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The Summer of Love
of Linda Piontak Novella by Andrea Lena DiMaggio
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Give me the touch that once you promised to be mine Or has it vanished for all time?
Previously...from the Romance of Linda Piontak…
”You…you’re the precious gift I was given. I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“Did she turn you down? I’m second best…maybe not even that. How can I trust you?”
“I don’t know. All I know is I love you. I fell in love with you the first time we met…when I touched your hand and we kissed that first day…I know I’ve let you down, but if I never get to tell you another thing, I have to tell you I love you Linda. I am so sorry I waited so long and I can only hope that it wasn’t too long.”
He looked her in the eye and she saw and felt and knew that he was as trustworthy as the day is long, as they say. She pulled close to him and leaned up and kissed him. Their tongues danced and their sighs and sobs mixed in a wonderful mixture of sweet and powerful music.
After a few moments Linda pulled back and turned away. She began to weep harder as Tony put his hand once again on her shoulder. She reached back and grabbed his hand.
“I can’t be what you need, Tony…I can’t…I’m not…” She swallowed hard and lowered her head.
“I know.” Tony knew it wasn’t an argument he could win, but he began to speak anyway.
“We’re different. You and me….we’ll never be like everyone else, but who says we have to be. I love you, and that’s all I want or need…nothing else matters…only you matter.”
“I’m…I can never have children.” She wept, not only for him but for her, feeling cheated by fate into becoming a pretender…she wasn’t real…only the image…the facsimile of what Tony needed.
“I know that’s important to you, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t important to me. But it isn’t so impossible that we can’t make adjustments. And it’s so soon to think about what we can’t have, Linda…we need to think about and be thankful for what we have.” He smiled and pulled her close once again.
“And I prefer to be thankful for you. You have healed me...made me whole…made my life real and with meaning. I love you.” He kissed her once again and their tears mingled before falling to the floor.
Julliard School of Music, Manhattan, New York City
"Jeez, Ms. Piontak...you don't take any prisoners, do you." Nate joked and looked over the music once again.
"It's just that I know you're capable of so much more, Nate! You're my best student." Nate beamed at the complement until he heard,
"But you're playing like you don't care...and that's the biggest no-no with me!" She half-frowned before continuing.
"You have a bright future in music, Nate, but only if it is the most important thing to you besides people."
"Come on, Ms. Piontak! I'm dating Cassie; that shows I care!" He laughed softly.
"No…that only shows you care about how she cares about you. Do you put her first in everything when you're together? Is what she wants and needs as important or more important that what's on your mind?"
Nate bristled at the question.
"What's so wrong about what's on my mind? You a prude?" He half-frowned.
"I have my own beliefs, Nate, but that's not what I'm talking about." She looked at him and then back at the piano in front of them.
"If Cassie is only important as a means to an end; to keep you satisfied and happy? To look at the music as just a way of meeting people or being popular? It won't work, and sooner or later, it will all just fall apart!"
"Are you talking about the music or Cassie?"
"Yes...both, Nate. If you see music as just a way to get ahead instead of the goal? If you see Cassie as just a way to make yourself feel better? It doesn't work, and in the long run, you'll end up empty-handed wondering what happened."
"Why do things have to be so complicated with you, Ms. Piontak?” Nate laughed and shook his head.
“I thought we were just practicing here, and I get a lesson about life. Jeez, why does everything have to be so hard?”
“Because we don’t do anything important alone; there are always people involved with anything that matters, hon!” She put her hand on his shoulder and smiled.
Linda's apartment, Brooklyn, New York
Linda sang softly to herself as she moved around the small kitchen in her apartment. Moving consisted of turning around to bump into the stove while opening the fridge and banging her knees on the oven door while getting dinner ready. It was the first time in weeks that Tony had made room in his schedule to come over, and she wanted to make it special.
"La luce che tu dai...Nel cuore restera...A ricordarci che...L'eterna stella sei. (I pray we'll find your light, and hold it in our hearts...When stars go out each night, remind us where you are...) Ow!" She banged her knees on the oven door as she forgot once again that she had left it open for the casserole she had on the counter.
Things had cooled off considerably since the middle of the semester. Between the classes she was taking and the teaching responsiblities, she had little time for leisure, but she had made a point to make time for Tony each evening, if only for an hour or so. He, on the other hand, had made little attempt to make time for her.
"Sogniamo un mondo senza piu violenza, Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza. Ognuno dia una mano al suo vicino, Simbolo di pace...di fraternita. (We dream of a world without more violence, a world of justice and hope. Each gives a hand to his neighbour, symbol of peace... of fraternity.)" She laughed softly as she thought of how much of a hand she had hoped for, even in singing the song. Their duets were sung less frequently and the alto harmony sounded odd without Tony's tenor to carry the melody.
As she placed the casserole in the oven the doorbell rang. Being careful to close the oven , she walked to the door and opened it. Tony smiled his engaging and warm "I've got something to talk about" smile at her. She kissed him on the cheek and pointed to the table.
"Oh...you made dinner?" He half-frowned; as if she had done something entirely inappropriate by being considerate of his schedule.
"Yes," She forced a smile, expecting he wasn't staying for dinner.
"I need to talk to you about something."
"Talk to you?" she thought. Not with you but to you always meant he had something important to discuss that involved him either reneging on a promise or springing something on her that he alone had decided they should do. She wasn't disappointed in her assessment as he spoke.
"I've got this great opportunity. You know how much you've been after me to start playing outside of school, right?" Ah, the obligatory "you" as a qualifier; it would be her fault if things didn't work out because it was her idea after all.
"Well, I've got a chance to play with an ensemble for the summer, right after classes end next week."
"That's wonderful...I know you'll enjoy it, honey." She smiled but his expression wasn't at all happy.
"There's just one hitch." One hitch with Tony was worth probably a hundred with anyone else. He cringed as if she were about to hit him. She'd never hit him, but he was right in anticipating how disappointed she'd be.
"It's in Europe…a tour all over the Continent. Isn't that great?" He smiled weakly as she frowned.
"Oh...okay." She continued to frown and she placed her hand over her mouth.
"You don't seem happy." An understatement to be sure.
"Tony...I am happy...for you. I'm just...we had planned on spending some time together. I haven't had much time with you as it is; and with you away all summer?" She bit her tongue; she wasn't going to cry in front of him, not now.
"You could come along? Couldn't you?"
"I'm teaching Summer School, and even if I wasn't, I don't have the money to go all over Europe; I'm sure someone is paying for your trip?" He nodded.
"Well, at least we can take a week off when I get back in August." He smiled at his solution, but she bit her lip, this time clear enough to be noticed.
"I have to be here for planning with the department as well as finish my own summer class. I can't take any time off."
"Just tell them you need some time for yourself." He smiled again
"If I don't teach, I don't get my stipend and this apartment, okay?" She was growing impatient with him, and he felt her frustration, but his response wasn't helpful.
"Well, I'm really sorry you feel that way. I mean...this is my big opportunity and you can't see how important it is to me."
"Tony, I know how important it is to you...I just...We haven't been spending any quality time together. You drop by when you feel like it and sometimes you don't even bother to call when you cancel. I'm not saying anything other than that I miss you and I don't feel like I'm important to you anymore. And feeling? It isn't feeling but reality. You have a full scholarship and room and board and a stipend for your tutoring. I barely get by on what I have. I'm not complaining, but you don't seem to appreciate how much effort I'm putting in for the two of us!"
"I try, Linda, believe me!" Tony held his arms out as if to plead his case.
"I can't compete with what you have; I put off...you know..." She looked down at her body, almost in shame. It hurt beyond words that he had forgotten about her impending surgery.
"Jeez, Linda....is it that time of the month?" Tony half-grinned at the taunt. He was completely surprised at her tears.
"That's so..." She sniffled once.
"I'm not going to cry...I'm not going to cry." She thought even as the tears began to spill onto the floor. He knew how much that meant to her...no period equals no children equals not a real girl equals not good enough....
"Hey...I'm sorry, okay. Let's try to make the best of this. You want to come out for dinner?" He used his hand in a broad gesture to point to the door.
"Tony...I made dinner for us...I've been planning this since Sunday."
"Well, I'm sorry...I forgot. Listen...the guys from the tour are downstairs waiting. You want to come or not?" He knew she wasn't in the mood for company; not after his news. She bit her lip and shook her head slowly; her anger was already replaced by a sorrow he still had yet to appreciate.
"Well, Okay...I'll call you tomorrow." He stepped closer and kissed her on the cheek before walking quickly out the door.
She ran to the window and looked down at the waiting car.
A tall attractive girl got out and gestured toward the building. He shook his head no and the girl shrugged her shoulders before patting him on the back as if he needed consoling. The car drove off and Linda followed its trail until it disappeared around the corner.
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
Linda slowly let the curtain fall back into place. She went into the kitchen and turned off the oven. She walked into her bedroom; closing the door behind her, shutting out the day. She looked at the pile of magazines on her bed. Modern Bride lay open to a photo spread for petite girls. She pushed the magazines aside and lay down on top of the covers, grabbing the comforter from the bottom of the bed. Covering herself she turned and faced the door; the mirror displaying her tearful face.
It was hard enough to compete in the outside world of music and school; she felt inadequate despite the assurances of her teachers and the department head. But here, inside, to compete with the pull of new opportunities and friends that Tony gained every day. And now another girl as well...a real girl? She felt incomplete, and nothing, even her surgery might ever change that. She rolled over, buried her face in her pillow, and cried herself to sleep.
I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa can you find me in the night?
Papa are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened
The next morning at Linda's apartment
"Dad....Daddy?" Linda looked at her father's picture, tears falling almost like rain to the floor. The picture was in a frameless matte, yellowing and cracked. She had another in nicer condition, but the one in her hands had a finger smudge from her father's hand, courtesy of a broken fan belt on the way to the shipout-point when he departed for Iraq.
"I thought he loved me, Dad. I'm...I don't know what I did to turn him away. Did I cling too tight?" His face still smiled, of course; etched forever in time with his child in his arms and his wife by his side. A happy trio. And Mom was very happy once again, now that she had re-discovered love with Laura Menendez. She could almost see her father smiling down at the two women; Ted Piontak loved Susan more than anything, and his love sustained her for so long after he died. Maybe Linda could draw on that love as well.
"It's going to be okay, Lee, honey," she imagined him saying. He never knew the side of his son... really the entire nature of his child that made her a girl, and never spoke the name "Linda." Lee was a nice name, though; not really gender-specific.
"It hurts, Daddy…more than it has ever…Am I wrong…I should just go back to being a guy…it would be better for everyone!” The picture wore the marks of many sad tears and maybe even a few happy ones as well, and the matte absorbed the new ones that fell from her face. Her father would never again speak to her, but nevertheless, she heard his voice in her heart.
“No, Lee, honey…better for no one…” The sound in her heart quickly faded, replaced almost as quickly as the phone rang.
“Hey sweetie,” she heard her mother say.
“Hi, Mom…I was just talking to Daddy.” “Daddy” came out a bit quivery.
“I’m fine,” she said nervously and she bit her tongue softly. Her mother picked up on the word ‘fine.’
“Mommy…he…” “Talking” to her father and then having a conversation with her mother right away was too much for her, and she began sobbing. She laid the phone down for a moment and looked for some tissue. She couldn’t find any so she grabbed a washcloth from her laundry basket and wiped her face.
“Mom…he’s going to Europe…all summer…you knew? MOM! How could you….He called Laura? Oh…he just told me yesterday, too.” She sniffled before using the washcloth to blow her nose.
“No…Don’t Mom…no…you don’t have to come out…no…oh…okay. Tomorrow? Yeah …okay… Mommy …it hurts so bad….he doesn’t care anymore….I should have never…what? Okay…that’s what….Dahhhdee said.”
She clicked off the phone accidentally. Looking down at her body, she immediately forgot everything her father would have said and what her mother actually told her. She determined that being a girl was the problem. Sitting down on the couch, she picked up a pillow and hugged it like a stuffed animal and began to sob once again, this time so loud that she didn’t hear the phone ring again and missed her mother’s call.
