(aka Bike) Part 1033 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad
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The kids–I nearly said girls, had a cake and a soft drink while I sat with a small pot of tea, wondering what I had just done. I had just spent nearly a hundred pounds on two dresses and red patent shoes for my son. It isn’t for a fancy dress party–so am I crazy?
Trish was jabbering like some sort of electronic game, and part of me wished I could take her batteries out–just to get some peace and quiet. My head was pounding and I felt quite sick–what had I done?
Trish kept yakking on and on. “Trish, if you don’t be quiet, I shall take all this stuff back.”
She looked crestfallen, her bottom lip curled and I half expected tears or a tantrum. Billy put his arm round her and she snuggled into him. Was it the act of a big brother or sister? Am I paranoid or are they out to get me?
I sipped my tea and took an aspirin to ease my headache. Trish stayed snuggled against Billy and they were watching me, wondering if I’d burst their little bubble.
“Trish, you stay quiet please because I’m talking to Billy. Billy, do you want to keep this stuff or would you like a computer game to the same value?”
His face fell as I started this sentence and a smile rose by the end of it. Why hadn’t I thought of this before–appeal to his boy-self rather than pandering to his negative girly image. I glared at Trish, who sat and fidgeted with her shoe to avoid eye contact with me.
Billy sat looking at me, presumably trying to work out what I wanted him to say, which was not at all what I wanted him to do. “Look, say what you feel–I won’t be cross either way. Don’t say something to please me if it isn’t what you really, really want, and that goes for pleasing Trish as well. Which would you prefer, to keep all this girly stuff or look for a computer game?”
Trish stopped playing with her shoe and crossed her arms and sighed. Her bottom lip was curled over in a wonderful pout–she was far from pleased with my stand against her having a full size Barbie doll.
Billy looked at her as if to ask what to do, then he looked at me.
“Look why don’t you go a for a little walk around the cafe and think by yourself. There are no right or wrong answers–I won’t be cross with you which ever you choose. So off you go, Trish and I will have a little chat while you’re gone.”
He was reluctant to go by himself, but eventually he did. Trish pouted again, she was expecting a telling off, she wasn’t disappointed. “I don’t know who was responsible for this trying and buying surge this morning, but I need Billy to show me that it’s what he wants, because if it isn’t, it could cause him real problems later on.”
She pouted and I saw her eyes moisten. I expected her to protest but she didn’t.
“I know you’re only trying to help him, but he has to make his own decisions and in his own time–even if he is transgendered it has to be his realisation not your encouragement. Do you understand?”
She nodded and tears rolled down her cheeks.
I held out my arms and she came and sat on my lap and sobbed, “I’m sorry, Mummy, I thought it was what he wanted.”
“It might still be, but you have to learn not to steamroller people. Not everyone has your strength of mind–do you understand?”
She nodded and dried her eyes on her hankie. Billy returned, and seeing her sitting on my lap with her hankie in her hand, his face changed to one of concern.
“It’s my fault not Trish’s.”
“What is?” I asked trying to remain calm and neutral.
“It was my idea,” he blushed and looked at the floor.
“What was?”
“Trying on a dress.”
“So?”
“I thought you were blaming Trish.”
“I wasn’t blaming anyone–I’m not looking to blame anyone, I’m trying to give you the chance to be happy, whichever way you want to go. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
“I think so, Mummy.” He looked me in the eye and then rushed forward and hugged me, then burst into tears. Oh boy, I suppose we could have picked a better place for all this–like in the baked beans aisle. People were starting to look, but I glared back at them.
“What is she doing to those two girls?” said one deaf old biddy to her equally deaf friend.
“Come along, let’s finish the shopping while you decide what you want to do.” I gave him a tissue and picked up my handbag.
Trish began to push the trolley and we headed off to the butchery section to pick up a leg of lamb and some fresh mint from the greengrocery. Half an hour later, we were standing in the queue to pay with Billy holding one of my hands and Trish clinging on the other, when Billy said, “I’ve decided, Mummy.”
“Shall we wait until we get outside and we can have some privacy.”
“Okay, Mummy.”
I felt Trish squeeze my hand, not in affection but in her tenseness. She glanced at Billy and I knew what she was wanting him to decide. He however, looked straight ahead as if he needed to keep a set idea in his head or he’d lose his resolve. I think I knew what he was going to say, but I tried to stay neutral.
I paid at the checkout and we all three pushed the heavily laden trolley with its wayward front wheels towards where I thought I’d parked the car. Then all three of us helped to unload the shopping into the back of Tom’s Mondeo.
“Trish, would you please sit in the car and watch the shopping, while Billy and I take the trolley back?”
She huffed and puffed, but after I gave her a hard stare, she accepted her fate and got in the car.
