A Mississippi River Romance Doubts by Andrea Lena DiMaggio   Life is what you make it At least that's what they say Well I think I'm gonna make it Fulfill my dreams one day I feel this fire growin' deep inside of me I'm so inspired knowin' that it's my destiny

Previously...

“And just in case you get lonely, like I said, to help make up for lost time,” he said again as he reached in one last time and pulled out a soft brown stuffed dog. If the jersey had started her crying, the dog sent her over the top and she burst into tears.

“Real tears...wow.”

Two Weeks Later...the Magliano home...

“Mom…you got a moment?” Miri called from the kitchen.

“Sure, babe. What can I do for you?” Giada was hoping for the mundane; the boring; the routine. Instead she got involved and complicated.

“What should I do about Cindy?”

“Let me ask you this? How do you feel about her?” Giada walked in and sat down at the kitchen table.

“I…I don’t know, Mom….she’s cool and all that, but I’m not sure.” Miri put her head down.

“Are you afraid of making a mistake?”

“Well…yeah, but it’s…Oh, jeez, Mom…I just don’t…” Her voice trailed off.

“You’re afraid you’ll get hurt?” Miri turned and faced Giada; the reluctance was evident in her face.

“You saw what happened to Adele with Rick…I don’t ever want to hurt like that.” She looked away and Giada touched her arm softly.

“You don’t want to get hurt like I did with your Dad.” Miri turned back and nodded as tears fell from her chin.

“There are no guarantees because that’s the way things work. If we could just demand our way; have someone love us no matter what they felt or even how we felt, it wouldn’t be love. It would be exactly like the control your Dad had over all of us…over me.” Giada sighed at the thought; her choice to stay with her late ex-husband had devastated the whole family.

“But it’s our life and even privilege to give our hearts to someone else; you see that with Adele and Danny. And what a blessing, right?”

“That’s just it; will I have the same thing with Cindy that they have? Will it be just like that; new and wonderful?” Miri paused.

“Why does she like me? Me of all people. She’s smart and she’s popular? What do I have?”

“Miri…honey…We don’t choose who we fall in love with. We can choose to give ourselves to someone else, but the heart sometimes makes choices no one can understand; some good and some not so good. With Cindy…she sees something in you that you don’t see in yourself. That’s such a blessing, honey.”

“She is kinda cute.” Miri began to blush at her own words even as the tears pooled a bit under her nose on her upper lip.

“I think you and she will find out how this will go. You’re still young honey, and there’s plenty of time.”

“This won’t last, will it?” Her voice sounded more fearful than skeptical. She sighed heavily and Giada hugged her.

“Well, you Aunt Margo fell in love with your Uncle Angelo when they were in middle school. It sounds like you do have some opinion about where you two are headed. I’m confident that you know deep down how you’d like to see things, and I know you’ll make the right choices, okay?”

“Okay…. Mom?”

“What, honey?”

“Do you like Mr. Rubio?” Miri’s left eyebrow arched ever so little and her lips pursed into a thoughtful grin.

“Yes, honey…very much.” Giada smiled and nodded. Miri laughed softly before mimicking her mother,

“It sounds like you have some opinion about where you two are headed.” She stammered a bit over the last few words before bursting out laughing.

“Funny… You may just get to find out how things are going. He and the girls are coming over for dinner on Sunday.”

'Cause I'm a believer
I know that I can make it
No matter what they say
So I'm a believer
The future is now
It starts today

A few days later at Megan Phillips office…

“So, would you like to tell me about yourself?” Megan nodded and smiled and pointed at the girl sitting on the couch; not to be rude, but to remind the girl that it was ‘she’ who sat before Megan and not her usual male self.

“My name…I chose it because it sorta reminds me of something that Mom told me…that nothing that has happened to me holds me…you know?” She tilted her head and almost squinted. Megan nodded in agreement.

“Like who I am and who I choose to be…the person I decide I’m going to be and who I decide to care for…that’s where I win…not what Daddy did to me or my sisters or Mom. So Victoria…Tori for short?” She blushed and Megan smiled.

“I think you made a great choice, Tori. Now…tell me a bit about what’s going on lately, okay?”

“You mean with Jerry….Elena? Oh shit…I can’t keep track of this… It’s all so new, Megan. I wonder sometimes if I’m screwed up.”

“That doesn’t sound very ‘Tori’ like; especially after what you just said. Let’s back it up a bit, okay?” Tori nodded but she turned her head away and began to cry.

“You’re so used to having others…especially when your Dad was around…others telling you who and what to be. And with what your Dad did to you? Has it been difficult?” Megan knew that it had been more than difficult; the girl had gone through anyone’s idea of the worst possible horror and yet she was strong and growing. Tori didn’t turn back, but nodded.

“It’s been terrible, and you’ve been hurt in so many ways. And all this coming at the same time as learning about yourself. Do you think maybe you’re being hard on yourself?”

“I…Megan…what if I’m this way because of what Daddy did to me?” She winced at the mention of her father, even though the words came from her.

“Well, Tori, almost anything is possible, but you know that. Do you remember what we talked about the last time?”

“Yes….” She hesitated, almost fearful of making a mistake. It was painful to believe that her gender identity may have arisen from her abuse, but that was a mistake that she and so many others would make…the belief was twisted and turned around, like a child blindfolded and hitting a piá±ata, but it was she who was being hit…and hurt…over and over.

