. I didn’t expect riches but you didn’t even give me the time of day. I have been your best friend, and I thought you were mine, but right now I don’t think you’re even your own best friend.” His face grew red, not with embarrassment or shame, but anger.

“Well, I don’t deserve this ambush.” He looked so put upon that if you didn’t know what the truth actually was, you would have thought he was the injured party.

“Ambush?” Laura jumped up and walked over, standing toe to toe with her son.

“This girl has given you everything she has in this world, and you’ve returned her love with…” Laura tried to continue but the words were choked off as she began to sob. It was like losing Tony Sr. all over again as she realized she didn’t know the boy that stood in front of her. Susan rushed to her side and pulled her in for an embrace as Laura began to weep more than she had ever wept; even more than when she got the phone call that turned her life from wonderful to widowhood in a second; feeling incorrectly that she failed her son and not the other way around.

“Tony?” Linda’s voice was quiet but calm and firm. He looked away from his mother to see her standing by the door.

“I’ll always love you, but you need to leave. I can accept your treatment of me; you don’t owe me a thing. But you owe your mother your life, and she doesn’t deserve your anger. If you want to be angry, be angry at me. I’m the one who let this go on when I should have told you it was okay to leave, right?” Her voice was tinged with only a hint of sarcasm, but he got the point nonetheless.

“Okay…You’re right. She doesn’t deserve this…” He couldn’t bring himself to apologize to Linda, even after all of that. He walked back to his mother and kissed her cheek quickly while grasping Susan’s hand.

“Take care of Mom, okay?” He said it almost as if he believed that everyone needed a reminder to be kind but him. He went to kiss Linda on the cheek. She offered no resistance, but didn’t raise her arms to welcome his offered embrace. He looked once more at her, his face showing just how much he misunderstood her and his mother and Susan and mostly himself. He walked to the door and glanced once again at Linda, his expression the same as you might see of a little boy who was sent to his room for misbehaving; “fine…I don’t care…be that way.” With that he walked out the door and was gone.

Susan squeezed her partner’s shoulders and led her back to the couch where she sat her down. She turned just in time to see Linda begin to shake. She ran over to catch her daughter in her arms as Linda began to sob so much that her whole body began to convulse. Linda wasn’t a big girl, but her dead weight was too much for Susan and they collapsed to the floor. She held her daughter in her arms, rocking her back and forth as she cooed softly,

“Shhh…shhhh….It’s okay, I’m here….I’m here.”

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes

I let you go
I let you fly
Now that I know I’m asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Next: New View

Broken Vow
Words and Music by
Walter Afanasieff and Lara Fabian
As performed by
Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFiUw9XdezU

Poppa, Can You Hear Me?
from the movie, Yentl
words and music by
Alan and Marilyn Bergman
and Michel Legrand
as performed by Barbra Streisand
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YrFKbOlSlk