I let Billy push the empty trolley back to the collection point and he redeemed my pound coin and handed it to me.
“So, you’ve made your decision?” I asked him.
He nodded, “Yes Mummy.”
We were facing away from the car.
“And this is what you really want to do?”
“Yes, Mummy.”
“Are you quite sure?”
“Yes, Mummy.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“You’re not going to be cross with me?”
“Why should I be cross?”
“Because I want to be a lady like you.”
I felt this coldness in the pit of my stomach–that wasn’t the answer I was expecting. He cheated–he was supposed to say if he wanted to keep the clothes or have a computer game instead. This wasn’t fair, bloody kids they don’t play by the rules.
I tried desperately not to show my hurt, because I didn’t think he was gender confused. I was sure he was trying to increase his place in my life by becoming more like me or like people he thought I loved more than him–girls. Where had we gone wrong–or had I gone wrong?
“So you want to keep the clothes?”
“Yes please, Mummy.”
“Are you absolutely sure?”
He burst into tears–why does he keep throwing me like this?
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” I put my arm around him.
“You don’t want me to, do you?” he sniffed.
“I don’t mind one way or the other,” I lied, “if it makes you happy, that’s all that counts.”
“Thank you, Mummy,” he said as we walked back to the car where an expectant Trish sat watching us through the window.
Comments
That child should be a politician
Say what you think the audience wants to hear, but don't reveal your inner feelings.
That's why I'd be rubbish at politics.
Susie
Bike pt 1033
Oh what a tangled web Trish did weave when she practiced to deceive. Now I am wondering if Cathy will have Billy or Billie or a combination. Trish needs a good talking to, also.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Wait and see.
Way to go with this one yet.
Let's just wait and see. That's more than half the the fun with Angharad's stories.
Just hang in there!
Love and hugs.
OXOXOX
Beverly.
Hmmm...
...I'm still waiting, and interested to know what Stephanie is going to discover about Billy/Billie.
Good work A&B. Thank you both!
Psychological Stuff
Bike Archive
Bike Resources
Over-Investing
The ugly and deficient Binary Model of gender is messing Billy up.
Cathy seems to be avoiding the trap of having Billy think he has to be one thing or another, but only barely. In being questioned so intensely, Billy could easily think he's investing in a life-changing decision. It shouldn't be that way. He's 10. He's deciding which clothes he wants to wear today or tomorrow and what role he wants to experiment with in the near term. That's all it should be. We're so much more than a tick mark in one of two boxes on a form.
Besides being a man or a woman, we can independently be masculine or feminine, gay or straight, dominant or submissive, bull (butch) or twink (femme), and a dozen other things directly or indirectly associated with gender stereotypes.
There's nothing wrong with being an artistic, sensitive, fey male, although some kick-boxing lessons might come in handy.
___________________
If a picture is worth 1000 words, this is at least part of my story.
Trouble Brewing
Let's hope the right resolution is coming!
Kinda torn about Billy
at this point. Maybe she should have handled it by promising she would buy him that clothing after he gets to talking with Stephanie. On the plus side, NOTHING obviously will be done to him for some time to come. So, if it is only a temporary issue ( and with children I understand that is likely the case ) it will resolve itself with time. In the mean time we may very well have a gender adventurous young crossdresser for the duration, or whatever Stephanie feels it should be.
Cathy should NOT feel guilty even if Billy says he wants to be more like her, making her feel she has lead him down the garden path. Problem is, it is out of her hands really, and Cathy is a proxy for all those parents out there who feel they must have done something wrong to make their child Trans.
Kim
well,
living in that household, as accepting as it is, who's to say Cathy didn't influence Billy's choice?
Maybe, in a more traditional environment, he might have grown up a perfectly happy boy, perhaps not into macho things, but still quite content with his gender.
In Cathy's home, he is growing up with other children who have made, ah, non-traditional choices, so it's not surprising he finds encouragement to experiment.
Is Cathy forcing him? Of course not.
Is she responsible? I'd say, yes.
Will an outside observer blame her? Not until the story needs another turn :)
I have to admit
I did not see this coming. I had joked about it, but somehow I missed it. Nice one Angharad. Looking back on it it is almost obvious. Billie was looking for a reason to change, she was terrified to take the step on her own initiative. A lot like the rest of us I suspect.
One thing though, if she is serious about this a more supportive environment could not be found. If this is a passing fad it is still cool, he would come away with an experience most of us only dream about.
Hold on there !
If I remember correctly, Billy thinks Cathy is a 'natural woman' not a tg woman. He only knows about Julie and Trish.
In her own way Cathy is not encouraging this, rather being as resistant as she could be.
Cefin