The Secret Part 4 by Andrea DiMaggio

Erica shares the secret with a friend and with family...

A few weeks later…

"Mark? I think you'd better get down here," The voice on the phone said.

"Erica's feeling quite ill, and I don't think she should drive." Roberta, one of Erica's editors, continued.

"Oh, Mark...this is serious."

"Roberta, where's Erica?" Mark was asking even as he entered the publisher's office.

"She's in Dave's office, lying down." Roberta gestured toward the hallway. "Mark," She said with urgency in her voice, "I think she needs to see the doctor immediately."

Mark was out the door before Roberta had finished speaking. Running down the hallway, he looked into doorways until he found Dave's office. Dave was sitting in a chair by the couch, where Erica was lying down. Dave stood up and offered a quick handshake while holding Mark's arm. He spoke softly

"She's resting...she insisted on having you come. I offered to call an ambulance."
Mark cut him off. "An ambulance? What's going on?" Mark resisted the urge to raise his voice. "Why does she need an ambulance?"

By now, Roberta had joined them. She walked over to Mark and put her hand on his shoulder.

"Mark...she's been...bleeding."

"What...no! Oh, God no. NO!"

Erica woke up and it was clear that she had been crying.

"Ma...Mark..." She tried to speak, but began sobbing.

Mark ran to the couch, fell to his knees, and embraced his wife.

"Mark....Mark," she sobbed. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

"It's going to be ok, honey...you're going to be ok," Mark said softly as he wept, trying desperately to reassure his wife, but only hoping against hope.
________________________________________

The next day…at home…

Gina sat at the kitchen table, sipping her coffee and feeling helpless.

"She finally fell asleep, sweetie," She said, patting Mark on the hand.

"Now you know...if there's anything you guys need, I'm just a phone call away. If you want, I can ask for some time off, and spring break is next week anyway."

Mark was standing at the kitchen sink, looking vacantly out the window.

Gina stood up and walked over to Mark. She put her head on Mark's shoulder and hugged him.

"You need to get some rest. Let me help you guys. I'll pop back home for a few things and I'll be back by four. Ok?"

Mark was too tired to argue, and truth be told, he was glad that Gina offered to stay. He was exhausted, and his own doctor recommended that he rest. His remission was months old, but there was always a worry in the back of everyone's minds that he might get sick again. His mom had been over several times the past few days, but needed to take care of some things at her home, so Gina's offer was both timely and welcomed.

Mark's circle of friends and support had dwindled significantly in past eighteen months. Being only part time at the middle school, his former students had moved on. The job itself was eliminated while he was on medical leave due to budget cuts. One of the orchestras he had played for disbanded, and the second was forced to replace him due to his protracted absence. His only real circle of friends growing up had been his sister Maura and her two best friends. He married Erica and Gina was there always as a sister and friend.

A while later…

Gina was sitting on the sofa in the living room drinking coffee and trying with little success to pay attention to the TV. She heard soft footsteps from the hallway and turned.

"Don't you dare get up, Gina Claudia Sorrento!" Erica said. She was clad in an old bathrobe over her footie PJ's. Her eyes were red, more now from exhaustion than grief. She walked over to Gina and kissed the top of her head. "Any more coffee? Don't get up...I'll make a fresh pot."

Erica walked into the kitchen and grabbed the coffee from the cabinet.

"Where's Mark?" she asked as she filled the pot with water.

"I put him to bed. He didn't want to disturb you, so he's taking a nap in the nursery."

Gina tried to stop her words from leaving her mouth, regretting instantly what she had just said.

"Gina...it's ok. I'm not made of porcelain or crystal...I won't break over a word."

Gina jumped to her feet and began to apologize, her arms quickly wrapping her best friend in the most comforting hug anyone could give. Her eyes were filled with tears, which mingled with her friend's tears as she kissed her on the cheek.

"I know, sweetie, but...well...It’s still ok to cry."

Both women stood in the kitchen, holding on to each other for dear life. Did you ever notice when someone is being consoled with a hug that sometimes they pat the friend on the back as well. Each woman held and patted and kissed as only sisters and best friends can.

"WE are going to get through this. I know we will. God knows we will," she thought to herself. Gina made no attempt to explain or excuse the death that was overwhelming this family like an emotional tsunami. Years of counseling, tempered by the grief she shared with this family, taught her that the best support anyone can give at times like this was to listen, hold and hug.

“God...I am so angry!" she said through her tears. "It's not fair...It's...." She began to cry once again, trying hard to escape her best friends embrace. She sat down at the kitchen table and sobbed, her fists balled up with rage and grief, crying so hard as to be painful. Gina bent over in an uncomfortable yet necessary pose and held her friend, speaking softly in her ear, "Shhhh....shhh...” Not the shushing of someone trying to quiet sobbing, but rather the soft, motherly "shh" that says, “I’m here...you're safe...it's not ok now but it will be."
________________________________________

Weeks later…

"No, Mommy...that's ok...I'm alright...really." Erica said to her mother Diane, and in fact, she was at least in the process of becoming "ok." We'll be over Saturday and we can talk some more. I love you, too. Yes, Mommy, I'll be ok. Love you, Bye." She hung up the phone and walked into the kitchen. Grabbing two mugs, she filled them with coffee and some half-and-half. Walking down the hallway, she looked into the den. Mark was sitting in the recliner in the corner, asleep, with his Bible on his lap, unopened. She looked over at the piano. His violin case was resting on the piano, as was his flute. Neither case had been opened in weeks; and Erica missed the sound of music...of his music.

The miscarriage had pushed Mark back into depression. He tried as best he could, and was at a level of functioning at least as good as when he first went into remission. But she missed him, and she was trying to deal with her own grief without him. Oh, he was supportive enough, and he did what he could to show her affection and support, but she also derived a great deal of comfort from whom he was as well, and that was missing. She walked over to him and leaned over, tapping his wrist softly. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, waking him.

"Honey, I'm going to shoot over to your mom's. It's Gina's birthday next Friday, and we're planning a party. I should be home about 9 or so. Can I get you anything before I go? I brought you a cup of coffee, ok?"

"Yes, thank you," he said as he grabbed her hand. "Give Mom my best, hon. Tell her I'll stop by tomorrow afternoon to install that new software she got." Truth be told, Marie, Mark's mom, knew how to install software, but she wanted to find something to draw him out of himself, so she lapsed into computer illiteracy for his sake.

"Ok, sweetie...I love you," she said as she walked out of the room.

"Love you, too," he said. He picked up his Bible and opened it. Looking down, he stared, as if the pages were blank. Closing it, he placed it on the piano bench next to him and stared off, looking for something to make the pain go away.

A few minutes later…

He began to cry, and it was fortunate that Erica had already left, because she was as tired as he was, and could ill afford expending any energy today for anyone but herself.
________________________________________

That Saturday at Marie’s…

"You guys are terrific. You shouldn't have ," Gina said, fully believing that they actually should have.

"Twenty-Nine, and I still got it!" she said with a laugh. Rocco, her bull terrier, was standing by her, nuzzling her shin. She looked down at her bull terrier, who looked back with a pleading expression.

"No, you can't have any cake, and that's final." With that, Rocco toddled off into the kitchen to forage cake crumbs.

"Want any more coffee?" a voice spoke from behind Gina and Erica. Mark's mom Marie was standing with a pot of coffee in her hand.

"No," the two said at the same time. They laughed and thanked Marie who had by now drifted off seeking other guests.

Gina motioned toward the door leading to Marie's deck. She stepped out, with Erica in tow.

"Sweetie...are you ok? I know it's been two months, and we've talked and all. Stages of grief... blah... blah..." Gina rolled her eyes, acknowledging Erica's growing weariness with the process. "There's something else. We don't have to talk. Just promise me you'll let me help when you're ready."
Erica cut off her friend. "It's Mark...I just don't know...he's...there's something missing, I...It's like he's there, and he's been great. He was so looking forward to being a daddy." Her eyes began to fill with tears. The Kiernan family alone probably could provide enough salt to supply a small third-world country.

"Honey....don't...we can talk later, after everyone's left"

"No...I..." She stopped and looked back into the house, searching for Mark. He was sitting down in the living room, watching a Philly's game with Gina's cousins.

"I don't know how to say this...it's...hard to put into words." She looked away briefly but quickly turned back to face her friend. "I need more love and support than I have ever needed in my lifetime," which spoke volumes to Gina. Erica had endured the loss of her and Gina's best friend Maura, Mark's sister. She dealt with Mark's mom's bout with cancer.