Papa, how I love you...
Papa, how I need you.
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me good night...
At Kellogg's Diner, Brooklyn, New York
Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own
“No, I haven’t told her.” Tony sat in the booth opposite the ensemble’s cellist. The girl frowned and looked at him askance.
“Why not? Are you ashamed of me?” She frowned and looked out the coffee shop window before saying loud enough to be heard at the diners in the back of the restaurant,
“Tell her, Tony. Both of us deserve that, and you owe it to her as well. She’s probably a good kid, but this has gone on long enough.
“I just don’t want to hurt her feelings.” He didn’t like, but he really was nowhere near telling the truth, either.
“You already hurt her; you told me she was crying when you left. Tell her so we all can move on.” He nodded before she finished.
“You pull this crap on me and you can kiss my ass goodbye!”
In front of Linda's apartment...
“Hi, mom,” Linda hugged her mother as she got out of the cab. Laura walked around from the other side, her face already awash with tears. She shied away from Linda’s proffered hug until the girl grabbed her arm and softly pulled her into an embrace.
“I’m so sorry, honey…I don’t know what I did wrong.” Laura already blamed herself for her son’s behavior, but she didn’t raise a selfish boy; he chose that path all by himself.
“I know…I know.” The girl was hurting but true to form was the comforter as she patted Laura on the back.
“She’s been crying since Thursday, honey.” Susan said before looking more carefully at her daughter. Linda was wearing jeans and an old shirt and she had pulled her hair back in a ponytail. She wore no makeup, leaving her mother to guess the worst.
“Damn it, Linda, no!” Susan rarely swore, at least in anger, but she was upset more than she had been in years.
“It’s his choice to be a fool,” Susan looked over at Laura who nodded reluctantly. They had talked a great deal throughout the flight. While all three of them loved Tony, it was Linda who needed their support, and not sympathy, but encouragement; she wasn’t a weak little girl, but a woman who needed to know she was loveable and important and worthy of respect.
“We are going up to your apartment and you are going to change your clothes, young lady.” Wearing jeans and an old shirt is fine, but Linda needed to remember that she wasn’t a boy acting like a girl; she was a woman, and her mother wanted to remind her of that.
“And some makeup, too,” Laura said, wiping her face with her coat sleeve. She smiled, but looking at the somewhat boyish appearance of her former future daughter-in-law caused her to burst into tears once again.
Later
“Yes.” Simple answer to a complex question.
“Is he coming over now?” Laura looked angry, and Susan looked very nervous for her partner.
“I said yes, so…yes.” Linda shrugged her shoulders and half-smiled.
“I’m going to give that boy a piece of my mind.” Laura grew agitated and jumped up, beginning to pace.
“Laura…Momma…” Linda had already begun to refer to Laura in an affectionate, family-like manner. She was family, but her role in Linda’s life would always be step-mother, she realized.
“It’s okay. I didn’t say anything, but he already knew you were coming since your phone call the other day. I don’t want this to be a confrontation. He’s going to come over here, and he’s still going to be my…bbeesstt… frrr…iend…ohhh kay?” She shook her head. She wished things were different, but she had felt for a while things were…off.
“I…I…I’mmm not going to abandon him. He’s still a part of my life… eeevennn…even though it’s pppasst.” She wanted to be strong. Her faith told her to forgive, but there wasn’t anything in her with enough strength to let it pass. She didn’t want to be angry. She wished they could still be friends, and maybe in time they could say that, but now, today…she was hurt, as much as anyone can endure without dying, and he would know, even if she spoke no words, that he had broken her heart.
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time
That evening...
The doorbell rang. Laura jumped in her seat with a start. Linda looked up slowly, her face red from crying. Susan calmly walked to the door and opened it. Tony smiled sheepishly and shrugged as if he knew something was wrong.
“Come on in, Tony.” Susan hugged him quickly but there was no emotion in her embrace. He walked over to Laura who just looked up at him and stared, her eyes saying everything her anger toward her son prevented her from speaking. Linda rose slowly and hugged Tony, the embrace filled with emotion, but not of anger, as he expected, but not with friendship either. It was as if she had already said goodbye even though no words had yet been spoken.
“I just wanted…I...you…” He stumbled over his words, like he were speaking at his own execution. Linda commuted the sentence.
“Tony,” she said softly as she walked over to her mother. Standing next to Susan, it almost looked as if she drew strength from her.
“Let me speak, okay?” Not a demand, a simple request, but the last one she would utter as Tony’s girlfriend.
“I should have known something was wrong a long time ago. You’ve made nearly no effort to be any part of my life for weeks. I postponed my surgery until January just so we could spend some time together, and you didn’t even acknowledge what a sacrifice that was for me. I’m not complaining, and I don’t want you to be sorry for me; I’m not sorry for myself.” She paused, hoping that she actually was growing strong enough to put self-pity and shame away.
“I’m angry with you, but I’m really more angry with myself.” Laura bristled at the remark; her son had treated this girl badly and she was almost apologetic. Her expression changed at Linda’s next few words.
“I deserve more than this. I never expected the universe, but you didn’t even give me your world. I didn’t expect riches but you didn’t even give me the time of day. I have been your best friend, and I thought you were mine, but right now I don’t think you’re even your own best friend.” His face grew red, not with embarrassment or shame, but anger.
“Well, I don’t deserve this ambush.” He looked so put upon that if you didn’t know what the truth actually was, you would have thought he was the injured party.
“Ambush?” Laura jumped up and walked over, standing toe to toe with her son.
“This girl has given you everything she has in this world, and you’ve returned her love with…” Laura tried to continue but the words were choked off as she began to sob. It was like losing Tony Sr. all over again as she realized she didn’t know the boy that stood in front of her. Susan rushed to her side and pulled her in for an embrace as Laura began to weep more than she had ever wept; even more than when she got the phone call that turned her life from wonderful to widowhood in a second; feeling incorrectly that she failed her son and not the other way around.
“Tony?” Linda’s voice was quiet but calm and firm. He looked away from his mother to see her standing by the door.
“I’ll always love you, but you need to leave. I can accept your treatment of me; you don’t owe me a thing. But you owe your mother your life, and she doesn’t deserve your anger. If you want to be angry, be angry at me. I’m the one who let this go on when I should have told you it was okay to leave, right?” Her voice was tinged with only a hint of sarcasm, but he got the point nonetheless.
“Okay…You’re right. She doesn’t deserve this…” He couldn’t bring himself to apologize to Linda, even after all of that. He walked back to his mother and kissed her cheek quickly while grasping Susan’s hand.
“Take care of Mom, okay?” He said it almost as if he believed that everyone needed a reminder to be kind but him. He went to kiss Linda on the cheek. She offered no resistance, but didn’t raise her arms to welcome his offered embrace. He looked once more at her, his face showing just how much he misunderstood her and his mother and Susan and mostly himself. He walked to the door and glanced once again at Linda, his expression the same as you might see of a little boy who was sent to his room for misbehaving; “fine…I don’t care…be that way.” With that he walked out the door and was gone.
Susan squeezed her partner’s shoulders and led her back to the couch where she sat her down. She turned just in time to see Linda begin to shake. She ran over to catch her daughter in her arms as Linda began to sob so much that her whole body began to convulse. Linda wasn’t a big girl, but her dead weight was too much for Susan and they collapsed to the floor. She held her daughter in her arms, rocking her back and forth as she cooed softly,
“Shhh…shhhh….It’s okay, I’m here….I’m here.”
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
I let you go
I let you fly
Now that I know I’m asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Silent and quiet
Again my life
Far from these moments
I wish I was
Linda's apartment, on the phone with Tony...
Passion and truth
We were about
Before the shadows
Stole the beat of our hearts
“I’ll send the jacket to your mom…I know she wants to keep it for you…Yes…no, Tony, I don’t hate you.” Linda shrugged. Was she kidding herself? Did she have the strength? Could she be strong? She couldn’t afford not to be.
“You mean the world to me, but I can’t do this anymore. No…I mean this is a perfect example…here you are on the phone…busy again, but you want me to make room… I’ve made room for you in my heart for over a year, and you only peek in and look. You don’t want to stay, Tony, and that’s okay. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t even say it’s wrong for you to be number one in your life, but I can’t be out of the running for the top ten. Yeah, that, too. You don’t have to believe like I do…I have my faith…but you can’t be angry with me over what I believe. Either you accept me or you don’t. No…” She took a deep breath.
“I know the next few days are going to be busy for you…no…no Tony, it’s not going to work. You can’t just come in and out of my life like this. No. Yes, I still love you.” It amazed her that after all this time, with his behavior toward her; it was he who sought approval and acceptance, despite how he treated her. He made no effort to affirm or support her, but he sought her support and approval.
“Yes, you can e-mail me…no, I can’t break away…no…no…Tony…yes, you’ll see me on line, and I'll see you in August when you get back...Yes...I love you…bye.” She hung up the phone. Shaking her head, she walked into her bedroom and threw herself on the bed and cried.
Undo this leash
You say tied
When only our fears are to blame this time
And what am I to you
Just spit it out
I'm not afraid of the words that you hide
Julliard School of Music, Manhattan, New York the following day...
“Linda? Got a second? Annette Perrugino called out from the department office as Linda was getting her mail. She walked over to the doorway and poked her head in.
“Sure, anything for you.” A phrase usually said in half-jest, but completely earnest between the two girls.
Annette laid several books on the secretary’s desk before walking over to Linda. She reached over and pulled Linda in close with her right arm, hugging her tight.
“What’s up?” Linda said as they parted. Annette smiled. They had only known each other for a few weeks, from the end of the semester, actually. Annette had been hired to fill Melanie Lu’s position as an instructor while Melanie was on maternity leave. The two of them hit it off immediately despite the fact that Linda had only turned nineteen and Annette was nearly twenty-seven.
“A bunch of us are getting together on Saturday for a late lunch. You live in Brooklyn, so this will work for you since the restaurant is probably only about a mile from your apartment. Javier and Rosa and I can swing by or you can walk there if the weather is okay. You know Gobi Restaurant?” She smiled warmly.
“No, but anything out sounds nice, especially with friends.” Linda smiled back. It had been quite a while since she had eaten out. She really couldn’t afford it, but it really was something she needed to do.
“Well, I’ll call you Saturday morning to see if you’re walking or riding.” She smiled at Linda before noticing the worried frown upon Linda’s face.
“Oh, Jeez! What’s with me…I forgot to tell you, a bunch of us gainfully employed folks decided that you needed a break and what with being an intern an all, we’re treating, okay?” Linda grinned nervously.
“Okay…so long as it’s not too expensive.” She shrugged apologetically, mostly for the need to be treated, but somewhat as well for her own self.
“Don’t worry about a thing, kiddo, we’ve got you covered.”
Linda almost beamed at the playful expression, remembering her father had always called her 'kiddo.' She remained in awe of Annette, being reminded even then of what she had to deal with on daily basis. The woman walked back and went to pick up the book she had set down. She accepted the proffered help from Ali, her teacher’s assistant as he placed the books in the crook of her right arm. She wasn’t wearing her prosthesis, and her left sleeve was pinned at the shoulder. She walked by Linda on the way out of the office and grinned slightly nodded, almost like Frodo at the end of the movie; she was alright.
Annette walked out of the office, feeling relieved at her clever ‘save;’ Linda couldn’t afford to come out for lunch, and she certainly wouldn’t come if she knew it was Annette’s treat alone. She smiled and hummed softly to herself as she walked down the hall.
Linda's apartment that evening...
Linda sat on the couch, trying to fill out the grading paperwork for her last class. Grading had been struggle all week, and she gave up trying for the day, unable to see the paper through her tears. She tossed the folder on the cushion beside her before grabbing the toy raccoon on her other side. She hugged it and rocked gently back and forth, pretending her father was holding her close.
“I know it hurts, Lee, but I promise it will be okay.” She felt her heart beat in her chest as the words reverberated inside her.
“Dad…I think I made a mistake.” She wanted him to prove her wrong as she looked around the room, seeking something of his that she displayed. She eyed the picture of him standing tall in his uniform, taken the day before he died. Laying the raccoon gently on the couch, she got up and walked to the bookshelf and picked the picture up, handling it reverently.
“There you are,” she heard him say softly, his voice soft and gentle but still loud enough to be heard over Beethoven’s 7th, Movement #2. His face almost glowed, the picture glass reflecting the sunlight pouring through her living room window. She smiled and took a deep, cleansing breath.
“What should I do? This hurts so bad, Daddy…I can hardly breathe…Why did he leave? What’s wrong with me?” She wished so badly for the answer that wouldn’t come in words, but her wish was answered anyway as she almost felt his hand on her shoulder.
“There’s nothing wrong with you any more than the rest of us,” she remembered her father tell her years ago when she failed to make the finals in her first piano competition.
“We all fall short somehow, Lee. Even me.”
She had idolized her dad like so many children do, and he never disappointed her if he could help it. But he had his faults, which he freely confessed, not only to his God and his wife, but his child as well. He wasn’t perfect, but he tried to be good and kind and fair, all of which anyone who knew him would agree he did.
“But what do I do now? He’s the only one I ever loved?” She sniffled and looked deeply into her father’s eyes, seeking advice. The glint of the sunlight reflected off the glass into a spectrum of colors on the wall, the bevel edge acting as a prism. She smiled at the sight.
“Be yourself,” she remembered. The last piece of advice she received before her father left for the final time. “Be kind and love as much as you possibly can.” His smile seemed to broaden as she recalled his hearty laugh.
“I can’t be prouder than I am right now. You and your mom are so special to me, and I love you very much.” Her heart grew bigger even as she became smaller and younger, remembering the last hug she received from him, one that enveloped her like a warm blanket on a cold day. Tears spilled onto the floor, but for the first time in over a week, they were happy, safe, and confident tears. No matter what happened from then on in, she knew that she was loved and always would be loved.
Linda's apartment, the following morning....
Where do we go
Where did it all crash
When did it start to fall apart
Silence and quiet
Passion, the truth
Shadows, only shadows
Linda placed the photos in a shoe box and laid the box in the trunk by her bed. Almost reverently, she went through every picture she had of her and Tony and wrote something on the back; about thirty in all, not counting the other pictures she had in a file on her laptop. It was her way of burying the past; the relationship was over, and nothing would revive it. She believed in miracles; don't we all, to some extent? But she also knew that as long as her connection to Tony existed; at least as a couple, her love for him would enable him to stay insensitive and thoughtless. It wasn't a punishment, but a gift to let him go. As she closed the trunk lid the phone rang.
"Oh, hi, Mom...yeah...thing are getting better...yes I'm wearing heels." She laughed softly, looking down at her feet, which sported the same old off-white Reeboks. "Wearing heels" was her mother's catch-phrase to encourage her to remember that she was a girl, after all. It really didn't matter what she wore as long as she could remember that.
"Oh...I just remembered. Tell Laura Tony left his letterman's jacket here...Yeah...I'll send it UPS tomorrow. He can pick it up when he comes home in August. No, I'm not going to...” She looked over at her fridge, which consisted of doing a 180 degree turn from the oven.
"They had to cancel the course because the professor's sister is very sick.... Yeah...lymphoma ...she's gone for the summer, and they don't have anyone to fill in....No...It’s too late to register for another class...." She reached into the fridge and pulled out the quart of orange juice and poured herself a glass.
"Well...I've got enough kids lining up for lessons, that I can fill my time and make money, so I guess it works out okay." She took a sip of the juice and made a scrunchy face. Orange juice after brushing your teeth is not a good idea.
"Yes, Mother...I'm okay...really. Well of course I'm still crying....but not as much...I promise ...no...Yes... well a bunch of the younger faculty members are going out for lunch on Saturday and they asked me along." She sighed. Despite her friends' kind offer, she wasn't really feeling ready to socialize.
"She's still crying...oh gosh Mom...put her on the phone...yes, put ...I know...you just told me that...but I need to talk to her." She shook her head. Breaking up with Tony didn't just affect the two of them, since their mothers were each others step-moms as well.
"Laura...Momma....please...you're a great Mom...yes....no...Yes...I'm still crying....oh gosh, Momma, it’s okay...yes...of course I still love him...I always will. Yes....Brother...that's right....no...I know...I wish it worked out too!" Her eyes began to fill with tears. The 'missing' was getting a bit easier every day, it was the 'hurt' and the 'regret' tears that still flowed on a regular basis.
"Yes...of course...why would you think that...oh I'll always love you no matter what...yes...you're my Mom, too! I love you too, Laura...okay...bye..." She breathed out a deep sigh and wiped her face with a hand towel lying on the counter.
"She's still crying? Oh gosh, Mom! Oh...okay...Tell her again I love her. What? Okay. I'll call you Sunday after church, alright...yeah...your time, not mine. I know...Mom?" The safety of her mother's voice reached across the miles and held Linda as she began to cry again. You know, the kind of safety only a parent's arms can provide; the kind that says it's okay to cry, 'I've got you."
"When does it stop hurting?" She paused, waiting her answer but really knowing the answer already. She sighed once again and stuck her tongue out slightly in thought.
"Yes...I'm sure I'm going to be alright...I just wish I knew when. I love you Mommy." Not one to be childish, nevertheless, "I love you Mommy" was an important part of their relationship; no matter how old she'd get, no matter what job she'd take or what honor or accomplishment she might achieve, to them both, Linda would always be Susan's little girl.
After all we have been through
I can only look at you
Through the eyes you lied to
I'm givin' up, givin' up
I'm givin' up on you
After all if there is no way out
If you cannot stand beside me
If there isn't love
There is only pride
I'm givin' up, I'm givin' up this fight
All I recall is the moment
Sadness is fading away
It is for passion I'm falling
but now I'm back on my feet again
I wanna rewrite the story
Not even what seemed insane
At the Gobi Restaurant, Brooklyn, New York…
"Over here," Linda heard the call from the large table; Annette Perugino motioning her over with a friendly wave. The table was crowded. Ali, Annette's TA sat next to Nora, his girlfriend. Rosa, one of the vocal teachers sat next to her brother Javier, the newest member of the faculty next to Annette. He had been teaching voice in Mexico City, but jumped at the chance to work alongside his sister.
Sandwiched between them and Annette was Melanie, late of the faculty and three weeks away from her delivery of her twins along with her husband Carmine. Rounding out the group was Annette and a man in his late twenties. He stood up as Linda approached the table, pulling his chair out from the table.
"Here, why don't you take my seat; you can talk with Annette easier that way." His voice was strong and confident, yet almost soothing, like an old family friend.
"Thanks." Linda shrugged her shoulders slightly as she sat down, looking to her right to Annette, who smiled and tapped Linda's wrist softly.
"I'm so glad you're here." Annette beamed as she looked around the table; their friends nodding in agreement. Linda followed the movement all around the table, finally turning toward the man, who smiled at her and nodded as well.
"Me, too. Hi, my name is Dave, Dave Crocetti. So glad to finally meet you. Annette talks about you all the time." Linda felt her cheeks grow warm from the attention. She wanted to say something but for some reason nothing seemed to escape her lips and her head seemed to be fixed in one place.
"Dave just got back from his third tour." Annette went to continue but Linda interrupted.
"Where did you tour? Europe?" The word "tour" was too fresh in her mind.
"Iraq." He smiled as his correction didn't make fun of her misperception.
"Ohh…" The red in her face deepened until Annette spoke,
"Dave is a conductor." Annette smiled and patted Linda on the arm.
“I met Dave when I was in rehab at Bethesda.” She eyed her empty sleeve and smiled, which amazed Linda. Annette had truly come to a peace about her loss, and was in a place of contentment that Linda could only dream of.
“I had just been flown from Germany, and I felt very alone….and this one…” she used her glance to indicate Dave.
“This one was in the bed next to me when I woke up the next morning. We’ve been close ever since.”
At the words, “we’ve been close,” Linda felt a bit crushed inside. Something about Dave had become immediately appealing. She bit her lip.
“It’s too soon…come on, Linda….” Her thoughts were interrupted by Dave’s calm voice.
“I had given up hope…like my life was over, and this one brought me both hope and joy.” He smiled at Annette, causing Linda to wince. She hoped her expression didn’t match the disappointment she felt inside. This guy was too, too good to be true and her dream was over before it started.
“I still wonder what I would have done if Annette hadn’t come along, would I even be here today?” Linda looked into his eyes and saw the embers of despair that still burned low.
“Well, I’m so glad that something happened to bring us together.” Annette looked around the table as the rest nodded in approval. Linda winced again, first at the word “us” and then at her attitude. How could she be jealous of her friend over someone she had just met? She hoped her shame didn’t show but she felt her cheeks grow warmer and likely still red.
“When I finished rehab, I found that I didn’t have to leave the service, and I was able to hook up with a medical unit back in Iraq. I’d still be in a bed in a hospital somewhere if she hadn’t made me look at myself as more than just a survivor.” His glowing report of Annette continued to both disappoint and embarrass Linda, and she put her hand to her face to check the growing warmth once again.
“I’m sorry, Dave, this is so uncomfortable, and I’m sure you get this all the time? What was your injury?” Linda asked nervously. Dave smiled with a smile that says, “Don’t worry, I’m fine,” and said,
“I’m sorry, I should have explained…here.” With that he held up his left hand, showing them that he was missing his middle, ring, and pinky fingers.
“Got shot…oh well, there goes Carnegie Hall.” He said it as calmly as someone who might be describing a new cereal they’d tried or a toaster they’d purchased at Wal-Mart. Linda looked into his eyes again, and she felt so much love for him and so much shame for herself for even thinking badly about Annette. Dave went on.
“I play...I played Violin. I was so broken; you can’t imagine what it feels like to know you’ll never again be able to do the thing you love most….I’m sorry…I presume too much….I can’t know what you’ve been through.” There it was again; such a humility…caring for the feelings of others while setting aside his own.
“I got off better than most that I met at Bethesda.” He glanced over at Annette, who just nodded and smiled and said.
“We met a fellow who lost both legs, and he was so devastated. I can’t imagine how he could cope; it was so sad.”
Annette sighed and Linda felt smaller than she had ever in her life. Here her best girlfriend had endured almost unspeakable loss and pain, never again to play piano; a concert talent that was denied.
And to see Dave in the same light? He seemed to have overcome so much; his voice was tinged with only a hint of regret, but filled with more hope than she had ever imagined would be possible in the midst of such loss. She wanted so badly to reach out and hold him, almost as much for herself as for him, as if his optimism and joy would infuse her with the same hope.
“Linda?” Dave’s voice softly interrupted her thought as he leaned closer. “Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry? What? I didn’t hear what you said.” She stumbled over the words, her face flushing with warmth once again.
“I’m okay, really,” he said softly. Linda looked around and noticed the others at the table were staring at her. She put her hand to her face and felt the tears that covered her cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” She really had nothing to apologize for, but her ever-present self-conscious criticism convinced her otherwise and she continued.
“I’m…so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I seem to be crying a lot lately.”
She had been crying a lot, but this was different. Her shame over her selfishness was only outweighed by a perceived loss of something she didn’t even have; the man in front of her was simply the most beautiful human being she had ever met, and she hated that she was so jealous of her friend and ungrateful for her own blessings.
“I have to go, I’m so sorry. Thanks, Annette, but I can’t stay.”
She tried to exit gracefully but as she stood up she spilled her glass of water and bumped only slightly into the waitress who had just arrived with their food. She walked quickly to the front of the restaurant and was gone.
Annette went to stand up but Dave put his hands out, palms down.
“I think she needs to be alone right now. Why don’t you stop by or call her later?”
Annette nodded and half-smiled; still concerned for Linda. A moment later a tall woman in her thirties approached the table.
“Hey, babe, sorry, I’m late. Hi, everybody. The Collins twins took a little longer than we expected, but they’re just fine.” She leaned over and kissed Annette hello before sitting down.
“I’m sure your bambini will come out just fine, Mel. You’ve got a great guy there to help us along, right?” She smiled at Melanie and Carmine before turning to Dave.
