A Love of Providence Part Two - Dawn of Forgiveness   by Andrea Lena DiMaggio   Meet me after dark again and I'll hold you I want nothing more than to see you there And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away We'll be lost before the dawn

Previously:
 
"I guess Dale is right then," Terri laughed, but there was no humor; the mood had become sober and bitterly ironic. Like the couple in the Gift of the Magi, both of them were willing to sacrifice what they wanted for the benefit and love of the other, save for the fact that their deference toward each other had been perceived as a detriment rather than the supreme example of selfless love. That the surgery would take place, they had no doubt. Hopefully soon, but Terri needed Joey to know that the two of them were complete just as they were. Whatever took place from then on would be a confirmation rather than a change as they learned just how beautiful they were.

"I love you."

In Dr. Gorzelnick's Office - Joey remembers:

“It’s really okay, Joey. Your mommy and daddy don’t mind. And you know they wouldn’t lie.” Joey’s namesake, Joseph, his father’s younger brother, was sitting on Joey’s bed. Joey was standing in the middle of the room, wearing one of his sister’s party dresses.

“Do you know what little girls do to be nice?” Joey wouldn’t have known; no child would. His uncle took him by the hand and led him to the bed. Evil became sugar-coated that day, and many days and months to follow. What started out already horribly as innocence lost continued as the child became twisted and warped, through no fault of his own

"Yes, we're all familiar with the story, Joey. That's just the point. It seems that your need to be a girl is somehow confused with your abuse. That you've always acted as a girl to please someone...to fulfill what they wanted. Isn't that right?" Dale didn't believe that for a second, but she wanted to make sure Joey was clear about her needs as a woman, irrespective of Terri, however important that was otherwise.

"But...that...that's...just it..." Joey put her head down and began to weep softly. Terry went to put her hand on Joey's shoulder to comfort her but Dale waved her off. It was absolutely essential for their relationship that Joey reach her own conclusion about her feelings about herself. Otherwise, both of them would be playing a very tiring game for a long time deciding who was whom; Joey needed to say who she was for both their sakes.

"It wasn't like that at the beginning." Joey had begun to talk about this in her time with Dr. Arcola and Dr. Kelly both, but always shut down when it came to describing times before her uncle molested her. There was a key piece to the puzzle that needed to be found. A piece that when placed in the the context of the molestation would finish the picture so to speak.

"Mommy found me... I...I was ten. She had gone to Aunt Carmen's to pick up some clothes from my cousin Danny...he was older...hand-me-downs." Even at that moment, nearly fourteen years later, she still suffered the shame of want and neglect. Her dad spent most of his take-home on hunting and fishing, and Joey never had new clothes.

"Go on...it's okay...you're here now, Joey, right?" Like many of us who've experienced trauma, Joey had a tendency to lapse into thinking...perseverent thought...almost obsessing about the past. Dale was working with her as seeing herself as a survivor rather than a victim.

"She came home early because Aunt Carmen forgot she was coming and had gone out. I was in Amelia's room. She always had nice things. Aunt Bella used to give her really pretty things for her birthday. Mommy came in and I was wearing...www...." Joey began to cry. Once again Terri went to comfort her, and once again Dale raised her hands slowly in caution. Terry half smiled and shrugged as if to say, "Oops..I forgot..Sorry."

"Shh...she....I was ...weaaarrring Amelia's confirmation dress. Ihhhh...it was white....like a we..wedding dress." Joey shook her head, as if in argument with some inner demon. Another "ghost," as Dale had put it. After a few moments Joey lifted her head; her crying had subsided.

"'There's my little girl,' Mommy said. It was like she knew already." Joey snuffled and continued.

"She came over and hugged me. 'Then it's okay? You don't mind?'" Even then, Joey was in the moment. She hugged herself, almost duplicating the hug she had gotten from her mother. Her face began to light up, as if she were a child on her birthday.

"She hugged me and kept kissing me over and over. 'Mind? Of course not...you're my little girl, honey, It's okay,' she said, 'Mommy loves you....Mommy loves you.'" Joey turned her face to the side and buried her face in the back of the sofa.

"Joey...who else knew?" Dale already knew the answer, but she wanted Joey to say it herself.

"Nobody! Nobody knew! Just me and my mom," she cried. It was almost like she was protecting the memory.

"But that didn't stay that way, did it?" Dale shook her head, wondering...no...becoming repulsed at what she already knew.

"No...Mommy thought it would be fun...for Halloween...it was fun..." Joey sobbed as if to plead for the permission she had never needed.

"Yes...it was fun...what was fun, Joey?" Dale looked over at Terri; both of them had heard the next part of the story, and the saddened look on their faces anticipated Joey's answer.

"I dressed up as a Girl Scout...Amelia's uniform....it was fun." Joey began to sob.

"What happened, Joey...why are you crying." It almost seemed cruel to ask the question; everyone knew why she was crying. Why ask the same question again?

"Because Uncle Joey...made me...you know what he did...He hurt me..over and over and over. Because he...' Her voice trailed off. She had gone from sad to angry in a heartbeat.

"Because he what, Joey...what did he do?" Dale cringed when she repeated the question. The breakthrough was coming, and she was damned if she was going to let a ghost get in the way of Joey's healing.

"He raped me...and Daddy caught him and he blamed me...He fucking blamed me...I hate him I hate the fucking bastard. He fucked me and I get beat by my fucking father...why...fuck .... I hope he fucking burns in hell. I hope they both burn in fucking hell" She began hitting herself in the chest, as if to punish herself for the horror. One more opportunity to take responsibility for something that was inflicted upon her. Another reason to hate herself... to repeat the mistakes of the past...to believe the worst about herself. But she stopped after a few seconds and looked at Dale and then at Terri, as if to plead her case.

"I didn't do anything wrong....I fucking didn't do anything wrong. He took the best part of me....and threw it away...And I gave the rest of it away for free. No more...no more. I'm not the one who did something wrong here. I was a little girl and he fucked me...him.. not me...not me." She turned and looked at Terri, who was looking at Dale, who simply nodded, blinking back tears of her own. Terri opened her arms and pulled Joey close to her. The girl fell into her and rocked back and forth, sobbing bitterly and saying over and over,

"Not me...not me...not me...I was a little girl...he had no right....not me....not me."

Dale picked up the clipboard in front of her and looked at the letter she had written in anticipation of the work she knew would get done.

"I am in agreement with both Dr. Arcola and Dr. Kelly, and find that Josephine Katlyn Carlucci is a fit candidate for Gender Confirmation Surgery. Procedure should be scheduled at the recommendation of Ms. Carlucci's attending surgeon, and should proceed at their agreed convenience. I remain, respectfully, Dale Gorzelnick, MD, PsyD"

She signed the letter and placed the clipboard on the coffee table in front of her and blew out a breath.

Next: A Day of Kisses

Before the Dawn
By Evanescence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adrGTcPCH4o