She withstood Mark's own fight with cancer, which still hovered over their home like a bird of prey. Finally, she was continuing to heal, but still fell the utter pain of the loss of the only baby she and Mark might ever have."

"Honey...sweetie...I'm here...your mom's here...Marie's here. We can all help you guys through this. God's here, too, and I know that you know that."

"I think I know what's troubling Mark so much...I don't even think he knows himself."

Erica grabbed her friend's hand. “It's just like Maura all over again."

Gina immediately knew what Erica meant. The grief was different, but the mechanism for coping was the same, except Mark was able to cope when his sister died. He seemed almost paralyzed by the grief, despite the outward signs of healing and his own support for Erica. What was missing was the one person both of them had come to trust as a member of the family; the one person who had become another best friend for Erica...

Gina looked at her friend. Her eyes widened. She smiled, not out of humor, but more out of contentment one gets when they find a long-sought answer to a puzzle or question.

"Maired," she said softly, leaning close to her friend in a somewhat conspiratorial pose.

Erica nodded, tears in her eyes.

"Gina...” she said, "I...it's so silly...I...”

"Honey...it's ok..." Gina sighed and spoke. "Once again," she said with a wry smile," the trained profession, admitting that she does not hold all the answers to life’s questions." She paused, laughing.

"She nevertheless believes that your life has now become a real-life episode of Jeopardy. 'I'll take Improbable Solutions for a thousand, Alex.' 'Maired," Alex says, to which you reply, 'Who is an irreplaceable yet enigmatic part of our family and cannot be ignored, left out, or forgotten as she is an integral part of the person I love most in the whole world, Alex!'"
The two looked at each other with an expression that spanned a range between sad, happy, confused and relieved.

"Maired...." They said in unison. "Maired"

Gina’s office…the following Monday…

"So Linda told you there's hope for more kids...Sweetie, that's great," Gina said, referring to Dr. Linda Mayo-Sorrento, her cousin and both her and Erica's OB/GYN. She picked up her chicken salad sandwich and took a bite, waiting for Erica's response.

"She said that it's not uncommon for a woman to miscarry her first. She said my checkup was normal. Mark's tests continue to come back negative, and he's healthy for all the right reasons." Mark was now cancer free for months, and there was at least some home regarding his continued physical health. While he was "functioning" ok in most aspects, Erica was concerned that he was having a difficult time dealing with the miscarriage. It had been nearly three months since they lost the baby, and he felt that he was responsible for their loss. Erica was slowly coming out of the pale she'd been under since they lost the baby, but her concern was more for Mark than herself at this point.

"He still blames himself, honey, and there's really nothing you can do about it other than continue to love and support him. I know this is difficult, and I'm here for you both."

Gina was not only a counselor, but she and Erica were best friends, dating back to when they were kids. You may recall that she and Erica formed a triumvirate of sorts with Mark's sister Maura, and the three of them remained inseparable until Maura's tragic and eventual fatal bout with cancer. Loss "ran" in the Kiernan family. Mark's dad Pat died when he was in middle school, and Marie, his mom, contracted breast cancer, which she battled on and off for over ten years. And Mark's illness remained a threat, though the doctors remained optimistic.

"Gina....you have been so great through all of this. I can't imagine what I...what we would have done without you. God bless you." By now, misty eyes were almost a prerequisite to any conversation the girls had, but they signified not only pain and loss but joy and hope in God.

"He's still...you haven't seen his sister at all, have you."

"Nary a peep," Erica said, wiping her eyes with her napkin. Erica looked out the window. Turning again to face her friend, she said,

"I'd settle for a conversation. Just watching a video or listening to music....It's almost like Maired never existed. But I was just getting to know her...It's like she went away..." She paused and laughed nervously. "This is so stupid...I can't believe I'm saying this...It's not like she...."

"You just lost your baby, and it still is scary that you might not have any other kids...it's ok to be scared." Gina reached over and held her friend's hand. "Your husband is only now showing signs that he will remain healthy, but even that's not certain. And one of your best friends seems to have deserted you...Yes; one of your best friends hasn't been available to support you. God knows I can't do this all myself...Honey...you miss her."

"Is that crazy? I love Mark with every part of my being. But I miss....Maired."

That Friday…

"Mark...hey, sweetie, it's Gina." the voice on the phone said."

"Oh, hi, Gina. Hey, you just missed Erica. She had a meeting with the publishers about her next book, but she should be back by four. Should I have her give you a call tonight?" Mark said.

