I wept for my father today.

See, I've been reading C.S. Lewis' autobiography, and he talks about his father a lot, so maybe that's why my dad came to mind today.

But regardless of the trigger, I wept for him.

I actually think this might be a good thing. I never really grieved properly for my dad, so getting this out of my system is a step in the right direction.

Or at least I'm hoping so ...

I am due for my annual physical, and if the last couple of years is any indication, I will end up being seriously triggered during the exam.

hugs, prayers, and good thoughts appreciated.

"Watch out for the Lady, Mommy"

That's what a tiny tot said, and in case you couldn't guess, I was the "lady" in question.

It may not seem like much, but every "lady", every "she", "her", or "Ma'am" give me a little boost that helps me a great deal.

I've not been talking about it here, but I've been very sick the last couple of days, and ended up taking today off work to try and recover.

Hopefully, this is just a tummy bug, and I'll be right as rain in no time ..

As I watched all the little tykes who came into my store today, I found myself thinking about a story my grandmother told me. She told me that when I was a baby, I was a very happy baby, giggling, cooing, and smiling at everybody - until someone tried to pick me up, and then I would do my best to claw their face off.

I couldn't figure out why I would act like that, but now realizing I was perhaps borderline autistic, that behavior would make sense - Autistic people often cant handle being touched.

Just published my entry in the Christmas contest!

I hope people like it!

I am totally staggered by the response to my last story.

130 kudos!

That's amazing!

Well, I got some provisional good news.

I was able to get a hold of the company that handles Walmart's benefits, and I was told that if I send the check back with a letter saying why I couldn't cash it, I should be able to get one issued in my male name.

I'm calling this "provisional" because honestly, at this point, I'm not going to count this particular chicken until it hatches, as it were, and I have the money in my bank account ...

As you may have noticed, I've posted a couple of small stories the last couple of days.

That might make you wonder when more Mercy is coming, and I am afraid the answer is ... not for a bit.

See, I'm kinda blocked on Mercy at the moment, which is why I've turned to trying to clear off the table some other ideas, in the hopes that keeping my muse active will eventually help me with Mercy.

Huggles to all!

I think I managed to find a place beyond pain today.

My knee was really hurting, then suddenly, it stopped, and instead felt numb, like it had fallen asleep.

Then the muscles around my knee started sending out this message of pain, exhaustion, and finally, they went numb too.

Like I had so much pain, my nerves just ... shut down.

I am gonna assume that's probably not good ...

Got triggered at work again today, but at least I think I know what set me off this time.

I was kinda fragile anyway, but I think the trigger was the flash from the camera in the photo studio. Right after it happened, I honestly felt like throwing up, and it took me a while to get myself centered again.

I'm trying my best, but I hate being so fragile all the time ...

Saw an interesting article in the latest issue of "McCleans" about OCD and grief. Seems this mother noticed that her son's OCD started soon after the kid's grandfather died, and eventually got a lot better once he processed his grief.]

What do you guys think? Is there a link between OCD and grief?

You ever get the feeling something is wrong, but you can't quite pin down what it is?

That's how I feel today.

If you have read any TG fiction at all, there's a good chance you read something like this: a new girl discovers that girls can be very ... earthy and share intimate details with other girls
.
Well, I don't know how common that is in real life, but I had something like that happen to me yesterday. I had a conversation with a co-worker, in which she ... overshared details about her period.

I hope I didn't come across as clueless in my response ...

Remember how yesterday I got called a "gentlemen"?

Well, as if to make up for it, a I overheard a mother tell her little kid "watch out for the lady" - referring to me.

Gender stuff is weird, isnt it?

Okay I have a bit of a weird one for you, so forgive me if this makes no sense.

A while back I made a little poem called "I hate my toes", which was mostly just a little bit of nonsense about how having someone who loves you turns even your least favorite parts of yourself into something special.

And while my toes arent my least favorite body part (that is and always will be my male bits), I havent exactly ever been particularly fond of them either - they always looked too ... masculine to me.

I had a visit from someone from my cleaning company today, and a couple of good things are hopefully gonna come from it.

One is he promised me that he will see about getting my coverage for my meds going, and he's also promised me that they will get me an actual uniform.

So I am going to give this news a tentative yay ...

I have been trying my best to make this blog super positive lately, and it helps that some good stuff is going on, but as the point of this little exercise is to be honest, I do have to share some not-so-positive stuff.

Right now, my biggest worry is my health. Now my pain levels have been slowly increasing again after a period of leveling off, but that's not really what's new.

During a conversation I had with my mom this weekend, it occurred to me that she has her own kind of PTSD.

She was talking about some stuff that happened before she married my dad, and it was like she wasn't just remembering, but reliving the painful stuff.

I could suggest counseling, but she can be stupidly stubborn sometimes, and seeing someone is one of those areas.

Ah, well. I can give her lots of love, that will help a little, I'm sure.

Somehow, over the last couple of days, I've missed talking about the fact that I had a little accident with my car, ending with me losing one of my tires.

Fortunately, I'm okay, and although I have had to pay about $ 900 for the repairs, I am back up and running again.

So all's well that end's well, I guess.