A letter from a broken toy
To whom it may concern:
I really don’t want to use your name. For decades, I didnt even remember it. And you might not even remember mine, but I was one of your toys, all those years ago. Only God and you know how many of us there were. I do not know if I can do justice to the havoc you have created in your search for self gratification. But I must try, if only for my own peace of mind. You striped me of 2 and a half years of my life, feeding me drugs to make me compliant, warping my mind to better suit your sick fantasy.
Nor did the damage end when my time with you was up. The drugs permanently damaged my ability to remember and concentrate, and the filth in my mind cannot ever be removed. I am damaged goods, now and until I die, thanks to you. I was a child, entrusted to your care and you betrayed that trust in the most repulsive way imaginable. I believe it was your goal to twist me in such a way as so I would never come forward, but instead blame myself for what you did.
I did just that for decades.
I paid a heavy price for what you did to me. I failed at every relationship I attempted. I spent years fighting nightmares and flashbacks, I flinch sometimes even yet when someone attempts to touch me. That’s your legacy. No court could give you a strong enough sentence, nothing on this earth could equal your crimes.
As a Christian, I must forgive, but I am finding it extremely difficult not to wish to be present when you must appear before God and finally have the masks and lies stripped away from you before you receive justice. Yet I must forgive, and even ask for mercy on your behalf. I have no choice but to leave your fate to Him and find a way to move on with my life. And that’s what I plan to do, with God's help.
A former victim, now a survivor.
Comments
this is desturbing and sad
and so true for many of survivors.
All I can say to this is
All I can say to this is "wow". Very strong and moving stuff.
And I hope the person who wrote this will be well, sometime in the future.
----
May the Stars Light Your Path
Maid Joy
http://i-know-i-know-but.net/
Once again you touch me
I was never subjected to abuse at the level you relate here, but I understand the need to move beyond. In AA we speak of resentments, though that word hardly seems appropriate for what you--and many others--have endured. The essential thing for us to understand is that resentment will destroy us, leading us back to alcohol, past behaviors and disaster. We must let go of such emotions, lest we be forever frozen in time, our souls corroding from the vitriol we are unwittingly creating for ourselves.
Some people never understand how we must forgive. They see it as a weakness. But those of us who finally "get it" know that it is our ultimate strength, for we are never lost in the past once we are able to move on. We may mend our souls with glue and duct tape, but mend them we do. The broken toy may hobble, but it moves on. If only more understood as you do.
Peace and love, sweet one.
SuZie
SuZie
Forgiveness.
My way forward was to survive and then try to convince myself that I was somehopw better than my abusers.
Yes, it's bloody hard to forgive but if you can, it is a major factor in somehow getting over those emotive hurdles in a life that you and you alone are trying to clear and survive. I see forgiveness as one of the boosters that drives your engine of life.
Helping others is another booster but I find sometimes I fail at this one. Not always but enough times to tell me I'm not as good as I'd like to think I am.
Above all else be true to yourself; this helps to remove stress out of your life.
I should say that I hope you find peace at some juncture but I doubt if you ever will.
Above all else, survive!!!
Good luck,
Bev. XOXOXOXOXO
Beverly Taff.
This is wierd. I haven't changed my password but the site wont dispayl all my thingies at the side like 'Submit Story'!
A letter from a broken toy
Is a most sad commentary upon the survivors who find the Love and Acceptance of God. Me, I'd rather help the broken toy to heal than anything else.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
God...mmm...
Forgiveness is only for the conquers to grant; survival for the conquered. When we bleed...only the vermine are entertained. They will speak to you of god and forgiveness with their bland smiles and pearly whites on stage, but don't you dare turn your back on them lest they swallow what is left of your soul!!! Two rules: Stomp or be stomped; eat or be eaten. This is what they know. Our only defense is a .45 auto and the anger to use it!
Mea the Magnificent
...Survivor
....overcomer, conqueror...very big terms to describe what happened to us, yes? No longer victims of circumstance or another's whim. We get to apprehend our own value and worth, no longer defined by what happened to us, but gaining definition by who we are becoming. Very good story, however brief; one who reaches out to grab the future can only grasp with an empty hand. Thanks for a compelling story written both here and on your heart.
Dio benedica la mia bella amici
Love, Andrea Lena
Letters
Highly honored you share personal thoughts and identify yourself as a person of faith. Like many thing in a TG life it has blessing and wonder. What will God say, yet it seems you are comfortable in facing God, if like me more comfortable with God that the acceptance and rejection of people close to me.
The question fo accepting ourselves making it difficult to enjoy other healthy relationships. Are you still in the same place as when you wrote this letter?
Grace and peace,
JessieC
Jessica E. Connors
Jessica Connors
I've made progress since
I've written another one, which is the next piece. Thanks for commenting.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels