Easy As Purring On A Bed.
by Bonzi Cat (More Miaowish translated by Angharad).
part 267.

As I drove back to Tom's I could almost taste the stew, I was so looking forward to it. Stella's banter had given me an appetite, or should that be, bantering with Stella had given me an appetite. My tummy growled and I patted it, almost telling it to be patient a little longer.

The traffic was heavy and driving in it was tedious to say the least. I got home and found it difficult to park, there was a plumber's van on the drive. Considering what they charge for a call out, this must mean there was minimally a full scale disaster, which meant the United Nations and Red Cross were on standby.

I went into the kitchen, from whence emanated voices, one was Tom's, I presumed the other was the plumber and heating engineer.

"Hi Tom," I hugged him and pecked him on the cheek, "What's up?"

"It appears the Aga has had a major organ failure."

"Oh no, I put a casserole in there earlier. I pulled open the slow over door but it was empty. I gasped, surely Kiki hadn't managed to get hold of it?

"I think what you want is over there," said the man in a boiler suit pointing to the table. My casserole was there and cold. It was six pm, if I whacked it in the fan oven it might be done by eight. I did exactly that.

"How long wll that take, Cathy?" asked Tom.

"Two hours at least."

"Okay, I'll have a biccie."

I flipped the switch down on the kettle and asked the plumber if he wanted a cuppa.

"Is the Pope a Catholic?"

"Which Pope are we discussing, Benedict or John Paul II, because I have this theory right, which is backed up by scientists at Nasa...." It was total bull, but I thought I'd enliven his life a little. ....anyway, because of the nano-particles and sub atomic radiation, mostly in the ultra violet spectrum, the last four Popes have been imposters working for the CIA." I beamed and hoped he didn't ask me to repeat any of it.

"You're taking the piss ain'tcha?"

"Who me, no I desperately want my Aga repaired so I can have my boiled egg and toast soldiers each morning, which Tom brings me in bed every morning, if I've been a good girl. Isn't that right Tom?"

He went bright red and gave me a look that could have straightened rhubarb. Maybe I had over done it a tad?

"Cathy, stop fooling about and make the bloody tea!" instructed Tom.

"But I forgot to mention the creatures from the ninth dimension of intergalactic parallel universes. Without that reference, none of it makes sense."

"Tea!" Barked Tom, and I stood to attention and saluted him, then boiled the kettle again.

"Is she like this often?" asked the plumber disregarding that I was still present.

"Only when she forgets her medication. You should have seen what she did with the milkman, mind you we get all sorts of discount now."

I poured the hot water on to the tea bags and blushed, Tom had got his own back and how."

"Well the parts for this are not going to be cheap, plus the labour, it'll take at a least a day. So what sort of discount might you be looking to get with your little friend's help of course."

"My nympho granddaughter, no, I think we'll spare your blushes and probably your life. The first milkman croaked, it was the second who gave us the discount."

"I'll have a mate with me."

"I'm trying to wean her off it, it is working, slowly."

"She's quite a cracker inshe?"

"Oh I think so, hence the chastity belt."

"You what?"

"I got her a chastity belt, the key is in the bank deposit box. So you're quite safe."

"Chastity belt, you're pulling my leg, innyer?"

With that I turned around sharply with a tray and three mugs of tea and it hit the plumber on the arm, causing all three to cascade their contents over his waist and below.

He stood absolutely still for a moment, then began this funny dance, pulling at his clothes and swearing, occasionally at me. In two minutes he was down to his rather shabby boxer shorts and he was splashing cold water over them.

I left the room and ran up to mine, afraid I was going to laugh. It was a pure accident, honestly! Oh well please yourself. I'll bet if he does the job and I offer him a cup of tea, he'll say no.

I heard his van drive off and Tom came up to my room. He knocked and entered.

"I'm disapointed with you girl."

"That was an accident."

"It didn't look like one to me."

"Tom, I wouldn't lie to you, it was a complete accident."

"I'm still disappointed."

"I'm sorry." I hung my head in shame, I knew he wouldn't believe me.

"You really do disappoint, do you know that?"

"So you said." I kept my head down.

"Everyone knows the creatures come from the eighth dimension, ninth indeed!"

"What?"

"You heard." He looked at me and sniggered. "I reckon if he'd been on Come Dancing, he'd have walked it with that funny jig he did."

"You're not angry with me?"

"It was an accident, he was getting closer to you to have a gawp down your top, so when you turned around he was in the way, his own fault. He admitted that after you left."

"Will you give him the job?"

"Doubt it, the official Aga bloke is cheaper, believe it or not and can do the job tomorrow. I just phoned him to confirm, I need you to be here to let him in et cetera."

"Okay. Stella was nearly back to normal this afternoon, she could be home soon, I reckon."

"Oh good, I do miss her about the place. Simon was popping in to see her on his way home."

"Did you tell him about the stew?"

"Don't be daft girl, any dumplings?"

"Yes I did some for you this time."

"Oh goodie."

I put some washing on while I waited for dinner. Tom made a fresh pot of tea and we sat and drank it in the kitchen. The ones I'd dropped had slightly marked the floor, I'd sort that out later, probably needed a mopping.

Tom decamped to his study after the cuppa, and I cleaned the floor. I wasn't usually this house proud, but since coming back this time I almost felt a degree of ownership towards this house, because I'd lived here for several months. I felt more at home there than my father's place.

I put on the bread maker and soon the smells emanating from the oven were blending nicely with those from the bread machine. Simon would be ecstatic as well as greedy later.

That night, he lay groaning on the bed. "God I feel so bloated," he sighed to me.

"Serves you right, you ate four portions of casserole and three quarters of the loaf."

"You shouldn't have made the two together."

"No you shouldn't have eaten all you did, that was pure greed. Serves you right."

"My guts are really aching, Cathy"

"You sure you're not about to deliver twins, it looks big enough."

"Where's my sister? You are certainly no Florence Nightingale."

"No she's somewhat dead, and your sister is still on the receiving end of nursing care, remember, you were with her earlier."

"Oh yeah, she's coming home tomorrow, can you collect her."

"I have to wait for the Aga man to come."

"Oh shite! I can't do it, I have a big meeting."

"So does Tom, professorial committeee."

"Can't you nip out once the bloke gets here?"

"I'll speak with the hospital tomorrow, now if you could groan more quietly, some of us are trying to sleep."