The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1193 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

“How was Mr Wonderful?” asked Simon, when I got home.

“Wonderful,” I said dreamily, just to see his reaction but he’d got wise to me and rolled his eyes.

“I thought you said he was a fair–he wasn’t interested in women?”

“He isn’t–not even in me.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, why?”

“Well you said that as if you felt there was.”

“No the opposite, even sexy, wonderful, big arsed me can’t interest him in women.”

“Hmm, by the way talking of that arse,” he nodded at my derrier.

“Yes, what about it?” I felt some alarm–was there something wrong with my huge backside?

“We had a call from the grocer.”

“Grocer? We don’t have a grocer,” now I felt somewhat bemused.

“Anyway, the grocer phoned asking you not to sit on the bacon slicer because they were getting behind with their orders.”

“Simon, that is soooo old, and even more corny. Talk about a bum joke,” I shook my head in partial disbelief that he’d be using material that was old when I was a kid.

I asked him to order a takeaway because I had to do the talk to the school that evening. “Anyone for pizza?” he yelled and was practically trampled in the rush. I didn’t think my cooking was actually that bad but perhaps I was wrong.

I did an online order for Waitrose to deliver tomorrow, ordering a chicken for the weekend. I went to wash and change for my talk that evening. When I got downstairs the rest of them were stuffing their faces with pizzas–I don’t even like the smell of them. I grabbed a Mars bar and a bottle of water and picking up my laptop bag checked the necessary DVD was in there.

“I’ll be home as soon as I can, be good for Daddy and Jenny.” They all laughed as if they knew something I didn’t. “Behave you lot,” I scolded, which made them giggle even more. I left, deciding I would drive the Porsche today–probably for the last time.

I got it out of the garage and drove off to the school. I’d forgotten about the power and nearly accelerated through the fence. I pulled out into the traffic and headed towards Portsmouth City Centre and the convent. By the time I got there, I felt comfortable driving the mean machine–perhaps I had been too hasty with the Audi TT, still, I should get my own car back soon.

I parked the car in the playground and walked into the school, which was already buzzing–some of the teachers and students had come in early–just to hear me talk. What are they–mad?

The headmistress met me and delivered me to the stage where I set up the DVD of out-takes and tested their machine–it worked fine. I had never seen so many chairs laid out in that hall–I’m sure it contravened fire regulations–there had to be over two hundred seats, possibly even three.

“How many are you expecting?” I asked Sister Maria.

“Oh it’s a complete sell out and I could have sold them twice over, the governors wondered if perhaps we could do a second talk to allow those who couldn’t get tickets a chance to hear you.”

“Goodness, I don’t know–I mean it’s going to be old very quickly.”

“Please consider it, Lady Cameron, it would make a significant number of people very happy if you did.”

And a larger number if I didn’t, I thought to myself. “I’ll see, let’s get tonight’s over first, shall we?”

She smiled disarmingly and I hated myself for almost weakening there and then. The equipment sorted, I went and sat backstage to compose myself and think how I’d start tonight’s delight. I knew how I’d end it, like I did the film a plea for the dormouse and conservation of habitats.

I heard the place filling up, the noise was like a huge swarm of bees accompanied by scrapes and squeaks of chairs being moved. The air was full of expectancy and I felt very anxious that I’d fail to deliver the goods. The material was good, it was my delivery that worried me.

“Ready?” said Sister Maria and she held out her hand for me to shake and then to walk through the curtain with her. As we emerged there was a loud burst of applause which only stopped when Sister Maria raised her hand to quieten them.

“It gives me tremendous pleasure to present Lady Catherine Cameron who is going to talk to us about her experiences in film making. Some of you will remember the talk she did at the annual speech day earlier this year, which is one of the highlights of my time at this school. It was appreciated so much by those who were here that the board of governors almost demanded she return and talk to us again. We could have sold each seat twice and I have asked her to come and repeat tonight’s presentation for those who couldn’t get tickets today.

“Please welcome, ecologist, university teacher, researcher, film maker and mother to six children–Lady Catherine Cameron.” The noise was deafening and I hadn’t done anything yet except stand there. Oh shit.