“Let me remind you, okay….this is what you said…I’ll even read my notes, so I don’t get it wrong, alright?” Tori nodded silently, but for the soft whimper of crying. Megan hardly ever made physical contact during a session; not just for ethical purposes, but also because she didn’t want to ‘guide’ her patients into anything. They needed to arrive at their own conclusions. Here, though, she made an exception. She reached over and tapped the girl’s knee softly and sat back once again.

“Tori…listen…this is what you told me…’I..I don’t really remember much….I was about four or five and Mommy had gotten her wedding gown out to give to my cousin Tara. She was holding it up and then she put it back in the box….And Tara took it away.’” Tori…you were crying when you told me this.” Tori didn’t respond.

“’I started to cry…Mommy…why did you give it away…I want it.’” Tori sobbed at the hearing of her own account.

“We already know that your father didn’t start hurting you until you were nine….when they were separated for the first time and you visited over there, right?” Tori turned around. Even after death, her father still threatened.

“He had no right…it was….Oh fuck…why, Megan…why me?”

“I don’t know, Tori…I really don’t, but we do know for sure that it wasn’t your fault, right?”

“Ye…yes.” She hesitated. Even now, almost a month after her father’s murder, she still had doubts.

“You were nine, honey….he was an adult…right?” Tori nodded, almost reluctantly, as if it was somehow her cross to bear. But she did nod.

“And you were a girl in a way already, weren’t you?” Megan stressed the words girl and already.

“Ye..Yes…Yes!” Almost an epiphany; they had discussed this several times, but the idea finally was beginning to take hold.

“So you ‘aren’t’ a girl because of the abuse, are you?”

“No…” Still hesitant.

“Your father hurt you after…after you had already figured out who you were, not before. He didn’t make you a girl, did he?” She knew the answer, of course, but it was critical for the child to answer the question.

“No…I was a girl because…” She paused, looking at Megan for approval. Megan offered none other than respect; again, it was important for her to decide for herself what she believed.

“Because why, Tori?”

“Because…I was made that way?” Megan just looked at her with a half-smile, trying not to reveal anything.

“He….he hurt me because he wanted to….I was a girl….I am a girl.” She began to cry once again, but they were not tears of embarrassment or shame, but anger over the loss and grief and pain that her father had caused. She began sobbing; her fists clenched and her eyes squeezed tight. Megan sat quietly as the girl wept until she was spent. Megan reached over and tapped the girl on the knee with a box of tissues.

“Why…Megan?” The girl asked the same question, she thought until Tori added,

“Why was I made this way?”

“I don’t know, Tori. You talk about your faith a lot. What does your heart say…deep inside, what is your heart telling you?” Megan smiled.

Tori sat back and looked away, blinking out tears that came quickly once again, but these were tears of release and relief. She bit her lip in thought before finally answering.

“I don’t know why….but it’s like I’m supposed to find out…like …a journey…like I’m going to learn…and…” She hesitated once again but caught herself.

“No…I am going to learn who I am…and that I’m okay.” She smiled and began to cry again, more out of exhaustion than anything else.

Minutes passed before Megan spoke.

“Tori…I think you did great today…you’re so brave to face this…I’m so proud of you. Now remember what we talked about during the week, and I’ll even write down what you said.” Megan put pen to paper and wrote out the words Tori had spoken, underlining the words, “I’m okay.”

“Next week, same time?” The girl smiled and nodded.

Everyday I'm waitin'
Tryin' to find the patience
So close I can taste it
But sometimes it's so hard
But I'ma keep on pushin'
And I'ma keep on fightin'
And I'ma keep on tryin' because I've come too far

A few minutes later...in the waiting area...

“Oh…hi!”

Tori’s eyes lit up at the sound of a familiar voice. She turned around and found that Jerry was sitting in the waiting area with his sister Adele. While the boy was still wearing ‘his’ clothes, there was no mistaking that Elena, the child’s new persona, was Megan’s next patient.

“You…that…you’re pretty.” Elena blushed as Tori smiled at the complement.

“You…you are too.” Tori said and Elena looked at her own clothes, wondering how pretty a St.Louis Cardinal’s Sweatshirt and jeans could actually be. Her face darkened even more.

“Just wait until we get home, sweetie,” Adele said with a smile. I think Dr. Phillips might agree?” Megan nodded at Adele.

“She might agree that it’s time you started wearing ‘your’ clothes outside the home instead of Jerry’s.”

“Well, it’s time for our appointment. I’ll see you soon, Tori, okay?” Megan said once more before she and Elena went into the office.

“Adele?” Tori smiled and sat down. Adele followed and replied,

“Yes, honey?”

“Was…it…is it hard?”

“To be the way we are?” Adele purse her lips and half-smiled. She put her hand on Tori’s shoulder.

“Yes, honey…very hard.” Tori’s eyes widened in surprise.

“But it’s worth it, since it’s just us being ourselves, do you understand?” Tori nodded slightly but she seemed confused.

“We are who we are…you know…like it says…by the grace of God, Tor…So it’s all good, even when it isn’t. And believe me, I know.” She sighed but shrugged her shoulders slightly as a hand gently squeezed her shoulder.

“She does, Tori…and you’ll know soon…We’ll all be here for you and for Elena. Okay?” Tori looked up to see the approving smile of her brother Danny. Adele reached over with her left hand and squeezed her fiancé’s hand.

“All of us! We’re family, you know?”

'Cause I'm a believer
I know that I can make it
No matter what they say
So I'm a believer
The future is now
It starts today

Next: All in the Family! Finale’

Believer
By Christina Milian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJ-dPluEl84