“Hey, brother mine….” Bernice Crocetti kissed her brother on the cheek before motioning for the waitress.
How could I ever feel sorry
for being stronger than I am?
I've cried enough
Over the priceless time I've lost
I've learned the going gets too tough
Now you regret love
I've cried enough
What you'll see on my face again
Is nothing but the rain
I've cried enough
Linda's apartment, later that afternoon...
The sound of “Serenade For Strings by Tchiakovsky filled the apartment, but the playful mirth and lilt of the strings were lost on Linda as she stood in the middle of the livingroom, crying softly.
“He’s nice, Daddy…” Linda took one last look at her father’s photo before returning it to the bookshelf.
“Who am I trying to kid; he’s got Annette…a real hero. What have I ever done? “
If Linda had actually taken stock she would have remembered all the children she had given her passion to, the ones who were playing and loving Brahms and Gershwin and Brubeck. The little girl from her neighborhood who fell in love with music just from Linda’s ‘that’s it…now you’ve got it” enthusiasm.
The kid from middle school still played soccer but gave up a hope for stardom to seek solace and fulfillment in the sound of jazz bouncing up and down and all over the keyboard. Instead, all she heard was,
“I’m no good.” She was about ready to set out the cups and saucers on her table for her pity party when the phone rang.
“Oh…hi Annette…no, I’m okay…I guess I’m just having a hard time….yeah, it’s only been two weeks … no… he didn’t call me yet….I sorta didn’t expect it. What?”
Linda turned toward her front door. She walked to it quickly and opened it, finding Annette standing there on her cell phone with a huge grin on her face. Standing behind her was Dave and next to her was a woman who looked almost familiar. She scanned the woman’s face and then noticed the resemblance between her and David.
“Sorry you had to leave. We figured you needed some cheering up, so we came over. Oh, sorry…this is my girlfriend Bernice…she’s Dave’s sister.
“Gggirl….girlfriend?” Linda stared at Bernice like she had two heads.
“Yeah…you know…a friend….who happens to be a girl.” Bernice took Linda’s comment the wrong way and Annette figured out what was going on and said….
“No, honey…I think she thought your brother was my….boyfriend.” She turned and looked at Linda with an “am I right,” expression. Linda nodded.
“Oh Jeez…I see. Well…” Bernice paused and sighed, shaking her head.
“Sorry about the attitude.” Her smile was almost identical to Dave’s as she displayed an “Why don’t we start over “look. She held out her hand but Linda seemed lost.
“Linda?” Annette followed Linda’s gaze. She was looking over Bernice’s shoulder to see Dave’s smiling face….that face.
“May we come in?” Linda nodded once again, looking somewhat dazed. Annette tapped her on the shoulder.
“Honey…Are you okay? We just wanted to let you know we care.”
“We…We?” Linda muttered as she wandered back into the apartment, her friends fairly certain she did want company after all.
Why would I try to deny it?
Most of my dreams are a mess
But what didn't kill me in fact has taught me
Life's a big game of chess
Although I believe in the future
I keep in mind all the past
Now that I live in the present
I don't care about the rest
Here I go out to see again
The sunshine fills my hair
And dreams hang in the air
And I need a friend
Oh I need a friend
To make me happy
Not stand here on my own
Moments later....
Annette led a dazed Linda to the couch before walking into the kitchen.
"I'll make us some coffee, okay, hon?" Annette said.
"Oh...okay." Linda looked up to see Dave smiling at her...that face."
"You left so quickly and you were so upset. We wondered what was upsetting you so much. Annette says you've been through a rough stretch lately." His voice was almost disarming and his smile coaxed her to speak.
"I just broke up with my boyfriend...." Her voice trailed off and she put her head down, as if it were something to be ashamed of.
"That's really hard. Annette and I broke up last year." Bernice said, her smile at odds with the statement, and certainly at odds with what Annette had mentioned just minutes before.
"Oh...yeah...that is a bit strange, isn't it?" Bernice continued, noticing the puzzled look on Linda's face.
"We still love each other, don't get me wrong. She's been my closest friend since I met her when Dave was going through rehab. That part of us will never change, but you know yourself how people themselves change? We're suited for love, just not each other."
Bernice turned toward the kitchen and smiled at Annette, who returned the smile with a nod. Bernice didn't catch Annette's slight frown or her shrug of the shoulders.
"When I got out of the service, I think I was really looking for someone to accept me. Dave of course did, since he knew exactly what I was going through." Annette said as she came back in.
"Coffee'll be ready in a few minutes, okay? Anyway, Bernice was there for me at a time when I was really down. Dave had gone back to Iraq by then and we sorta fell into each other." Annette said as she sat down next to Linda on the couch.
"Believe it or not, Bernice was my first love." Annette said it candidly, and her smile and tone disarmed any notion of disbelief, despite the fact that she was almost twenty-eight.
"My music was the world to me...to the exclusion of everything and everyone else." Annette shrugged and shook her head. Her face flashed a glimpse of guilt, but it was gone quickly as she continued.
"It took losing my music to help me understand what is really important. That and the love of two of my dearest and closest people. I think Dave showed me how to survive and Bernice showed me how to live." She looked at them and back at Linda.
"I'm sorry, you know enough about me already, dear. Dave, tell Linda about your big news."
"You mean about me and Justin? Bernice playfully slapped the back of his head as she stood up. She walked into the kitchen to get the coffee as Linda stared blankly at Dave.
“Me and Justin???” She thought, hoping it wasn't out loud.
"That, too, Sweetie, but first about the job?"
"Oh, yeah. Anyway....Linda, are you okay?" Linda nodded and continued to stare at Dave.
"Anyway, the officer who conducts the Marine Band is retiring, and they want me to take over. It means a promotion, of course, and....Linda, are you okay? Annette?" Annette turned and looked at Linda, who continued to stare at Dave. She nodded and half-smiled.
"I'm going to have to turn it down, of course. Three tours in Iraq is enough service for my country. Don't get me wrong, I loved the work I did and the position is a huge honor, but I can't continue while the don't ask thing is still in effect. Maybe someday but not for me."
His voice was calm and he was almost childlike in his tone; like a kid who forgives his sister for some minor offense instead of someone who was disappointed and saddened.
"Justin left last month after his second tour. He's moved back with his parents for the time being, but we'll be getting an apartment in Jersey City next month." Dave beamed at the mention of his boyfriend, leaving Linda sitting in front of him, staring.
"Don't ask...." She muttered once before fainting.
Look at me standing
Here on my own again
Up straight in the sunshine
Twenty minutes later...
Linda felt like she was in a dream. She was lying in field of clover, her hair spread wide by a nice breeze. The sound of Beethoven's Sixth Symphony, the Fifth Movement seemed to be playing, as if the strings were speaking her name. She felt the soft caress of lips kissing her cheek as she heard a voice calling softly...Linda, Linda....
“Linda? Linda ...sweetie...Linda?” She looked up and saw Annette’s smiling yet concerned face.
“Wha...what happened.”
“Not eating is what happened. Whens’ the last time you ate?” Annette took a cup from Bernice and showed it to Linda.
“Vegetable Tofu Soup from King Panda...good for what ails you, sweetie. You passed out. Have you been eating?” Linda looked down and shook her head no.
“Honey...you’ve got to take care of yourself.” She looked up and Bernice smiled. Linda smiled weakly but winced when she continued.
“You just broke up with your boyfriend whom you’ve known since??? Forever?” Linda nodded.
“And you’re feeling more than sorry, right?” Linda looked at her and winced again.
“I’d be willing to be you don’t feel good about yourself...maybe even think you’re not worth the effort...second rate?”
“Where did she get that from?” Linda thought. How could she know?
“You’re not the first person to feel damaged, honey. “ Annette interjected, looking at her empty sleeve. Of course she’d say that; who couldn’t feel hurt and damaged after going through what she had. Linda once again felt very small and bowed her head.
“See, right there is what we’re talking about.” Bernice turned to Dave who shook his head.
“Dave and I still have both our mom and dad, and they love us for who we are. Annette says you lost your dad when you were a kid, and at such an important time in your life."
“How can they equate my hurt with their loss? It just didn’t make sense.” Linda thought, holding her chin against her chest. She started to quiver and tears streamed down her face.
“I’ve known you....an hour, tops? I immediately saw two things...just looking into your eyes.” Bernice smiled, but her own eyes began to fill with tears.
“You bear the weight of the world on your shoulders; like it’s all your fault and responsiblity to fix everyone who’s ever been hurt, right?” Bernice didn’t wait for an answer.
“And your heart is filled with so much love, but so much hurt and doubt, honey.” Bernice turned to Dave, who nodded. She continued.
“You have to know that you’re just fine the way you are; there is nothing wrong with you, despite anything you’ve ever heard or even told yourself. And I ought to know how it feels to be on the wrong side of that, right?” She smiled and nodded not really knowing why as the tears still came.
“Your boyfriend left you because he couldn’t handle your heart, dear.” Linda winced until she heard her next words,
“Just being you made it difficult for him to face himself. He’s got to find himself, and it can’t be with you; you’ve already realized that, and it hurts, but it’s not you, honey, no matter what.” She was right, of course.
“Listen, you’re not the first trans-woman to go through this, and you certainly won’t be the last.” Linda was startled to the point of nearly spilling her soup. Annette grabbed her free hand and held it.
“I’m sorry, honey, but you needed another friend; someone who understands what you’re going through.”
No need to laugh and cry
It's a wonderful, wonderful life
No need to run and hide
It's a wonderful, wonderful life
“How...what...Annette...I told that to you in confidence....” She tried to protest, but something seemed oddly good...even right about Bernice and Dave knowing her secret. She looked over at them and Dave smiled.
“Linda Piontak, you’ve met my sister Bernice....meet the former Angelo Seraphino Crocetti.”
He laughed softly at the clever turn of phrase until he noticed that Annette held Linda in her arms once again as the girl had fainted.
No need to run
It's a wonderful, wonderful life
No need to laugh and cry
It's a wonderful, wonderful life
It's a wonderful, wonderful life
No need
It's a wonderful, wonderful life
Free the dream within
The stars are crying a tear
A sigh escapes from heaven
And the world's end
Breathe the dream within
The mystifying
We tremble and spin
Suspended within
Somewhere in time....
Look beyond where hearts can see
Dream in peace
Trust, love, believe
We tremble and spin
Suspended within
Linda sat at the piano bench, her hands poised to play. Tony got up from the bench and walked around and leaned softly on her shoulder, kissing her right cheek.
“I’ll always love you....”
The soft touch on her shoulder eased as Tony disappeared. Linda looked around to see that she was in a field on a hill overlooking an array of flowers that covered hillside which led away to a beach which in turn led to the ocean. She heard the sound of seagulls filled and the hint of salt filled her nostrils with its welcome aroma.
“’Claire de Lune’, ma fille?”
The man sat beside her, rubbing her right shoulder. She looked into her father’s smiling face and breathed deep, his strong scent of cologne mixed with the salt air.
“Oui, mon pere,” Linda said playfully. She placed her left hand on the keyboard. Her eyes fluttered as she gave out a deep sigh. Had she looked over, she would have seen her father’ eyes close softly, the same deep sigh coming from his mouth. The lovely strains of Debussy came but quickly faded away as she heard her name being called....
Linda's apartment....
"Linda, hon? Are you alright?" Once again, Linda came slowing out of an odd dream to see someone ... Bernice...looking down at her.
"I'mm....I'm okay." She sat up quickly but lost her balance and slumped against the arm of the couch.
"Whoa....easy does it, kiddo," Annette said with a smile. She grabbed Linda's hand and patted it softly.
"What happened?" Linda looked around, dazed.
"I just finished introducing you to my former brother, dear." Dave pointed to Bernice, who had sat down across from Linda and Annette. Dave walked behind Bernice and started rubbing her shoulders.
"She can tell it better than I can, right, Sis?" Bernice nodded and began.
"Mom and Dad were so supportive. I had my surgery after I'd just turned twenty; in fact it was in Montreal...the place to go, huh? Mom is Canadian; my uncle Dave is a surgeon, and worked it out for me." Linda nodded.
"I had all that support, and there still are days when I have doubts...I think we all do, you know? I have a friend in Connecticut who still struggles with it nearly every day; she's the sweetest woman you'd ever want to meet, but her family couldn't accept what she'd done, and they love her as much as anyone can who doesn't understand." Linda shook her head and put it down.
"You blame yourself for your boyfriend...like it's your fault for not being complete, like somehow you got up one day and decided to deceive him."
"He wants kids....I can't give them to him." Linda's lip quivered.
"It's more than that, hon. You want kids, maybe as much as you've ever wanted anything, right? It's in us...built in; because we're women...we want to be mothers. And we can, but not in the way everybody thinks." Linda began to tear, mirroring Bernice.
"You have so much love in you, Linda." Annette patted her hand once again. "So much love for everyone, but not enough, maybe even none for yourself."
"I tried so hard to make him happy. And it wasn't enough...." Linda's voice trailed off as she looked down at her body.
"I'll never be enough...." She kept shaking her head as if to convince herself of the truth of her misperception.
"That's what I tell myself maybe every other month? Some days are better than others. I think the more support you have the better it gets, but only you can tell yourself the truth, hon."
"I'd be willing to bet you even feel guilty about feeling bad....like you owe it to someone to be brave...you're almost twenty yourself and you figure you should grow up, right?" Linda shrugged her shoulders and nodded.
Annette interjected,
"You're a beautiful woman who doesn't see what everybody else sees. Just like you figured out how much encouragement and love your students and friends need, someone will come along and help you realize that about yourself. How precious and special you are...how lovely a person you are."
"Tony is a great guy, but right now he's into his own issues, and he really has never been able to be that for you. Oh he loves you in his own way, but he hasn't been able to build you up, especially now when your own huge doubts and fears tear you down."
"He's really a good guy," Linda said, nodding her head, "I just wish things had worked out....It hurts so much." She put her head on Annette's shoulder. Bernice got up and stood next to her. She patted her on the back and spoke.
"Your loss can't be mixed together with everything else. It hurts, honey, but it's not because you're any less that you think you should be. If anything, you loss is because Tony isn't ready to be what he should be for you, and that's just how it is."
"I...I...know.....I just didn't think anything could ever hurt this much." Linda sobbed.
"It's okay, honey...let it out....get it all out....you're going to be just fine.....and everything is going to work out...I'm sure of it." Bernice looked at the girl and felt more confident than she would have ever expected, only just having met the girl, but something just felt good and hopeful.
Two Days later at Julliard....
“Ms. Piontak?” Linda had finished her last lesson for the afternoon, hoping to go home early. She turned and saw Nate and Cassie standing in the doorway.
“Nate...Cassie...how are things with you two?” She smiled as she noticed the pair holding hands.
“Pretty good....I wanted to thank you.” Nate beamed. Cassie squeezed his arm.
“I don’t think I would ever have appreciated my music if it weren’t for our talk. I’ve been listening to my playing like it’s a conversation with the piano, like we said?”
“He even puts his head on the piano sometimes while he plays.” Callie smiled and rubbed his arm.
“And I think I’m finally figuring it out with the rest of my life....like I finally know what it is to serve rather than expect to be served all the time, ya know?”
Linda nodded and smiled broadly.
“I don’t know if I’d even still be in school if it weren’t for you, Ms. Piontak. Thanks.” The two leaned closer and hugged Linda before Nate finally said,
“It’s like you helped me realize what’s really important. Thank you so much!” The two walked away and Linda picked up her briefcase. She walked down the hallway, and her step seemed to be a bit bouncier than usual.
“Linda?” Another familiar voice called her from behind. She turned to see Annette walking quickly toward her.
“Hi...what’s up?” She cut the distance between them in half as she walked toward her friend.
“You have time to talk?” Linda nodded as the two walked toward the office.
“I’ve a huge favor to ask. Now before you answer, you need to know that I don’t want you to feel obligated...okay?” Annette smiled.
“For you, anything, my dear.” Linda laughed softly.
“You know the benefit concert the students are putting on for Melanie and Carmine? They’ve asked the faculty to participate.” Their daughter was okay, but the added doctor bills from the unanticipated surgery had put them back severely. The students were going to pay the expenses of the concert themselves and turn the proceeds over to the couple.
“I’d be happy to play, dear, but I’m nowhere near what these kids are.” She smiled and almost automatically looked down at the floor, feeling unworthy.
“Well, that’s only part of my request, and you’re so much better than you think....I don’t know anyone who plays with as much feeling as you do. But I have something else I need help with.” Now it was Annette’s turn to look down.
“I told you anything; please....whatever you want.” She put her hand on Annette’s left shoulder.
“I need some help, and only you can help me. I want to play for the concert.... Melanie and Carmine have been my friends for such a long time, and I feel like it’s something I don’t just want to do; I need to feel a part of it.” Linda nodded, wondering where Annette was going with it until she noticed her friend looking at her left hand.
“You play left and I play right, you know?” She said it as if it were something that was done all the time. Her smile exuded confidence that it would not only work, but it just might be something special; it certainly was special enough for Linda to say,
“I’d be honored. What do you want to play? Beethoven? Prokofiev? I’ve heard the recording of your Moonlight Sonata...what would you like?”
“I was thinking of Claire de Lune?”
After a few rough patches the first six times through, the duo seemed to come together when Linda suggested that they move closer together on the piano bench. Annette shied away at first as Linda put her right arm around Annette’s waist, pulling the two closer.
“Feels like a three legged race,” Annette joked nervously. The two looked at each other as if to say, “Here goes nothing,” but the results were truly something special. Each time through seemed to be better than the time before until it was as if the two had melded together to become one. It was something so wonderful; you might almost have anticipated what happened next.
“This is so much fun, kiddo.” Annette said, unknowingly once again using the same pet name Linda’s father had used when she was little. Linda turned and smiled and noticed a look on Annette’s face that even may have caught Annette unawares.
“Annette? What’s wrong?” Linda frowned as if she had done something, but Annette shook her head.
“No, honey...I’m sorry...you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that when I got back from Iraq I thought I had lost my music forever...and you just gave it back to me...This is the best day of my life, and I’m just...so happy.”
She put her hand to her face and began to cry softly at first, then weeping in sheer joy. Linda embraced her friend, wanting to comfort her and feel close. And it happened.
“I’m so happy for you...you deserve the best...I’ve been hoping and praying that something would bring you a blessing...I couldn’t dream I’d be part of it.”
Linda began to cry, mostly from her own healing but also from the privilege she felt in knowing such a precious friend. She kissed Annette on the cheek. Annette turned to her.
“I....I have to go....please let go of me.” Tears streamed down Annette’s cheeks, falling onto the keyboard and her hand. Her voice was nervous, but she wasn’t angry or upset; she seemed fearful in fact.
“What’s wrong? What have I done?” Linda continued to hold her friend close even as she felt Annette pull against her embrace.
“Nothing....you haven’t done anything wrong...I have.”
Annette shook her head even as Linda put her hand to her friend’s face.
“What could you possibly have done? You’re the best friend anyone could ever have. You’ve been like a sister to me.” Annette winced at the word, ‘sister.”
“No...I’ve....we can’t...I need to go.”
By now, Annette was weeping, pulling against her friend’s embrace even as she welcomed it. She turned and faced Linda and the look in her eyes was something Linda had never seen before, at least with someone else; a look of pain mixed with gladness, as if she was being flooded with more conflict than a human being should endure. The look that says, “I don’t deserve to be happy, can’t you see that?” The same look that Linda saw when she viewed her own reflection in the mirror.
“No...don’t go...stay...it’s okay.” Linda said to Annette as she kissed her cheek again; a sisterly kiss meant to console and show acceptance, but she could never have anticipated what happened next. Instead of continuing to struggle, it was as if Annette all at once agreed suddenly with what she had been telling Linda all along for herself; that she was worthy of love.
She leaned closer and kissed her; tentatively at first, as if she feared Linda would bolt from their embrace. Her lips brushed softly against Linda’s, sending a shudder down Linda’s back. Almost instantly, Linda found herself kissing back. She kissed the corner of Annette’s mouth, lingering and savoring the tears that had collected there. The salt was mixed with the taste of Annette’s lipstick, and it was likely the sweetest taste that Linda had ever experienced. She continued to kiss Annette, who took her hand and pushed it through Linda’s hair.
“I’m so sorry....” Linda began to sob....
“I never meant to....I’m so sorry...” She tried to stop, but she kept kissing Annette even as her apologies grew quiet. Both protested but both failed to convince each other and they continued to kiss until Annette pulled away suddenly. She stood up and turned to leave, but felt Linda’s hand on her skirt.
“Please...I’m so sorry....don’t go...I’m sorry.”
“I have to...I’m sorry too.” Linda sat helpless as Annette walked quickly through the door and was gone.
That Evening at Linda's apartment....
“Daddy...what did I do? She’s my best friend and I ruined it all...I took something she can never... something she needed so badly and I made it my own.” Linda held the picture; her father’s smiling face looking on with his constant approval. She wanted to argue against that look but found herself more confused than ever until she heard his voice in her heart once again.
“Lee, It’s okay...don’t worry.”
She couldn’t even remember what he was trying to soothe; what pain he wanted to heal, but the words crossed years once again as she recalled the soft touch of his hand against her face, drying her tears.
“Whom did you want to please, Lee?”
She thought for a moment and a smile began to break across her face even as the tears still fell. She had wanted only the best for Annette. Her father’s touch spanned time as the pat on her back made her consider that maybe it was she who was best for Annette. She sighed, believing herself to be wrong once again. The phone rang. She picked it up quickly, failing to look at the caller ID, hoping to hear from her friend.
“Annette?” She said softly. A brief silence was quickly followed by an unfamiliar voice.
“Hello, Is this Linda Piontak?”
“Yes,” Linda said as she wiped her face with her sleeve. “Who is this?”
“Hello...You don’t know me. My name is Astrid Menendez.....” Her voice trailed off and Linda shuddered at the familiar last name, her worst fears confirmed a second later.
“I’m Tony’s wife....we have to talk.”
Look beyond where hearts can see
Dream in peace
Trust, love, believe
We tremble and spin
Suspended within
Free the dream within
The stars are crying a tear
A sigh escapes from heaven
And the world's end
I don't know what is going on
You turn around and touch my heart
A silent moment speaks the truth
Something has happened all at once
It should have scared me in advance
But I was falling in those eyes of yours
"Excuse me? Tony Menendez isn't married...not the Tony I know." Linda argued, but she wasn't even convincing to herself.
"You are Linda Piontak, right? Look, I'm sorry this is so abrupt, but I really need to talk to you and I'd rather not say anything more until I can see you face to face. Can you meet me sometime for coffee? Starbucks near Julliard?”
"I don't know...okay...sure...why not." Linda said reluctantly. Part of her had still held out hope that Tony had changed, but now that was a moot point as far as she was concerned.
“I’ve got your number saved in my phone…I’ll call you tomorrow.” She tried to sound angry and icy, but it just wasn’t in her, evoking Astrid’s response,
“And Linda…for what it’s worth, I didn’t know about you and Tony…and I am so sorry you had to find out this way.” She hung up as Linda said to herself,
“So am I.” She tried so hard not to cry, but the residuals of love don’t fade as quickly as the relationship and she began to weep. He hadn’t changed at all, she felt, and likely never would. But he had changed, and for the better, much to the benefit of everyone he knew, including himself, as Linda would find out eventually.
Julliard…three days later….
I know you
You're not from here
I've waited for you to appear
To take my breath away
"Annette?" Linda called down the hallway as she spied her friend...no, that wasn't right...much more than just a friend...walked away from her. She brushed past several students with an urgency that almost forgave the rudeness of her path. Annette turned around, feeling the touch on her shoulder. She tried not to wince, but wince she did. She smiled awkwardly, acting as if she hadn't seen Linda when both of them knew she had.
"Oh...hi." She said softly even as she tried to step side-ways to avoid Linda's touch.
"Annette...please?" Linda tilted her head, trying to read Annette's expression.
"How are you?" Annette said almost automatically, as if the moment they shared the other day had never taken place.
"How am I? You ask me how I am?" Linda wanted to be angry; it was almost as if the whole day together had been a dream, and she wanted it so badly to be real.
"I don't know how I am. I can't even think straight. You don't return my calls; you walk away when you see me." Linda bit her lip as tears came to her eyes. She felt abandoned; more over she felt rejected. But the look in Annette's eyes convinced her otherwise.
"What did I do to push you away? I'm sorry if I hurt you. It wasn't something I ever thought I'd do, and I would give that all away if I knew you didn't hate me." She gasped as Annette pushed her hand away while grasping it tightly.
"Hate you....I don't hate you. Let's just leave it at that...okay? I've got to get to a meeting, and I can't talk right now. I'll talk to you, okay?"
Annette pulled away abruptly and walked quickly down the hall, leaving Linda to wonder how things would ever be the same. She didn't realize that things would never be the same again between them, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing, which she would discover shortly.
And make me weep
You're not from here
Not from this here and now
Just a touch of yours
Linda’s apartment that evening….
"Mom...I'm so confused. I don't know what to do, and it's so hard...it's almost like Tony all over again, but it feels even worse in some ways because I didn't expect it and now it's gone." Linda heard her mother talking to Laura.
"No, Mom, I haven't talked to her or Tony since she called....it's too hard...what? Well, she didn't go into anything....He hasn't called you either? How's Laura...Yeah ...I can understand how she feels...no, I take that back. I could never understand how she....Yes...well, Mom, it's not like I'll ever be a mother, you know...I'm sorry...I didn't mean to ...okay." She paused while Susan got Laura to the phone.
"Yes...of course....No...What? That's nice of you to say...I know you're not just saying that...it's just that I don't have any hope, Laura...no hope at all." Linda began to mist up at the thought of never having children; the sore point sticking her right in the heart once again.
"Laura...okay, Momma, I wish it were different....no, she's pushing me away...she's pushing...not leaving.... she's....oh gosh, I never thought of that....Pull harder? How do I...well....I do love her, but I don't....it wouldn't hurt as much? I don't know, Laur...Momma, I just don't....Okay...okay, I promise to try...what could happen that could be worse, right? Okay...I love you so much...." She held the phone in her hand waiting for her mother to return.
"She's so...I 'm so glad you found someone to love...yeah...like an angel...Mom... I'm.... I'm afraid... yeah....just like that....no...It’s so....like nothing I've ever felt. I don't want to start something...it's already started? I guess so...Mom....I wish you were here....Yeah...I talk to Daddy all the time now....you too? What about Laura...oh...I understand...she still talks to Tony's dad too? It doesn't stop, does it....maybe when I get off the phone with you...yeah, I'm sure he'll be glad to hear from you, too. I love you too, Mom...I hope it does...yeah...I know...I love you....okay...I'll call you tomorrow."
Linda hung up phone and walked over to her bookcase, picking up her father's picture once again.
"If you're the best friend you can be, Lee, things usually work out."
"Dad...she doesn't want to talk to me...like somehow we're both doing something wrong."
She recalled a similar talk she had years ago; how Lee was being treated by his best friend Jeff, who had started ignoring him over an argument they had regarding matchbox cars.
"Be a friend, Lee, that's all you can do. I promise everything will work out somehow."
"Okay, Daddy, I'll try. Mom says hi.” She laughed softly and then stared at her father’s smile once again, which brought a feeling of safety, which in turn evoked,
“Daddy...I miss you so much," she began to sob as she sat down on the couch. She remembered his last words to her, a phone call the night before he was killed in action.
"I miss you too, Lee...more than I can say. Give Mommy a hug for me and know that I love you." She put the picture against her bosom and wept.
And so
Fear was gone
I knew there was nothing else
I'd ever want
Julliard…the following day…
Linda walked into the practice room and found Annette sitting at the piano. She walked over and stood next to the piano as Annette started to get up.
“You can have this...I’ve got to go.” Annette looked up as Linda put her hand on her shoulder.
“No, you’re not going anywhere, and neither am I.” She pushed down and prevented Annette from getting off the bench.
“Stop...I can’t.” Linda noticed that Annette’s eyes were very red, probably as red as her own, and she spoke.
“At least tell me why...you owe me that much after the other day.”
“I...This is wrong....it can’t be....I don’t...” Annette began to shudder and tears flowed down her cheeks.
“What? Don’t what, Annette? Don’t what...Deserve? You don’t deserve what?” Linda bit her lip to keep from crying. She needed to know for Annette’s sake as well as her own.
“Shhh...Shouldn’t be here...should have died....not fair.” She looked at her stump which stuck out from her short sleeve; it was as if the disfigurement were the better part of a deal she had struck unknowingly.
“What’s not fair? Let me in, Annette.” The woman shied away from her; Linda detected shame and guilt, and she needed to know why.
“I should have died....Megan....she was engaged....almost through with her tour.” Linda sat down on the opposite side of the bench and looked into Annette’s eyes; guilt mixed with sadness mixed with relief.
“When we got in the Hummer; I insisted riding shotgun... she sat in back....We weren’t even supposed to be there....supply convoy got mixed up...turned the wrong way.” Annette’s eyes begged forgiveness, but it wasn’t from Linda she sought her absolution.
“We ran over an IED....the blast sent me out the door and into a pile of hay....I sat up and it was gone...the Hummer was blown to bits and Megan was gone...and Juan and Bennie, too. I...” She looked again at where her left arm once had been and began to shake violently.
“Should have died....she was supposed to be in front....her wedding....I should have died.” Linda pulled her close and stroked her hair as she sobbed, convulsing enough to shake the bench.
“No...No...Not your fault.” Linda said softly in Annette’s ear.
“It happened...not your fault, honey...don’t cry...please...it’s not your fault.” Linda began to weep, maybe more than she had ever cried. She cried for the girl who died...she cried for Annette...she cried for Tony...not for herself other than that she realized if things had been a little different that day, she would never have even met the love of her life.
“You deserve to live because you survived. You lost so much that day, but you survived, and I am so glad you did. I love you.”
She pulled Annette into a kiss; not amorous or romantic in the truest sense, but romantic in that it was the purest expression of acceptance and love that she had ever expressed, and it was almost sacred. Annette surrendered to the love of her best friend; the love that would heal wounds too deep for a surgeon’s scalpel; wounds that while unseen did more damage to Annette than any other harm would or could do.
“I don’t deserve you.” Annette sobbed.
Linda didn’t want to be abrupt or dismissive, but she couldn’t bear her love repeating a lie that her guilt and shame had spoken. So she kissed her again; this time amorously and romantically. She was a child becoming a woman becoming a lover; perhaps a wife, and she kissed Annette like there was no other way to demonstrate their love. Linda left her childhood behind as she became for Annette what Annette was becoming for her as well; she had found her partner...her mirror image; opposite and yet alike as well.
Just a touch of yours
And I fly... and I fly... and I fly
I can't get used to missing you
And yet Annette also grew that day as well. Just as Linda attained a measure of maturity, Annette regained a measure of her lost innocence and childhood. Where a moment before sat a younger woman, inexperienced and filled with doubt and another woman sat, older and wiser and doubtful in her own way; now sat two women equal to each other and both certain and secure in one solid and tangible thing; their love for each other.
“You...you really love me?” Annette said it as if she feared Linda would say no.
“Yes...oh yes.” She kissed her again, this time with less urgency; the guilt and shame faded away as both realized that they were lovable and truly loved. She kissed her with a tenderness she had never ever known she had; as a lover instead of a student. She kissed her mentor who had become her beloved. And Annette treasured and savored the kiss, from her own beloved; no longer ashamed, but filled with pride and joy for the first time in her life.
That afternoon…at Linda’s apartment…
Chopin's Nocturne played softly in the background as they sat on Linda’s couch.
“I bet you think I’m being silly.” Annette said. Linda shook her head no.
“I...I think it’s sweet.” She shrugged her shoulders slightly and smiled.
“Okay...but only if it’s okay with you?” Annette asked and Linda nodded with a big grin.
She picked up the picture from the couch and held it out so they could both see Linda’s father smiling at them from beyond the past.
“Mr. Piontak....Oh gosh...this is so...” She looked at Linda once again who used her eyes as if to say,
“Well, go ahead, he won’t bite.”
“Mr. Piontak,” Annette said softly as her eyes began to mist.
“I love your daughter....and I wanted you to know that if she’ll have me, I’d like to ask...” She hesitated again, but not out of embarrassment. She still felt a bit guilty and unworthy; a habit which would fade away, but slowly and only with Linda’s help.
“I’d love to marry your daughter.” A mean feat to accomplish, even in as progressive a state as New York, but since Linda was on the near side of her surgery, she was still legally male, and as such no barriers prevented their marriage. Just the one, most important detail remained. Linda looked at her father’s face; once again seeing those loving and accepting eyes, remembering something her father once said.
“Don’t forget, Lee. Try to put others needs above your own. If everybody did that, we’d all be much happier people, right? I trust you, and whatever you want in life, if it brings joy to you and blesses someone else, you know I’ll be behind you, okay?”
“So...what did he say?”
Annette wasn’t being disrespectful or patronizing at all; she knew that Linda would know what her father would say if he were there. Linda’s broad smile and happy tears said it all, and the two embraced, giggling and laughing in excited joy.
She held her father’s picture again, and his presence seemed to fade; the photo looked more like an old picture than it ever had even as her father seemed to retreat once again into the past. She knew then that while she’d always have the love of her father, every bit of acceptance and affirmation sat beside her, and she’d never want for either of those again.
I know you
You're not from here
You don't belong to lies and tears
The greatness of your soul
Makes me weep
You're not from here
Not from this here and now
Just a touch of yours
And I fly... and I fly... and I fly
Tell me, tell me how you knew about my heart
You see, see the things that no one else could see
I thought, I was doing fine until you turn my life around
With everything you'd find
Deep inside I thought that I had died
Starbucks near Lincoln Center, several days later...
Linda arrived fifteen minutes before ten, wanting to get a seat that would allow her to scope out the competition, despite the fact that there was no longer any competition. In fact, the girl she was about to meet was her new...sister-in-law. She sat back and sipped her cranberry juice as she waited for the new Mrs. Menedez.
A tall girl walked into the shop. She looked very determined, very pretty and very tall. Linda stood and went to greet the girl, who just walked by and waved to some friends in the back of the shop. Linda shook her head and sat down, laughing softly to herself. She looked over at the clock on the wall behind the counter but turned as she heard,
“Hi…Linda?” The girl smiled and sat down. She was only a bit taller than Linda, and apart from her blond hair, was fairly nondescript.
“Hi, I guess you know…I’m Astrid…” Linda waited for the “Menendez,” but the girl just continued.
“I’m going to get a coffee, you want?” Linda nodded.
"Dark, no sugar?"
Astrid got up and walked over to the counter as Linda sat dumbfounded. She had thought that the girl would have been the one she had seen the day Tony had told her about the tour. The girl returned a moment later and sat down once again. She looked away, as if she were trying to gain some courage.
“First off…I want to apologize before we go any further. You never deserved the way you were treated and I am so sorry.”
“Typical,” Linda thought. Tony was letting someone else fix his problem.
“Well, it’s alright now.”
Linda lied. It wasn’t alright. She was in a wonderful relationship with Annette, but the fallout from the hurt over Tony’s behavior still hung like a cloud over her head, even if it was slowly but surely dissipating in the breeze.
“No…it’s not. You didn’t deserve the way you were treated after all you had been through together. I…I’m so sorry.”
The girl’s eyes were filled with tears, which threw Linda off. She had set out that morning wanting to be angry, but the girl was making it very hard.
“Listen…why did you want to meet me? You didn’t have to talk with me at all; it’s really Tony’s responsibility…and where is he anyway?” Astrid looked out the window once again before answering.
