Melanie Ezell’s Ultimate Writer's Challenge: week # 27. “Who I Am.”
 
(I know this one is a bit early. But its done, so here it is.

Everything came to a head in church. I had a Sunday to myself, and went for a drive, not even having a destination in mind. So I was a little surprised at myself, when I pulled into the parking lot of a church I had never attended. I noticed that it was a few minutes before the morning service, so I shrugged, said to myself “Glad I didn't go for a drive in my female clothes. I hate not being able to be Dorothy in public, but I wouldn’t want to scare the poor people inside.”

I went in. I was given a handshake, a program, and soon, music started. I was pleased that I knew most of the songs they sang, and so let myself join in. Then a man stood up, and began to speak, and I listened.

He said, Folks, every once in a while, God tells me to put the regular sermon away, and to do something totally different. This is one of those occasions. God is leading me to let a person here speak, to tell their story. I don’t even know who it is, right now.”

He paused, and then continued, “That person is probably thinking, ‘He can’t be talking about me. I’m not a public speaker. And my story wont mean anything to these people. But I feel that God is telling me, the time has come for that story to be told.”

He took his microphone and started walking down the aisle. He stopped in front of me, and he put a hand on my shoulder, and said “Its time to step out of the shadows, DOROTHY.”

<“How could he know my girl name?” > I thought.

He smiled at me, and handed me the microphone. Everyone was looking at me.

And then I felt a calm come over me, and suddenly, I felt the Spirit of God saying to me “Go on, DAUGHTER.”

I stood up, and took a breath, and began to speak:

“Probably most of you are a little confused by that little introduction. I’m a little thrown by it myself. But there is a reason for it. For you to understand, I need to give you a bit of a story. Perhaps some of you know a person who was born with a birth defect. maybe some of you actually have one yourselves.

Well, I have a birth defect, its just not one you can see easily. To put it into the simplest terms, I have a female brain and a male body.

Looking back, there were signs early that I was not like other boys. I can recall taking an action figure and stealing Barbie clothes from neighboring girls to dress him in. Sadly, about the time when I might have really been able to start sorting me out, I was exposed to a rapist, and spent two years in Hell.

Part of what happened to me was he justified his attacks on me because of my feminine side. He made me so afraid of my desire to be female that i buried it until I was approaching puberty. Then the sense of wrongness, the horrible feeling that somehow, I was going in the wrong direction became overwhelming. But I kept it hidden as best as I could.

Then I became a Christian. This made my conflict even stronger, as I was inducted into a conservative branch of the faith, and felt sure that my need for the feminine was a sin. This lead to a cycle of “binging” - getting girl clothes and trying to be as female as I could, followed by guilt and “purging” where I would get rid of everything, only to start up again a week later, or even sooner.Not only that, I suffered several breakdowns, and seriously considered suicide several times.

Finally, I realized I was hurting those who loved me by not taking care of myself. I got counselling for the abuse, and have finally began the process of being my true self. Almost immediately upon making that decision, I started reaping positive results. My blood pressure, which was dangerously high, dropped back into normal range. I have been able to breathe for what seems like the first time, and it feels even better than I hoped it would.

Not that the road ahead is easy. I need to find a job that will accept me as I transition. I have to deal with my ex’s rejection of this. I have to navigate the impact on my daughter. And I don’t even know at this point if my body can withstand the hormones and the surgery I seek, nor if I can afford them if I do get the green light to go ahead.

But I believe that it has been worth it, no matter what the final result will be. And I believe that God is blessing me taking this journey. I believe He sees me as His daughter, and that makes any tough times ahead worthwhile.

My name is Dorothy Colleen, and finally, that’s something I’m okay with.