"Actually, I called to talk to you," Gina said. Her bull terrier, Rocco, was barking in the background, so Mark surmised she was at home.

"Sure, Gina. What's up."

"I've got the day free. Educator's conference and I begged out for family reasons."

"Playing hooky?" Mark said.

"No, I am attending to an official family matter. You are family, Mark, and this concerns you." She said in a mock authoritarian voice.

"Sure...I know that. Is there anything wrong?"

"No, I just wanted to talk, and since I have the day off, can I treat you to lunch?"

"Yeah...that would be great." Mark said, wondering what was going on.

"Terrific, sweetie. I'll pick you up about eleven and we can go to the New China Buffet over by you. See you in about an hour. Love you, bye." Gina hung up abruptly, giving Mark little if any opportunity to change his mind.

The restarant a while later…

Mark had just come back from the buffet line, displaying his usual small portioned plate. He was eating ok, but had little appetite since his illness. As he sat down, he noticed that Gina was almost staring at him. She smiled at him, took a large gulp of water, and began to talk.

"I suppose why you are wondering why I called this meeting?" she said in an ominous tone. "Mark...we need to talk." Mark sipped his water and raised his eyebrows as if to say,

"And?"

"You know I love you dearly, and I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable. I certainly don't want you to feel guilty, but I'm going to be much more directive than any counselor should...but I am your friend first."

"I know, and I'm at the place where I take all the help I can get." He laughed, but his expression quickly became sad. "I've talked with the grief counselor your cousin recommended, and he's been a great help."

"But..."

"There's only so much that he can help me with. I realize that it wasn't my fault that we lost the baby. Linda told me as much, and my oncologist encouraged me as well. It's just...Gina...I haven't felt so lost since Maura died. I thought that I could deal with anything after the cancer, and I think I'm doing pretty good."

"Honey, it's not a competition. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. You just lost a child, and however long it takes is what it takes. It's ok to be where you're at. I can't imagine what you are going through. But I know that it takes time, and you're going to find that the ups and downs don't go away quickly. In the meantime, you need support, too. Your mom and Erica and I are here for you, just as I know you're here for Erica."

"I feel like I've let her down, Gina. I haven't been there for her." His eyes began to water.
Trying her best to imitate Marie, Mark's mom, Gina rose up in her seat, pointed a finger at Mark and said, "Marcus James Kiernan...you stop that at once," but her efforts quickly turned to laughter.

"Honey...you are the best husband any woman could ever have. I've never shared this with anyone...I had a crush on you in junior high. I was so pissed at first when you started looking at Erica, but I came to believe...not just accept, but believe that you and she were made for each other. Like a fairy tale..."
Gina realized what she had just said and began to laugh again. "No, scratch that...like a great novel."

"You had a crush on...me?"

"I know this is hard for you to accept, but I thought you were the best guy in school."

"But you...you were...?"

"A member of the elite group of extremely attractive girls who could have any guy they wanted....yes. But I thought that you were the best. And you actually ended up with the "best of the girls!"
She paused and looked at Mark. He had always struggled with self-esteem. Pat, his dad, was a great guy, but a recovering alcoholic who died too soon after his remarkable redemption. Mark never received the affirmation from his dad, and he ended up with a life-time of doubts.

"You...I repeat...You remain to this day one of the most attractive men I have ever know, and if I meet a guy half as nice as you, I will be one truly blessed woman!"

She reached over and held his hand. "Now, having said that, it leads me to what I wanted to talk to you about.

Back at the Kiernan home after lunch…

"Can I get you some coffee or tea, Gina," Mark said from the kitchen.

"How about a bottle of water?" She said. She sat on the sofa, waiting for his return. She thought better of talking in the restaurant. Mark was fragile enough, and she did not want to put him in such a vulnerable position in public, so she waited until they returned to his home.

Mark came into the living room and handed Gina a Poland Spring, and then sat down in the recliner across from her. He looked as anxious as he felt, and he ended up staring at the floor, as if condemned.

"Mark...look at me," Gina said in a voice that softly invited.

"Erica is struggling, and I think she's dealing with something only you can help her with."

"I...I've tried, but I've run out of things to do."

"You don't have to do anything more. Mark, you've done as much as any husband can do. It's not about what you can do, but who you are.

"I...what do you mean, Gina?"