“I wanted to tell you how it all happened…try to put some sense to it…context. And Tony’s not the only guilty party here. He had...well, he had split with the cellist from the ensemble and...We both knew when we got married that you two had plans… we just didn’t count on falling in love.” It was like a line out of a Diane Lane movie, and Linda was disappointed that she was the victim of the whole charade. Linda wasn’t a victim at all; in fact, there were never any victims, which she was going to find out.
“I guess you had to say something since Tony’s in Europe?”
“Tony is here…the tour was canceled at the last minute. We live in Queens.” Astrid’s tone was more relaxed, but she still was misty-eyed.
“Whaaa…what?” It was Linda’s turn to look out the window. Astrid reached over and touched Linda’s wrist softly. Any resolve that Linda had in remaining angry went out the window as she took note of the girl’s tears once again.
“We got married two weeks ago. You have to know neither one of us wanted to see you hurt in any way, but we were so self-centered…so into us that we lost all perspective.” Her words weren’t so much an excuse as a confession.
“I’ve been after him to call you…just to talk to you, but it’s just too hard.” Linda couldn’t understand that other than reluctance, why anything would keep her best friend from at least acknowledging what had taken place…no, what he had chosen.
“I don’t understand. You said you live in Queens…why hasn’t Tony tried to contact me.?”
“You have to understand that he’s simply so sorry; so ashamed of what he did…like he can’t face you.”
“So you’re apologizing for him?” Linda bit her lip, feeling disappointed once again that Tony didn’t have the decency to talk to her face to face.
“I’m only speaking for myself. It’s really up to Tony to talk to you. I’m only sorry that he can’t.”
“How can he not talk to me?” Linda thought.
“You look familiar…you in the ensemble? Didn’t I see you in the cafeteria at school?” Linda looked askance at the girl who shook her head.
“Oh, no…I don’t play an instrument. I sing…occasionally. And I’m not a student. I studied voice until I ended up with polyps and an esophageal ulcer. I graduated from CCNY a few years ago with a BSN.” She smiled, looking much more relaxed and at ease.
“You’re a nurse?”
“Yeah… Brookdale, right around the corner from your neighborhood. You really don’t know who I am?”
“No…but you look so familiar.” Linda smiled and tilted her head in thought.
“We share a commonality besides Tony, Linda. We’re so much more alike than either of us would have known.” She nodded and smiled as if to say, “hmmm???” Linda still looked almost clueless.
“I go to a support group at St. Jerome’s Episcopal, but I went to the support group at Julliard until February since I knew folks there from before I left for CCNY. That’s where we met.” She smiled again and a look of recognition crossed her face. Linda only attended one support group; a group for transgendered women. Astrid nodded.
“My last name is Nilsson. My birth name was Anders….it could have been Lars or Ulfie…hell, what else would you name your Swedish-Danish son?” She laughed softly and patted her wrist once again.
“So we have a lot more than family in common. I hope that we can at least get along for Laura’s sake.”
Linda winced at the mention of her step-mother’s name. How could she even think about being family with this woman when she was hurting from the slight. She sighed out of frustration before asking,
“I don’t understand? If you’re not a part of the ensemble, how do you even know Tony?”
She asked the question as if Astrid had crashed a private party. Astrid frowned and tears came to her eyes once again.
“You know how Laura’s family has a history of heart problems and such?” Linda nodded, wondering where Astrid was going, but she could tell by the look on her face that it wasn’t any place safe.
“I work at the Stroke Center at Brookdale…Linda….Tony had a stroke right before the tour was to have left; he’s been rehabbing since the beginning of summer. Linda…oh God, I’m so sorry…” Astrid had nothing to apologize for at this point, but she felt guilty nonetheless at not having spoken to Linda sooner.
“He’s recovering better than anyone could hope for…only a bit of a problem with some words, but he’s gotten so much better that the doctor is confident that he’ll be back to normal, speaking wise by next spring.”
"He's changed so much...you wouldn't know it from the outside....maybe...but something broke inside of him...he's so kind and caring. There's something that left...whatever you want to call it...selfishness... ego? I don't know, but he's like reborn...and maybe me too?"
Her voice trailed off as she looked out the window, which seemed to be more of a safe distraction than a source of strength for either woman. When she turned again she was struggling to not to cry, and failing miserably. Linda looked in her eyes and knew immediately what she was trying to say.
“No…Oh God no….oh no.” Linda grabbed both of Astrid’s hands with her own. She leaned across the small table and placed her forehead against Astrid’s.
“Tell me…tell me he’s going to be okay…tell me….” She sobbed as Astrid shook her head no.
The two women drew the attention of an older couple sitting at the table next to the window. The wife looked at her husband and rolled her eyes and shook her head. Her husband just dismissed the two with a wave.
“He’s going….going to be able to use his left hand…eventually.” Astrid said haltingly after swallowing hard.
“But….”
She shook her head again before placing it on her arms on the table, and Linda began to weep softly, partly out of compassion for the woman before her, for the love that once was and the true deep abiding love that remained for Tony, but so much more for the shame of feeling so selfish and small; she knew from the look on Astrid’s face that Tony would never play concert piano again.
Linda's apartment that afternoon...
(You make me believe) When I thought that love was gone, all gone
(You make me believe) And you prove that love was strong, so strong
(You make me believe) 'Cause you touch inside of me
Something I would never have believed
Until
Until you conquered me
Annette heard the muted sounds of Beethoven's 7th, the moving passionate and sad second movement...Annette knew something wasn't right...something sad and sorrowful filled the apartment along with the music.
“Hi…kiddo? Linda?” Annette called at the doorway. Even with their relationship, Annette honored Linda’s space. Poking her head in, she spotted Linda sitting on the couch, rocking slowly as she sang softly to herself.
“Honey? Are you okay? How did your meeting with Astrid go?” Not too good, she thought, by the looks of it. Linda looked up and smiled.
“Oh…hi…o…okkkkay.” Linda began to sob softly.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” She hesitated asking any more questions, and sat quietly while rubbing Linda’s left arm.
"They've been married....two weeks....hardly knew each other....they met...." Linda paused and shuddered.
“Tony had a stroke…..he had….he can’t….ever.” If anyone would know how Tony felt, it would be Annette. She pulled Linda close and kissed her cheek.
“Oh, God no, honey….no…” Annette said softly. Linda began to sob harder and Annette just softly repeated,
“Shhhhhh….shhhh,” while stroking Linda’s hair.
“I’ve been so wrong….I’m so….He was my best friend…and I’ve been so angry since he left.” Annette knew that the anger wasn’t out of jealousy…well perhaps some. Even she knew how tangled folks can stay even after they move on and find new love.
“I know honey…it’s okay….it’s going to be alright.”
You say, you can our future
In my eyes
You say, you can break the chain that always ties me there
Teach me how to fly again
You make my life complete
The love you give to me
Deep inside I know that this is right
If any other human being had uttered those words, they would have rung hollow, but from her lover, they rang loud and crystal clear. It still hurt, more than any other pain that Linda had ever experienced, and it was a good pain, since it was focused outward in disappointment and sadness rather than her tears and sadness of the past.
“You must hate me…I don’t deserve you.”
Annette had heard those words out of her own mouth enough to finally have realized how untrue they were. She pushed Linda away slightly and looked in her eyes.
“That’s a lie from hell, Linda…stop it. You and I are one…we were meant for each other. If I deserve to have your love…then you deserve mine…always.” She pulled Linda into her and kissed her, tenderly… softly, as if she were treasuring her as a delicate flower, easily bruised and broken.
Linda returned her kiss with her own. She looked at Annette and saw only acceptance; an acceptance that she only recently began to appreciate. And then she looked away slightly to her right. Annette was wearing a light blue silk sleeveless top, which was very pretty, but also revealed Annette’s shortened shoulder stump. The limb, such as it was, still bore the scars of both injury and healing. Linda leaned closer and began to kiss Annette’s shoulder, softly kissing each scar one by one, as if it were a sacred task. Annette shuddered as nerves were provoked by feelings long thought dead. It almost felt ticklish…that feeling you might have if you’ve ever cut yourself deeply and the touch of the fabric of a trouser leg or sleeve scraped over the long healed scar.
“SSS…sttooooppp.” Linda looked up and Annette had begun to sob. Not out of sadness, but out of sheer exhiliration from being accepted and even adored despite her disfigurement. She had seen only a lack, but Linda saw beauty….
“I love you so much.” Their words came almost simultaneously, a duet composed and scored with pain and sadness, but more so…ever so much more written by the joy and love they had for each other.
I was lost
I thought I would always be alone
I thought I could make it on my own
But you...
Changed my life
Now...
Everything I thought my life could be
Changed the day you conquered me
Reprise - Conquered
Tell me, tell me how you knew about my heart
You see, see the things that no one else could see
I thought, I was doing fine until you turn my life around
With everything you'd find
Deep inside I thought that I had died
The Menedez apartment…
The doorbell rang twice. Astrid went to get up to answer it, but Tony shook his head.
"No...No..." He struggled to speak; the words were no longer slurred, but it took him a bit longer to say them.
"Honey...she loves you...she never stopped loving you." Astrid walked to the door and opened it, hugging Linda and Annette.
"I'm glad you came...." She took a breath and then turned to find Tony had walked out of the lving room and was sitting at the kitchen table. It was almost as if he were a kid trying to play hide and seek.
"Tony, come on...this is important. For all of us." Astrid looked at Linda as if to say, "What should I do?" This was all new to her, being an only child who had been rejected long before her transition; her parents were indifferent and would have ignored and neglected her even if she hadn't changed.
"I think I can help..." Annette's voice trailed off as she walked quickly into the kitchen. He really had panicked; Tony was sitting at the table sobbing with his face buried in his arms resting on the table.
"Hey...it's okay." Annette's unfamiliar voice surprised Tony. He looked up to see Annette looking at him sympathetically, and she put her hand on his shoulder.
"Whatever it is, we're all here for each other. Like it or not, no matter what you think should have happened, it didn't. And no matter how disappointing things turned out; no matter how angry you are at yourself? We're family, and we're not going anywhere." Annette patted him on the back before continuing.
"I'm going to see if there's any tea, and maybe we can sit down here and talk, alright?" She nearly whispered it as she patted him on the back once again. He looked up and noticed her face was kind and accepting; something he felt he didn't deserve. And then he noticed that her left sleeve was pinned at the shoulder.
"Tea is in the cabinet right over the stove. There's an electric kettle on the counter." Astrid pointed as she stood back. Annette seemed to be taking charge, but not taking over, it that makes sense. For someone she had just met, Astrid was amazed at how comfortable she felt around Annette. A few moments later, the quartet sat at the table, almost enjoying an uneasy truce in a war that should never have been declared.
"Linda? I wanted to apologize to you while you're here and apologize to my husband" Astrid looked at Tony and tears began to fall.
"I wanted so much to fix things...that's what I do...I'm a nurse...I can't stand to see people hurt. But I was wrong in speaking for Tony. It wasn't my place for either of your sakes to say anything other than my own regrets. And I'm so sorry for my part."
"I've been thinking about that day ever since we talked. I'm not angry with you, but I was upset; I should have stopped you right then and there, so it's partly my fault for not speaking up. But you're right; Tony needs to speak for himself." As she said the last few words, she turned and faced Tony as if requesting his reply.
"I pushed you away...over and over....I kept telling myself it was all your fault, but it wasn't. I was so wrapped up in what I thought you wanted that I didn't ask you. I was so afraid you'd leave me that I pushed you away. But you didn't have to leave, either. You never took the time to tell me what you wanted or needed. I spent weeks waiting for you to change, when I needed to change; and I have. I'm not the girl you remember; just as you're not the boy I fell in love with.
"Linda….I’m…so….sorry…” It was painful to watch him struggle with just a few words. He took a breath, strengthend by Astrid gripping his left hand.
"You…deserve…better…:” She was tempted to forgive him right then and there, but like a caterpillar, he needed the resistance of his struggle to continue his change. Anything less than allowing him to speak, as much as a struggle as it was, would be a disservice to all of them.
