The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1161 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

“Do you have a problem with transgendered people?”

“Good lord, no, we have an electric fence rand the hice,” declared Lady whatever her name was Brown-Noser. Simon gave me his no bloodshed pleading look. I felt like a lioness who’s just wandered into a chicken coop–the birds were there for the taking, and in their drunken states, would be easy-peasy. Someone ordered more wine, it gets even easier.

“That’s truly funny,” I said to wossername.

“Oh is it?” she laughed.

“Yes, electric fences round houses are illegal.”

“Ooh ha ha,” she responded to my comment, “we’re illegal,” she laughed to her husband.

“Illegitimate?” he queried back, laughing like the facile, empty headed twat, he was.

“That too,” she roared. In fact the whole lot were falling about with laughter.

“Silly bastard,” called another which set off another round of laughter, tears were flowing copiously from laughter. I intended to perhaps make some others flow before I was finished.

Simon was tapping his watch, it was nine thirty, plenty of time to make my point and leave.

I stood up and faced the group. “So you think transsexuals are funny, do you?” My question was met with more laughter and hoots of derision except from Simon, who had his head in his hands and he was shaking it to mean no.

“What’s so funny about them?”

“Anyone who grows tits and has his willie cut off has to be funny,” screamed Sir Archibald Arsehole, or whatever his real name was.

“How d’you know, have you ever spoken to one?” I challenged.

“Why d’ya care about a load of freaks?”

“Because I’ve actually bothered to get to know one or two of them.”

“Why?” more raucous laughter.

“Because I try not to make prejudicial decisions, and certainly not without just cause.”

“Aren’t they just homosexuals who haven’t got the courage to face up to the truth?”

“Is that what you seriously think?”

“Yes, why?”

“Then you have an even smaller brain than my dormice.”

“I say, that’s uncalled for–I have a degree, you know?”

“If it’s in economics, it would explain why we’re in such a mess financially.”

“It is actually–hey, that’s a bit rough.”

“Rough, you ain’t seen anything yet. I tear out souls as a climax to my act.”

“Must keep our shoes on then, Charles,” called one wag, “protect our soles.”

“I have had students who were gender different.”

“Gender different?” he looked bemused, mind you I suspect it was a permanent state.

“Yes, they were of a different gender to the one commonly accorded to their biological state.”

“Is that why you were involved, being a biologist?” More laughs, but they were less, people were listening to me.

“No, I was involved because I’m a human being.”

“Oh, isn’t everyone?”

“There are many people on this planet who would be difficult to categorise as human because they don’t meet the criteria–of being intelligent, compassionate and aware of other creatures in sharing this planet.”

“Are your dormice aware of other creatures, then?”

“Of course they are, seeing as they are a prey species to weasels, snakes, rats, cats, owls, badgers, pigs and people.”

“What? They pray everyone else will leave them alone?” a few laughs supported the witticism, perhaps he wasn’t as drunk as I thought.

“No it means they have little defence against predators.”

“Is a hamster a prey species–‘cos the little b bit me, so he isn’t defenceless.”

I treated that remark with the contempt it deserved. “I was trying to explain what my experience of talking to transsexuals was.”

“Go on, then,” prompted another.

“You gonna make a documentary about them–endangered species and all that?”

“That’s only in tube stations, Astrid.”

I waited for the banter to die down, “Maybe I should make a documentary about it, but imagine this is a documentary and all my facts have been well researched.

“Most people with Gender Identity Disorder discover some problem with their ideas of gender and their identity, during childhood or adolescence–occasionally later. They grow up, except in a few instances where parents are sympathetic, trying to hide what they see as a weakness, because they’re brought up to believe that the qualities we generally attribute to women are a sign of weakness in men. Things like caring for others, enjoyment of children, talking about their feelings and listening to others doing the same.”

“What about shopping?” called someone from the far end of the table.

“Shopping isn’t sex linked anymore than masturbation is.”

“Do women masturbate then?” he asked astonished.

“Do you go shopping?”

“Occasionally, but...”

“You’ve answered your own question then.”

“Damn me, all this time I’ve believed her that the vibrator thingy was for her rheumatism. Astrid, do you mas...?”
“I think you be better leaving this discussion to when you get home.”

“No I won’t–if my wife is being unfaithful to me with a piece of plastic, I want to know now.”

“Well, what d’you expect–you couldn’t keep it up long enough to get it in let alone do anything with it.”

“I do not suffer from premature ejaculation.”

“No you don’t, it’s I who does,” she hit back, “An’ if it was any smaller, you could use it for eating winkles.”

I glanced at Simon who was still sitting with his head in his hands.”

“How dare you, you frigid old cow.”

“If I am frigid it’s only because you leave me cold, you unfeeling slob.”

“Ha, you can talk–if you had any consideration for me, you’d get rid of that plastic abomination.”

“If it could buy a round of drinks, I’d get rid of you instead,” she screeched back at him, the other users of the restaurant were now listening to the squabbles going on on our table.

“Astrid, eld gel, I think we need to get you hime.”

“Only if that impotent old fart stays somewhere else.”

“Charlie, you can stay et ire hise tonate.”

“You’re letting him stay with you?” Astrid began to accuse her friend. I walked over to Simon and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Take me home please.”

He looked at me before he registered what I said. “Satisfied?”

“No, but they are too drunk to make it worthwhile to do anything else.”

“C’mon then.” He handed me his car keys, “You better drive, I’ve had too much.”

“Me–drive the Jaguar? Okay–let’s go.” I almost dragged him through the door.”

Not only did I drive it, but in a silly frock with high heeled shoes on. We got stopped by the police but as my breathalyser test showed negative, he let us go.

“Crikey, that was a close call,” sighed Simon.

“Why, I’ve not had an alcoholic drink all night.”

“Oh, I know that, but I very nearly drove home tonight.”

We sat quietly for a while as I drove towards home, “What did you hope to achieve by exposing yourself?” he asked me.

“I don’t know, it just got my goat, that’s all.”

“Whatever you’d said would have been forgotten five minutes later and you could have been accused of being one yourself.”

“I was one, remember?”

“Yes, but why put our children and other family members at risk to prove a point?”

“Transsexuals aren’t weird–are they?”

“So it’s normal behaviour to push people under trains?”

“No of course not, but that was anomalous behaviour even by weirdo tranny standards.”

“Okay, it was unusual and sadly tragic, but why did you get involved? You only reinforced their prejudices.”

“If I did, I’m sorry–I wasn’t thinking beyond making my point and it could have reflected on you and the children. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay, you know how I feel about all this, you have my unconditional support as a woman, and a very lovely one.”

“If this means you’re wanting to prove to me that you don’t suffer from prem...”

“I know, wait until after you’ve fed the baby,” he sighed.

“You’ve got it in one,” I smirked and we both laughed.