Today, I saw a tiny toddler decide to "help" clean up the store. She took a training potty that had fallen on the floor (the thing was almost as big as she was) and put it back on the others of the same color.

I so wanted to give her a gold star and make her an honorary cleaner ...

One of the worst things about mental illness is the stigma attached.

I mean, most people would probably rather say they needed to miss work due to explosive diarrhea than admit they're struggling with say depression.

Well, I am going to fight against that right now.

Today was not a good day. I got triple-teamed by depression, PTSD, and gender dysphoria. (Not to mention physical pain).

I pretty much felt like I was getting my butt kicked the whole shift, so I am really glad to put the day to bed ...

I'm just sitting here, having realized that if I hadn't sabotaged myself, I might have had totally transitioned by now.

By delaying my name change, I cost myself more than $ 4,000 which would have come in handy for paying off my car and putting myself in a position where even if i wasn't able to work for months after surgery I'd still be above water.

Ever manage to have a really good moment and a really bad one at the same time?

I managed that today.

I was doing my rounds, when I suddenly realized I couldnt see the keys I use on the job.

I panicked, and left my cart and ran to the men's bathroom, which was the last place I remembered using the keys.

I went inside, and a guy standing at the sink said, "Ma'am, I think you're in the wrong bathroom."

I turned interesting shades of red, retreated, and checked my cart again while waiting for the bathroom to be clear.

Okay, I need help remembering the name of a story.

It was a Whately story, about a girl with gadget powers, who was forced to make weapons for this guy, and when rescued, went to Whately with a lot of trauma and even wanted a UV armband.

Anybody know what I'm looking for?

Well, I am breathing a sigh of relief. I got my physical done, and it did NOT have to include any invasive tests.

My doctor says considering my overall health, assuming my bloodwork comes back okay, I can skip getting stuff shoved up places I'd rather not be touched.

Whew ...

There is a great picture I've seen on the net, of a dog sitting in front of a computer with the caption "I have no idea what I'm doing."

Why mention this?

Because that's kinda where I am with my stories at the moment.

I have no idea where the stories are going. I have no idea what's gonna happen next. I'm just hoping at the end they're halfway decent and readable ...

My muse has gone all roller coaster, and all i can do is hang on for dear life ...

I have an idea what to do next for Mercy, but for it to work, I need a villain. I need someone to take offence at Faith for some reason, and do stuff (indirectly) to make her life more difficult.

Suggestions?

Well, I sent off my letter to the benefits company, so all I can do is wait and hope its enough to get them to reissue the check in my male name.

Meanwhile, I have a few other things I need to take care of - I have to book a physical with my doctor, and I need to get an appointment to see the PTSD therapist ASAP.

See, between pain and stress, I could really use some one to talk to about what happened to me so I can maybe slow down the number of flashbacks I'm having ...

You know how you can tell you have a long way to go in your healing journey?

When it's 2 AM, and you're holding on to a teddy bear and crying.

That was me last night.

I was triggered by a story that featured an idea I call "the magician's force". Basically, it's where you give someone the illusion of choice, but you've rigged the outcome beforehand.

I believe my abuser used something like that with me.

And so I cried for the seven year old child who fell into the hands of such a creature ...

Ah, well. Must carry on, regardless.

I have a bit a problem.

I am kinda blocked on Mercy, to the point I'm willing to ask for suggestions if anybody has one.

But that doesn't mean I'm blocked for story ideas.

I have started what I hope will be a funny take on Alice in Wonderland.

I am noodling an idea called "Help! My girlfriend is a unicorn!"

I even have a Jaci and Dottie story peculating,

So its a strange problem, that I'm blocked on the one story I really want to get back to writing ...

Ah, well.

One of the parts of adulting I'm trying to learn is how to make mistakes.

Now that probably sounds confusing, so let me explain.

For most of my life, any mistake I made became huge, an example of my general unworthiness. I would beat myself up, add the mistake to a list of mistakes that I kept reminding myself of, and generally act like I was in a really bad tragedy.

But adults dont act like that.

As I kinda fell into the "poor me" trap, let's rectify that by me posting my gratitude list.

My job - it isn't glamorous, but it gives me enough to keep a roof over my head and food in the fridge.

My family - they all may not agree with my transition, but they all love me.

my church - it means so much to have them in my corner.

My friends, both off line and online. You guys are awesome.

Well, thanks to my own bad choices and laziness there is a good possibility that I will cheat myself out of four thousand dollars.

See, way back when I started with Walmart, I got a little bit of Walmart stock given to me by the company. When I stopped working for them I was supposed to get a payout - about 4 thousand dollars.

But due to a mix-up, they sent me a check - in the name of Dorothy.

Which isn't my legal name yet.

Which meant I couldn't cash the check

When I was a kid, I noticed that the insults directed at me, and any other male who wasn't popular tended to involve how feminine we were - "fag", "sissy" or even being called a girl.

I didn't understand it then, but I see it now. To those boys, being a girl was to be a lower form of life, and therefore the worst insult you could give a boy was to compare him to a girl.

I wonder how many of those boys ever stopped feeling like that, how many girlfriends and wives suffered because of that attitude, and how many taught that same feeling to their sons.

Remember how I said yesterday that something felt "off"

Well, what was off was me.

I had several panic/ptsd attacks in a row, and by my first break I was very close to calling it a day and going home.

But, I fought through it, kept using my grounding lessons, and got through the day.

I just wanted to say, to anyone who is struggling today because of it being the 15th anniversary of 9/11, please accept a huggle from me.

And take care of yourself today.

Well, I spent a good part of today in a spiritual struggle.

Hugs and prayers appreciated

Kinda an interesting moment yesterday.

I had been struggling all day, so I finally decided I needed to go out, and put on a pretty skirt and went to the new Star Trek film.

The film was great, the best since the reboot, but that wasn't the interesting moment.