"Erica has only a small circle of support, just like you. She's gotten the help she needs from the grief counselor, and her family and your mom have been super. But like I told her, I can only do so much, you know. She needs support from her Best best friend. You."

"But I....I am here for her. She knows that." Mark became defensive, but his tone quickly turned apologetic. "I'm so sorry, Gina...you must think the worst of me. I've been so selfish..."

"Mark...you have been here for her. You have been her best friend. But you're holding back. I don't understand how this works, but I know you're trying, but you are holding back. Erica needs all that you can give of yourself. She needs to know that you love her with every part of you."

"I don't understand..." Mark looked around, desperate for the answer that only he knew to his question.

"Mark....you're holding back, and I don't think it's intentional. You are filled with misplaced guilt over the death of your baby, and you can't imagine anything that you need or want is acceptable when both of you have suffered such a loss. Mark..." Gina said, and patted the couch beside her. "Come over here..." she said as she patted the couch again.

Mark rose tentatively from the couch and walked over. Sitting down, he looked at Gina with questioning eyes. His look was met by hers, which revealed what likely was the most compassionate understanding look he would ever behold.

She leaned over and hugged him briefly, and sat back. "You haven’t been selfish, but your fear is holding you back, keeping part of yourself from your wife, thinking that it would be wrong...Mark...she understands. You and she are dealing with the greatest pain that any couple can feel, and you have lost sight of the fact that the love that brought you together is the only thing, with God's help, that can sustain you. And she misses you. "

Mark looked at Gina with a look that said, "Go ahead...tell me."

"You've heard the expression, "Once you've said something, it can never be unsaid?

Well, once you've met someone, you can never "unmeet" them. Mark, your wife took vows when she married you that bind her by her own choice. She loves you unconditionally, and you have to know that she accepts every part of you as a blessing, however difficult those parts may be to understand...Do you follow me?"

"I think so," Mark said quietly, but it was clear to Gina that he didn't.

"Sweetie...it's ok to be exactly who you are...every one of you. She smiled and put his hands in hers." Mark was struggling to understand, not because he was incapable, but because his grief overwhelmed him and he couldn't believe."

"Honey....I think it's time Maired came home for a visit." Mark might have believed Gina was being playful, but the tears in her eyes told him otherwise.

"It's ok, honey...she wants you to. Maired is a part of you, and so is a part of her now. She lost her baby and she once lost her best friend. She doesn't want to lose you, and she doesn't want to lose Maired either. It's ok...honey, it's ok."
________________________________________

That evening...

A bowl of popcorn sat on the coffee table, uneaten, along with a half-empty bottle of merlot. A card lay open on the table beside the wine, which read, "Love you guys...Gina." Two women sat on the couch, just two women sitting in their PJ’s on a Saturday night, having a much-needed girl's night in. The brunette’s hair was pulled back in a ponytail. The redhead needed no barrettes or clips, her boyish hair still recovering from a much regretted decision to cut it short.

They sat in silence in the dark living room, dimly lit by the images from the DVD playing before them. Music from Howard Shore's stirring score filled the room from one of their favorite movies. A tale of courage, sacrifice, grief and loss, triumph and joy, power and romance. "For Frodo," the figure on the screen proclaimed, looking back to urge his companions to great deeds. The redhead said to herself, thinking of their recent loss as well as losses past,

"For Maura,"

They looked at each other, pondering the remark. They held each other, Erica’s head on the Maired’s shoulder. Both were crying softly as the tale finished. The two were closer and more in love than anyone could hope for. Like sisters and yet much more. Two who faced loss and grief beyond hope and were renewed by their love and the love of family and God.

"It's coming up," she said softly; pausing the DVD. "I cried when I saw this for the first time, and I didn't know then what lay ahead."

"I know, and I cried, too. This reminds me too much and just enough."

“I love you," she said, and drew even closer to her beloved. "Hold me," she said, and restarted the movie.

"I love you so much," Maired said softly, drawing her into her arms. The movie finally finished and the credits began to roll.

"Sleep now, and dream of the ones who came before"

When the inevitable tears came, they cleansed and began to give hope.

"Why do you weep? What are these tears upon your face? Soon you will see, all of your fears will pass away," the woman sang.

"Will, they?" Erica asked Maired and the singer.

Through tears, her lover sang sweetly along with the singer, "Safe in my arms...You’re only sleeping...”