Easy As Calling On A Mike.
by Ang-thingumyjig
part:317.

The afternoon was a complete mess, I wasted time by being unable to concentrate on anything I needed to do. I was about to give up and go home when the phone rang. It was Pippa.

"Cathy, can you take a call from Des?"

"Of course, thank you."

"I hope he can help," she said as she put him through to me.

"Hi Cathy, how ya doin'?"

"Until this, okay."

"Okay, there is no record of a Marlene Hickman with the NUJ* nor a Gordon Wild. Are you sure that was who they said they were?"

"Yes, I'm positive. I mean under all the makeup it could have been anyone, but they have certainly cross dressed before because their mannerisms and things were quite good."

"Okay, so we're looking for a cross dressing journo! Oh boy, needles and hay stacks come to mind."

"Are there lots of them then?"

"Are you kidding? They're all weird, that's why they parasitise others."

"Oh!"

"Have you got the card?"

"No, Pippa had it."

"Can she send it to me, a scanner or a photocopy and fax."

"I'll ask her."

"Thanks."

"What do I do now?"

"Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut. If you have a brick to carry in your handbag, take it."

"Alright, I'll be very careful."

"I mean it, flower, I suspect someone is up to entirely no good."

"I'll be on my mettle."

"Good girl. I'll talk to you later. Bye." He rang off.

So was it Gordon? Seemed unlikely. On a whim, I looked up the internet phone directory and found three G Wilds. I called each one. On the last I got my old class mate.

"Hello, I'm trying to find a Gordon Wild who was in school with me back in the early nineties."

"Who are you, then?" said a voice I almost recognised.

"Cathy Watts."

"Nah, not me although I did know a Charlie Watts."

"That was me, Gordon."

"What? Is this some joke, 'cos I'm gonna get bloody annoyed."

"Gordon, it's no joke. I just had someone impersonating you trying to get an interview with me."

"What?"

I asked him to call me back at Portsmouth University if he was at all concerned it was a wind up. He accepted that it wasn't. I then gave him a quick thumbnail of who I was now and then the interview.

"So this drag queen says he was me?"

"Essentially yes."

"Why? Why are you so important?"

"I'm not, except to Simon."

"Your fiance?"

"Yes, I mean there is a bit I didn't tell you, he's an aristocrat and his family own a bank."

"Jeez Charlie..."

"It's Cathy now, Gordon."

"Yeah, sorry, that is some story, no wonder that weirdo was chasing you."

"I did make a statement on the telly when the story broke."

"I've been abroad a lot recently, I do computer installations."

"This was a few months ago."

"I've spent more time in Germany than here in the last six months."

"Well all you missed was my dormouse juggling."

"What, where it goes down your jumper?"

"That's the one."

"Jeez-zus! That isn't you, I mean no disrespect, but she was a total babe."

"On Youtube, that's me."

"Well stone the bleeding crows! And you were little, weedy, Charlie Watts the droopy drawers of the form? Now all growed up and a total babe?"

"That's your description, not mine."

"So you've had the ahem, you know, the operation like?"

"If you mean, am I now female? The answer is yes, fully functioning."

"Well bugger me!"

"I can't Gordon, I just explained that."

I heard him laugh, "I don't suppose the next time you're in Brissel you'd care to meet up."

"I erm, I don't know..."

"Bring your fiance and you can meet my wife, Barbara."

"I'll give you a ring next time I'm there. Oh by the way, does the name Marlene Hickman, mean anything to you?"

"No, I know a Martin Hickman, hang on I can do better, I can send you a picture of him, have you got a URL I can send it to."

"What else do you know about him?"

"He played or the same rugby club, for a year or so anyway. Quite tall, played on the wing, I think."

"That would be great, thanks Gordon."

"Wow, the dormouse babe was a classmate, I can't believe it."

"Please don't tell everyone, it's bad enough as it is, what with that and the poster campaign for the bank."

"What bank?"

"High Street Banks."

"That's you on the poster - Jeez, of course, there's a bloody dormouse on it too? You are a cracking bit of totty!"

"Gordon, calm down and is it appropriate to tell a woman such things?"

"Nah, I suppose not, sorry about that."

"It's okay, if you could send that picture, I'd be grateful."

"Will do, I'll go and get it now. Be nice to meet up again, are you on Friends Reunited?"

"No, for obvious reasons."

"But all the boys would love to..."

"Gordon, I am engaged to be married to Lord Simon Cameron."

"Jeez, Char..I mean Cathy, does he know?"

"Of course he does, everyone did but you."

"Will that make you, Lady whatever?"

"Yes."

"Jeez!"

"Not bad for the class weed, eh?"

"Jeez! I'll go and get that photo."

"Thanks, and bye."

Why don't people accept that transsexuals can look like ordinary men and women? I went and spoke with Pippa, who'd scanned and sent the copy of the card to Des. I told her of the conversation I'd just had.

"So it could have been Martin Hickman?"

"Yeah, it's all a bit bizarre."

"Isn't it?"

"Why give his own surname, assuming it was him?"

"We don't know if it was."

Just then, I got an email alert and opened one with a photo attachment. It was near enough like our visitor, for me to recognise it. "He was using it, look at this."

"Goodness, what's his game then?"

"I don't know, can you send this on to Des and also the name, see what he can dig up and if he can't, I'll talk with the police or get a private investigator to find him."

"Isn't that expensive?"

"It's cheaper than being a victim of a crime."

"Oh do you think he might be involved with something nasty, then?"

"Let's say, he's hardly come to check me for his Christmas card list."

*NUJ = National Union Of Journalists.