In a very exciting development, Movin' Dirt Productions has discovered a lost copy of Captain Roland: The Global Explorer, the first in the series of motion pictures from that beloved comedy duo, Roland and DiMaggio. Recently restored to its brilliant black and white, monaural luster; Movin' Dirt has made this available in a Two-Disk DVD Set.

"You Couldn't Afford It!"

Our scene takes place at a dinner party in honor of the Grand Re-re-re-re-opening of the noted transgender fiction site, StoryHysteria, which now has begun to financially compensate contributors... It is hosted by Ms. Jennifer Brock....

Joanne: (dressed in French Maid’s Uniform)

Announcing Ms. Kristine Roland

Kristine: (sings)

My name Kristine Roland, the tired Global Trotter...I'm never where I ought to be 'cause I'm always on the road!

Joanne:

Announcing Signora Andrea DiMaggio

(Fanfare)

Andrea:

How do you do?

Ms. Jennifer Brock:

How do you do?

Andrea:

Where's the chat room?

Kristine:

Say, I used to know a woman looked exactly like you, by the name of...ah... Andrea DiMaggio Are you her sister?

Andrea:

I’m Andrea DiMaggio!

Kristine:

You're Andrea DiMaggio

Andrea:

I’m Andrea DiMaggio!

Kristine:

Well, no wonder you look like her...But I still insist, there is a resemblance.

Andrea:

Ha, ha, ha, ha...hey, she thinks I look alike.

Kristine:

Well, if you do it's a tough break for both of you.

Ms. Brock:

You are one of new proofreaders? But you were not due until tomorrow.

Andrea:

Couldn't come tomorrow, that's too quick.

Kristine:

Say, you're lucky they didn't come yesterday!

Andrea:

We were busy yesterday, but we charge just the same.

Kristine:

This is better than globe-trotting! What do you girls get an hour?

Andrea:

Oh, for proofing we getta fifty dollars an hour.

Kristine:

I see...What do you get for not proofing?

Andrea:

One hundred dollars an hour.

Kristine:

Well, clip me off a piece of that.

Andrea:

Now, for editing we make special rate. Thatsa two hundred dollars an hour.

Kristine:

That's for editing?

Andrea:

Thatsa for editing.

Kristine:

And what do you get for not editing?

Andrea:

You couldn't afford it...Heh...you see, if we don't edit, we don't proofread. And, if we don't proofread...That runs into money.

Well, let's see how we stand...

Kristine:

On platform sandals with open toes and cork soles….

Andrea:

Yesterday, we didn't post at all. You remember, yesterday we didn't post?

Kristine:

Oh, I remember...

Andrea:

Yeah, that's seven hundred dollars.

Kristine:

Yesterday you didn't post, that's seven hundred dollars?

Andrea:

Si…. That's seven hundred dollars.

Kristine:

Well, that's reasonable. I can see that alright.

Andrea:

Now...today, we did post That's uh...

Kristine:

That's a hundred you owe us.

Andrea:

Say, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal...Tomorrow, we don’t visit the site altogether. That's worth about...

Kristine:

Fifteen hundred dollars. (laughs)

Andrea:

Yeah, thatsa about alright for me, but I gotta partner!
 

Kristine just looks at the camera as the scene fades to black!

based on the movie Animal Crackers
by the Marx Brothers....