I looked behind me then poked my head through the curtain. “Is everything all right?” asked Sister Maria.

“Yes, it’s fine–I just wondered who came on behind us and got all that applause.” A ripple of laughter ran through the audience–they were in a good mood and willing to be entertained by very old jokes–but not the bacon slicer one.

“Head Mistress, governors and staff, pupils and parents, ladies and gentlemen and anyone else I might have overlooked–thanks for inviting me back–usually, the only time I come back is to apologise.” They laughed again–they really wanted this to work and it did.

I talked for about fifteen minutes, described the clips, which were displayed by an index on the screen for me, so I could talk without notes; each heading prompting its own mini history which I dressed up, made humorous I hoped and told them. I showed some clips then repeated the formula. I did this for an hour and no one moved.

“You can see some of the hazards of film making, which at the time weren’t always quite as funny as they seem tonight. However, I do get asked why I made a film about such a boring and irrelevant creature like the dormouse. The answer is simple yet complex. I did it because I love dormice–they are some of the cutest critters about. They are gentle, no bother to anyone–unless you want to develop or interfere with a site upon which they live–they harm no one, nor do any economic damage. They are vulnerable and practically defenceless with a way of life which is so easily damaged by human activity. They are shy, nocturnal, tree living anachronisms only just hanging on to existence in this country which is on the edge of their range.

“They are protected in law, because they are seen as threatened, as are their habitats. Twenty or thirty years ago we knew very little about them–today, we know increasing amounts and because they are so well monitored on a number of sites, we’re learning a great deal about not only them, but the habitats and the other creatures which share the habitat.

“Dormice are lucky that they are cute and shy and relatively low density animals–I suspect that’s why they have got protection compared to some other animals like harvest mice which are also endangered. But as well, we have to remember that these wonderful creatures, with their fascinating life history are also indicators of how healthy our countryside is, which ultimately means how healthy our planet is.

“We all know how damaged the earth, the only planet we know for certain has evolved complex and sophisticated life forms in the universe. There are probably others, but we don’t know that for certain–yet, and possibly never will. So we need to rejoice in our uniqueness and protect and conserve this amazing orbiting piece of rock instead of attempting to exploit it for pure material gain and overpopulating it. Economists talk about economic growth as the panacea for all our financial woes: I would urge caution. The planet is a finite resource and we don’t know if we’ll ever find a way of moving elsewhere if we mess this one up. Some suggest it’s already too late–I don’t think so, but we are approaching a tipping point and we need to look to conserve habitats, environments, ecosystems before we lose them altogether. Extinction is forever and I’m not convinced cloning will prove a remedy for that in the foreseeable future if at all. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

“I hope you’ve enjoyed my presentation, please do think how you can help our children to enjoy the company of dormice and other threatened species and ecosystems and for them to be able to pass them on to their children. We are the stewards of this planet, let’s act responsibly and fulfil that duty. Thank you.”

The hall erupted and people began to stand up and applaud, the head mistress came and shook my hand and the applause kept coming. After two or three minutes she hushed the audience.

“Well, ladies and gentlemen, follow that as they say. I don’t think so. However we have a custom of asking someone to propose a vote of thanks, and tonight I’m calling upon a relatively junior student to propose that vote. Would Miss Tricia Watts please stand up–off you go, girl.”

I nearly fell off the stage when the diminutive figure rose–I didn’t even know she was here, she should have been in bed by now–no wonder Simon and the others were laughing when I left.

“Mummy, that was very good–you falling in the stream was very funny, so was the woodmouse running up your trouser leg, I hope he didn’t bite. On behalf of the school, thank you for doing this talk–oh and me and the others, love you very much–you’re the best mummy in the world.” She sat down and the place erupted with applause again, this time for her.

Then, when Meems came on stage with a bouquet nearly as large as she was I lost it and the tears came. I accepted the flowers and hugged her. Then Trish came up on the stage followed by Livvie, Julie, Danny, Billie, Simon and Tom. It felt more like, This is your life than a school talk. Simon hugged me and we stood together as a family which only a week ago people were trying to destroy–were we an endangered species deserving protection? It made me think for a moment.