"Please…forgive……me?” Astrid turned her head and began to weep. Yes it was painful, but the smile than began to grow on Tony's face was indication that he was glad that he had to be there, as difficult as it was.
"Tony, as God is my witness, I forgive you." It wasn't an emotional act; it couldn't be for it to be real; she was still hurt over the years of friendship he had cast away so carelessly. She was still disappointed in her own lack of self-esteem that led to her fears. Both needed to have the other accept them; they were joined forever by their parent's marriage and now, even if things weren't as they felt they should have been, they still could be something wonderful.
"Please forgive me," the voice came from beside Linda. Annette put her hand on Tony's and Astrid's.
"I was so angry that you had hurt Linda; I was so protective; even before we knew we loved each other." Tony looked at her without any understanding other than that it was more than a gesture. Annette truly wanted forgiveness and reconciliation. Astrid grabbed Annette's hand and squeezed, her tears welling up in her eyes once more.
"I am so sorry for hurting you." The words were still slow, but came incredibly from Tony's mouth.
"You were…my…best…friend." He put his head down and wept, not out of shame, though he felt ashamed. He mourned the loss of something special that he would never have again; a trust that was violated beyond complete repair, and the realization that he caused the death of that trust and care overwhelmed him.
"I love you....I always will....nothing will change that...ever. But we're happy now...all of us, for what it's worth. And I am sorry for my part, too. We can sit here and apologize all night long, but it's time we let it go." Linda's voice was calm and measured; she seemed to exercise an authority like nothing anyone could remember, including her; it surprised her, but came as no surprise to Annette, who believed in her even before she believed in herself.
"I have a suggestion, if you're willing." Annette looked over at Linda, seeking permission for what she was about to say. Linda didn't know what it would be, but she trusted her future wife, and nodded in agreement.
"We have to....well, we want to, but in order for this to work, we have to get married before Linda has her surgery. With a tentative date of February 20th, we talked it over with Susan and Laura. If you would like, I...." She paused and looked at Linda, who smiled and nodded again, knowing where Annette was going with it.
"Maybe you'd like to attend at our wedding? I mean not just come to it, but be witnesses?"
Astrid looked at Annette. Here was the day of a lifetime for both Annette and Linda, and they were willing to overlook...no, that wasn't right. They were willing to set aside any hurt to bring peace to the family.
"You mean....stand up for you?"
"Yes...I think it would mean the world to Tony's and Linda's moms, and it would help put the past behind us."
"I'll have to think about it." Astrid shook her head. Each of them felt that the hurt of the breakup was healing; would their presence hinder or help Linda and Annette. For that matter, would it help her and Tony.
"I...I....don't...deserve....it." Tony shook his head. And his words were filled with truth and conviction; he wasn't playing martyr. He truly felt that he didn't deserve to share in the celebration because he still felt guilty.
"No...you don't. But can't you see. This is where it all started, and it has to end here. You and I are going to feel badly, but you and I have so much now." She certainly wasn't minimizing Tony's stroke; the recovery would still be long and hard, and just like the death of their relationship, Tony needed to mourn the death of his gift. But just like the death, there was also a resurrection of sorts for both of them.
"Astrid loves you. And Annette loves me. We're happy...all of us, when it comes down to it. Yes, we have our struggles, but we're strong and we have those who love and care for us."
"I feel that I've been blessed beyond anything I could ever have imagined....and I'm not second best, do you understand?" Annette stared at Astrid, who looked away in embarrassment.
"I noticed that when no one was talking....every time....Tony looked at you, Astrid...and he wasn't looking for an answer or advice or pity or help. His eyes just loved the heck out of you!" Astrid turned to see her husband's steady gaze; Annette had seen something very special, even if it was birthed out of pain and disappointment, Tony's love was sincere and true...truer than anything he had ever held dear. Not baseball, not piano, not Linda. Astrid was loved by her husband.
(You make me believe) When I thought that love was gone, all gone
(You make me believe) And you prove that love was strong, so strong
(You make me believe) 'Cause you touch inside of me
Something I would never have believed
Until
Until you conquered me
"You seem to have forgotten something," Astrid laughed softly with a nervous laugh.
"She's got the same look for you that Tony has for me....she just loves you so much. When you talk she hangs on every word..." Annette nodded. She didn't need a reminder, being confident already that she had truly met the love of her life. But she turned to Linda and smiled, as much for her sake just to see those loving eyes again.
"Astrid?" Tony's voice was soft and clear. He smiled at her, the left side of his face cooperating with a decreasing reluctance, it seemed.
"I love you." He raised his left arm with difficulty to her face and touched her cheek. It was the first time he had been able to raise his arm that high since he started therapy.
"Been pr…practicing."
He smiled and she threw her arms around him, kissing his cheek and sobbing. Their emotions weren't what brought them to the place of forgiveness. Their choice to forgive was simply an act of their wills that was closely followed by their feelings. Acting "as if" with the desire to see things change, they decided that their family was more important than any hurt, regardless of how understandable and even justifiable anger and resentment might have been. There was enough hurt to go around for everyone. But there was more love to go around for everyone.
Astrid looked into Tony's eyes and saw something she hadn't seen before. It's been known to happen that a stroke victim will undergo personality and behavioral changes; often for the worse. But on that rare blessed occasion, a change comes over someone and they become more patient and understanding and giving and caring. Tony left more than his talent for baseball and piano in the emergency room. He left selfishness and entitlement and lack of care as somehow finally the things that mattered were embodied in the three people who sat at the table with him that night.
A few years later....
"Okay...class? Who would like to tell me who their favorite composer is?" The teacher looked out over the fifth grade music class and smiled. A girl in the second row raised her hand.
"Jessica?"
"I like Brahms...he's almost romantic...like his music alone tells a story."
"Cindy?"
"Prokofiev....Peter and the Wolf...a lot of fun!"
"Andrew?"
"Tchiakovsky! Very powerful..."
"Sean?"
"Please don't laugh? The guy who wrote the Peanuts music...you know?"
"Vince Guaraldi. You like jazz a lot, don't you?"
"Yeah...I like the way it feels?"
"Anybody else?"
"Debussey...Clare de Lune." The teacher turned to the doorway to see a familiar face; two in fact as the women came into the classroom and hugged him.
"Kids...I can't tell you how cool this is, but you're about to be blessed with one of the finest pianists I know." He smiled at the woman closest to him and laughed softly.
"My sister." He smiled at her again .
"Want to play? Anything you like!"
"Mr. Tony? Is that Linda Piontak? Your sister is Linda Piontak?" The girl looked down at the Mp3 player she wasn't supposed to have and held it up.
"I've got her Rachmaninoff sampler right here!"
Annette stood next to Linda and held up her own Mp3 player.
"Me, too."
"Maybe if we clap hard enough, maybe she'll play something for us?" He said and the children all began clapping.
"If you clap even harder, maybe she'll give us a concert during sixth bell in the auditorium," Annette said, poking Tony in the arm with her right elbow.
Linda smiled and nodded to the children. She walked over to the piano, but not before kissing Tony on the cheek.
"Mom and Laura are flying in this afternoon. Astrid says that she'll pick them up and we can meet back at our place for dinner, okay? And tell Little Tony I've got that Chopin CD he was looking for." She smiled and sat down at the piano.
Looking over at the children, she smiled one last time before looking ahead. Her eyelids fluttered a bit before they closed as she set her hands softly on the key board and began to play.
A few minutes later, the principal came into the classroom and stood with her arms on her hips.
"I know it's almost that time of the year, but you know how the school board is." Tony looked over at her and shrugged his shoulders. He half-frowned until she smiled at him and said softly, almost as an aside.
"Oh what the hell!" She raised her hand and pointed two fingers at Linda as if to say,'engage!" And Linda started up with another rendition from her Christmas album, Oh Tannenbaum.
I was lost
I thought I would always be alone
I thought I could make it on my own
But you...
Changed my life
Now...
Everything I thought my life could be
Changed the day you conquered me
Broken Vow
Words and Music by
Walter Afanasieff and Lara Fabian
As performed by
Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFiUw9XdezU
Excerpts from The Prayer
words and music by
David Foster, Carole Bayer Sager,
Alberto Testa, Tony Renis
as performed by
Celine Dion and Josh Groban
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhxIjRO6WjI
Poppa, Can You Hear Me?
from the movie, Yentl
words and music by
Alan and Marilyn Bergman
and Michel Legrand
as performed by Barbra Streisand
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YrFKbOlSlk
Givin'Up on You
words and music by
Lara Fabian
as performed by the composer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn5JGUy6b20&NR=1
Symphony No. 7 in A major, Op. 92
Second Movement
composed by Ludwig Van Beethoven
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uOxOgm5jQ4
I've Cried Enough
words and music by
Lara Fabian and Rick Allison
as performed by Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hioUnHcOIL0&feature=related
Serenade for Strings in C Major
Movement #2
By Peter Ilych Tchaikovksy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L1QjFlnO4g
Wonderful Life
words and music by
Colin Vearncombe
as sung by Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFn5U1qInF8
as performed by Black
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyfu_mU-dmo
Symphony No. 6 in F major, Op. 68
"Pastoral"
composed and arranged by
Ludwig Van Beethoven
Conducted by Carlo Maria Giulini
and performed by the
New Philharmonia Orchestra.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EM8RlCZP0KQ
You're Not From Here
Words and music by
Walter Afanasieff, Rick Allison,
Lara Fabian and John Bettis
As performed by
Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Teg8c5Ga6L0
Nocturne for piano in E flat major, Op. 9/2, CT. 109
by Fredric Chopin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--ykTqoQnqI
Conquered
words and music by
Eliot Kennedy, Gary Barlow, and Rick Allison
as performed by Lara Fabian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSUJPrPt8G
Symphony No. 7 in A major, Op. 92
Movement No. 2
by Ludwig van Beethoven
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uOxOgm5jQ4
Oh Tannenbaum
(Oh Christmas Tree)
Traditional
Arranged and Performed
by Vince Guaraldi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw6h4mZO1oU
Comments
The Summer of Love of Linda Piontak Novella
Thank you for posting the entire story, together.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Squee!
I absolutely loved this in its original posting, and I am more than excited to re-read it ^_^
Linda is such a wonderful, deep character, so easy to identify and empathize with. I still remember how the twist at the end with Tony left me in tears too.
I wish I had people like Linda and Annette in my life that I could share my passion for music with, but without any proper training, and about as much of a head for understanding music theory as quantum physics, it's enough for me just to read about such lovely characters :-D
Romance and Summer Love
The Romance and Summer Love of Linda Piontak were very difficult for me. They are two stories that have set a standard that few of us can ever hope to meet. I was so frustrated by Tony who kept stepping in it with Linda. I knew they were a match made in heaven; however, I let my idealistic, fairy tale ending desires rule. Thank heavens 'Drea had the patience to deal with my over-soppy comments the first time these stories showed up. Linda and Tony never would have made it as husband and wife. Tony was eaten up with Linda's feelings of inadequacy. He never would have been able to give her the moral support she needed. Linda was eaten up with the same thing. She couldn't accept the fact she was a woman. She saw herself as a failure before she ever started the race. It took a horrible tragedy for everyone to get everything right. Life and music are not like sports where winning is everything. Being able to do the best with what you have is far more important. You brought us four wonderful characters who will have wonderful lives. There are so many lessons here. I just wish a few of them would stick (on me).
Portia
Portia
Thank you 'Drea,
ALISON
'I loved reading this again just as much as the first posting.So sweet,so romantic.
ALISON
Hiya Gram...
I can't believe you posted the entire tale!!! This has to be one of my all time favs and now I can file the entire thing!!! This is a virtual orgasm for the mind!!!!!!!! The characterizations are sooo rich. Thank you.
Who else...
Brattttttttttttttttttttttttt
Your marvelous story...
Not having the opportunity to read the entire story, I was more than pleasantly surprized to find it laid out so perfectly and beautifully. This is wonderful prose and I will enjoy reading it more than once, or twice. The plot is riviting in parts and there's always that unexpected 'Drea twist' keeping the reader guessing what could possibly happen next. Thank you for such a wonderful effort.
Hugs,
Trish